aklacor727

@flowboy A combination of both. I can understand why you would say that and I ask myself the same question sometimes and think it may be easier to just start fresh with someone else. I think the main reason why I am giving it a chance is because in the past he failed to self reflect and didn't have the desire to grow and better himself as a person which in turn would have bettered our relationship. Throughout our time apart he very much did that, and I feel like the foundation of our relationship now is a healthy one, though it is definitely not perfect. There are other positive now that werent there before either. So in a way I feel as though I am practicing self love by giving the relationship the chance that I otherwise may have regretted. But I also need to make sure to keep in touch with my emotions and be aware of how they progress or fail to progress, in a way that I need in order to have a happy sustainable future with this person.. We will see as time goes by. I know this is not the typical happy romantic love story, where everything is just perfect from the get go but as of now I am willing to see how things progress - on both our ends because I dont know how his patience will be throughout this. That has been a bit of a struggle recently. As far as our conflicting needs that I talked about in the beginning

I've been reading "the body keeps the score" - brain mind and body on the healing of trauma. Very in depth book, I recommend ?

@Farnaby that is true, thank you it's always helpful to hear from another perspective especially from someone that's gone through it. It's a nice reminder to hear that I can't control his reactions, because through all of this I know what's best for me but I've been wanting to make sure I do my best by him too. I'll just have to be sure to continue to be open with my communication. I'm really hoping this book helps. I also discovered something called bioenergetics, body exercises to help the body release trauma. Therapy even if only just for myself would definitely not hurt. I have been without health insurance but finally got it for this upcoming year, so I feel good about that

This is important and what I think I need to figure out how to make him feel secure but in an authentic way to how I'm feeling. The truth is I care for him but he caused alot of trauma in my past and while I have forgiven him on a mental level, trauma gets stored in the body and I am reading a book on different techniques to move the trauma through physically. I am hoping eventually this takes away the guard that I feel is up towards him. He is supportive and asks about what I'm learning in the book, etc. Luckily our communication through all this is open and honest. But right now when he asks if I think it will work I said I don't know I will have to see. The damage may be done. It is honestly how I feel but at the same time i can see how it could cause him to feel as @Eph75 said, a bystander waiting for the unknown. But at the same time I'm open with about what he can do on his end to help me get there including not pressuring sex, and keep doing what hes doing in regards to continue showing me the growth hes made since the past when our relationship was traumatic. We were in an on/off relationship for a long time and were off this past time for almost 3 years until reconnecting 7 months ago. He has truly come a long long way. I am seeing if I can get there again emotionally but it is taking a long time.

@Eph75 @SamC @Farnaby@aurum Thank you for responding. My need is to have space and not feel pressure whatsoever regards to sex until I get to a certain place emotionally. To feel authentic in my actions and not ignore my feelings. His desires conflict with that. I understand of course that sex is a fundamental need and I want to be able to get to that place. He has been somewhat accepting and patient but it affects him. We have a complicated past, but without going into the nuances of all of that, I need this time to be able to get to a certain place emotionally to where we can have a sustainable long term future. My hopes is that I can there but in the meantime I want to handle things in the best way in regards to his side of things.

@andyjohnsonman I very much relate! It's so hard to come to decisions because of how many perspectives each situation can be looked at from. I'll come to a decision based on one, but then other perspectives still tend to come up in my mind. I've been confused too. I'm leaning towards just trying to follow my intuition and trust that, unless anyone else has better advice?

Do you think that if in a state of flow, your subconscious mind is more influenced and able to absorb information because of the relaxed state you are in, like with hypnosis and meditation? Been in the flow with some crafts ive been doing to pass time in quarantine. The thought crossed my mind that I could be using that to my advantage with things like binaural beats with subliminal messages, affirmations, etc.

I realized I was actually doing affirmations with the words I was embroidering anyway lol. I'm sure it has made impressions on my subconscious spending so much time making this. Didn't even think about the benefits of that. Though I live by truth n kindness and don't necessarily need those affirmations, still a cool realization for something I can do in the future with statements I need more

@Godhead it could've started as a coping mechanism, but the more you coped with things in that way, could it be that you eventually you came to identify as being this care free, laid back, doesnt care, type of person? Identity is a huge part of what drives the behavior in a person.. If you want to change your behavior change your self image. Psychocybernetics is a book that has alot of information on how to approach that. Maybe what you need is to see yourself as the ambitious go getter type of person first, before you are able to get to the point of having a strong compelling vision ?

He mentioned in a recent video it is coming ??? ? can't wait

What is your biggest regret? Does your life get lonely? What do you feel are the downfalls of having such a deep theoretical understanding of reality and humans? If you could accomplish ANYTHING in this world, what would you choose?

Understanding ego backlash was a video I remember being very thankful for, I can be hard on myself and it helped to give myself empathy and understanding for ups and downs of the self actualization process. As far as deeper metaphysical theoretical videos, quantum mechanics debunks materialism was profound and eye opening, def one of my favs

Ken Wilber is probably my current favorite. I like the big picture aspect of his thinking, also because of how much developmental psychology interests me, and how he incorporates that into his philosophies

I originally posted this in the dating/relationship/sexuality subforum but I think this is probably better here: Been doing some root chakra work lately to help deal with and heal certain sexual aspects... I got a tigers eye jasper stone which is supposed to help with sexual repression. I've been skeptical about the healing aspects of stones n crystals but figured it doesn't hurt to try it so I use those while listening to binaural beats. While I was listening to the one for root chakra activation, with the jasper stone I am very relaxed and begin to fall asleep. A gorilla appeared in my dream (though I'm only half asleep) and I made sure to remember that because I like to look up the meanings of dreams. This is what it said about dreaming of a gorilla I think this has to be more than coincidence... ? and I'm more convinced now lol

Leo mentioned in the part 3 ego development video he just released that dating someone that is in a different stage than you will never work out. What are your thoughts on this? I feel as long as theres compromise and making the others perspective feel heard and understood is what's going to make the difference. Unless the two peoples points of views differ SO much to where there are instances when both people feel very strongly about something that those two perspectives directly clash with eachother in regards to the future you are wanting to create for yourself. I understand why he would say that...it definitely would make the relationship easier and more fulfilling having those similarities. But at the same time differences and being able to talk those out makes a relationship interesting as well. Another thought, people are always evolving and growing. Why find a relationship at all then, with someone in the same stage as you. If you are just going to evolve and grow out of that eventually anyway. (At least people like us that are interested in self actualization). Anyway. I am currently in a relationship where we are very much different on this ego development level (him conventional, myself post conventional). So this is something I am considering and pondering. Would love to hear other peoples thoughts:)

@Martin123 I remember him saying before that the relationship you end up in is usually the relationship you are willing to settle for(or something along those lines) and same with all other areas of life.. Also I saw him comment once saying he wouldnt touch 99% of women with a 10 foot pole. Lol. He definitely has very high standards. Nothing wrong with waiting for that if that's what he wants, but yeah I dont think that is an ideal most people should wait for and seek out. Just thinking about relationships and finding that happiness and those feelings for someone there are SO many factors that contribute to that dynamic. Being in the same stage would definitely be an added bonus but not a make or break to me. As far as these stages when it comes to relationships, I think the main benefit is just being able to understand where your partner is coming from in their views. We got into a tad bit of an argument a few weeks ago, because we got into talking about the business he is going to be starting and he was going into the huge house he planned on eventually getting, boat, maybe even a maid, things like that. I responded in a way that those things wouldnt be what made me happy, and that just that he will have money and nice things that doesn't necessarily mean he will be happy. He was upset that I wasnt being supportive and excited about our possible future. I was upset that he was getting defensive and not making my point of view feel understood. The next day I reflected and remembered that's just the point of development he is at, and I was at that point before too. I realized when he gets excited about those things i should and will be supportive. Nothing wrong with wanting those things, and of course he wants those things. He HAS to go through this stage to ultimately grow further. Just an example of how these different stages have clashed in my personal relationship. But the understanding and reflection of it helped me to feel peace about our different points of views with it, and that is what I feel will make the difference..

@electroBeam I've never really minded being single @Martin123 I think you've misunderstood my post. Leo stated this in the beginning of the part 3 video, that a relationship will never work out if you are in a different stage. I was disagreeing/challenging that saying that compromise and making eachothers perspective feel heard, etc is what's going to matter whether there are differences or not. I was just wondering if others agreed with leo and their thoughts on why. Seems you do not though I think it is perfectionism and being very idealistic to only seek out relationships in the same stage as you. Like I said above though, I do see how it could make things easier.

What parts of self actualization are most important and inspiring to you? Think about what you would put on a vision board/top values/aspirations for yourself. And then think about what images/symbols could represent that and end up being something you would love to have on your body. For example, I love the concept of Mastery. Those half circle designs George Leonard has on his book cover could be a tattoo. Its nothing crazy or super out there but it would have meaning for me

I feel like I do alot of thinking and am good at figuring out what past situations lead to present struggles i face. Shadow material, traumas, etc. Just unsure of what exactly is the best way to move forward from that awareness I suppose...to create further changes and growth in myself, integrate the shadow material, etc. Specific ways to do that. How do you work towards integrating your shadow and healing traumas once you become aware of them?

@Farnaby thank u so much. Yeah I learned along time ago you can't change someone. Ive already accepted that he may be stuck in this his entire life. Would be unfortunate but I know all I can do is change myself and do what I have in my power to help if he is willing to, not have any regrets in that aspect.. I'm glad I posted this question, talking this through has really helped me

I need advice on how I can bring up to my brother that his victim mentality is keeping him stuck.. it's always excuses after excuses, negative mentality, black and white thinking. I thought about just sending him Leo's videos on it but I don't want to offend him. Would that be motivational or offensive you think? For someone to send you a video titled "how to stop being a victim". He has low self esteem/self image so I'm just sensitive to the fact that then he would add that negative label on himself as well. But If he were to really soak in that info and were open to it I just know how much it would help. Hes very very very stuck in life and has been living with me rent free for a couple of years. I'm trying to help him get set up with a career that he can support himself with long term. I had a long talk with him the other day on how this situation is not sustainable and how I am putting a time limit on it. Legit he brought up suicide if he were to have to be homeless/living in his car. I am talking 1-2 year time limit, not like next week. It frustrates me that he jumps to that type of thinking. I'm just thinking...where is the drive/personal responsibility?! Dont you not want that to happen? Time to do something, take action and responsibility...! Sigh. I just don't want to regret down the line that I didn't do everything I could to help him better himself. I know it is his thinking that's keeping him stuck. One thing that I did do was give him Psychocybernetics to read, which I'm hoping will give him motivation and start to see how his thinking and self image directly affects his life, how he can change/work on that. If I need to elaborate more let me know... But I would really like advice and suggestions on the best way to approach these types of people. How to give them the motivation they need/etc. Thank you!

@commie a sense of personal power would very much help him... that's a tough one though on what he would be inclined to want to do to attain that ? hmm I'll have to think on this. @Ya know lol, that video does seem more of something he'd watch over Leo's. Definitely would be a step up from where he is. I would feel bad showing him that though before hes able to let out and talk about some of the emotions he's been repressing. But this is good to have for after hes let go of some of that, kick start the angry motivation lol and hopefully some more progress @universe the gym closing down was more of an excuse to himself that set him off track. Like I said, victim mentality blaming things on external factors, etc. And this is his mentality with many facets of his life, not just this one. If he really wants it he can make it happen either way which we talked alot about throughout our discussion. To be honest I don't know if he is passionate enough about it and the career he is shooting for to actually make the weight change happen. Which is why I put a time limit on things... it's tough too because lasting change requires positive motivation not negative motivation. And the negative motivation of not wanting to be homeless is probably stronger since the career hes shooting for is not something hes actually passionate about, it would just be a way for him to be financially independent. Not making excuses for him, just being realistic about the psychological factors of it all. My hope is that just for the sake of being financially independent can be enough motivation. Another reason I wanted to make it clear to him that this living situation with me is not a long term possibility. But yet again, that's tinkering along the lines of negative motivation. But he is open to other career possibilities as well that don't require losing tons of weight lol so we set a goal that he should realistically be at after a year and based on if he is on or off track we can go from there. In the meantime like I said just going to work on being more of a part of his life and an influence on his growth, and there for him with compassion and love ?

@universe lol, thank you I wish it were as easy as just that but I know it's not. I definitely do think he needs a ton of love. Its unfortunate because though we live together we are not close. He spends a lot of time playing video games, pretty much all day, so we don't have alot of opportunity to talk and when we do its just small little conversations in passing. Plus I'm just an introvert anyway and enjoy spending time by myself reading, guitar, art, YouTube, etc. BUT I really do want to help. When the gyms open back up I think I'm going to make an effort to regularly go with him. Though I'm not much of a gym go-er, it would at least be a way for us to spend some time together so that I can have more of an influence on his life, grow a closer relationship. When he moved in 2 years ago, the plan was for him to work part time (just enough to pay his bills) so that he still had energy to go to the gym and lose weight to ultimately be able to work in a career on a ship to where he would be able to be on his feet alot doing physical labor. Hes very overweight. He has some progress over the last 2 years but losing weight is not easy and with the pandemic and gyms being closed it threw him off even more. When he brought up the suicide thing, he said something along the lines of "I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die I enjoy living. But if it were at that point of being homeless I wouldn't see any other way." I know it seems as though hes taking advantage (if that were the case this would be much easier for me to just write him and this situation off) but unfortunately he has alot of mental limitations..as I said low self esteem, also very bad social anxiety, and we had some traumatic situations growing up (toxic alcoholic household, both our parents ended up passing away). I don't think hes had many people to open up to about his feelings and has kept them inside for a long time, has ALOT of healing to do. And the video games are a distraction for him. Though our deep talks are few and far between, when we do I notice him holding back alot of tears and emotion, n definitely coming through as anger and blame... You are right, for now love and compassion is the best I can do, and can just go from there when the time us right. And making an effort to be more of a part of his life. And maybe eventually we can get to the point of him opening up to me about these feelings and healing a bit... Will be recommending to him the Sedona Method in the future as well that would be really helpful for him. I hope he ends up enjoying the Psychocyberbetics book. For me, one good self help book lead to a chain of others from seeing all the possibilities. Fingers crossed maybe it does the same for him... Thank you ?

Stage blue & green in a romantic relationship...I've been contemplating this lately and trying to weigh the pros of the qualities of this person and what they would bring to my life, with the cons of the differences of values.. We are not in a relationship, actually were in a long term back and forth relationship in the past, and just recently reconnected and talking about giving things another shot. Looking back, it makes alot of sense why we didn't work out, as alot of him was in (unhealthy) stage red, and I was in orange/green. Had no idea about spiral dynamics at the time but now that I do of course I am weighing this.... He is VERY heavy into stage blue now and I am pretty heavily green. This is a HUGE progress for him, but of course there are still huge differences in values, and looking at things in the long term, as he and I continue to progress up the spiral there will continue to be more. But looking back it was the unhealthy aspects of stage red that really was a deal breaker for me. No doubt he is past that and fully in stage blue (hopefully healthy, I need time to discover that). How much value do you put in to spiral dynamics, and choosing a partner that is on the same wavelength as you in regards to that...? There are other aspects to everything that I am weighing as well of course, but wanted to at least get the opinions of you all in here in regards to the spiral and what may be wise to consider in this situation, if I am looking for a long term lasting relationship... ?

I have finally accessed shrooms! Never taken any psychedelics before. I would prefer to take them by myself (most likely just in my room as I don't want to be out and about outside without first knowing how they will affect me). Think I will be fine on my own without a trip sitter? I don't have anyone that I feel would be good for that. I was thinking about taking a half of an 1/8th. Also, any suggestions on how I can make this trip most spiritually beneficial?