Thittato

One month pause from Cannabis. 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and a cold shower, today. So nice! So I ran out of cannabis yesterday. This time it lasted from monday to saturday. I had a really amazing session yesterday with both ganja yoga and music, but I was feeling that it is time to take a break from it and reflect on what it has given me without adding on new experiences with it for a while. So yesterday was the perfect session to round it off with for this time.

30 min of ganja yoga today with a really good friend. It was so cool to finally get to show him this form of yoga. He totally digged it. Then we had a super-awesome music-jam for many hours. Ganja yoga and playing music is a really awesome combination. It is like going really deep with yoga first, and then that goes deeper into a music-jam-meditation. I found it hard to go to sleep after all this fun, so I got back up from my bed and did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, and now I will try to sleep again. Feels like that breathing was the last thing I needed before my day is totally complete. So nice. Ok. Good night :-)

And then 30 min ganja yoga in the evening. So nice and powerful.

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, 20 min of vinyasa flow yoga, and a cold shower, this morning. So nice :-)

45 min yoga nidra in the morning and 30 min ganja yoga in the evening. Really chill day.

3 more rounds of Wim Hof breathing. I was feeling so great and clear in my mind from the first 3 rounds today so I had to do another set. So sweet :-)

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today, and then a cold shower. Seems like I'm getting back to a more focused Wim Hof approach again now for the winter. I've been doing cold showers for the whole year, but I stopped doing his breathing method at some point. Now that the winter is here again I actually think it sucks quite a lot, so I'm looking the get the most out of it by getting more dedicated with the Wim Hof method again. I haven't started ice-bathing again yet, even though I've been thinking a lot about it, but I think I'm in no rush about about it and I'll let it come naturally again at some point this winter when I need some variation to my cold showers.

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today, then 40 snatches on each hand with a 8 kg dumbbell as a warm-up for 20 (10 + 5 + 5) snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a good and long cold shower. Went out and had a glass of red wine with a good friend, and now that I came home I did 3 more rounds of Wim Hof breathing. My body is starting to adapt to these 20 kg kettlebell snatches now. The technique is getting better and better. I think I want to build my physical practice around the kettlebell snatch, with yoga (and other practices) as a support for improving the snatch. It is about time that I need to be doing something where progress is easy to measure, and this seems like the perfect exercise for me, and I think it will totally compliment my yoga-practice in a really good way.

Started this morning with doing 20 dumbbell snatches on each hand with a 8 kg dumbbell as a warm-up for kettlebell snatches. After this I did 10 snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell. It felt much better doing them when I had warmed up with a lighter weight first. I think maybe starting with a 20 kg kettlebell is too much, but I'm working my way around it by supporting my body with yoga and now also with warming up with a lighter weight first. After this I meditated for 30 min, and then I did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing. No cold shower lately because I've been having a cold, but I'll get back to those as soon as this cold is over.

No practice yesterday, but today I smoked cannabis again. I only had 4 puffs from a joint when I was visiting a friend, but they were pretty effectful. So when I came home I did a really nice and powerful session that started with 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then 30 min ganja yoga, then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a 20 min meditation.

45 min of meditation this morning, and then 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing. So sweet.

Yesterday: 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing Today: 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then some cleaning of my place, then 3 more rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then 30 min ganja yoga (without cannabis), then 10 kettlebell snatches on each hand with a 20 kg kettlebell, and then a good and long cold shower. Seems like all my practices are merging effortlessly into one thing.

30 min ganja yoga on friday, no practice yesterday, except for a cold shower, and then 30 min ganja yoga today. So nice. Today was just really relaxing and calm. Nothing dramatic going on in any way. Just a chill, inspired, and relaxed flow.

45 min meditation in the morning, and then a cold shower. And now in the evening I just did 30 min ganja yoga. Wow. That went really deep. I was processing a lot of stuff regarding what it means to become a man. A lot of vulnerability around that, but as the vulnerability was felt and expressed through my body I was also uncovering a lot of strength, peace, and love. I think all this exercise I'm doing will certainly support me a lot in growing into my full masculine potential. Someone who is wise and calm. And friendly. Yoga just totally rocks! I'm starting to feel what it means to be whole.

30 min ganja yoga today. So nice and nourishing. It makes me very relaxed and refreshed. Gosh. That stay in that hippie-community for 12 days was a bit over the top. I've felt very exhausted after this stay. I mean, it was fun and exciting and all that, but it certainly had its cost as well. And especially I think I'm going against my purpose by doing such a thing. We smoked waaaay too much cannabis. I was travelling together with a super-stoner, and I got sucked into his smoking patterns. We were going to do ganja yoga together this whole trip, and we did a few times, but at some point I realized that he isn't really all that into it. In fact I've been re-activating some old friendships with people who smokes now as I thought we were on the same page - but basically many of them are just pretty normal stoners who use smoking as an escape. So I've been sucked into stoner culture again even though all I really wanted to do was to do yoga. So I feel quite exhausted from this. But it was a nice reminder today that ganja yoga is very powerful, and I don't need to smoke together with friends just as a recreational thing. I mean, that is such a waste of the huge potenial cannabis has when used in a conscious way. The yoga is so fun and deep when done with cannabis. Much more fun than anything else I can imagine doing while high. So now I just want to settle down here back home again, and just surrender into cozy and meaningful hometown-life.

20th session of kayaking. So now my goal of doing 20 sessions of kayaking this year is done (I started late in the summer). I'm probably not going to buy a dry-suit so that I can paddle through the winter, so I think this season is done for me. But now I have a pretty awesome foundation for next season. It will probably be pretty awesome to pick it back up again in the spring when the sun comes back and things starts to bloom again. When I came home, after having rested for a bit, I did a 12 minute full body tabata workout, and then I did a cold shower. Yesterday I also tried a thing called "Rucking." Basically carrying weights in your backpack when walking. I carried 20 kg and walked for 40 min. The interesting thing about exercise is that it is really addictive. When the dose gets high enough you start to feel really terrible when you don't get your dose, so it becomes self-enforcing. The results also inspires, and the fresh and awesome feeling one gets.

Back home again (yesterday). 10 min High Intensity Interval Training with weights today, then a cold shower, and then 20 min vinyasa flow yoga later in the day. Such an inspiring stay in this community me and a friend visited for 12 days. It was pretty perfect, the whole thing. Now I'm just journaling a lot on my own (not here) in order to sort through all the impressions I've been getting. Especially I've been getting a lot of inspiration when it comes to music, fitness, and sociability.

1 hour meditation this morning. So nice ? Just focusing on surrendering into the breath and letting my belly be soft and relaxed.

30 min meditation today. Really sweet. So I haven’t been journaling much lately, but I’ve been keeping my practice up. It has been a mix of yoga, swimming, meditation, weight-lifting, etc. Me and a good friend travelled to a community where we have been living for 9 days. This is such a cool place. Lots of musicians, artists and spiritual seekers living together in a village. It is pretty awesome. We’ve even established/re-ignited an old meditation/yoga group that used to be active here. So far we’ve met two times to do ganja yoga and silent meditation together. Yesterday was really the peak. We were 5 people that did «Cannabis Fullmoon Meditation» together. Such an awesome and powerful meditation that was. That is why I started the day with meditation today - because I wanted to continue to explore the depth that yesterday opened up. It also just feels so good to be part of a community of like-minded people again. Just so much inspiration, love and joy. So much fun <3

Cannabis Fullmoon Meditation Wow. Just wow.

Steel Mace Vinyasa 30 min ganja yoga today as well. This time with a small dose of cannabis again. I think smaller doses are much better. Much like I came to conclude with psychedelics that I prefer microdosing compared to larger doses. It is way easier to stay grounded on smaller doses, and at the same time one gets the psychedelic/cannabis flavor but in a way that is easier to relate with ones daily mind-state. And it takes shorter time to recover. It is much less of an impact. Actually you could say you get all the positives without any of the negatives. Anyways, I discovered something totally awesome today. I've been longing to get back into kettlebells again, but I took a break from it because I was going about it with too heavy weights without knowing the technique well enough so I had some prolonged pain in my lower-back. It finally disappeared, but I had to focus exclusively on yoga in order to heal this as quickly as possible. So anyways, this morning I started investigating into something related to kettlebells which is the steel mace. It is like a smaller branch overlapping with the kettlebell community. I don't have a steel mace, but I have a big and long axe, so I tried some of the exercises with this axe, and I totally loved them, and one thing lead to another and before you knew it I had already discovered that someone had of course been combining yoga with this tool / ancient weapon. This is like an ancient weapon and power symbol from India that has been used to develop warriors. And it seems perfect to combine this tool with yoga. Here are some pictures of it. The last two are fram a yoga-studio called Flow Shala where they have these Steel Mace Vinyasa classes. Anyways, I'm totally going to explore this some more. Maybe my practice will go on to be a combination of ganja yoga and steel mace vinyasa, and then I can alternate back and forth between the two, and maybe sometimes combine them. So fun that there are so many interesting things going on in the yoga-world these days. Just more and more cool stuff.

It seems like, especially thanks to the ganja yoga lately, that even though I have some sort of ADHD-condition where I'm constanstly fascinated by new things and I can never seem to find my true path in life because something new and even more fascinating thing always pops up at the same time as I'm having a deep longing for finding something to go really deep with and I'm constantly frustrated by this paradox and tension in my life - it seems like I have much more space for how my mind operates. I don't beat my self up so much anymore because of this. But I'm still longing for finding my true purpose. But I think before that can happen I first have to fully accept the situation for what it is. I need to be at peace with what I am right now before my path can become more clear. The biggest pain in all of this has perhaps been those long and intense periods when I'm thinking that my purpose in life is to become a visual artist. Like that is something I can become seriously obsessed about. Recently I've opened up my creative process in this field as well. So now I'm working on several drawings again. I had to close it down for a long time after my last obsessive burst in this area. And now I find I can even work with my own drawings without becoming obsessed by them the same way I used to. It is like just opening up for the process and allowing it to be there without having to force it in any specific direction. My mind is in this chronic state of searching for my direction in life. Like trying to figure it out. Find the "recipe." And it is difficult to step out of that when it has been my chronic state for as long as I can remember. But more and more, when I catch myself in this tendency, I find that I can allow myself to just relax. Like give myself a break from constantly trying to figure it out. It quickly starts up again. But there is more space around just letting the mind do its thing. It is not so serious. I'm like a bee, flying around, smelling at all the various flowers that life has to offer. It is a dance. What is important, I think, is just to make to most out of each day. To bring myself out of negativity and frustrations and into fun and meaning. I still hope, and pray, that I really find my deeper purpose in life. But I think I'm still in the healing-process. And the healing-process for me these days is to bring myself back into fun, meaning, peace, empowerment, and joy, as much as I can - while at the same time just trying to accept life as it is right now and make the most out of it with what I have available, instead of longing for something completely different. Physical exercise seems extremly important regarding all of this. Especially regarding embodiment. I've been meditating and been on the spiritual search for 20 years now, and I've experienced all sorts of openings and altered states of consciousness, and I used to chase those things very hard, but now it just seems to boil down to: How well can I inhabit and enjoy being in this human form that I am in? Of course I've carried a lot of traumas that I needed deep psychotherapy to deal with. No doubt about it. But sometimes I wonder - when I was so frustrated and lonely and desperate before - if I had had a solid physical exercise routine with lots of opportunities for variation, could I for instance just went for a jog, or a session in my kayak, when I was feeling all those difficult emotions? And then just done that over and over again until I had programmed myself into a much more positive focus in life? There was so much frustrated energy that I couldn't find a way to channel into something positive, so instead I was just running around in desperation grasping at whatever I could find. Probably there was too little stability before. I was also bi-polar before, and those mood-swings were intense to deal with. Sitting up all night working with my art squeezing out all the energy feeling like I'm a god, and then waking up again the next day feeling really disgusted and ashamed of myself - and seeing this pattern repeat itself over and over in all areas of my life. It was very difficult to deal with. And the cycle was so addictive. Probably I needed therapy. And now I can finally enjoy having much more stability in my life and being able to explore life in all kinds of ways without becoming so carried away as I used to. Even though I switch around a lot I think there is still some stability and logic and a targeted development in all of it. It is a targeted creative development. And for now, until my purpose become more clear, I can use it to develop as a social worker. Being a social worker in a psychiatric emergency department is perfect for the sort of "ninja training" I'm creating for myself here. First of all I have to be a really compassionate and warm and accepting and forgiving human being who can hold space for people in a very difficult situation in life. And no doubt about it - those values are very dear to me. But they also don't carry much weight if I'm also not able to establish and protect all the boundaries that we are supposed to have in our institution. The love you feel from someone who you also have deep respect for carries much more weight. So my job is to constantly hone the balance between being a loving therapist while at the same time working as a security guard. This paradox was not easy to settle before as I was a slave to my own black and white / all or nothing kind of thinking - but now as things are continuing to become more integrated I find it easier and easier to access both these aspects of my role at the same time.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. This day without smoking, so "sober yoga" haha... So nice and soothing. Physical exercise is just amazing. It is so interesting to read about all kinds of exercise and all the different influencers who share their enthusiasm for various kinds. It is like I'm getting a new hero every week. Life is so great when one takes part in the inspiration that other people share. One can just soak it up from all kinds of directions. I had no idea this embodiment project would be so fun.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. So good. I only smoked a little this time, and that was so good. Yesterday I smoked a little bit too much so it was getting a bit too intense. It is important with this to not let my greed take over. Greed for getting higher than I need to be. It easily starts to take over and then it turns into chasing getting higher and higher - instead of just relaxing into the beautiful effect that even a small dose gives to this yoga-practice. If this practice sticks with me I will probably smoke less than what I have been doing now - and it will probably only be in order to get the yoga done and then to get on with my life, instead of whole evenings dedicated to cannabis. I guess it takes some time to figure out ones dose. Todays dose was really perfect. I don't feel intoxicated right now. I just feel mellow, grounded, soft and relaxed. If this was early in the day I could have easily continued with the rest of the day without being distracted with being high.

30 min ganja yoga today as well. I feel good enough again to do yoga, at least this soft and nourishing yoga that ganja yoga is. And wow. It is so relaxing for me. It is like magic. It is my tiny little superpower that I have access to this medicine. Especially nice to see how it takes care of me while I'm recovering from this cold. This cold is like a cleansing that I'm going through. I'm noticing there has been a lot of stress lately around the concept of "getting fit." Maybe I've pushed my body a little too far lately. I mean, you get high and motivated from it as well, but it can easily make you push yourself too much. Together with a high pressure at my job I think my body needed some down-time and a cleansing now. I'm thinking I'm going to become some super-athlete in all areas, but yoga in itself certainly takes you far. It is like bringing it back to the source. And learning to rest in the source. I'm always reborn after a session of yoga. Reborn as a fresh, optimistic, joyous, creative, more loving and understanding version of myself.