Thittato

30 min meditation. Good flow.

20 min yoga nidra relaxation today, weightlifting, jogging 4 km, and then going to the bathhouse to do sauna. Also a nice walk in nature for one hour. Pretty relaxing day.

45 min meditation today. Much more centered meditation today. Feeling like I'm starting to land a little bit more. Holy schmokes how heavy my process has been lately, hahha.... The first ayahuasca ceremony was very smooth and nice, but this second one, that one certainly gave me some more heavy challenges. I think the first one just opened me up a little to become able to acknowledge and experience the deep and intense pain that I had to experience in the second one and in the processing after the second one. But now it seems like a huge chunk of this pain has been released. Maybe I can feel more at home in myself and in my own life now.

A breakthrough of some sort Finally some release regarding this woman. Holy schmokes. I figured out which trauma has been triggered tonight as I was working night-shift and there was little to do and I could spend most of the night in introspection. So we spent a weekend together at her place in the beginning of August. We met on our first date in the beginning of July as we matched on Tinder, and then we had a huge amount of communication after this meeting on phone, chat and videochat, building up to our second date which was going to be a whole weekend together at her place, 6 hours driving from where I live, in beautiful mountain surroundings. It didn't go so well. But my mind has lived inside of these surroundings ever since. In her house, in the nature she lives in, and in the interactions between us. When I move my fingers around on my guitar I'm reminded of a guitar situation between us, when I go out in nature and see a little creek I'm reminded of the little creek we walked by together, when I play Chess I see the Chess-board she has lying around in her house. Basically EVERYTHING I do is related to the impressions I got from this weekend. And I resist it so badly, at the same time as I'm trying to accept it, but I'm only accepting it in fragmented pieces here and there. But tonight I tried another strategy. I told myself: "Ok, I'm just going to fucking move into these mental scenarios and settle down there and make it into my mental home." And it worked! And then it dawned on me from where this trauma comes! It is related to when I was 12 years old and I was falling out with my mom and had to move to my dad. And my dad kept manipulating me to continue to live with him even though I didn't really want to live with him but I was too proud to go back to my mom, and she was also not very skilled at conflict-resolution, so I lost my sense of a safe and good home in that conflict, and I have never had it since. I've been just moving around a lot, going from one place to the other, and probably this sense of not feeling at home has become chronic - hence why I am so restless always, always searching for my place to belong. So with this woman I was dating. A lot of it felt so right. In our communication before I came to her place it felt like she was the woman in my life, and that I could have easily moved to live with her, and it felt like we were already close to becoming a couple. But she was unstable, and I'm unstable, and she was projecting a lot of her father onto me, and I was projecting a lot of my mother onto her. So basically I was rejected by my mom once again and I was being thrown out from a projected version of my childhood paradise. That is why I'm stuck in these mental scenarios of this beautiful place that she was living in. A beautiful but fragile person living in a beautiful place, and I crave her love, which I only get in small portions here and there, the same way it was with my mom, and I try to fix her, the same way I did with my mom, in order to try to help her into a better condition, which I imagine that if I could get her to that better condition, then love would open up between us. It all makes so much more sense now. I think this realization will totally help me a lot in learning to own this experience. It took like fucking two insane solo-ceremonies of Ayahuasca during a pandemic, plus a lot of other types of work, to even get to a place where this is just slightly starting to make sense. Maybe this second solo ceremony wasn't so bad after all. The first one was just dipping my toes in it. And then with the second I was really going heavily into trauma and suffering and terror and shit, and it will probably take a lot of processing to work through this. I might be through the worst, though. It all feels much clearer now. Time will show.

Silent retreat for a day 1 hour yin yoga yesterday, and today I did a day-retreat a friend of mine was hosting. We were 10 people spending 8 hours together in silence. I was mostly obsessing about this woman. This has been a long week of obsessing over this woman. First heavily on the solo ayahuasca journey I did on tuesday, and then it has lingered on ever since, and reached a new climax on this silent day-retreat. The ayahuasca journey I did on tuesday hasn’t felt as successfull as the first solo ayahuasca journey I did two weeks prior to this one. After the first ayahuasca journey my heart felt really open and I had so much self-love going that it wasn’t possible to lose myself in an obsession like the one I have been in this week. But anyways I tried my best to relate to this obsession in a meditative way during this day-retreat, going into and feeling it fully in my body all the various sensations that this stirs up. I guess that is just what I need to continue to do - let it burn out that way. But I’m seriously starting to wonder if I have to get back in touch with her and figure out if it was wrong of us to break contact. Until I figure out whether I’ll have to do something about this, that is also just something I will have to continue to feel in my body - all the doubt, indecision, trying to move on, getting sucked back in again, fear of getting rejected even once more, fear of only ending up giving her one more ego-boost to no good, fear of getting further sucked into an unhealthy process by re-establishing contact instead of just letting it burn out..... Maybe I should make a list of all these various forces operating in my mind to get a better overview so that I can get some support in bringing it down into how it feels in my body again and again. Getting hooked in this way is so tricky. The mind always finds a way to pull me back into the obsession. Always a new twist to the story in my mind that pulls me back in again.

30 min meditation today. I've been missing out on my practice for 3 days now.

Second solo Ayahuasca journey. So it was a pretty demanding weekend of working night-shift, and when I woke up this morning with my sleep all messed up as usual I was feeling pretty obsessed again by this woman I was on some dates with this summer that it didn't work out with. We broke all contact 2 months ago, but it still lingers on. All my friends are saying she is too unstable and not ready for a relationship in the state she is in these days, she will probably need a lot of work on herself before she ever gets ready for that. So I was a bit desperate and thought I'll just do the rest of the Ayahuasca I have left searching for some emotional catharsis, so I diveded it into 3 full cups, and took one and went for a short walk with a friend, then I went home and took the second cup and went for 3 hour long forest walk which was pretty wild, and then I returned home and took the third cup and it became even wilder - like full ceremony style. I was almost paralyzed and couldn't decide what to do, so I for the most part I just ended up lying in my bed listening to ayahuasca music being consumed by fractals and geometric patterns - both beautiful and quite a lot of them quite horrifying. It is a little bit irresponsible to do this alone, but somehow I have so much trust in the psychedelic process that I know I'll always be able to land on my two feet again. But it was nice when it wore off, and I'm uncertain if I get so much out of these journeys. The first solo-ceremony I did two weeks ago was really good, but it feels like I always return back to my core issues - which is lack of direction and purpose in life. It was a wild and heavy trip, but here I am again, back to normal. Somehow it feels like I have gotten so old now (I'm 36, soon to be 37) that these psychedelics doesn't really bite on me the same way they used to do when I was younger. It is just like whatever. Desperately trying to squeeze some meaning out of life through some wild chemical induced state. Seems like I have gotten habituated to how wild psychedelics are. Maybe much the same way I have gotten habituated to how wild my job is at a psychiatric emergency hospital. Maybe it is possible to grow out of psychedelics. Like they are just an experience. In Zen they talk about growing out of ones attachment to deep samadhi states. Why go into them when they are just an experience? One of my teachers used to say that he no longer had any interest whatsoever in manipulating his state. He just wanted to let his state be whatever it was. Simply to just let go and be at peace with whatever is happening at any given moment. I feel my life seriously sucks right now, but somehow there is also a sense of peace with that. To just let it suck. I know there is something practically I will have to figure out regarding purpose and direction in life at some point, but right now, as a meditative practice, it is nice to just surrender into suckness. My choices of today it seems like has been: 1) Try to beg this woman to give me a new chance and try to convince her that it is us that are meant to be, and that the previous failure we had together was just because we were both stressed and insecure and we just need more time and then things will naturally open up between us. Sounds totally lame and totally like loosing oneself in someone else, and sounds totally against everything I've ever read about attraction, and it has never worked before, but I'm hooked. Maybe at least I could need to get her to slam the door in my face one final time for me to realize there is totally nothing to pursue there. 2) Go back to this gestalt-therapist education that I have finished two years of and have two years more to do. Maybe this is my purpose? Seems like I need some serious purpose-shit to jerk me out of this obsession with this woman. Unfortunately they have already started up, and it was too late to join for this years 3rd class, but I could call again and ask if there is one way or another and that I'm desperate to get this done. Or I could wait a year. Or I could pursue this woman instead. 3) Dive even more into my guitar. I just played a little bit as I had a pause in this writing, and it is still one of those things that makes me really happy. Maybe the most interesting thing that happened during the Ayahuasca was that I met a tree that felt like it had a spirit in it. I'm adding a photo of it. I was really feeling deeply that this was an old soul that was standing there in the middle of the forest. And that he cared for me. But also that he was vulnerable and afraid like all beings are, even though he was also really composed and wise and knew the ways of this world. So he also appreciated me supporting him. There was mutual giving and respect between us. He was kind of like a guardian in the forest. I had to bow to him several times. It just felt like I had a lot of respect for him. I was going for a long walk around a lake, and he was sort of a gate-keeper to this journey around this like I was going around. When I returned the same way I entered I saw him again, and the connection still felt as strong. Before I left him the second time I had to give him a good and long hug. It felt so good hugging him. He was really a good and supportive friend. Ok, maybe I was getting something out of this journey after all. I just needed to process it a bit, and I will probably still have to process it quite some more. The whole thing was much more bitter and cynical and worn by life and pounded down by suffering than the first solo-trip I did two weeks ago which had much more a sense of innocence and becoming "born-again Ayahuasca enthuasist." Anyways, I'm glad I don't have any more Ayahuasca left now, so that I won't have to be in a constant process of evaluating when I want to do the next session. Now I'm finished with these two solo-sessions for now. It is a new milestone somehow. By the way, I had to leave out the picture of my tree friend in the forest, because when I included it it felt like I was exposing him too much and that that was not the right way to show my respect and care for him.

30 min today as well. Very glad I settled into a daily practice again. 45 min per day for 3 months was a little too much in the long term, but 30 min as a daily practice seems perfect as for now. 30 min still makes me feel that I'm working seriously on my meditation technique, and it is easier to integrate into a busy life.

30 min today as well. Really back into the sense that these 30 minutes are the most important activity that I do during the day.

25 min yin yoga yoday as well as I came home from working night-shift. Feeling very inspired lately. One of the best things that has happened after the Ayahuasca session i did 12 days ago is that my home has been constantly clean and tidy since this. I don't allow it to get messy anymore. Things are immediately put back into where they belong when I'm finished using them. The whole ayahuasca ceremony I did was woven into my housecleaning. I did a total cleaning of my home after the first cup in order to prepare my home to be a ceremonial space when I was going to take the second cup which usually goes way deeper, and at the end of the ceremony I was hanging up my clothes fresh from the washing machine as I was listening to some nice ayahuasca hymns. I remember I felt so successful about the whole thing as I was hanging up my clothes. I have enough Ayahuasca for one more ceremony, and I almost did this ceremony 1 week ago, but I'm very glad I didn't because I have enough fuel from the one I already did to live on and to integrate and work with for quite a while. It is also really good to get back into my daily life fully again, and not be all Ayahuasca about everything for too long. And it is also really nice to land in the daily habit of guitar-playing which is totally something I got from the ceremony, but to also be more realistic about my guitar-playing, and not be so megalomanic about it as I usually am right after a ceremony.

30 min meditation today as well. Very good flow. Fully engaged in the process. It is interesting that difference between being fully engaged in meditation versus only going through the motions because it is a routine one just has to get through.

And then weight-lifting and 25 min yin yoga as I just came home from working night-shift. Such a nice way to unwind before I go to bed. I'm starting to find a really nice and natural flow between weight-lifting, yoga and meditation.

30 min meditation today. First time in a long time I’ve been feeling a good sense of traction in my meditation again.

One really good thing though is that I have been very inspired in my guitar-playing ever since the Ayahuasca session on tuesday September the 15th. Even though I was depressed today, when I picked up the guitar I felt really happy. I've been drilling on 3 simple classical solos, and it is so fun to see how much improvement there is every day. Soon I've nailed them totally. And they are also such great exercise for my fingers - making my fingers way more adjusted to the playing. Those classical pieces are steroids for guitar-playing fingers.

30 min meditation today as well. Been depressed today. But I've been in bed all day because of a cold. It was probably right with some downtime now after how high I've been flying lately.

30 min meditation today as well. Feeling so inspired by the Ayahuasca experience still. Must have been one of the best sessions I have ever had. It is more than a week ago and I'm still in the afterglow.

30 min meditation today as well. There is a new brightness behind my closed eyelids that has been activated after the ayahuasca ceremony. I think it comes because I feel more spacious, open and loving. Like there is more inner brightness.

Weight-lifting, 25 min yin yoga and 30 min meditation.

30 min meditation today as well. I've felt a lot of vibrations in my heart-chakra today. Feels like my heart is open again and that I have a lot of self-love. My heart is varm. I think the Ayahuasca prepared for this, and then the cacao gave the last mild push. Pretty nice. Maybe it can stay this way for some time.

30 min meditation today, weight-lifting and 2 sessions of 25 min of yin yoga. Pretty nice.

30 min meditation today, and then later in the day I went to a cacao and yoga ceremony where we drank ceremonial cacao, did meditation, yin yoga and yoga nidra. It was a beautiful experience. My intention was to use this much milder ceremony as a way to round off my own Ayahuasca ceremony. My other intention with this ceremony was to set the intention to deepen my relationship with my guitar this autumn.

Buddhist Vipassana meditation. The noting technique that they practice in the Mahasi Sayadaw tradition. I'm inspired by how modern teachers like Daniel Ingram, Kenneth Folk and Shinzen Young is teaching this noting technique.

Had to go to bed very early tonight because I was so exhausted, and now I woke up in the middle of the night and have been playing guitar for 1 hour and I feel very inspired again and very happy about this ayahuasca session. The first after-wave of therapeutic material has been cleared out. There are probably more to come. It takes a while to stabilize again after something like that. I particularly got a lot of inspiration on music this time. I need to do more work on my guitar. Ayahuasca was the primary catalyst as to why I started to play guitar many years ago, but I still got much more work to do in order to get my guitar-playing to a decent level, so that is something that I'm going to prioritize this autumn.

30 min meditation today as well. Today I've been torn up and wallowing in the therapeutic issues that I worked on on the ayahuasca trip. I guess these cycles are how things are for me no matter what kind of therapeutic process I go through. There is an immediate relief for some time after the session is over, and then another wave with the same material hits pretty hard again. Could also just be life, but I'm pretty sure this state I'm in now is a direct consequence of the ceremony I did 2 days ago.

Ayahuasca solo-ceremony yesterday (with some very fortunate support at the climax from an unexpected and spontanous trip-sitter). So I woke up a little bit late in the day yesterday, because my sleep is all messed up because of working night-shifts, but that is ok. I started the day with 30 min of meditation, and I planned on cleaning my whole place and start to prepare for the ceremony if the vibe was getting right, but since I woke up so late I wasn't sure, but I decided to start cleaning at least and maybe do it later if the vibe got right. However just to get in tune with the medicine I started with a light dose as I was cleaning and that brought me in touch with a lot of vulnerability, and when I was finished cleaning, the atmosphere in my home was really nice and conducive for a ceremony, so I decided to do the second cup, which was a strong dose. The light dose was at 15.00, and the strong dose was at 18.30. I have to admit that as it was starting to kick in around half an hour later I was starting to get a little afraid, but I was lying in my bed and listening to Ayahuasca-music and it was sort of manageble, but still it wasn't quite what I was looking for. I mean I was totally blasted and fragmented and everything, but I couldn't just lie there anymore and just experience it. At first I was afraid that I was abandoning my mission of letting the medicine work on me and just lying there and breathing in it, but then it was sort of when I'm at a ceremony we do ceremonial work and the tools I had for working with this state I was in - it just wasn't enough to just lie there alone and listening to music. So I decided to go for a walk instead, and fortunately at that point my friend who gave me the Ayahuasca called and we decided to go for a walk in nature together, so he became my spontanous and unplanned babysitter. It was much nicer to have someone to go for a walk with and talk about all the various processes that was happening to me. At 19.15 we smoked a pipe of cannabis together. This is something they do in some branches of the Santo Daime church when they've reached the top of the second cup. I have never done it myself, but it was interesting to try. The horror from the ayahuasca intensified, but I was also getting some cannabis highness mixed into the horror which gave it a paradoxical mix of horror and feelings of being in a celestial realm at the same time. It was all strongly represented by the forrest we were in. The depth and the darkness and thickness of the forest represented some kind of primal archetypical fear in us - while at the same time the top of the trees was sort of the crown jewels of heaven. It was pretty wild and pretty much at the top of how much intensity I could handle. I kept saying to my friend in a fun way "This is really the top limit!" to which he laughed. It was sort of nice to walk around in that state and to talk a lot with him about various themes I have going in my life right now - both psychological and spiritual. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to have anything more, neither ayahuasca nor weed, but when I came home, I had finally reached a state of surrender, and I decided to have a third medium cup because I figured that would be the fruits of all the hard work I had done. Since I was in a state of deep surrender I was pretty sure the horror wouldn't return and now I was victorious and really ready to just really bake the medicine in even deeper. First I meditated for 1 hour after I drank the 3rd cup at 23.50, and then I was lying in my bed for one hour in immersion just surrendering very deeply into all the various fractals and geometric patterns that was interacting with the ayahuasca music I was listening to. It was a much more successful immersion than the one I had attemped to do after the 2nd cup, and it felt like the medicine was just working really deeply on me. All the themes that had been going on and that I was in conflict about - like how lonely I felt without the support of my ayahuasca group - they were all just gone and it was just really nice to be in my own company and to really just bake myself in the spiritual light of this medicine. After lying in the bed for an hour I figured I was at the tail of the 3rd cup because it was starting to get less intense, so I decided to ride out the tail while doing a 25 min program of guided yin yoga from youtube, and that program was just really really perfect for the state I was in. I don't think I've ever felt that I have worked that deeply in yin yoga before, and it was just the perfect way to round it off. Around 03.00 at night after the yin yoga I was started to feel that I was going in for landing. I was still in a strong afterglow, and I knew it would be hard to fall asleep, but the feeling of being on a trip was fading. I decided to go down into the basement and get my clothes which I had been putting in the washing machine on the first cup, and it was so nice to hang my newly washed clothes up for drying in my appartment in the afterglow while listening to beautiful mantra music. It felt like a very symbolic act of closing the ceremony and returning to my daily life. I was falling asleep at around 08.00 in the morning, and then I woke up at 12.00 again, and today has just been really amazing and I have felt so released from a lot of the heavy processes that has been working in me lately. I felt like I really did a full and complete round of psychological and spiritual cleansing. Maybe there are more rounds to be done, but this cycle was really full and deep. It seems with my experiences with Ayahuasca from before, and with this experience yesterday, it seem like the first cup is usually tuning in and getting into contact with whatever psychological and spiritual work that one needs to get in touch with, and the 2nd cup is really forcing a very strong psychological and spiritual struggle which is really intensified at its climax and then when one can no longer bear this struggle and resistance anymore and one has marinated long enough in this conflict then eventually one lets go and surrenders and gives up and one is no longer willing to hold on to this tension, and when it is time for the 3rd cup one can get ready for a new and intense wave but this wave has usually a much stronger flavour of surrender and reaping the fruits of all the hard work one did on the second cup.