Thittato

20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, a cold shower, and then 45 min of meditation, this morning. I thought I had to kick-start this pause that I'm now taking from cannabis with some solid practice, and that felt really good. I'm a bit foggy from all the cannabis, but I feel lighter because of my practice, especially the meditation today was really good. Looking forward to continue to "clear up" and reflect back on everything I've learned during this immersion in ganja yoga. My primary intention has been to use it to go deeper in my yoga, so it will be interesting to see how my yoga feels in the coming days. Anyways, it already feels like a success because my relationship with cannabis has been improved tremendously, and I feel very satisfied with my explorations. I do think there are some disadvantages with cannabis as well. Especially the sense that everything else than being stoned sucks. I experienced a mild version of this this time. It is like cannabis takes the juice of life and multiply it while high, but then there is less of that juice the next day so your appreciation of daily life gets dialed down a few notches, and then you feel you need cannabis to get the juice back again in the evening after having "survived" a day which was less juicy than usual. But this might also be something psychological going on because now I feel very enthusiastic about spending some longer time without smoking again. I'm also a bit of a high-strung person, so maybe I can learn more about just relaxing into the after-effects of having smoked cannabis the day before. But in general I was just much more relaxed around the whole thing than I've ever been before. Ganja yoga has really made cannabis into something medicinal for me. So this has been 15 days of applying medicine. It will be interesting to see if I'm more relaxed now without the medicine than I was before I started this period. At the very least, I have prolonged my yoga-period with 2 more weeks of lots of inspiration, and now I'm currious and enthusiastic about seeing how my yoga-practice will be sober again, so that in itself is already a lot.

And then a little bit after that I did a cold shower as well, which was also really nice. And some time after that I smoked cannabis and did 30 min of ganja yoga and after that 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga. This is my 15th day in a row smoking cannabis. And now I only have enough cannabis for one more joint, which I will smoke later this evening, and then I will take a long pause from this. So tonight is a closing-ceremony for me. I'm listening to a lot of beautiful mantra-music, and I'm laying in my bed just letting the music guide me wherever it wants to guide me. Its been really really nice and soothing. My intention for these 15 days of exploring cannabis has been to use it to deepen my yoga-practice, but also in a much broader sense to just learn to relax more in all situations in life. And also to find spiritual and creative inspiration. I have also specifically used it to work on my "cannabis activated" anxiety. I didn't have a good relationship with cannabis before because it always seemed to trigger so much anxiety and shame. Now I've been using this new situation with ganja yoga to really embrace and open up to these feelings and really working on allowing them to just be there in full acceptance. It seems like my capacity for equanimity and peace with life is growing. All in all this had been a really fantastic period. I've learned so much, and I'm so much looking forward to integrate it all. It will also be really nice to get a break from cannabis and "clear up" again and go back to my normal habitual way of being. This has been like a deep study to really immerse myself in ganja yoga for these 15 days, but I probably don't need to do stretches like these every time. I can probably just do an evening of it when I want to make my yoga practice extra ceremonial and deep once in a while. I also think I don't have much need for smoking with others in order to socialize. I've done that a lot this time, and it has been nice catching up with some old friends now that society is opening up again, but I think I will just use cannabis for ceremonial use. I don't have the capacity for letting it take up too much space in my life. It has never been a big part of my life before, so I think just using it for extra special occasions where I really want to spice up my yoga-practice is perfect for me. In daily life "sober yoga" is more than good enough.

45 min meditation this morning. A good sense of equanimity in this sit. Seems like I’m much more aware of how my breathing feels in the body.

1 hour kettlebell training, then 30 min ganja yoga, then 3 rounds of Wim Hoff breathing, and then a good and long cold shower after a warm shower. Been practicing these others days as well, but I haven't journaled about it. This is my 13th day in a row smoking cannabis by the way. New record. Don't think I have ever done a full week before. Maybe once. Felt like time to really immerse myself in it since I've been so interested in ganja yoga lately. I also did my 17th session of kayaking on tuesday, since I've been keeping count on them. It has been pretty amazing this whole experiment I've been having lately. But now I'm just sitting here waiting for the cannabis to wear off since I'm going out to be social this evening. Like I'm really saturated by the whole thing for today. But holy smokes how many thoughts and feelings my being has been journeying through, especially this morning. It feels like I've been working through a very therapeutic experience this morning. Grieving through a lot of stuff, and at the same time finding power and purpose in these physical practices that I'm doing.

And in the evening: 10 sun salutations, 15 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg bell, and a cold shower. The snatch technique was much better today. Totally love that exercise. Feels like my arms sits much better in its sockets because of it.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. It feels so good doing lots of yoga. I'm feeling deeply relaxed these days. Lowering my center of gravity.

30 min ganja yoga, 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg bell, and a cold shower, today. Wow. Such a nice and awesome programme. It was like the kettlebell snatches were the peak poses of a long program, and the good and long warm shower which changed into a good and long cold shower was the cooling down / savasana part of the program. Gosh how much I love those kettlebell snatches. They were much better today. Since I only do 10 on each hand maybe I can continue to do them every day for a while. It felt like my body had fully restitued over the night, and now it went even smoother to do them so even less tear than yesterday. It feels like they really open up my shoulders and my back in a very powerful way. Also my chest. It is like getting warm and open from the yoga, and then I use those snatches to open up even further. Like really rip my whole body open in a very gentle, healthy and powerful way. Making room for my chest to expand and my shoulders to lower. And for my breath to go even deeper down into my abdomen.

10 sun salutations, 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a cold shower. A sweet little program. I'm trying to not get side-tracked into too much weight-lifting again, because I have said that I will continue to keep my main-focus on yoga for some more time, but I would love to really get those kettlebell snatches down, because they are such a powerful exercise. Seems like a good thing to do them after the yoga. They are very technical and demanding, so I'm starting out carefully. What is fun about them is that I see improvement everytime I do them. Skin in my hand is getting thicker so it hurts less swinging them around. There is more stability in both my arms as I hold the bell above me with a straight arm. There is more stability both when I swing them up and down. But the total experience still feels a bit fragile and weak, so I'm looking forward to the day when it feels completely natural. Anyways, it feels really good after I do them. It is like the perfect explosive punch to round off my yoga-practice with and make me fired up for everything else. I just have to make sure that I do them really mindfully so that I bring the yogic quality of mind with me into them.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. This is 3rd day in a row. So nice and relaxing <3

I could now feel into that there is a big learning experience here about learning to lean into "pure beingness" and being willing to let go of all these identities that I'm filling the present moment up with. Letting go of clinging. Accepting my faith in life. Surrendering into my natural potential. Feeling into the fear that this brings up. Trying to let go of all the escape scenarios. And just being with the present moment as it is. Not trying to figure it out all the time. That constant buzz in my head - that thing also needs some rest sometimes. So I feel I've been taken into some deep rest.

16th session of kayaking Pretty awesome. We were 13 people paddling together today in a bit of wind and waves. Pretty interesting navigating through conditions like that together with such a big group. Men and women of all ages. I felt very lucky. Then I went skating after that, and that was not so fun today. I think I'm not so fascinated with skating as my focus in sports right now have shifted much more over to kayaking and mountain climbing. The kayaking and climbing community also seems much more interesting to me as well. So that is a bit sad - but maybe skating has already served its purpose - which was to build momentum towards these other sports? Too early to conclude, but I was surprised by how little focus and flow I felt today. So I came home feeling a bit heavy and depressed. And I was longing for the cannabis to lift me out of this, because I was kind of heavy this whole day, except for that 1,5 hour of kayaking where I felt totally alive. But then I started smoking the cannabis, and it just amplified this heaviness, so I had to just surrender into heaviness. So probably I meditated for 1 hour on this, and then I did 30 min of ganja yoga. The ganja yoga was awesome, but I still feel a little bit depressed. So I think because I had such a big opening yesterday, then that is why I'm feeling a bit closed today. I was blaming the cannabis today, thinking I was feeling heavy after an evening of smoking. But I think it was the spiritual energetic opening that I had which when it closed again made me feel a bit constricted today. A very strong opening always seems to be followed by its polar opposite when it is closing again. Like breathing. So today I just have to surrender into the opposite of what I had yesterday, but I feel a lot of peace and acceptence in just not being so high today, but more stoned and heavy. So surrendering into stoned and heaviness, and trying to just allow myself to sink into the deep nourishing rest which is found there. So this was a very interesting side of ganja yoga to experience as well. All in all today, I'm more impressed by the yoga in itself today, than by the added effects of the cannabis. So to sum it up - I'm really glad I did yoga today.

A good and long cold-shower this morning. I slept extra long today. So nice to just enjoy the deep relaxation yesterdays ganja yoga gave me. Oh my gosh, that was profound. Yesterdays session was better than anything I've been close to before in ganja yoga. First of all I was doing 30 min of meditation after I had smoked cannabis before I started the yoga, so I was processing the initial hit of the high while sitting still. To me the initial hit usually brings with it a therapeutic effects so that I have to go through some difficult feelings first that has to be expressed before I'm reaching the peace on the other side of working through difficult feelings. It was easier for me to do this in meditation than while my body was moving in yoga, so that when I moved over to the yoga, I was super into it, and not distracted by having to work through difficult feelings. I'm also getting more used to smoking cannabis again, so that I know what I'm going to, and I'm getting more used to the ganja yoga program I'm doing since I have been doing it 5 or 6 times now. I also have very much faith and enthusiasm in this method, so that also adds to the total experience. I also feel that smoking cannabis outside of the context of ganja yoga (or ritualized spiritual use) is very uninteresting, because that is using something that has a very high potential for something that is maybe just 5% of the potential it can reach. Maybe I'm very biased because I was never comfortable using cannabis myself as a recreational user, and maybe these people are getting much more out of it than I used to do, but I suspect most of them use it more as an entertaining distraction rather than as its full potential as a healing medicine. I mean, the initial buzz that getting high on cannabis brings. For me it is always tempting to bypass the difficults feelings that the high initially brings up and rather go into entertainment and stimulation. But then the high will continue to be subconsciusly flavored by this anxiety I tried to escape - and I can continue to stimulate myself above it - which seems to work to some extent - but then I will never know the much deeper peace that this substance can bring. I suspect all these good effects will just continue to increase as I get more familiar with this method. There is always that initial clumsiness when you start out doing something new, but as the habit starts to form one can use ones energy and focus much more efficiently.

15th session of kayaking Yesterday: 30 min of meditation and then lots of experimentation with kettlebells throughout the day. Today: 30 min meditation 2,5 hours kayaking and in the evening 30 min meditation after I smoked cannabis where is was sitting and just breathing deeply into the effects of cannabis in silence and stillness. This was my preparation for doing 30 min of ganja yoga. Wow. The relaxation effect that I'm sitting in now is so deep and friendly and safe. This is a really profound way of using cannabis. Holy smokes how fascinating doing yoga while high is. Yoga and cannabis is the perfect match. The medicinal qualities of cannabis comes really into the foreground while amplified by the effects of yoga. This makes me even more in love with yoga. Maybe this is what I need to get my ADHD-focus fully into yoga for once. I sometimes thinks that being a yoga-instructor might perhaps be my purpose. I already have a yoga teacher education. And sometimes I teach one-on-one in my job when I'm taking care of a psychiatric patient who likes yoga. That is one the most meaningful things I can possibly do - help psychiatric patients calm down through yoga. Certainly there is a goldmine here. The kayaking today was also fantastic. I'm merging the sensation of flow I'm sitting in right now with all my memories about how it feels to sit in a kayak, and I try to let the flow go into all those memories and melt them into flowing memories where my body is the perfect transition-point between the flow of the universe getting into the kayak through myself as a channel. Some force just wants to get expressed through the use of a kayak. And it is about just relaxing into that impulse letting it do its thing. There is something so intensely Zen about the whole art of kayaking. So I feel very grateful that I can experience it in the context of being a yoga-practitioner.

30 min meditation this morning. Very good sit. Did a little bit of kettlebell exercises after that. Then I went to work. Gosh. I was so fed up today. I've been working with such a difficult patient lately. I'm very exhausted. Fucking psychopath. But now I'll have 5 full days off. Been working too much over-time these last weeks. I'm totally not going to say yes to more over-time in a long time. On monday I worked a day-shift, went home and rested, and then I went back to work night-shift - on top of all the other over-time shifts I've been doing lately. It is way too much doing stuff like that. It is squeezing all the juice out of me - which I would love to spend on other things than crazy violent psychotic psychopaths. We get some patients with some really strong anti-social behavior. But it seems like I can maintain my stability even with such a heavy work-load, so that is very good. These extremly demanding patients - it is always fun to look back at when it is been processed well - and my self-esteem as a social worker is increasing a lot by being challenged this way. It also inspires me to exercise much more, because these people always project a power-struggle on to you based on whether they percieve you as someone they can beat up or not.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today, and then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell. Super-nice.

14th session of kayaking Started the day with 30 min of meditation, then I went to work, and after work me and a buddy paddled a river that took us 3 hours to complete. It was super-ultra-awesome. This is my first time paddling a river. I loved the feeling of being carried downstream by the current.

10 sun salutations today, and then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a cold shower. Pretty sweet and intense little program.

A cold shower, and 30 min ganja yoga, without the cannabis, today. It was interesting to try out the ganja yoga while being sober for once. I have probably done that program 4-5 times now while being high, and everytime I get more and more used to it. Cannabis used to trigger a lot of anxiety for me, so I never really felt comfortable with it, but now, through ganja yoga, I have found the perfect way to breathe and relax into this anxiety, and it seems like a lot of it is already gone. So now I have decided to really come to terms with this anxiety, and going through this program several times seems to be a good way to do it, because that gives me a handle on the whole thing. It seems like the problem is almost gone, but I'd like to really grind it out. It seems like the type of anxiety that cannabis has been triggering for me is some generalized anxiety that I'm carrying around all the time, and cannabis is just intensifying it. Already it seems like I'm even less anxious because of this, so I'm really excited to see that cannabis is turning into a medicine for me, instead of an enemy as I used to think about it. Probably smoking weed in my teens and early twenties and experiencing this anxiety without having the tools for dealing with it was probably not good. I'm sure it amplified the problem. So now I can go back and fix a troublesome relationship with a plant medicine that has had a huge influence on my life in terms of the culture and spirituality around it. And now all the positive things it brought into my life I can appriciate even more without that strong ambivalence I used to have about it. Looking forward to my next ganja yoga session with cannabis. Maybe next week.

So no practice yesterday. I was working a lot. First I did a 7,5 hour day-shift, went home and rested, and then went back and did a 10 hour night-shift. We have a very demanding patient these days, but I managed to handle him pretty well. Then I woke up today and felt pretty inspired, went climbing with some friends, and then we went out and had a beer, and now I'm home again and I just finished 20 min vinyasa flow yoga and a cold shower, and it doesn't feel like my sleep is going to get disrupted by the night-shift I did. The climbing today was really awesome. Well, actually everything about this day has been pretty awesome. I like the transition into fall. And it seems like society is opening up again and people are happy and social around here, so there is a nice and happy fall vibe in town. The 1 hour vinyasa flow yoga I did on sunday is the peak of what I have done so far in this yoga-period. It takes quite a lot to do 1 hour of such intense yoga on my own here at home. Much easier to do longer sessions of yoga when going to a class and getting group-support. So naturally my practice builds up to a peak, and then intensity will fade a little bit before another wave builds up again. The good thing about yoga is the more I do it the less I think about it and feel sort of free from it during the rest of my life. It is like a need that just has to get saturated as much as possible so that one can concentrate on the rest of ones life. Pretty awesome to have this practice going. I feel that this time I will take it really far.

1 hour vinyasa flow yoga today, and then a cold shower. So nice. It is good when my overactive mind has nothing else to say.

50 min classical yoga today, then a little bit of weight-lifting, and then a cold shower. Seems like doing weight-lifting immidiately after yoga works very well. Before I was afraid of loosing the yogic state I had worked so hard to achieve, but I can rather just bring it with me into the weight-lifting. So as I said, yoga is going to continue to be my main-focus so that I don't get side-tracked, but if I feel inspired after the yoga then I can add a little bit of weight-lifting.

And then I smoked some more cannabis, listened to a nice podcast about ganja yoga, chilled out with some really nice mantra-concerts on youtube, smoked some more, and then did 25 min of yin yoga. And that was absolutely amazing. Holy smokes. That went really really deep. Such an intense bodily flow in the yoga. Just deeply feeling into it in celebration and gratitude for life. Yoga is making me into an athlete. I mean if you do exercise every day then you are pretty much an athlete. Becoming an athlete is like a side-effect of going deeper into meditation through yoga for me. And that is pretty cool, because I totally need more embodiment. I had some deep openings in my meditation a few years ago, and to continue to support these openings, it seems like I just need to focus on embodiment a lot. Just really inhabiting this animal body that we have. This is the perfect next chapter in my life: going deeper with yoga. It will help integrate everything else.

30 min ganja yoga today. Wow. So good. I'm really amazed at the level of joy that yoga brings to my life these days.

1 hour weight-lifting this morning, then 20 min vinyasa flow yoga, and then a cold shower. It was pretty awesome to do some weight-lifting again. I've gotten remarkable stronger from kayaking, climbing and yoga. But I don't think my focus will go back to weight-lifting. I will continue to have my main-focus on yoga.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga, and a cold shower, this morning. So nice to get deeper into upward-facing dog. Feels like my back is really opening up when I go deep into it. I love backbends. Yoga and cold showers feels like a really good practice for now.