Consilience

This is really powerful

Why does absolute love bring me to tears if it is experienced as nothing? When its not experienced at all? Why does my body/mind react in such a way? And why don’t I remain conscious 24/7 of this nothing? If love is all accepting of all evil, why do we become more compassionate as we become more conscious of love? Why is compassion the response? What is the difference between infinite compassion and infinite love?

Amazing updates man. Was wondering how you were doing. Personally I seem to be hovering at a weird intersection of stage 7-8, yet Ive taken a break from TMI, sort of. Recently I had a very powerful intuitive pull to begin working with the do nothing technique, which as best I can tell is the choiceless attention stage 8 practice. I recently had a meditation experience that felt orgasmic for 60 minutes straight, and nearly all of my sessions these days turn into some level of pleasure. Yet the equanimity and detachment thats building makes me not even care about the pleasure or pain. Even the intention to follow the breath feels like a limit on experience. Just surrendering to being has actually yielded more focus, more introspective awareness, and peripheral awareness than following the breath. After committing to the choiceless attention/do nothing technique, I jumped from stage 5/6 to stage 7/8. It feels kind of off the path of the traditional TMI roadmap but I remember the book it explains not everyone’s meditation path will be exactly the same. Super happy to hear you’re getting to these deep levels of wisdom. Have you had any insight into Love, and what its nature is?

Day 20 - Things are starting to feel really good. I have noticeably more energy, more grit, more focus, and can push myself harder when it comes to the amount of work I'm capable of doing per day. I still struggle with chronic fatigue like symptoms which I can only guess are due to my body's illness, but overall the benefits of no fap are really kicking in. I will say though I have been really craving intimacy, human touch, sex, physical connection with the opposite sex, with someone I find attractive. But this is just part of the path for now. I got the time off for my work to pursue the solo meditation retreat, so now I just need to find a place to go.

Beast. Thank you man.

Doing both has radically shifted how I experience life. Both practices seem to feed off and enhance the other. One of the best integration tools and ways to go deeper into trips is through meditation, one of the best ways to deepen meditation is through psychedelics. Beautiful combo

Day 19 - Today during yoga I had a huge surge of sadness wash through my body and I just cried man. No clue why, or where it came from. I didn't bother analyzing it, or trying to understand what was happening, I just let the emotions run through me. It felt like they originated from the center of my chest, my heart chakra, and would then pulsate throughout the rest of the body and physically release and exit as tears + a softening of muscle tension. Tonight was a lot of soul searching, a lot of self reflection. It was a lot of abstract, mental and emotional integration work from my last LSD trip and what the implications of those lessons were. Perhaps the emotions I felt during yoga originated from that trip, who knows man. It all kind of feels connected. I'm gaining clarity on my purpose and continuing to trust in the principles of patience and surrender. On the topic of this current no-pmo journey, I think I've hit another semi flatline. It seems to go in waves where some sort of peak will occur during a given day or days, and if I can just ride the wave out, the sexual impulse and energy eventually subsides. Yet with each knew impulse, the wave grows in strength. Every time in my life thus far I've caved to that wave. I must say this journal and transparency is incredibly helpful, so whoever may be reading, thank you for your support. It means a lot.

Day 18 - I don't have much I feel like sharing today. Just another day on the path yo.

If you masturbate at all Id cut that out too in addition to the porn. @Michael569 ‘s post is great.

Day 17 - Woke up in a very interesting state today. I woke up and was just angry, but angry specifically at a woman I'd been sort of semi dating right as COVID19 really kicked off. It sucks because I really liked this woman, pure stage green hitting yellow on the SD model, super attractive. However, right as we really made our intentions known that we were into one another, COVID lockdown happens and we're supposed to start social distancing. We keep hanging out, but at a distance which at first was fine, but it slowly just kinda puttered the 'relationship' out. Without really being able to act on physical urges or touch at all, the chemistry just slowly sank. We stopped hanging out as much, she started taking longer to respond to texts, and now we've communicated like twice in the last two months. Part of me feels hurt and frustrated that she just stopped showing any sort of interest and left me hanging. I would say she did the backing away not me. I've analyzed the past and seen places I probably fucked up building attraction, but with the fact that there's a pandemic and no possibility for real physical intimacy, I don't know how much I can blame myself. Yet on the other hand, she didn't back away from much. It wasn't ever really dating. We made out really intensely once at the beginning of lockdown/social distancing measures, totally breaking the rules. In a way I regret not pushing harder to facilitate sex in that moment because we'd already broken the rules, why not go further? But I think apart of me just knew it was really not okay what I did. I live with an immunocompromised family member so I was really putting them at risk. In hindsight making out at all was really fucked up on my end, completely selfish. But if I had actually pushed for sex perhaps the emotional bond would have been stronger, and we would still be in touch. It's not like we could really do anything about it now though because of the pandemic.. Part of me is angry that it didn't work out because I was really into this person, but part of me realizes that without being able to act on anything, there's no real relationship in that. Playing friends as the lockdown continued would have been worse. We can't act on each other, I can't act on anything with anyone right now with my living situation. With her specifically though it just sucks man. I really connected with her physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I have no clue whether or not it will rekindle when things go back to normal. For some reason my intuition is telling me not to though. I can't put my finger on way, as I assume it would be very difficult for her to find a man like me. Not to brag, but I am just a very unique individual among the population. Everyone on actualized.org is imo. But yeah, there's just this gut reaction that tells me it will be a lesson learned. Once the lockdown ends, I'll be hitting the streets to meet random woman and gain experience so that next time I meet someone with wild chemistry, I have the experience and masculinity to keep the attraction. Accepting that frustration is important. I did my usual 1 hour of meditation this morning and just marinated in the anger, let it dissipate through a surrendering and turning into it. There's something powerful about total surrender and a letting go of unfulfilled desire. As the great Spike Spiegel once said, "What ever happens, happens."

Day 16 - Today was quite a bit more difficult. I felt sloth like and as though all of my energy was stuck in my sacral chakra and desperately trying to be released. I actually ended working on life purpose work for well over an hour today, yet I felt like today was a waste somehow. Interestingly, today felt like I had pmo'd. The lethargy and total lack of motivation I get from pmo was how I felt today except I was horny. Weird combo. It wasn't until the day was nearly over that the energy finally relocated itself and I didn't feel like a sack of potatoes. I must admit, it does feel like I am denying a very deep part of myself by not masturbating. This usually is the line of thought that justifies relapse. But seriously, when I get on streaks even as little as these, I feel the enormity of the sexual energy of my body. I'm not sure how to properly relate to this energy after the 90 days are up. Perhaps like a weekly release schedule would be good, but I'm afraid that giving in will just turn into porn relapses. What I really crave is real sex with a real woman, but covid has made this an impossibility. Surrender is the only move at the moment.

They are as real or unreal as this sober realm

Day 15 - I visited a tree last night that I consider my friend. It always sparks intense emotions and awareness, especially when there's physical touch. I pressed my palm into its trunk, and at first, nothing happened. I then sat on a rock near the base of the trunk, leaned my back and head into against its surface and just chilled, entering into a state of being. Then I was presented an intense vision of doing a solo meditation retreat near the beach. So... I will be attempting a solo meditation retreat soon. More details to follow. Today was great. I made huge progress with my video creation process. I managed to get a really good microphone and make the appropriate post production edits to get it sounding extremely fucking good. Like top tear level quality. I have a vision of what I want my next video to be, and the pieces are slowly falling into place. I'm really taking my time with this. In terms of the no pmo goals, today was good overall, but now as I'm nearing bed, I feel A LOT of sexual energy build up wanting to be released. It's crazy how good keeping this energy inside feels, but how desperately it wants to exit the body. I am truly fighting a primordial force of nature here.

One time I was tripping on mushrooms and hiking. The first part of the hike was just hill land, very open and empty. As I entered the woods, the weather turned extremely grim, cloudy and the energy of the trip turned sour, and dark. As the hike progressed in the forrest, it started raining which only solidified the negativity. However, as the hike was nearing its end and the forrest opened back up into the clearing, the rain spontaneously cleared and the sun shined through, forming a giant double rainbow and the most beautiful sunset id ever seen. The entire trip had been a metaphor for life. Entering the dark woods is like going through extremely difficult phases of life but there is beauty on the other end. Or even life is suffering and death is merging with God. The trip can be conceptualized in multiple ways and all meanings are valid. Moreover, because I was under the influence, I used uber to go home. And the uber driver’s name was Wisdom, an Indian man who started spitting life advice the whole way home. He was the guru, the trip sitter to help guide and connect all the dots. One of the craziest trips of my life. Another more brutal example. When I was in high school, I got super obsessive into bodybuilding. I spent 6 years studying and applying these training and nutrition principles on myself, experimenting with what worked and what didn’t. Long story short, I got very muscular and into great shape, and was armed with a very high level of exercise and nutrition knowledge. I even double majored in Kinesiology and Nutrition in undergrad. Well as Im just learning about enlightenment and actualized.org, learning non duality, I get sent to the emergency room and am diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. First of all it felt like a test to see how much I was embodying these new higher consciousness principles. Yet more amazingly, out of the myriad of possible autoimmune conditions I could have developed, I get the one I was the most well equipped to handle. All of my exercise and nutrition knowledge was now being put to the test in a whole new way as my interest in bodybuilding fell away and was replaced with pursuing consciousness and life purpose. The amount of grace, humility, and love the disease has taught and still teaches me is a difficult to communicate. Ive been able to handle it extremely well though because of my history. There are a couple of more personal big ones that have happened in my life, but most synchronicities are smaller and you have to really be aware to observe and register.

Day 14 - Another difficult day at work. Clawing my way to financial freedom is extremely fucking difficult with 100K in student loans. And then it feels like doing it while having to manage the energy swings of my health is like playing life on legendary difficulty. But I've also realized sometimes the best approach to life is to just breathe. Things change. Things change so radically. My present situation will not always be so, and if I don't appreciate what is here now, I will never be able to again. Surrender has been a major theme of mine during 2020. No real urges today.

Interacting with women has given me loads of self reflection. Women will test your emotional mastery like no other. Can you go up to a super attractive female and keep a conversation going without getting flustered?

The good ol materialist paradigm. What causes it is that you and reality are not separate things. Your mind is literally locked in with the fabric of existence. Ive encountered some WILD synchronicities the more Ive gone into consciousness work.

Day 13 - Today was very difficult not in terms of this whole no fap thing, but in terms of life. Work was really tough. On a positive side, I got a new microphone for my videos which should be taking my YouTube channel's audio quality way up. I'm very excited. I have a very strong vision of the types of videos I want to make, a type of video which is radically higher quality than what they're currently at, and part of that vision involved much better audio haha. So what happened on day 12? Well honestly it was a really stupid mistake. So as you may have guessed by me starting this journal, sex has been on my mind a lot. As a sexual being, I have certain fetishes or preferences when it comes to sexual acts. This is pretty normal I assume most people like certain things when it comes to sex. Because it's been on my mind more, I decided to google about one of my particular fetishes and see how other people conceptualized and thought about it. I'd never really read anyone's opinion on this particular fetish. Well low and behold there is an entire reddit page devoted to this fetish. The first google link was an entire thread devoted to people talking about this fetish and making seem normal, fun, and sexy, which brought me some since of comfort. Well me being completely dumb and unaware, I decide to checkout this reddit communities home page in hopes of seeing more threads of people talking about it. TURNS OUT THIS THREAD ISN'T ABOUT COMMUNITY... It was about sharing porn and the one thread I landed on was in the minority. So I'm immediately presented with porn videos and gifs of my fetish just totally in my face. Honestly I should have known better, but I'm not really familiar with reddit. For some reason I assumed there wouldn't be porn on this page, but um... yeah. SO I'm sitting there face to face with these enormously arousing videos and gifs completely caught off guard yet immediately my mind went into meditative mode. I started asking myself, "Are you going to do it?" "Are you going to give in?" But despite the extremely high state of arousal, and rock hard manticore (got this from Alex Becker's channel) I just watched in complete detachment, studying how much my mind was craving the release of all of this tension. Admittedly I went watching multiple videos just studying how my mind was responding and whether or not I would pull the trigger and unload the magazine, so to speak. I truly think what stopped me was this journal. Even amongst the porn all I could think about was trying to finally create this change, and prove to this community it can be done and there are powerful benefits associated with freeing oneself from PMO addiction. Eventually I closed the reddit page, and then I remembered that one of my rules had been no porn. In the moment of shock and a hyper metacognitive state of detachment/desire/arousal I had completely forgotten that was one of the rules I'd set for myself. However, I view this as a test. Perhaps I was unconsciously trying to fail by landing on a reddit porn page, I don't know. Maybe I'm just justifying my own rule breaking, I don't know. But in a deep sense, I didn't fail. I just let go, didn't touch myself, and closed the porn. This was the first time for as long as I can remember looking at porn, a fetish no less, and just walking away. It felt extremely empowering, but also totally idiotic that I didn't think redditors would be sharing porn. Moving forward I will not forget the 2nd rule of no porn and if I do land on porn and keep watching, I'll reset my timer. I'm open to criticism or feedback on this, but anyways, day 13 was a success, no hiccups or anything. And I'm very happy I didn't relapse yesterday.

A self consistent illusion does not make it real. Apply your skepticism of the self to the whole universe and all that will remain is THIS. To be direct, there is no world outside of experience, yet experience, life behaves in such a way as to imply we’re all living in an external world which exists when we sleep and will exist when we die. This is the intelligence of consciousness manifesting. In the most absolute sense, this is an illusion though. The universe is literally your direct experience of this moment. In meditation when you are alone, in the darkness of closed eyes, that is literally the entirety of formed reality. Very radical insight though. For the purposes of self survival and the social matrix we all collectively live in, yes science is useful and so is government, criminal justice systems which use DNA evidence, etc.

You’re assuming there exists an external world outside of direct experience. This is the mind believing its own stories and fantasies. There is no Trump until there is an awareness of Trump, literally.

Day 12 - Very interesting day. Just for the sake of integrity and transparency, I ended up watching porn today which strictly speaking breaks one of the rules. However due to the circumstances I won't be resetting my timer. I did not masturbate, nor even touch myself though which is a huge win. These types of mistakes are normally the kind that are disastrous. I'm about to leave my home to see a comet that is only in orbit once every 6500 years. Either later tonight or tomorrow at some point I will explain what happened, what was learned, and why I won't be resetting my days. All I can say is after really looking in with a very critical and compassionate eye, I do genuinely feel it's best not to reset. Anyways that's all for now. PS. Meditation was lit again. Not quite as lit as yesterday, but still lit.

This is fairly normal during zazen which is sitting and doing nothing while facing a wall. Pretty interesting stuff.

Do you work full time in addition to pursuing this life purpose?

I feel this. My main motivation with meditation is taking extreme ownership of my well being. I want to understand what it must be like to sit and do nothing and be totally at peace with myself, totally and utterly content with nothing else but the fact that I exist. Most of my meditation work up to this point has not been this. However, after a lot of work, I would say I'm starting to find and understand this peace experientially, and more regularly. I feel like this level of practice is possible for everyone, including you. What I don't know, however, is what type of effort is going to be required, nor what types of meditation techniques you'll respond to best. Today was a huge breakthrough, a huge glimpse into what is possible with going down this meditation path. In fact, a 45 minute mini orgasm is more than a glimpse imo. I don't expect this type of thing to stablize for awhile, but I can imagine when I'm in my 40s with 20 years of meditation experience under my belt, who knows what it'll be like. I've only seriously been meditating for 2.5 years, but it's been 2.5 years with meditating 1 hour per day for 95% of the days. I don't mind at all. I've been practicing with the do nothing technique (zazen in zen, shikantaza in japanese zen translation, choiceless awareness technique in the TMI model, complete surrender based on Ramana Maharshi's teachings), however because I've spent months of using the TMI breath based techniques for months now, my attention is extremely stable, I generate significantly less thoughts during meditation practice, and my awareness of thoughts is A LOT higher. I think these 3 qualities of mind played a huge role. These 3 qualities of mind are cultivated and stabilized over time using a concentration, samatha based practice. At least that's what's *supposed* to happen. So I go into the session with these 3 things pretty much within the first minute, except they're all more significant than normal, especially the awareness of mind. Interestingly, as the pleasure was building I would have random monkey mind thoughts like we all do when we meditate. Yet this time my mind was extremely aware of ANY thoughts that were passing and effortless and automatically dropped all attention from them. Thoughts became these extremely minor events which disappeared as quickly as they came in. So I'm left in this hyper aware state where my peripheral awareness (awareness of the bodily senses) began to build and build and build. As this building took place, that's when I started to feel the pleasurable energy start to pulsate up through my root and into my head and 3rd eye. I would say during the climax (feeling 10% of an orgasm, possibly more) I was feeling a release in the 3rd eye and crown chakra area. And it was just that, energy going up through my body on inhalations, and then perfuse out into an auric field which felt like an extension of my body senses. With my eyes closed, my body didnt have a particular shape or form, it felt like this ambiguous pulsating energy field with a very dense core, which I could identify as the spine if attention wandered to the center. The energy rhythmically went up and out of the spine, recycling back through the body. It felt like it was its own form of intelligence with a will of its own, but not quite kundalini which I've also experienced. It felt subtler than kundalini but who knows. With this energy stuff, it's all kind of the same thing at some point. I want to emphasize though, this was a state of total surrender. There was no effort, or will, or anything trying to get more of or cling to what was going on. Just pure energy that felt like it was being released because the mind's lack of interference and a build up of awareness. I believe psychedelics have made my meditation sessions way more energetic. Ive tripped just about once every 2 weeks for the past year (currently taking some time off for integration purposes) and with all of the emotional releases I've had, my body feels like it has clearer energy channels. I know this may sound new age, but it's the only way I can describe it. My body feels like it has more internal clarity of the senses, my awareness can penetrate more deeply into subtle forms of energy. I've found that healing my psychological traumas and attachments opens up my awareness of body wherein I'm more able to generate happier and lighter emotions. The most powerful healing tool I've used is psyches and hatha yoga. It's worth mentioning I've also been doing daily hatha yoga since the whole COVID lockdown so perhaps this is playing a role as well. However, what I'd also like to mention is that meditating 1 hour per day REALLY starts to pay off at around the 2 year mark. There's something significant about an entire hour that just has never felt replicable with other times. Even though psyches have indeed played a role with opening me up to deeper levels of bodily awareness, I still thing 80+% of my meditation results come from meditation. Specifically, a meditation system that has worked directly on building concentration and quitting the mind (insert TMI plug). I do not find similar releases of tension in deep meditation as I do in deep trips. Trips have gone REALLY fucking deep into the core of my being at levels meditation simply cannot. I cannot say with confidence I could have healed at the same rate using meditation as I have with psyches. And in this way, I believe psychedelics have played a huge role with my general well being on a day to day basis. Yet just as important is meditation. Meditation seems to breakdown more surface level tensions like anxiety, depression, apathy, frustration, anger. Meditation helps break down and dissolve the tension we feel on a day to day basis. Psychedelics help breakdown emotions and traumas that exist on the level of souls and reincarnation, or even childhood memories we no longer can even feel. For example, I remember one of my biggest unknown traumas I was carrying around with me was not understanding my diabetes. It was this general sense of "why me" that I didn't even know I carried. But when I traveled back to my birth on LSD and saw so clearly that this decision for diabetes was autonomous and by choice, I somehow understood all of it. This was a huge emotional and energetic release. Meditation has never done anything close to this. But let me flip the coin and explain what meditation has done that psychedelics haven't - The amount of beauty I see in the world, the amount of compassion I hold for strangers, the love I feel for all beings, the daily gratitude I feel for my body, or my ability to ride out waves of negativity like diabetic fatigue, depression, apathy (these are my most common) has all been a result of my meditation more than psychedelics. It's like the world of the mundane is slowly being infused with what a peak state of a psychedelic shows. Whereas the psychedelic can show you the love of god, it will not let you keep it. Meditation is the tool for embodiment. Psychedelics are the tool for awakenings. If you find that it's hard to release tension without external tools, you should look into hatha yoga. I don't think Leo emphasizes enough the mind - body connection. Your body is literally holding onto all sorts of deep emotional baggage. I've found this physical yoga to be an extremely powerful addition to my spiritual work. In fact, I could probably write another long ass post explaining the relationship between the physical muscle releases in yoga, meditation and psychedelics. But I've already written a novel. My biggest piece of advice would be don't underestimate what you'd be capable of by seriously committing to meditation practice, 1 hour per day, over a lifetime. It's a slow grueling process, but the changes are enduring. Meditation is the most powerful psychedelic integration tool I've found. It's also the most powerful sober tool I've found as well. You've gotta learn to concentrate the mind though. Which is why I push TMI so much, because I know it's what works for me. Others say kriya is great, but I've never responded very well to it. TMI and the do nothing technique are my go to's and these days I've been doing the do nothing almost exclusively AFTER my mind has reached a stable enough level. I know this was a lot, but the word vomit helped me contextualize my own shit so... I hope it helps haha. Seriously, don't underestimate yourself or what you're capable of doing in the long run.

Day 11 - Didn't meet all of my previous intentions. I was hit with a massive wave of fatigue after work today that I attribute to my diabetes. I'm not really sure what causes these things. They happen kind of sporadically and don't track with any variables I've been able to observe. Nutrition, sleep, exercise, meditation, yoga can all be on point and sometimes I'll still just crash. I've learned to be gentle with my self though, and not rush. Things are changing, I feel the progress on my path. Today's meditation was absurd. I meditated 10 minutes before work (do nothing) just to clear my head which felt fairly normal. And then after work I did another 45 minutes (do nothing) which was absurd. It was 45 minutes of non stop pleasure, moving anywhere between I'd say 3-10% of what the climax of an orgasm was. It felt like I could feel sexual energy pulsating up my spine and out of my body like a wave. I don't really have much conceptual knowledge of what auras are or anything like that, but it felt like the sexual energy was breathing into an energy field outlining my body while meditating, and just circling back through my root chakra. As the energy was moving, it was just non stop pleasure. I don't think I've ever had a more pleasurable meditation session in my life, I mean it was like a non stop orgasm, spontaneous feelings of bliss, happiness, joy and pleasure. It's almost unbelieveable except that I experienced it. Leo had a blog post not too long ago talking about Yogi's and Monks being like heroine addicts, except they could produce the pleasure themselves. This is how it felt. I was going to go for a full hour, but the pleasure got overwhelming and so I just got up and then went for a long walk which served as another form of meditation. Today was kind of tough though. After that meditation session I spent the evening fantasizing about sex, and all the things I wish I could be doing with a woman. Women I wouldn't normally find attractive were sexually beautiful at the park. And when I got home, the fantasies continued. On another unrelated note listen to this music if you want to feel agape: