Consilience

Day 1 - Had that "date" with the girl. It went extremely well. I could tell she was having a lot of fun and so was I, probably the most relaxed, humorous, joyful day I've had all summer. In terms of building attraction, I could tell I was doing everything correctly. We went on a hike and I was leading 95% of the time, I was asking the majority of the questions, she was talking probably around 70% of the time which is great. And in terms of asking questions, I wasn't just asking bland questions either, I was creating emotional investment on her end by getting her to open up and dig deeper beyond the surface level. My body was extremely loose and relaxed the whole time, my shoulders were dropped rather than tensed up, my chest was facing out rather than all scrunched up like I'm texting, my mind felt at complete ease the whole time. Even when there were dips in the conversation, rather than trying to fill them in with useless chatter, I just let the silence flow and so did she. It was great. We went hiking, chilled on the beach, and just literally talked and laughed the whole time. Not sure how things will play out with her long term, but I know today was really great. In terms of how I was coming across, the energy I was giving her, I do not think this type of "vibe" is conditional. In other words, I truly feel like I can move myself energetically to embody these characteristics regardless of the state I'm in. A mind over matter kind of thing. I think the no porn and general lack of masturbation has helped, but I'm just not sold on the idea that I have to abstain from ejaculation to attract women. In fact, every woman I've ever attracted in my life has been while I'm actively partaking in pmo. When I met this girl way back at the beginning of the year I was in this addiction cycle and still managed to do it. Just some thoughts.

Day 0 - P Today was a very shitty day. I was off from work which would normally be great, but from the moment I woke up I just felt horrible. No motivation for anything at all. It felt like all of my energy was literally stuck in my balls. My body felt heavy, lethargic, my mind was foggy and totally lost in thought. I didn't meditate today either. The reason it's day 0 is not because of relapsing on pmo, but because I ended up watching porn. What's kind of freaky about the situation though is that today was also a really bad day for my health. My blood sugar was swinging from high to low to high to low all day long. Around 3pm I got the most intense sexual craving I'd received while doing this whole thing. My mind felt totally out of control, and my awareness was so so so dull. So I ended up watching the porn. However, somehow I kept myself from masturbating. Then about an hour later I went and checked my blood sugar and it was 3.5 times higher than it should have been. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I'm really not. But when my blood sugar gets that high, it starts to really affect my mind. My emotions become really unpredictable. My mind becomes dull. My awareness gets dampened to the point where I'm unaware of the fact that there's even been a significant drop in awareness until I go and check my blood sugar. After I gave myself insulin, my mood started returning to normal, and my motivation and drive to do things productive returned. Unfortunately I went through another round of high and low this evening. It was a day. Fucking full moon energy I guess. Anyways, today was an interesting day because of the relapse. Leo's blog post about health is really fucking significant man. Good health is quite literally the foundation for consciousness work. I wonder if it's even possible to become enlightened without a properly working, healthy body/mind system. It really frustrates me that my personality, mood, emotions, motivation, mind, concentration, awareness can be so affected by my health situation. It makes me feel weak like I'm somehow making excuses for myself, but then I feel the difference of high blood sugar vs. when the insulin is kicking in and the difference is dramatic. In terms of this whole 90 day thing I'm not even sure how I feel. I'm honestly tired of becoming dysfunctionally horny. Without a doubt there is no purpose for porn in my life. It needs to go 100%. Just like I would never start doing heroine, there's no need for porn. Masturbation on the other hand... It just feels like I'm repressing my sexuality in all honesty. Yes some of the benefits are great, but some of the increases in energy are not actually that helpful, they just make me feel aggressive and unbalanced, especially when strong sexual urges come. It also feels like these state changes we feel from no fap are possible to generate without the need to do hardmode. I'm not sure yet though. I'm just gonna let this one sit and contemplate on it more. Either way I will keep going on the 90 days no pmo/porn and to be determined with regular porn free masturbation.

Day 30 - Saw a girl on a hike today and thought, "I'd fuck the shit out of her." Which pretty sums up what day 30 feels like. Scheduled a hiking date with a girl. Note gentlemen, unless you are already regularly having sex, a hike isn't the best date idea. The logistics for sex are horrible; sex is the most important component of a relationship to gauge whether you're moving into friend zone territory. However given that it's the time of COVID, I really don't care about dating/relationships/seduction right now. Still ready to start doing serious cold approaches once things are "normal" again.

Day 29- I didn't finish reading the book, in fact I didn't read at all, nor did I complete the life purpose work I'd set for myself. However, I did end up spending probably around 6 hours today working on recording broll, changing my profile picture, and channel art background. It's amazing how many failed attempts I went through before finding the design. Even though it wasn't related to video production, it was just as important, more important even. This is 100% an unhealthy behavior to indulge in, but I ended up smoking a joint just to slow down how much I was pushing myself with work towards the end of the night. Yet, what was so amazing is that when I returned to my computer in the altered state I came up with the final piece to my channel art that I'd been working on. Everything literally just clicked and it's exactly where it needs to be. Today was one of them most creative days I've had in my life, which brings me to the topic of this journey. I don't know if it's a function of the no fap/no porn, but I've been consistently hitting levels of work ethic I've not expressed in a very long time. It's like I'm tapping into a source of my being which feels energetically aligned with this purpose. I think there are two reasons for this: 1) Because I finally feel confident in the types of videos I want to make and how I'm creatively distinguishing myself from the loads of other spirituality based channels out there, I think it's easier to have a powerful vision of where I'm heading with the channel. Having this level of visioning really helps with pushing myself. 2) I think there truly is something to this semen retention technique. Even though its caused a good bit of suffering, it's also correlated with massive increases in energy bouts, focus, and work ethic. - The last thing I wanted to mention. The other part of my YouTube channel that changed today was the name. I changed it from a brand name I'd come up with about a year ago, to now just being my personal name. Well the name my parents gave "me" ;P When I finally was at the screen to make the change, energy in my heart swelled up and I cried, a lot. There was so much I learned from the first channel, and I will carry those lessons with me to death. Yet it was truly time to begin a new.

Day 28 - Didn't journal last night unfortunately. I was working on a lot and it just got so late. There weren't really any highlights work mentioning. Just another day. Daily intentions: Hatha yoga (boho beautiful channel on YT) 1 hour of meditation Post video on YouTube to publish tomorrow Create outline for next video Do more keyword research for future videos Finish The War of Art (GREAT book btw) Workout Get a 'date' with a girl I've been talking with on and off this year (not a real date as we'll still have to social distance, but we've been tentatively talking and making plans for hiking when she'll be back in the city I live in. She's really cool. Not the girl I mentioned previously though) Just finished Leo's blog post on the concept of requisite variety. Extremely powerful and empowering concept. I realized I'd been unknowingly applying this concept to how I make videos... But I can start applying this meta skill of creativity to literally ALL of my problems in life. I think one thing I've learned is that creativity is truly limitless and to solve one's issues in life, it will require a massive amount of creativity. The amount of creative solutions a mind can create is infinite even when we feel contracted and limited in a moment. For example, I remember stressing out about what to make my next video on, but after spending about 2 hours or so last night researching keywords and determining whether ranking for those SEO choices would be authentic to what I'm REALLY wanting to talk about, I found a great combination of words that is both competitive in terms of SEO, but also authentic in that it honestly represents what I want to talk about. The point is, I had enough requisite variety to find the right combinations of words in addition to having enough requisite variety to find a way of making more creative and engaging videos. Other domains I need to apply requisite variety to in my life: Dating, attraction, seduction, interactions with the opposite sex My financial situation/escaping wage slavery My living situation Being more creative with life purpose goals My own inner psychology of personal development/habit formation Time management My health and wellness/Energy problems

Day 27 - Today was better. More energy, less resistance. I went downtown and took some shots with the camera, felt good. I smoked a joint which was honestly very relaxing and stabilizing. Taking long gaps between smoking definitely makes the experience feel more healing and less draining. In terms of PMO updates let me list the changes I've observed in my direct experience: Body feels energetically polarized. It feels like there is energy running throughout my body from the sacral chakra. I feel more aggression Noticeable more energy levels Higher work ethic I hit flow states much more quickly Very horny. Random women incredibly more attractive I have resistance looking people in the eye for longer I'm noticing more random women look at me Need slightly less sleep Negatives: Miserably horny sometimes Weird sex dreams Sometimes I've felt like flow states have turned into overworking Mind activity has increased during meditation Other positive habits are more difficult to follow Dick feels hyper sensitive. Not sure how I'm supposed to have sex on no fap and last

Currently on day 27 of no fap, or somewhere around there. Yeah the energy increases I've received are fucking absurd. I've actually spent this last week over working on my Life Purpose to the point where I sacrificed sleep and other healthy behaviors just so I could work longer. It felt manic. I'm not really sure if no fap is the healthiest thing long term, it feels unbalanced. I think a balanced release schedule like once every week or two would be ideal. Still not sure. Porn on the other hand.... Yeah that shit is just poison for the mind.

Day 26 - It feels like I'm really starting to enter the trenches... I woke up today very tired and unmotivated to do anything. I started talking yesterday about how the no fap feels like its helping with my chronic fatigue and today felt like one of the worst days of CFS I've had in awhile lol. I'm not sure if after the 90 days I'll continue the no fap... It feels like the sexual release could be a centering technique, healthy if done in the appropriate way. I'm really not sure though. I think after the 90 days I will have more clarity, I still feel like this could easily be addiction brain talking. 26 days of abstinence after 12 years of pmo is hardly healed or in a position to honestly evaluate what's healthiest. Tbqh it's really annoying being so horny, but somehow I can subtly tell that there is a deep healing process taking place. I will continue to not underestimate this addiction. Just as I can tell healing is taking place, I can also feel the grip of this addiction on the mind. On a more positive note, it's really cool that every day forward from here on out is a personal record.

1) I'd intellectually realize that all of those things are impermanent. Life will take them away from you sooner or later, well before you die. 2) Start getting comfortable with just being. Start practicing some sort of do nothing practice where you are just silently being. The more at peace you can be with being alone, the easier detachment will become. Find the happiness, joy, beauty, and fulfillment with doing nothing at all, and you've hacked life. 3) Just be patient. I've had days where I feel totally in bliss and completely willing to accept anything life has to give, and then I've had days where I'm totally caught in my ego stories, craving and desiring things that are completely out of my control. Attachment takes time to let go of, this is because of the self survival mechanism that keeps you alive. Don't underestimate its power. I'm sure other people on this forum can give helpful advice. This was just sort of off the top of my head, I hope it helps

Mushrooms are much cheaper and fully organic I know psychedelics aren’t for everyone though, but I consider them to have extraordinary spiritual guidance if that’s what you feel you need, may be worth considering. Great to hear it went well though. Im interested to hear about future updates!

Day 25 - Another solid day. My energy levels have been skyrocketing lately... Unfortunately the sexual energy is as well. As someone who experiences chronic fatigue like symptoms quite frequently, having this level of energy is an amazing feeling, however having really strong sexual urges is difficult to transmute. I updated my YouTube's channel art and am quite satisfied with it. I plan on releasing the latest video on Sunday. Regardless of whether it does well or not, whether Lady Algorithm likes it or not, I know I poured my heart into this one, and I know its quality captures everything I've been trying to accomplish with videos. I consider it a new beginning to my video creation journey and as such, I view it as a new baseline. I will only continue to improve. Maybe the next video I make won't be as good or successful, but in a year's time I will have a linear line of progress, I will improve, I will grow. Regardless of whether this video does well, I know it's captured the vision of my Life Purpose more than any other video I've ever made, and for that I have nothing but self-reverence.

Day 24 - Oof... I keep over doing it... I worked another 4 hours on life purpose. My latest video is nearly complete. Hands down one of the best video I've ever done. When I look back to the first video I ever posted on YouTube and compare it to what I'm about to release, the contrast is shocking. Utterly shocking that I could have made a difference in quality to such a degree. I'm not trying to make it sound better than it really is, but it is living proof that the path to mastery and the potential for improvement is infinite. I'm excited to see what kinds of videos I will be producing in another year. It feels like the urge to finish this, to exert creative energy is becoming obsessive. I ended up not meditating at all today, which is ironic considering my video is on meditation. It kind of feels like I need to masturbate just to purge the creative energy. Or maybe like smoke a joint and dull the mind's energy, I'm not sure. In all honesty it felt manic which isn't good. Tomorrow I really need to take a break and just let things settle down. The way I've been working on this is unhealthy and completely out of balance. I believe this must be a side effect of the no fap/no pmo because usually I do not have the energy to work like this. One thing I do know though, for subsequent videos I'm going to have to find a way to be more efficient. Over the last month I've spent probably 40 hours contemplating, writing, shooting, editing, and filming for this thing and it's only 14 minutes long lmao. Unfortunately, YouTube requires more frequent content than 40 hours/month/video can yield. Overall though I've learned A LOT and effectiveness/efficiency and balance will be my next phase of focus as I continue on this journey.

Day 23 - This is yesterday's entry. I got home at 12:30am and went straight to bed. I got home very late last night after a 4 hour shooting session at the beach. I drove out on a beautiful sunny day and spent the entire time shooting b roll, taking photos, and trying to practice with my camera. It's amazing how much footage I got that isn't necessarily usable because it just isn't the quality I'm after. This new approach to making videos is extremely gratifying though, being able to explore a whole other dimension of skill and mastery I didn't even know I enjoyed so much until my latest LSD trip. However something I'm noticing which I think is a side effect of the no fap - I believe I have an excessive amount of creative energy which I guess is good, but partially bad. When I start working on life purpose work and overcome the initial activation energy required to beat "resistance" (read Steven Pressfield's, The War of Art) I've had a tendency to fly off the handle in almost manic work modes. I can spend hours just working without really noticing the time. Absolute flow mode. And while it's an amazing feeling to be in the zone like that, and while it's also giving me confidence that I'm on the right path in terms of my life purpose, I've noticed I have trouble over doing it. When my mind gets into these creative, creating mode it's like all the energy I'm not releasing through PMO gets released into whatever I'm doing. The down side is, I haven't really figured out how to not over exert myself. It felt like I went a little overboard this weekend. I'll be updating tonight's entry later this evening.

Day 22 - Worked like a mad man on my video. By far the highest quality video I've ever made. I synthesized cinematography into the creation which feels so amazing. My zone of genius 100% communication, but I also have a talent for photography, which I leveraged for this particular video through cinematography. I will be applying and expanding on this technique more and more as I continue creating video content, as well as improving my verbal communication abilities. Today was also significant because this is where I relapsed on my previous streak. No urges though. All of my excess energy went towards accomplishing those intentions. Tomorrow will also be a significant day. I'm not sure what I will be manifesting, but it will be powerful.

Day 21 - My coworkers and I had a backyard social distancing gathering this evening. Two of my coworkers have wives. In all honesty, these women aren't really the type I would consider having sex with or dating. Partially they are much older than I am, and also partially I think I can find a more attractive female partners. On the other hand, tonight I found them to be more attractive than I ever before (we've previously met). It was like I could feel their feminine energy when we locked eyes, as I listened to them speak, their mannerism, the little details of their behavior. I felt so incredibly open to their femininity that despite them not really being my type, they were beautiful. So beautiful. I could just be with their essence as women and I understood what my coworkers found so attractive about them. Porn seriously disrupts my ability to see the beauty of women on a very deep, even spiritual level. I find I am able to connect with them more, hold eye contact for longer, be calmer around them, and ultimately, create an open space between my masculine core and their feminine core more effectively when my brain isn't fried from porn and pmo exposure. As odd as it sounds, it was a very healing experience being able to connect with women I don't even want to have sex with, yet feel their sexual essence and find the physical beauty in their being. Tomorrow's intentions: Hand write these intentions down after waking Meditate 1 hour Hatha Yoga Cold shower Workout Book airbnb for solo meditation retreat Create an account on Sofi to investigate refinancing student loans Email manager Call pharmacy about prescription problem Eat 180g of protein Record Video (life purpose) Thank you so much! Man it really does feel that way. Your support means a lot. Btw, your post about conflating a feeling state (tiredness) with a particular outcome (I need to rest and not do life purpose work) and how really all of experience is one big placebo effect, that what we feel and how we interpret those feelings which translates into behavior was an extremely powerful perspective. I'm really gonna sit with that one.

This is really powerful

Why does absolute love bring me to tears if it is experienced as nothing? When its not experienced at all? Why does my body/mind react in such a way? And why don’t I remain conscious 24/7 of this nothing? If love is all accepting of all evil, why do we become more compassionate as we become more conscious of love? Why is compassion the response? What is the difference between infinite compassion and infinite love?

Amazing updates man. Was wondering how you were doing. Personally I seem to be hovering at a weird intersection of stage 7-8, yet Ive taken a break from TMI, sort of. Recently I had a very powerful intuitive pull to begin working with the do nothing technique, which as best I can tell is the choiceless attention stage 8 practice. I recently had a meditation experience that felt orgasmic for 60 minutes straight, and nearly all of my sessions these days turn into some level of pleasure. Yet the equanimity and detachment thats building makes me not even care about the pleasure or pain. Even the intention to follow the breath feels like a limit on experience. Just surrendering to being has actually yielded more focus, more introspective awareness, and peripheral awareness than following the breath. After committing to the choiceless attention/do nothing technique, I jumped from stage 5/6 to stage 7/8. It feels kind of off the path of the traditional TMI roadmap but I remember the book it explains not everyone’s meditation path will be exactly the same. Super happy to hear you’re getting to these deep levels of wisdom. Have you had any insight into Love, and what its nature is?

Day 20 - Things are starting to feel really good. I have noticeably more energy, more grit, more focus, and can push myself harder when it comes to the amount of work I'm capable of doing per day. I still struggle with chronic fatigue like symptoms which I can only guess are due to my body's illness, but overall the benefits of no fap are really kicking in. I will say though I have been really craving intimacy, human touch, sex, physical connection with the opposite sex, with someone I find attractive. But this is just part of the path for now. I got the time off for my work to pursue the solo meditation retreat, so now I just need to find a place to go.

Beast. Thank you man.

Doing both has radically shifted how I experience life. Both practices seem to feed off and enhance the other. One of the best integration tools and ways to go deeper into trips is through meditation, one of the best ways to deepen meditation is through psychedelics. Beautiful combo

Day 19 - Today during yoga I had a huge surge of sadness wash through my body and I just cried man. No clue why, or where it came from. I didn't bother analyzing it, or trying to understand what was happening, I just let the emotions run through me. It felt like they originated from the center of my chest, my heart chakra, and would then pulsate throughout the rest of the body and physically release and exit as tears + a softening of muscle tension. Tonight was a lot of soul searching, a lot of self reflection. It was a lot of abstract, mental and emotional integration work from my last LSD trip and what the implications of those lessons were. Perhaps the emotions I felt during yoga originated from that trip, who knows man. It all kind of feels connected. I'm gaining clarity on my purpose and continuing to trust in the principles of patience and surrender. On the topic of this current no-pmo journey, I think I've hit another semi flatline. It seems to go in waves where some sort of peak will occur during a given day or days, and if I can just ride the wave out, the sexual impulse and energy eventually subsides. Yet with each knew impulse, the wave grows in strength. Every time in my life thus far I've caved to that wave. I must say this journal and transparency is incredibly helpful, so whoever may be reading, thank you for your support. It means a lot.

Day 18 - I don't have much I feel like sharing today. Just another day on the path yo.

If you masturbate at all Id cut that out too in addition to the porn. @Michael569 ‘s post is great.

Day 17 - Woke up in a very interesting state today. I woke up and was just angry, but angry specifically at a woman I'd been sort of semi dating right as COVID19 really kicked off. It sucks because I really liked this woman, pure stage green hitting yellow on the SD model, super attractive. However, right as we really made our intentions known that we were into one another, COVID lockdown happens and we're supposed to start social distancing. We keep hanging out, but at a distance which at first was fine, but it slowly just kinda puttered the 'relationship' out. Without really being able to act on physical urges or touch at all, the chemistry just slowly sank. We stopped hanging out as much, she started taking longer to respond to texts, and now we've communicated like twice in the last two months. Part of me feels hurt and frustrated that she just stopped showing any sort of interest and left me hanging. I would say she did the backing away not me. I've analyzed the past and seen places I probably fucked up building attraction, but with the fact that there's a pandemic and no possibility for real physical intimacy, I don't know how much I can blame myself. Yet on the other hand, she didn't back away from much. It wasn't ever really dating. We made out really intensely once at the beginning of lockdown/social distancing measures, totally breaking the rules. In a way I regret not pushing harder to facilitate sex in that moment because we'd already broken the rules, why not go further? But I think apart of me just knew it was really not okay what I did. I live with an immunocompromised family member so I was really putting them at risk. In hindsight making out at all was really fucked up on my end, completely selfish. But if I had actually pushed for sex perhaps the emotional bond would have been stronger, and we would still be in touch. It's not like we could really do anything about it now though because of the pandemic.. Part of me is angry that it didn't work out because I was really into this person, but part of me realizes that without being able to act on anything, there's no real relationship in that. Playing friends as the lockdown continued would have been worse. We can't act on each other, I can't act on anything with anyone right now with my living situation. With her specifically though it just sucks man. I really connected with her physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have no clue whether or not it will rekindle when things go back to normal. For some reason my intuition is telling me not to though. I can't put my finger on way, as I assume it would be very difficult for her to find a man like me. Not to brag, but I am just a very unique individual among the population. Everyone on actualized.org is imo. But yeah, there's just this gut reaction that tells me it will be a lesson learned. Once the lockdown ends, I'll be hitting the streets to meet random woman and gain experience so that next time I meet someone with wild chemistry, I have the experience and masculinity to keep the attraction. Accepting that frustration is important. I did my usual 1 hour of meditation this morning and just marinated in the anger, let it dissipate through a surrendering and turning into it. There's something powerful about total surrender and a letting go of unfulfilled desire. As the great Spike Spiegel once said, "What ever happens, happens."