Thittato

And then I went climbing again this evening. So awesome. This is a really social sport, with a good representation of both genders, and it is easy to get into conversations with new people. The climbing gym feels like a very attractive place to be. Not somewhere hidden away from people, but a place where "it happens." I love the energy of places like that. And especially when I start to get into a flow state regarding my own climbing it feels especially nice to be in the midst of such a nice crowd of people. The flow-state feels amplified by the energy of the crowd. And when I came home I did a good and long cold shower. Been doing cold exposure consistently for almost a year now. I feel very grateful about this. Actually on days where the only practice I get to do is my cold shower - I think that is good enough. Those cold showers are really powerful.

40 min meditation today. It was really nice. Feels like I have much more space around my suffering because of the yoga I have been doing lately. Before I used the vipassana to go directly into wherever the stuffering manifested and made it dissolve into vibrations, but it feels like my embodiment is growing and that now I also use my body - like breathing deeply down into my abdomen and relaxing my shoulders and jaw, for instance - in order to create more space and a much more pleasant "climate" in my being so that the meditation technique is executed on a much friendlier and more relaxed climate. I've always been aware of these things, but lately it is as if they have been coming more alive. Even when lying in my bed before going to sleep I use the breath much better. One of my favorite spots to breathe into is my lower back. Amazing to feel when the lower back expands because of the breath.

Cold showers on saturday and sunday as well, but no other practice. Today I did ganja yoga with a friend (but without the cannabis). First a 30 min program, and then we chatted for a bit, and then we did a 25 min program. She and her boyfriend are going to join me next time and then we are going to do it together with cannabis. She really liked it, and it was really nice to do yoga together with someone again. Maybe we can create a little group of ganja yogis together.

A good and long cold shower today as well.

Good and long cold shower today. Pretty nice.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga this morning, and then a good and long cold shower. Super-nice

And then 25 min yin yoga now in the evening as I came home from a climbing-session with two friends. Holy smokes. This day has been amazing. I totally outcompeted my two friends in climbing today, even though they have been doing it for over a year and I only started this summer. It just demonstrates that because I have a regular yoga-practice my athletic abilities are surpassing theirs - because they don't have a regular physical practice, even though they are very active people. Anyways. I must have been in a very strong flow-state as well. I was just totally celebrating that this whole cannabis and ganja yoga thing went well. And I'm sort of very relieved that I'm out of cannabis now and I'm getting a break from it. Even though my experience this time was very positive I feel like I should also very much respect that people easily get addicted by this thing, and/or have some difficult experience with it because of the paranoia it tends to bring up. I usually only smoked cannabis for much shorter periods before, and I would always leave it feeling burned and angry at it for once again bringing me into paranoia and negative shit. For some strange reason I didn't approach it as I would approach a difficult psychedelic trip - as a therapeutic experience - which is kind of strange. But I guess the negative stigma I had against cannabis made me just judge it as some toxic shit or something like that. So anyways, being happy and at the same time relieved that I'm returning back to my sober self really brought me into a very good flow-state today. Not exactly what you would suspect after smoking for two weeks. But this ganja yoga has been really amazing. I don't feel foggy at all anymore, and probably I'm not going to feel like that tomorrow either. It probably has a lot to do with perspective. I'm pretty sure there is a strong collective trauma around cannabis that has been shaping the way most of us view it (and perhaps also use it). We all know a lot of people who misuse it and are stuck in their lives. And it has some very sneaky qualities which easily makes you infatuated by it. And most people think it is the devil himself. At least here where I live. So all that has been very much amplifying my own shame, and made it into something I have to distance myself from in order to get away from this shameful version of myself. Anyways, I'm going to have a long break from cannabis - at least two weeks - just so that I can take this integration period really seriously. If this is something I eventually end up using more frequently it will have to make its way into my life very gradually. Let me just celebrate for now that this went really well, and then I can continue to associate this with something very positive before I embark on more experiments with it. Yoga is awesome!

20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, a cold shower, and then 45 min of meditation, this morning. I thought I had to kick-start this pause that I'm now taking from cannabis with some solid practice, and that felt really good. I'm a bit foggy from all the cannabis, but I feel lighter because of my practice, especially the meditation today was really good. Looking forward to continue to "clear up" and reflect back on everything I've learned during this immersion in ganja yoga. My primary intention has been to use it to go deeper in my yoga, so it will be interesting to see how my yoga feels in the coming days. Anyways, it already feels like a success because my relationship with cannabis has been improved tremendously, and I feel very satisfied with my explorations. I do think there are some disadvantages with cannabis as well. Especially the sense that everything else than being stoned sucks. I experienced a mild version of this this time. It is like cannabis takes the juice of life and multiply it while high, but then there is less of that juice the next day so your appreciation of daily life gets dialed down a few notches, and then you feel you need cannabis to get the juice back again in the evening after having "survived" a day which was less juicy than usual. But this might also be something psychological going on because now I feel very enthusiastic about spending some longer time without smoking again. I'm also a bit of a high-strung person, so maybe I can learn more about just relaxing into the after-effects of having smoked cannabis the day before. But in general I was just much more relaxed around the whole thing than I've ever been before. Ganja yoga has really made cannabis into something medicinal for me. So this has been 15 days of applying medicine. It will be interesting to see if I'm more relaxed now without the medicine than I was before I started this period. At the very least, I have prolonged my yoga-period with 2 more weeks of lots of inspiration, and now I'm currious and enthusiastic about seeing how my yoga-practice will be sober again, so that in itself is already a lot.

And then a little bit after that I did a cold shower as well, which was also really nice. And some time after that I smoked cannabis and did 30 min of ganja yoga and after that 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga. This is my 15th day in a row smoking cannabis. And now I only have enough cannabis for one more joint, which I will smoke later this evening, and then I will take a long pause from this. So tonight is a closing-ceremony for me. I'm listening to a lot of beautiful mantra-music, and I'm laying in my bed just letting the music guide me wherever it wants to guide me. Its been really really nice and soothing. My intention for these 15 days of exploring cannabis has been to use it to deepen my yoga-practice, but also in a much broader sense to just learn to relax more in all situations in life. And also to find spiritual and creative inspiration. I have also specifically used it to work on my "cannabis activated" anxiety. I didn't have a good relationship with cannabis before because it always seemed to trigger so much anxiety and shame. Now I've been using this new situation with ganja yoga to really embrace and open up to these feelings and really working on allowing them to just be there in full acceptance. It seems like my capacity for equanimity and peace with life is growing. All in all this had been a really fantastic period. I've learned so much, and I'm so much looking forward to integrate it all. It will also be really nice to get a break from cannabis and "clear up" again and go back to my normal habitual way of being. This has been like a deep study to really immerse myself in ganja yoga for these 15 days, but I probably don't need to do stretches like these every time. I can probably just do an evening of it when I want to make my yoga practice extra ceremonial and deep once in a while. I also think I don't have much need for smoking with others in order to socialize. I've done that a lot this time, and it has been nice catching up with some old friends now that society is opening up again, but I think I will just use cannabis for ceremonial use. I don't have the capacity for letting it take up too much space in my life. It has never been a big part of my life before, so I think just using it for extra special occasions where I really want to spice up my yoga-practice is perfect for me. In daily life "sober yoga" is more than good enough.

45 min meditation this morning. A good sense of equanimity in this sit. Seems like I’m much more aware of how my breathing feels in the body.

1 hour kettlebell training, then 30 min ganja yoga, then 3 rounds of Wim Hoff breathing, and then a good and long cold shower after a warm shower. Been practicing these others days as well, but I haven't journaled about it. This is my 13th day in a row smoking cannabis by the way. New record. Don't think I have ever done a full week before. Maybe once. Felt like time to really immerse myself in it since I've been so interested in ganja yoga lately. I also did my 17th session of kayaking on tuesday, since I've been keeping count on them. It has been pretty amazing this whole experiment I've been having lately. But now I'm just sitting here waiting for the cannabis to wear off since I'm going out to be social this evening. Like I'm really saturated by the whole thing for today. But holy smokes how many thoughts and feelings my being has been journeying through, especially this morning. It feels like I've been working through a very therapeutic experience this morning. Grieving through a lot of stuff, and at the same time finding power and purpose in these physical practices that I'm doing.

And in the evening: 10 sun salutations, 15 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg bell, and a cold shower. The snatch technique was much better today. Totally love that exercise. Feels like my arms sits much better in its sockets because of it.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. It feels so good doing lots of yoga. I'm feeling deeply relaxed these days. Lowering my center of gravity.

30 min ganja yoga, 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg bell, and a cold shower, today. Wow. Such a nice and awesome programme. It was like the kettlebell snatches were the peak poses of a long program, and the good and long warm shower which changed into a good and long cold shower was the cooling down / savasana part of the program. Gosh how much I love those kettlebell snatches. They were much better today. Since I only do 10 on each hand maybe I can continue to do them every day for a while. It felt like my body had fully restitued over the night, and now it went even smoother to do them so even less tear than yesterday. It feels like they really open up my shoulders and my back in a very powerful way. Also my chest. It is like getting warm and open from the yoga, and then I use those snatches to open up even further. Like really rip my whole body open in a very gentle, healthy and powerful way. Making room for my chest to expand and my shoulders to lower. And for my breath to go even deeper down into my abdomen.

10 sun salutations, 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a cold shower. A sweet little program. I'm trying to not get side-tracked into too much weight-lifting again, because I have said that I will continue to keep my main-focus on yoga for some more time, but I would love to really get those kettlebell snatches down, because they are such a powerful exercise. Seems like a good thing to do them after the yoga. They are very technical and demanding, so I'm starting out carefully. What is fun about them is that I see improvement everytime I do them. Skin in my hand is getting thicker so it hurts less swinging them around. There is more stability in both my arms as I hold the bell above me with a straight arm. There is more stability both when I swing them up and down. But the total experience still feels a bit fragile and weak, so I'm looking forward to the day when it feels completely natural. Anyways, it feels really good after I do them. It is like the perfect explosive punch to round off my yoga-practice with and make me fired up for everything else. I just have to make sure that I do them really mindfully so that I bring the yogic quality of mind with me into them.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. This is 3rd day in a row. So nice and relaxing <3

I could now feel into that there is a big learning experience here about learning to lean into "pure beingness" and being willing to let go of all these identities that I'm filling the present moment up with. Letting go of clinging. Accepting my faith in life. Surrendering into my natural potential. Feeling into the fear that this brings up. Trying to let go of all the escape scenarios. And just being with the present moment as it is. Not trying to figure it out all the time. That constant buzz in my head - that thing also needs some rest sometimes. So I feel I've been taken into some deep rest.

16th session of kayaking Pretty awesome. We were 13 people paddling together today in a bit of wind and waves. Pretty interesting navigating through conditions like that together with such a big group. Men and women of all ages. I felt very lucky. Then I went skating after that, and that was not so fun today. I think I'm not so fascinated with skating as my focus in sports right now have shifted much more over to kayaking and mountain climbing. The kayaking and climbing community also seems much more interesting to me as well. So that is a bit sad - but maybe skating has already served its purpose - which was to build momentum towards these other sports? Too early to conclude, but I was surprised by how little focus and flow I felt today. So I came home feeling a bit heavy and depressed. And I was longing for the cannabis to lift me out of this, because I was kind of heavy this whole day, except for that 1,5 hour of kayaking where I felt totally alive. But then I started smoking the cannabis, and it just amplified this heaviness, so I had to just surrender into heaviness. So probably I meditated for 1 hour on this, and then I did 30 min of ganja yoga. The ganja yoga was awesome, but I still feel a little bit depressed. So I think because I had such a big opening yesterday, then that is why I'm feeling a bit closed today. I was blaming the cannabis today, thinking I was feeling heavy after an evening of smoking. But I think it was the spiritual energetic opening that I had which when it closed again made me feel a bit constricted today. A very strong opening always seems to be followed by its polar opposite when it is closing again. Like breathing. So today I just have to surrender into the opposite of what I had yesterday, but I feel a lot of peace and acceptence in just not being so high today, but more stoned and heavy. So surrendering into stoned and heaviness, and trying to just allow myself to sink into the deep nourishing rest which is found there. So this was a very interesting side of ganja yoga to experience as well. All in all today, I'm more impressed by the yoga in itself today, than by the added effects of the cannabis. So to sum it up - I'm really glad I did yoga today.

A good and long cold-shower this morning. I slept extra long today. So nice to just enjoy the deep relaxation yesterdays ganja yoga gave me. Oh my gosh, that was profound. Yesterdays session was better than anything I've been close to before in ganja yoga. First of all I was doing 30 min of meditation after I had smoked cannabis before I started the yoga, so I was processing the initial hit of the high while sitting still. To me the initial hit usually brings with it a therapeutic effects so that I have to go through some difficult feelings first that has to be expressed before I'm reaching the peace on the other side of working through difficult feelings. It was easier for me to do this in meditation than while my body was moving in yoga, so that when I moved over to the yoga, I was super into it, and not distracted by having to work through difficult feelings. I'm also getting more used to smoking cannabis again, so that I know what I'm going to, and I'm getting more used to the ganja yoga program I'm doing since I have been doing it 5 or 6 times now. I also have very much faith and enthusiasm in this method, so that also adds to the total experience. I also feel that smoking cannabis outside of the context of ganja yoga (or ritualized spiritual use) is very uninteresting, because that is using something that has a very high potential for something that is maybe just 5% of the potential it can reach. Maybe I'm very biased because I was never comfortable using cannabis myself as a recreational user, and maybe these people are getting much more out of it than I used to do, but I suspect most of them use it more as an entertaining distraction rather than as its full potential as a healing medicine. I mean, the initial buzz that getting high on cannabis brings. For me it is always tempting to bypass the difficults feelings that the high initially brings up and rather go into entertainment and stimulation. But then the high will continue to be subconsciusly flavored by this anxiety I tried to escape - and I can continue to stimulate myself above it - which seems to work to some extent - but then I will never know the much deeper peace that this substance can bring. I suspect all these good effects will just continue to increase as I get more familiar with this method. There is always that initial clumsiness when you start out doing something new, but as the habit starts to form one can use ones energy and focus much more efficiently.

15th session of kayaking Yesterday: 30 min of meditation and then lots of experimentation with kettlebells throughout the day. Today: 30 min meditation 2,5 hours kayaking and in the evening 30 min meditation after I smoked cannabis where is was sitting and just breathing deeply into the effects of cannabis in silence and stillness. This was my preparation for doing 30 min of ganja yoga. Wow. The relaxation effect that I'm sitting in now is so deep and friendly and safe. This is a really profound way of using cannabis. Holy smokes how fascinating doing yoga while high is. Yoga and cannabis is the perfect match. The medicinal qualities of cannabis comes really into the foreground while amplified by the effects of yoga. This makes me even more in love with yoga. Maybe this is what I need to get my ADHD-focus fully into yoga for once. I sometimes thinks that being a yoga-instructor might perhaps be my purpose. I already have a yoga teacher education. And sometimes I teach one-on-one in my job when I'm taking care of a psychiatric patient who likes yoga. That is one the most meaningful things I can possibly do - help psychiatric patients calm down through yoga. Certainly there is a goldmine here. The kayaking today was also fantastic. I'm merging the sensation of flow I'm sitting in right now with all my memories about how it feels to sit in a kayak, and I try to let the flow go into all those memories and melt them into flowing memories where my body is the perfect transition-point between the flow of the universe getting into the kayak through myself as a channel. Some force just wants to get expressed through the use of a kayak. And it is about just relaxing into that impulse letting it do its thing. There is something so intensely Zen about the whole art of kayaking. So I feel very grateful that I can experience it in the context of being a yoga-practitioner.

30 min meditation this morning. Very good sit. Did a little bit of kettlebell exercises after that. Then I went to work. Gosh. I was so fed up today. I've been working with such a difficult patient lately. I'm very exhausted. Fucking psychopath. But now I'll have 5 full days off. Been working too much over-time these last weeks. I'm totally not going to say yes to more over-time in a long time. On monday I worked a day-shift, went home and rested, and then I went back to work night-shift - on top of all the other over-time shifts I've been doing lately. It is way too much doing stuff like that. It is squeezing all the juice out of me - which I would love to spend on other things than crazy violent psychotic psychopaths. We get some patients with some really strong anti-social behavior. But it seems like I can maintain my stability even with such a heavy work-load, so that is very good. These extremly demanding patients - it is always fun to look back at when it is been processed well - and my self-esteem as a social worker is increasing a lot by being challenged this way. It also inspires me to exercise much more, because these people always project a power-struggle on to you based on whether they percieve you as someone they can beat up or not.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell. Super-nice.

14th session of kayaking Started the day with 30 min of meditation, then I went to work, and after work me and a buddy paddled a river that took us 3 hours to complete. It was super-ultra-awesome. This is my first time paddling a river. I loved the feeling of being carried downstream by the current.

10 sun salutations today, and then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a cold shower. Pretty sweet and intense little program.

A cold shower, and 30 min ganja yoga, without the cannabis, today. It was interesting to try out the ganja yoga while being sober for once. I have probably done that program 4-5 times now while being high, and everytime I get more and more used to it. Cannabis used to trigger a lot of anxiety for me, so I never really felt comfortable with it, but now, through ganja yoga, I have found the perfect way to breathe and relax into this anxiety, and it seems like a lot of it is already gone. So now I have decided to really come to terms with this anxiety, and going through this program several times seems to be a good way to do it, because that gives me a handle on the whole thing. It seems like the problem is almost gone, but I'd like to really grind it out. It seems like the type of anxiety that cannabis has been triggering for me is some generalized anxiety that I'm carrying around all the time, and cannabis is just intensifying it. Already it seems like I'm even less anxious because of this, so I'm really excited to see that cannabis is turning into a medicine for me, instead of an enemy as I used to think about it. Probably smoking weed in my teens and early twenties and experiencing this anxiety without having the tools for dealing with it was probably not good. I'm sure it amplified the problem. So now I can go back and fix a troublesome relationship with a plant medicine that has had a huge influence on my life in terms of the culture and spirituality around it. And now all the positive things it brought into my life I can appriciate even more without that strong ambivalence I used to have about it. Looking forward to my next ganja yoga session with cannabis. Maybe next week.