Ampresus

Alright let's start very easily with this. This journal will be about my life, in many different fields. I will talk about everything that is in my mind and won't leave. I will talk about people who inspire me, or just their quotes. I will talk about my way in becoming a succesful man. I hope this journal will make ''planning for my future'' easier. Since I joined this forum, I noticed that a lot of mature people struggle with things I couldn't come up with myself. You guys have low self-esteem? There are actually people who are in depth with spirituality? There are people who share actual knowledge without misleading me? You mature people keep suprising me, but without further ado let me start with a generalization of my life. My Life Oh wauw what a suprise. The journal is about my life. I am a 14 year old boy who is new to self-actualization. Before all of this, I used to game a lot. I did a lot of unneccesary things in general which I only later discovered. I despised books, didn't understand why someone would read those if all the information in the world is already on the internet. Gaming got replaced with books after this forum happened to me. Gaming already got boring, I only did it because I was bored. Which doesn't make sense now I think about it. I got introduced to actualized.org with deep spiritual video's, so I needed to take a step back and watch some of his older video's. After laughing for 10 mins about Leo looking like a balloon in his enlightenment stream, I finally understood how his channel became from ''all about succes in life'' to ''non-duality, spirituality etc.''. I don't know what the first word means, but that is fine for now. I used to be a Muslim. I prayed 5 times a day and kept myself from doing sins (not always I admit). Since watching Leo's vids, I basically dropped all those beliefs. Now I meditate instead of pray, read self-help books instead of gaming/Quran and focus on myself and my values (oh btw the Quran is so difficult to read jesus christ). I don't let myself get lead by a force I can't question. My mother and father are still heavily Blue same with my sister, but there is another person which I would like you to meet: My brother. He has classic autism. He doesn't understand a single thing about Islam, or the world. He needs to laugh if we force him to do prayers with us. Don't worry, he gets taken care very good. My parents really love him and so do I. Looking at him, I always wondered what it would be like to live without forces. Without how anyone tells you how to be. He doesn't follow up rules from a book. If he wants to, he can rage or smile. Be angry or extremely sensitive. He still inspires me and I am planning for making him my teacher for spirituality. After posting a topic about him, someone suggested I should try to look the world from his perspective. That's what I have recently been doing and I must say, it is pretty funny. I am about to start reading ''Mastery'' by George Leonards. As I said, I am new. I only have read 2 books about self-help, where in the second book many words were difficult. How can someone use words like self-assertiveness, integrity and self-acceptance? Who even made all those words up? I still don't understand some important knowledge, but I guess that's fine. I wonder how difficult ''Mastery'' is. As a last note, the story about Rasputin is in my head. Mostly because of the song. I wonder if gaining power with manipulative love is actually possible.

I realize that I started this path all wrong. Instead of starting with fixing my life, I started with chasing enlightenment. Therefore I will change my way of living from the fundamentals first. Meaning I will focus on all the points Leo mentioned in the following video: As you can see, the video isn't that new or anything. In fact, the video is all the way from 2014! Haha! Yes I will be starting from here. This is why I have the following question: Are Leo's older videos still valuable for someone who wants to start at the basics? When you look up certain older topics, you can see that Leo has made several videos on those topics in the past time. One in 2014, one in 2016 etc. I was wondering if his oldest videos still can be valuable or if I should start around 2016. Thanks in advance.

You can skip the entirity of my backstory and head straight to the bold questions down below if you aren't interested in where I am coming from. This topic is something I think all of us are familiar with. That moment during meditation where your legs start screaming, your back starts yelling and stress levels are rising. At least for me that has happened quite often back when I meditated 40 minutes a day. At some point I couldn't handle the stress any longer and quit for a long time. Now I am back on it. Specifically: I am meditating for 10 minutes every morning sitting straight on my bed. The thing is that my legs start screaming around 7 minutes. When I tried to meditate again for the first time I recalled how much I hated this. The pain makes ''looking at your thoughts'' so much harder. Now I do have a solution for this: sitting on a cushon. To be more exact sitting with your ass on the cushon. My legs still touch the ground. This is perfect for me, but I recall Leo saying something like: ''You know sitting on you cozy cushon for 10 minutes a day won't do much right? Why do you think all those Zen guru's are sitting on rocks? Because of the suffering!'' Not exactly what he said, but something close to it. Now my questions are: Is using a cushon to meditate a yes or no? Will 10 minutes every morning make much difference? Hey Leo! I remember that you used a lot of cushions to meditate on during one of those solo meditation retreats! Does it only count when you meditate all day?

05-07-19 I am almost consistently meditating 10 minutes every morning and reading is getting more and more exciting. I think I am starting to move forward again. Although I will post a topic about if suffering with meditation is a good or bad thing. More on that in the Meditation sub-forum. Still watching porn unfortunately... oh and the test week ended. I am planning to do shamanic breathing on my favourite song: Droopy likes your Face. That is gonna be a fun ride.

Droopy likes your face. Droopy looks in a cave No one is there Droopy looks under a tree Droopy is enormous You know what, I'm happy... Don't let the fact that the song originates from a game make you all skeptic. This song has helped me a lot during my sad times. Maybe I should try shamanic breathing on this music...

02-07-19 + I am meditating almost everyday + I am meditating almost every morning} + Socially I am doing alright (no cry-attacks and depressing thoughts) - Still watching porn... - Falling back to old habits (gaming a lot) - MY BOOK HAS SO MANY PAGES

26-06-19 Yes so basically she procrastinated the date AGAIN. I am done chasing her. There is another girl which seems to like me from my class, so I will focus on socializing with her a lot. I am meditating consistently! 10 minutes a day! I am planning to do this every morning.

@Sick Boy My grades are great, but thanks for the recommendation anyway.

My first date will be tomorrow. We are going to eat at both our favourite restaurant. I think I really like her. Anyways, any advice? Things I should really know? I am a young teen male, unexperienced in this field. Enlighten me.

@Shiva oh yeah the capital letter of course how can I forget that

@Pernani Man... She randomly came with a third excuse. All of the sudden her mother doesn’t allow her to chill with her friends around the periods of huge tests. Apparently she suffers from panick attacks around these periods. So she called it off and said “maybe somewhere after the tests?” I honestly cannot believe myself. I have been trying to have this date for about a month now. Just when I was sure enough to post about it on the forum...

21-06-19 The day of huge changes. Tomorrow I will have my first date ever. More of that in the appropiate sub-forum on this website. School is about to end! A party is coming and I will be practicing my skills on hitting on girls. I am planning to focus on the basics of self-help. Meaning watching the old videos of Leo, finding my LP course and practice hitting on girls. I am done being confused with where I am on some sort of Spiral or what Nothingness and God have in common. Basics first.

18-06-19 Everything is going better. Told my crush I liked her, she said she would think about it. First date is this Saturday. My actual first date. Meditating 10 minutes a day, educating myself on psychedelics. This man named Terrence Mckkenna happens to be a veteran on psychedelics. Leo placed him in both Green and Turquoise. I have long sits on my balcony staring the sky. Don't know what I am really doing. School is almost over. Oh and I am making progress on Team of Rivals. Currently trying streaming and uploading on YouTube again.

My man Wim Hof is everywhere these days! Thx for the share.

14-06-19 I am not making any progress. Just jerked off to porn, bought 2C-B today from your typical street dealer. Yesterday I sat on my balcony during the night for a whole 30 minutes. I am planning to do more of that. I emailed a local drugs advisor about the 2C-B, whether I should jerk off before using it to decrease the extra libido and how I am supposed to test a drug when I am a minor.

07-06-19 Hello everyone. Not gonna lie, not much happened in these past few days. I asked, the same girl I asked a long time ago, out. After ignoring me for 1 day, I messaged her again and she finally responded. Haven't really been practicing asking girls out in public, mostly because I don't had the time. Now that the holidays are approaching, I will be going out again.

Hello everyone. To face my fears and actually stand a chance at getting a girlfriend, I decided since the day before yesterday that I would atleast hit on one girl per day. So far I have hit on I think 5 girls and all rejected me. That is why I am posting this. I have the following questions: 1. Can pick up lines work? So far I have only tried a pick up line that I made myself. I approach a girl and then say: ''Are your parents painters? Because you are a nice view.'' (sounds better in Dutch). The girls I used it on always laughed, but then proceeded to say that they are already taken. Only the girl I tried it on today made it clear that she wasn't interested. 2. How do you approach a girl when she is walking with someone? I see plenty of beautiful girls that I just don't know how to approach. Mostly because they are walking with their parents, their girlfriends, their boyfriend or in a whole group of friends. I don't know how, if at all, I should approach these girls. I mean it can get really awkward when her parents are literally next to her or when her entire group of friends are watching me. When there is only one girlfriend around, I might be able to do it. When a boy walks next to her, it seems like an immediate no-no for me. 3. How should I start the convo? I have tried pick up lines and then ask for their number, told them how pretty they are and ask for their number or start first with asking if I am bothering them at all. None have worked. Do I need to be less direct? If so, what am I supposed to tell them first? ''I saw you walking around and I think you are very beautiful so I needed to say hi. How has your day been?'' ? Just a normal convo? Not directly asking her number? 4. Hitting on girls in my school or hitting on girls on the street? Which do you recommend? I mean I see the girls in my school everyday, so once rejected it can get really awkward for the rest of the year. I have tried to hit on girls mostly in the city centre. I noticed how half of the girls I approached only speak English. Which means I need to practice lines both in Dutch and English, being able to switch between when the girl happens to be English and still look normal. Stuttering to a beautiful girl WHO ONLY SPEAKS ENGLISH is really easy. Girls in my neighborhood look good, but have (like me) an Islamic background and so reject me instantly knowing how it could damage their faith. Atleast that is what I have encountered with the 2 girls I hit on who live in my neighborhood.

I want to get, for the first time really, serious about a topic. I recently listened to Leo's video about beliefs and have decided to put most of my focus on this. After having gone through the whole thing I still got left unanswered about certain things. I hope I am asking these questions the right way. 1. Should I start by questioning specifically meta-beliefs or normal beliefs if that matters at all? 2. How can one know that they have directly experienced something as easy as 1+1=2? 3. (following up on question 2) If you have directly experienced something, are you still meant to question it? Like questioning the fact that you percieved green as green or Leo as bald. 4. Is there a specific practice that really helps with this? I suppose contemplation for hours. If you have any other suggestions feel free to speak up. 5. Do you know any good books about this topic?

03-06-19 Great news everyone! Ramadan ends today! Today is my last fasting day! I have decided to focus on dropping beliefs. My approach on self-actualization has been too much from everything and then ending on nothing. I listened to Leo's video about beliefs and it really got to me. I won't be reaching out to much new knowledge, I wanna focus on beliefs. I have meditated for a few minutes today. I noticed how my legs started hurting even though I was sitting on my bed. I tried different positions, but it just didn't feel good. That is why I will be making a post about other types of meditation soon. Still hitting on girls, no succes.

@flowboy Zuid-Holland. Keeping my city private.

I have the same question man. I am participating in Ramadan and so far have encountered (I think) a few mystical experiences. Fasting + my loneliness + boredom for hours = me sitting on a chair in the park looking at animals and see stuff collide. You forget you are hungry or thirsty for a few seconds. I wish to relive those experiences everyday and so visit my local park a lot now. Impala's are funny. Atleast, I think they are impala's. They always just lay around and eat. Not much to do, just really simple. However, I don't know how fasting can do more for me then just a few mystical experiences. It sometimes felt like awakening, then again I have never ''awakened'' and so don't know how that feels.

30-05-19 Hello everyone. I have good news and bad news. Bad news: Today in the night I just couldn't and jerked off to porn. It happened fast, didn't even really watch a video. Good news: I am trying to build up experience by hitting on atleast 1 girl per day. Yesterday I hit on one girl, today on 3. Went to the park again. Almost, again, everything collided. I swear I am close to a deep awakening or something like that. Stress + sexual urge + tiredness = tired me walking around and being fascinated by cows.

28-05-19 Greetings everyone. If there is someone reading this... I hope you enjoy your day mate! Not much progress. Although I am progressing in reading my book! Says something right? I don't know. Tomorrow I hope that I will have the guts to approach this girl. Just asking her group of friends something like Leo suggested me to. Something gossipy he said. I will try to care as less as possible about the outcome. I am surprised that I wasn't lying about the whole ''quitting porn'' thing. It is so easy now to not watch porn. I am 5 days after my last... you know what... and I am feeling great. Haven't felt the sad feelings in quite some time. I wonder where I have buried them.

God I can't believe I am at this point in life, but seriously everything is boring. When I started my journey here I was a gaming addict, porn addict, fantasize-fanatict and overall lazy. Although I went to the gym 3 times a week, I didn't feel much energy boosts or whatever the pro's are according to scientists. Gaming is boring as hell. I think I should just quit all of it, but I still have 2 friends who game and don't want to lose them. My only friends one would say. Without them my life is even more empty. However, now I come to think about it, they are internet friends. Meaning I will forever cry behind my monitor, because lets be real here. I won't meet them IRL. And if I did, we would never move to a place together or something where we can IRL friends. Gaming stays the same, always. Never fucking changes. Gamemodes, in-game loot, everything is the same. So boring. I admit that I still am addicted to porn. I can make up all kinds of excuses, but the fact remains that I won't get any sexual satisfaction any time soon. I stopped caring how the ''beautiful'' girls think about me. Since I started to be more me, and less someone else, I haven't gotten much succes with the ladies. Although, I might be able to quit porn if I can do this thing called ''Tantra masturbation''. I read something about it on this forum, but couldn't find the post later. With ''fantasize-fanatic'' I mean literally spending hours fantasizing about how it would be to have a chill life. Spending minutes fantasizing getting a blowjob or having a threesome. Yes, I even practiced lucid dreaming so that I could have sex in my dreams on command. Fantasizing has always been something I did and Leo made me realize that I was actually waisting time. When I started with meditation I was hopeful, now I quit because it brought me stress. How am I supposed to look at my thoughts when my legs are asking for attention because they hurt? The hurt isn't the problem, the fact that I can't focus frustrates me. I get mad and then stressed. Stress has been in my life since a few months ago, when I started with all of this. Wow, I wonder why.... Laziness is just my best friend if I am honest. However, now that everything is boring, even sitting on my couch doing nothing is not fun. Gaming for hours just doesn't do the trick. Watching movies is very boring, especially when in the middle of the movie you realize that you don't have friends. Especially when the people in the movies clearly do have friends. Why am I posting this? Because this might be my last post. Spirituality, all fun and stuff, not my thing. All I do right now is reading books, somehow I can be entertained by them for 20 minutes maximum. Of course non-fiction books, I am not stupid. Currently reading Sophie's World and damn a lot of philosophers waisted so much time. Who cares if the world is rational? Jesus christ... Any suggestions in what I could do? I suppose sitting on a bench in the park isn't something adviced to do, althought I did enjoy that. At least trees are quiet. Nature is peace. #

@flowboy Ok lets do it your way. @bejapuskas