Thittato

Coming back home to myself 30 min meditation again today. Very good meditation. Feels like there is peace in my heart again. Something happened yesterday as I was going to bed. I think maybe because I was boiling the ayahuasca the vapours from it gave me a similar effect as if I was microdosing on it. Anyways, it triggered a feeling of coming back home into my life as it is again. I've been all over the place lately. So much process again. But right now there is a feeling of being landed again. Might last long, might last short, but good to feel that things can be ok just as they are.

Pretty awesome day today. I also did weight-lifting and 25 min of yin-yoga now at the end of the day. Before that I was playing Chess at the local Chess-club and it was really awesome and cozy again with this nice feeling of autumn settling in. When I came home I had a nice ritual where I boiled the Ayahuasca for 10 min while listening to Ayahuasca songs. It is a common custom to do when it has been standing in the fridge for a while in order to make it ready for use. Partly to disinfect it I think in case it has been getting bacterias or something. When I was done boiling it I took out my guitar and sang a few mantras to this brew. The conclusion I'm going to bed with tonight is that meditating for 30 min per day is really perfect for me. Just absolutely right.

30 min meditation today as well. I'm very enthusiastic about my upcomming solo ayahuasca ceremony. I'm making the program right now, and I'm preparing my home. My plan is to do 3 cups. Each cup lasts for approximately 2 to 2,5 hours. First cup is usually tuning in. Second cup is usually the most challenging one where one goes deepest. 3rd cup is the victorious one - usually one only dips a little bit down into the trauma, just to round off the exposure sort of, and then one goes into celebration and ecstacy. I'm going to make a program which fits well with these different phases. And then the program will also allow for some spontanitety and adjustments according to what my needs turns out to be. I have already experimentet quite a bit with having solo cacao ceremonies, so this will be a little bit of the same, just with a much more potent psychedelic. It feels like this is exactly what I need to do in order to move ahead with my life.

Preparing for a solo ayahuasca-ceremony. Finally I’ve gotten hold of some ayahuasca and I’m going to do a ceremony by myself in a few days and I’m starting to mentally prepare for it. I’ve done probably around 20 ceremonies within the Santo Daime tradition, and now I feel ready for doing it on my own. I will set a good intention for the journey. So far I think my intention will be to just go really deep. To just surrender into it as much as I can. Last time I did a ceremony two years ago I came into contact with some entities that seemed to do some astral work on my energy. I hope I can get into contact with them again. There is some extremly strong juiciness with ayahuasca. The fractals and geometric patterns behind closed eyelids can be pretty wild, and those patterns can feel so healing. When one is just allowing them to touch and ventilate all the little nooks and crannies of ones being. Maybe that will be my intention - to see how far into the fractals I can go. I will also work on letting go of fear. To just really allow the experience as totally as I can. And to open my heart. All these themes are connected I think. How deep can I allow the healing to touch me this time? It is the same thing I’m working with in meditation. This allowance. And to let my experience vibrate and flow. So this will be just like my meditation - just with an extra push from the medicine. I think my ability to just go into whatever hurts has really increased lately, so this I will bring with me into the journey. I will also explore this whole theme of purpose and calling in life. One of the reasons I’m returning to this plant is because I think it might have something to do with my purpose.

Also I'm very happy that I'm continuing with my daily practice. 45 min per day for 3 months was a bit rough, but now that I'm concentrating on doing 30 min per day that feels more manageble, and also I'm continuing to build on what I achieved during these 3 months. It didn't feel like much when I was getting into this "my life totally sucks" state, but now that I'm starting to burn through these layers of mind it feels like I have achieved a lot.

30 min meditation today as well. I've been feeling a lot lately that my life just totally sucks. I'm just totally at the wrong place in life and there is no clear path towards getting to the right place. This is a theme that comes back again and again. Directionlessness. Purposelessness. I'm just living a very random life. Born in a troubled and chaotic household, and my life just perpetuates this chaos even though I've been seeking healing for 20 years. But then the transformation occurs when I just go totally into these feelings and totally own them. Instead of feeling like a victim to this situation the suffering I experience related to these stories turn into thrill and pleasure. The resistance towards the sensations disappear and I go into and merge with the sensations, "becomes one with them." Pretty interesting. So for now, maybe I am exactly where I need to be, and my purpose is this transformation. Isn't this the whole human conditition of always thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side that we are trying to overcome through meditation?

30 min meditation today. This new routine feels good. Sort of like microdosing meditation hehe.

Ok. New goal is to meditate 30 min every day for the rest of this month. A bit of decompression going on now after that 3 month project of meditating for 45 min per day was over at the end of last month, but now is the right time to test out if 30 min is the right amount for this period.

45 min meditation today, and then weight-lifting.

Yesterday I did weight-lifting and later I went for a 3 hour long walk in the forest. Today I’ve only been home indulging in Chess all day. There was an energy running through me that needed some creative outlet somewhere, and I was just pouring it all into Chess. 61 games in total today. I don’t think I’ve ever played as many games as this in one day. At first I felt really bad about it, but then at some point I surrendered into it and decided that this day was just going to be all about Chess. This whole process today sort of gained an esoteric conclusion when I won the last game with this symbolic Check-Mate:

Thank you! That is inspiring for me to hear as well. Positive feedback-loop ❤️?

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. Getting back into the groove with yoga.

Weight-lifting this morning, and then after that 30 min of meditation. Sitting with some grief and sadness today.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. Feels really good. I'm so looking forward to see what this combination of yoga and weight-lifting will do for me. Perhaps one of the things I love the most about yoga is the increased sense of mobility. The body doesn't stiffen up and become stuck in a limited pattern. One is really exploring the full range of movement that the body has capacity for. Together with weight-lifting it is near perfect.

45 min meditation yesterday, and today, first my weight-lifting routine, and then 45 min of meditation. So nice to do weight-lifting after I did a session of vinyasa flow yoga on monday again. Feels like yoga is increasing the stability and mobility I bring into weight-lifting. Meditation was very centered and nice both yesterday and today.

3 month project of 45 minutes of meditation per day completed. So in order to finish off my 3 month project today, I did my routine, as usual, of 45 min meditation. After that I did my weight-lifting routine, and then I did a 20 min vinyasa flow yoga program. The yoga was sort of to celebrate the completion of the whole thing, and it felt so good to do some yoga again - it just open up the whole body in a way that only yoga can do. As for what my next project will be I will just let that be open for some time to see what I naturally feel inclined towards. I do think I will need to move my body around some more for some days at least. There has been so much process going on lately, and when it is like that I usually get very much help from moving my body around more in some kind of movement practice then I get from sitting still in meditation, although I have to say the meditative approach I've been following for these last 3 months has been successful - now is just time to fill in with something more that I didn't get from sitting still. Sometimes, when I experience very strong process, the most powerful thing that I can absolutely do is to meet it directly through sitting still in meditation. It can be very transformative. But yeah, there is a yearning towards more movement again now.

45 min meditation today as well. Woke up in a lot of grief and sorrow that I had to sit with in my meditation. Feels more clear now. I was inspired by this poem: Absolutely Clear by Shams al-din Hafiz Don't surrender your loneliness So quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment and season you As few human Or even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight Has made my eyes so soft, My voice So tender, My need of God Absolutely Clear. There is obviously going to be some more waves of this. As soon as I experience some level of romantic bonding with a woman I open up some wounds that I normally don’t experience when I’m shieled off from that experience. It triggers a lot of other things - probably a lot of the loneliness I have grown up with that comes from the lack of being seen and understood by my parents. I thought I was more done with this than I was, but I will use my therapist to work through the remaining layers of what has been triggered. There is also still some self-love that is lacking that I need to work on.

Also 3rd session of weight-lifting now as I came home from night-shift. And then warm shower ended with a cold shower. Pretty awesome. I think 3 sessions of weight-lifting per week is just right for me.

45 min meditation today as well. Really awesome sit. Soft, gentle, still, fresh and focused presence. Really soothing to my whole being ❤️?

45 min today as well. I guess this still counts as saturday since I haven't gone to bed yet because I've been working night-shift. Slept the whole day - I was pretty exhausted - before I went to work, so I didn't sit, but I managed to sit now after night-shift. This huuuuuge wave of emotional turmoil I had going last time I wrote here got released at some point during the night-shift and now things feels really nice again. I might have to surf a few more waves of this, but it is really good to see that it gets released as quickly as it actually does. I think my gestalttherapist was putting a strong process into motion, so maybe I had some deep rooted karma released.

Gosh. I'm so much in process again. I've actually been working a bit with my gestalttherapist again. I've figured that when I'm hanging out with someone I really like my whole body goes into lockdown sort of, because of the trauma I experienced as a teenager when I experienced a very bad romantic situation for 4 years. Like both the romantic situation was really bad, but also the very insecure family situation I was in at this time which created a really bad platform for me to deal with these strong feelings I had for this girl. I guess it will take some work to untie this knot, but seems like we are facing it head on now.

Hmmmmm. Back into wallowing in my family-background. I thought I was over this stuff. I wonder what I can do to get over it. Obviously this failed romance I just had triggered up a lot of this stuff again. It felt like for a long while I was done with all this stuff, but as soon as I develop feelings for someone a lot of it is triggered again. Even though we only met twice, we had 40 days of intense communication over chat, phone and videochat. It almost felt like I had a girlfriend again. It feels almost as if it was a short relationship, and as if now I’m single again and I have to re-orient again and get back in touch with old friends to fill up the empty whole this person left in my life. A bit over-dramatic perhaps, but I remember these cycles from actually being in relationships - it is like you zoom in on one person, and when that relationship is over you have to zoom out again, but you sort of only zoom out to get a good overview over the social landscape (and have some fun) so that you can find a new person to zoom in on again. I guess it will take a while to accept this loss and move on. So far what has been the most meaningful after this has been: - playing guitar - weight-lifting - my job - re-connecting with female friends - connecting deeper with my co-workers - cooking - nature - reading, listening to podcasts, and watching documentaries. Maybe I need to just establish some kind of plan. Like how to get my life back on track by filling it up with as many positive activities as possible and try to reduce the time I spend wallowing in this stuff. Like I should use some discipline. Like I’ve felt a new sense of mastery in my guitar-playing lately, for instance, and when that feeling is there I get filled with hope and joy, so I need to discipline myself into situations which gives me this sense of mastery and takes me away from wallowing in hopelessness and sadness.

45 min meditation today. Feels like I'm generally much more in process again. Todays session begins with pretty heavy emotional turmoil, but then I manage to "burn through" it, and feels empowered at the end of the sit.

45 min meditation today as well. Very good sit. Then weight-lifting after the sit. 2nd weight-lifting session of the week. I have a very good routine going now with that weight-lifting that I will keep up for a while before I start adding more repetitions - got to adjust to this program first.

45 min meditation today as well. Very good and powerful sit. Only 6 days left of this 3 month project.