Thittato

30 min yoga yesterday, and a few really good cold showers these last days. Feels like I'm starting to get my appetite for practice back again. The 9 day ayahuasca retreat I did was very intense, and we also did a lot of yoga, dance, singing and meditation while I was there. It was like a combined ayahuasca and yoga festival. I also got into a lot of processes that took some time to land as I came home, so I've been pretty tired. But now it seems like my energy is back, and I experience really great flow at work. So much fun and creativity together with my co-workers. Seems like I've cleared out a lot of shit, which gives me increased capacity for presence and improvisation.

Wow, what a day. My step-brother, which I have known for 25-26 years, and that I grew up together with, passed away 1,5 week ago. Today was his funeral. I was there with my dad and my brother and my stepmom and my other 3 step-siblings. They were 4 siblings alltogether. He was the youngest of them. When I was 12 my father suddenly met my stepmother, and all of a sudden me and my brother had 4 more sibblings. It wasn’t unproblematic to suddenly become merged, or maybe more correctly - smashed together with another group of siblings, and actually all of us have struggled in life, but now most of us are starting to do well and settle down and land and find outselves etc. But not my youngest step-brother. He was a long-term drug-addict who suddenly and with no obvious explanation died in rehab without any fight while he was sleeping. The most likely explanation is that he had a relapse on some very strong painkillers because he had trouble sleeping, and he wanted some real solid rest, but because he had been clean for some months he miscalculated the dose and took way too much. Probably something he would have been used to before, but not anymore. Yeah, basically an unintentional overdose. It was so sad. He was such a likeable and charming guy. Strangely enough I mostly just feel that I really appreciated him, and at that same time that I’m willing to let him go and that he will stay in my heart as a good memory. I never saw him struggle. He was always in a good and uplifting mood. Always cracking a joke. But his life was a mess, and his life-strategy of surviving on his charm and his ability to talk himself out of situations couldn’t help him much these last years as he had been getting involved in a seriously destructive relationship. Crazy shit like episodes where her former ex would crash into him with a car so he had to go to the hospital. And it seems like the dynamic was that she was playing them both and putting them up against each other. Or another episode where she would stab him with a knife, or throw him out in the middle of the night several times, or call the police on him because she was crazy and attacking him and he had to hold her arms to avoid her acting out violent shit. They were both doing amphetamin frequently. And he was the nice guy always chasing her love, trying to get her in a good mood, walking on egg-shells around her. She was the really bad borderline personaly disorder person. Worse than Amber Heard. And he tried to save her, which he was totally hooked on, because when things were good between them, things were soooo good. And his mother saw him suffer really badly because of this. He was really trapped in this situation. Something makes me think that he just really deserves to rest in peace now. And my father and my step-mother, and his father, also deserves to rest now after all they have tried to do for him, and all the worries they’ve had. And I will remember him in my heart for his good energy. It is strange with those troubled persons who always has that charm and positivity about them, and who always sees the people around them and who are always available to talk deeply or humorisly about things. Very strange, paradoxical nature this type of persons. Mostly it was just good to be together with my family today. I cried sometimes here and there, and it was sad, but also something about getting a deeper feeling of being in family with all these people that really care about me and that I have known for so long really touched me deeply. The funeral ceremony was really beautiful, and I think I could somehow appriciate the beauty of the extreme vulnerability and nakedness in human life. It was very brutal seeing a mother and a father who had lost their child crying in front of the coffin. And it made me crack up as well. But I could appriciate this climax of the grief as a formal good-bye necessery for moving on.

26th session of kayaking this year Night-paddling with a buddy yesterday. Pretty nice, but we were going to try to have a guitar-jam in the kayaks out at the ocean, and it wasn't so successful. Uncomfortable to play guitar in the kayak, and uncomfortable to paddle with them in the kayaks. But it was fun anyways, and we had a really nice jam by a fire a place we stopped. Not so much journaling here lately. I've been very tired lately. Much processing to do after I came home from the ayahuasca retreat. Not much practice either, except I've been playing a lot of music. The ayahuasca retreat was intensly inspiring regarding that.

25th session of kayaking this year Kayaking with two friends today. 5 hours. A really nice trip. One of these friends I had almost given up on regarding kayaking. He was afraid of something I couldn't understand, but now suddenly he has totally "catched fire" regarding kayaking. So strange in a way. When I gave up on trying to create a group of friends who goes kayaking together, suddenly that group came to me. But not to make this into too much mystical schmystical, I guess I did something right when it comes to inspiring people to get into something I find valuable. Something about being very enthusiastic about something, but at the same time learning to let go of pushing people. Accepting that people will come at their own pace if they find it valuable. And not having any investment in whether they find it valuable or not. AND, I needed to exhaust my own obsession with this before I was able to be this relaxed about it. Basically I just hope this will happen in all areas of my life, and it seems like it is, because I need to become a much more spacious and relaxed dude who is much less pre-occupied with my own agenda. But at the same time I'm really glad I have the ability to just really express and exhaust these energies when I have to, because it always seems to lead to a better place. I just needed to go out there and be really wild about kayaking, and now I can be, eh.... less wild... haha.....

Spa with saunas, warm baths, and 2 cold baths today, together with a good friend who is also from the same ayahuasca community as myself. It was really nice to talk about my newest experiences with him. Basically it is a bit strange that none of us are so die-hard devotees of this anymore like we used to be. It is just one of many things that gives life richness and meaning, but not the main-thing. We concluded with that everyday life is what it is about now. None of us suffer as much as we did when we first started with this, so there is no need to seek refuge in an ayahuasca church the same way we used to. We are strong enough for life now. There is some sadness in this, but also a lot of joy and a feeling that life has moved on in a very positive direction.

24th session of kayaking this year Managed to get 4 friends to join me for todays kayaking-journey. So nice to be a larger group of friends :-) Now I feel integrated back into society again after the ayahuasca retreat, and I'm ready for a weekend of working night-shifts starting tomorrow.

Haha! Thanks! "Psychedelic horn of the gods" Best description ever! :-) We actually had a jam-session a few weeks ago where all of us smoked cannabis, and one of the guys held the didgeridoo for me over his head like a ramp up into the sky, so that I could blow through it from the lowest end. One of the clouds turned into some kind of psychedelic face that I was totally getting absorbed into to the point I forgot I was playing the dideridoo or where I was. It was pretty spectacular :-)

Back home again after participating in a beautiful ayahuasca retreat 1 hour beach yoga today. So nice! This is my first day back in my hometown again after spending 9 days at this retreat center where I participated in something which was a combinded yoga retreat and ayahuasca festival. I still haven't quite landed from that experience, but we did 3 full ayahuasca ceremonies. One on wednesday, one on saturday and one on sunday. It was very nice to connect with this group again. So much I could have said about this, but I find it hard to find the words right now. I started drinking ayahuasca with this group New Years Eve leading into 2011, and I've had something between 20 and 30 ceremonies now. The first ceremony we did this time is the first time ever that I have been throwing up while drinking this medicine. Which is kind of interesting because throwing up is what everybody associates with ayahuasca. Well, anyways, it was so good to finally throw up. It was a huuuuuge thing as well, and I felt soooo relieved afterwards. I also witnessed two children getting baptized during these ceremonies. Like seriously. One on wednesday, and one on sunday. Wow. That was so profound. I'm almost starting to cry just thinking about it. It is one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced. A beautiful woman that almost looked like an elf played the harp on sunday while the second child got baptized. Holy smokes. And I was totally blasted on this plant medicine. It is hard to describe all these experiences. But I can only say they were very profound. And now I'm integrating back into society again. Glad I'm having a few days off before I go back to work again. Today I've been jamming and connecting with some friends, and I certainly need to get my feet planted back into this material world again before I go back to work, so tomorrow I'll first do some jamming again with friends, and then we are 4 people who are going out kayaking together, so that will certainly help.

23rd session of kayaking this year So I’m at an Ayahuasca retreat in, and I arrived early, so a guy here borrowed me a kayak and I paddled a beautiful lake that this retreat center is just right next to. Wow. Such a beautiful way to become familiar with the spirit of this place. Looking forward to the up-comming days. I’ll stay here for a week and we’ll have 3 ayahusca sessions and lots of yoga and other supportive tools. Great start with this kayak exploration <3

1 hour beach yoga today with a big group lead by a nice teacher. Beautiful sunny weather. Wow. So nice.

20 min vinyasa flow yoga and a cold shower this morning as well. Oh yeah :-)

30 min ganja yoga I just finished 30 min of ganja yoga now in the evening. Very nice to both start and end the day with yoga. Feels like I have kick-started my yoga-practice again. I was focusing very hard on kayakaing for a while, and then as I increased my kayaking skills and got a lot of strength, it was time to bring in some yoga as well. Yoga and kayaking gives me all the fitness I need.

20 min vinyasa flow this morning as well, and then a cold shower. So nice :-)

20 min vinyasa flow yoga, and a cold shower, today. So nice :-)

22nd session of kayaking this year Went kayaking again yesterday with a really cool and nice buddy. We visited this beautiful island where we had a coffee and an ice-cream at the summer-open café, then we had a little swim and relaxed and chatted in the sun about interesting things. Damn. It was so good. My friend was really happy with this trip. Unfortunately I've been pushing him too far many times when we've been paddling before. He doesn't paddle as much as I do, but he has a hard time saying no to a challenge, so I've been pushing our trips before too far into length and difficult conditions, but this time I focused much more on catering to his needs and to just have fun and relax in nature together, and that was so much better for our friendship experience together. I need to spice my kayaking focus up much more with just relaxing in nature type of experiences. Not just going far and exploring new things. Enjoying kayak out in nature can really be the perfect combination of exercise and deep and healing relaxation. It is very nice to just go out there in order to just be and hang out in nature. Not just to chase something. I think what I chase the most with kayaking is probably just something similar to runners high. But the light exercise is really good for becoming warm and focused and to dissolve restlessness and get into a Zen-state of mind. But after having warmed up to this state one has to take it further by just really opening up to nature and the deep healing which is out there. All that beauty and stillness which is out there. It is just so abundant. I'm a very restless dude, much of the time, so normally I've been too restless to really appreciate nature, but kayaking really melts that restlessness out of my body and totally opens me up to peace and beauty. Nature is just a really perfect place to just be. Usually I kayak alone, and it is so good that most of the time I never feel lonely when I do it. But of course it is more fun with company. So hopefully I can attract more kayaking friends <3 Would have been really awesome to be a group of people who explored these types of experiences together with creativity and passion.

30 min ganja yoga, and a solid cold shower (after a really good and warm hot shower) So I've been smoking cannabis the whole day, and it has just been the most relaxing day ever. I was even high while I was kayaking. And I've been watching paddling videos on youtube the whole day as well, including a river-paddling video on Netflix which was just super-awesome. So I was just super-inspired as I sat down to smoke some more after last journal entry. And my thoughts has just been spinning on kayaking the whole time. Just really processing this really super-awesome sport that I have found. So I thought it was time to bring in some yoga again, to help integrate all this into my body even more. Kayaking in itself is really grounding, because it brings you so into the body because you have to use the whole body while paddling. And the repetitive motion of it, while at the same time you have to focus on keeping the balance with a relaxed focus. It really is a balancing act while you get to exercise your whole body and enjoy beautiful nature at the same time. So awesome on its own. But how to make it even more awesome? By bringing back my yoga-practice again. So this session of ganja yoga was so nice and smooth. I feel really mellow and strong at the same time now. This kayaking thing is really an extension of both my yoga-practice and my sitting-meditation practice. It totally is yoga and meditation fully integrated with nature. Ones goal while out paddling is simply to become one with both the kayak and the nature. Just flow into it and merge, and let nature take over. Surrender to nature, both outside of you, and inside of you, and let them merge. I see kayaking as a spiritual practice.

21st session of kayaking this year 2 hours of kayaking. So nice. Haha. My infatuation with the greenland paddle is already over. 1 / 3 through the journey today I switched back to my old euro blade. I was having a kick on youtube binging on a dude who is totally in love with the greenland paddle. Haha. He talks very spiritually about how it makes you complete and at one with your kayak as a paddler. I found it very inspiring, but then I figured out today that most of what he talks about can be applied to a regular euro blade as well. He is basically talking alot about wearing your kayak in the sense of becoming one with it, instead of it being something outside of you, and how to learn to feel at home in nature and with the wind and the waves, and ride with them instead of fighting them. Of course I'm probably not so adjusted to the greenland paddle yet. It probably takes a lot of work to adjust fully to it, but I figured I'm already so comfortable with the one I have been using for now, so I'll just stick with that comfort, and apply his philosophical principles to the skills and comfort I already have. It is probably nice to switch it up every now and then, though. Interesting to check out the various schools of thought regarding paddling. There is always some "return to the roots" dude out there hehe... :-)

20th session of kayaking this year 1,5 hours of kayaking. So nice. I already totally love the greenland paddle. I feel so whole gliding through the water with it.

19th session of kayaking this year 2 hours of kayaking, then a cold shower, and then 10 min in corpse pose on my yoga-mat. I tried out a so-called greenland paddle today. It was so awesome! The whole experience felt so much more natural and there was so much more «Qi Gong» in my paddling movements. The paddle cutting through the water felt like cutting silk with razorsharp scissors, and at the same time there was something very mellow and chill about it all. Totally love it! I want to start learning the eskimo roll soon, and I can only imagine that will turn the whole kayaking experience even more into something of a yoga-practice. During the course last weekend I experienced with what type of yoga-poses I could do while sitting in the kayak, and that was also a really awesome way of exploring yoga, and also getting some much needed stretching for my lower-back. All of this just totally rocks. And it feels like I have only just started to explore it. It was pretty demanding to do that course, but now I can totally start to reap all the benefits it gave me.

Cold shower, and 20 min lying down in shavasana on my yoga mat. So nice. Deep rest coming out of that.

17th & 18th session of kayaking this year So this weekend I participated in a kayaking course. 8 hours on saturday, and 8 hours on sunday. It was really awesome! Last summer I did something called an introduction course, which was only 4 hours. The next course on the course-ladder is something called "basic course" which goes over two days with 8 hours each day. I learned so much more about how to operate the kayak, and the instructors and the group were really great. Since I started kayaking I've been really hungry for a very solid kayak experience, and this course had it all.

Two really good cold showers today. One in the morning, and one in the evening. Really nice and flowing day at work in-between.

16th session of kayaking this year So nice :-)

45 min of meditation, and a cold shower, this morning. So nice. Meditation this morning was just straight into presence, clearity, and silent and collected joy.

15th session of kayaking this year 2 hours of kayaking tonight. So nice. Padling at night under the full moon was a beautiful experience.