Iiris

Don't think I'll write that practice essay today. Today was the last day I could return it but I don't have time anymore. Dissappointed. But it's ok I had a bit rough day.

I've been keeping up with that schedule, not much to say Because of the courses and because I started watching these psychology videos I'm studying more like over 2 hours a day. Today I didn't do anything. I don't know why essay writing feels so overwhelming. I was supposed to write one today but I procrastinated on that. That essay problem has much to do with perfectionism probably. And indecisivness. I tried to write one yesterday but it didn't work out at all. I had spent 3 hours trying to plan and write that essay. Before that I wrote another essay which I didn't plan at all because I didn't have time, and that one turned out great. So I don't know if I write better when I don't plan what I write. I have still time tomorrow I will try writing about some new topic and not plan it at all. About the insomnia thing still, it's definitely not "severe" insomnia since I can get at least 6 hours of sleep. That's pretty good I do feel very tired some days though even with these speeling pills and melatonin. I will probably have to keep taking everything until those final exams are over. I've been taking 2mg melatonin. I tried taking 1mg a couple of nights to see if I wake up because I take too much melatonin. I still woke up many times so I'm not sure. I don't think it was worse though, I'll keep that 1mg for now.

I stopped taking the sleeping pill for a few days. Only took the melatonin, I think it was a mistake. I'm able to fall asleep quickly with only the melatonin, but the problem is again waking up too early. I wake up with the sleeping pill too but I stay sleepy so I'm able to fall asleep again. I was sleeping about 6 hours a night again with only melatonin, it was way too little for me apparently. I started feeling really tired an restless so I went back to the sleeping pill. Last night I didn't take it because I had to wake up early anyway. Same thing tonight. I don't have any further plans regarding that. I feel pretty good now. Daily schedule has gone quite well, except when I was very tired I skipped it for a couple of days. It can turn into a vicious cycle, when I'm too tired I get distracted by all kinds of things and I possibly go to bed too late. Then I am more tired next day. I feel pretty hopeful about getting to university now. I realized that even with the grades I already have I could get to psychology if I'm lucky. And it doesn't seem impossible to get them up a little. If it doesn't work it doesn't, there's other ways I can get there. I mentioned here too at some point that I tried to get my final exam grades up last fall too. I didn't explain that through. I only tried psychology. I got really lazy and barely studied. When I entered the exam hall I knew I wouldn't be able to get the excellent grade which I needed. So I didn't try there either. It didn't go well at all. I've already studied way more consistently than then, I know this time I'm going to at least try. I also bought two courses. They have live lectures so that will keep me from slacking off.

Last nights have been pretty good also. I still wake up but I can fall asleep after. 7-8h of sleep a night. I'm still tired but it's not overwhelming. I'll keep these sleeping pills for a while. I've been going to bed closer to 12 now. I try to get out of bed at 10:30. It's really late but I keep waking up during the night and that takes time. When I went to get the sleeping pills a couple of months ago they also sent me to a psychologist. I've been going there like once in two weeks. She gives nice perspective on these sleep issues, makes me feel less hopeless and afraid. I also told her that I need to study to get my final exam grades higher. And that it stresses me out because I failed when I tried to do that last time, and I feel like I don't have enough discipline to succeed this time either. We made some daily schedule for me together. It's quite easy I've been keeping up with it relatively well. I try to put some structure in my mornings and days. And in the late evening I try relax so I can sleep. In between I can do whatever. It has been something like this 10:30-12: wake up, do yoga, eat 12-13:45: study 14-15: take the dog out 15-17, eat, take a nap It takes effort from me to even succeed in that. I try to study 45min 2x and take a break in between. 1.5h a day, it's really little. But at least I won't slack off. I have two exams in 1.5 months, I worry is that enough studying. Finnish (first language) and psychology. I need to get excellent grades. I need to lift my grades up get to study psychology. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of psychology but Finnish is such a broad subject I feel like I've forgotten most of it. I need to learn text analysis and essay writing. I don't know if napping is a good thing. It's a bit more difficult for me to fall asleep in the night when I've taken a nap. I sometimes also wake up easier. But I'm tired and I feel like sleeping during the day. I don't take naps every day. Evening schedule has been a bit less clear for me. Sometimes I do yoga at around 22. Usually not, I just shower, eat and listen to something calming. Then I'm ready to sleep at around midnight.

If I continue life purpose related journaling, I'll make a new journal. I got rid of the last one, not happy with how that turned out. Life purpose stuff has mostly been on freeze lately. I need to focus on studying again.

It won't get easier instantly, but slowly Last night was pretty good I feel functional today. Woke up at least twice during the night, slept 7-8h with that sleep med. I didn't realize sedatives are very addictive, won't be taking them anymore. I heard the sleeping pill I used now isn't addictive. That's probably the worst scenario. Sometimes I wake up 6 hours after. And when I'm doing better I'm usually able to fall asleep after I wake up, and even have good quality sleep. I wonder if I wake up because the melatonin stops affecting or something like that. Though I've been waking up too early even before I started taking it. My sleep pattern was really bad when I quit this journal, that definitely triggered this fall. I hadn't opened my curtains in the morning and day for many days, for a long time. That moved my rhythm really late. That's why I was only able to fall asleep at 4. You need to get sunlight reguraly to keep your sleep pattern as it is. When and what amount of light you get, determines your melatonin production. Didn't even realize that before. Now I always open my curtains after waking up. My rhythm is good now, I start getting naturally sleepy before midnight. I also got a weighted blanked some time ago, I feel like that really helps. Also started taking some supplements, not sure if those have been helping. This is a nice youtube channel. The breath circle is a great idea.

Regarding the insomnia issue. I didn't want to write about it here first but it kind of belongs here. It started a couple of months ago, went to sleep too late a few nights like I've been doing, yet I woke up too early. I got extremely sleep deprived, and then realized I can't fall asleep even if I try to, even if I'm really tired. That made me panic so much I went to get sleeping pills. They didn't work much. Switced to sedatives after using them a few days, they helped a bit better. Also started taking melatonin. Took sedatives every night for a few days, then things got a little better, got less tired. I wasn't afraid of going to bed anymore so I quit taking the sedatives and only kept melatonin. That whole thing scared me so much that my sleep schedule got much more regular. I've still been going to bed a little too late, mostly around 12-1. But it's better than it used to be. Not going to bed very late randomly Anyway the insomnia stayed, for the past few months my sleep has been something like this. I fall asleep within an hour with melatonin (and the othe pill when I used it). Then I wake up after about 5 hours. Either I can't sleep at all after that, or I get a couple of hours of light sleep. Could be much worse, but that's not nearly enough sleep for me Not sure what's exactly the cause of this. Definitely part of the problem is that I'm chronically stressed to some degree, but I can't fix that quickly. Being very sleep deprived also makes me stressed, and it makes me more afraid that I'm not able to sleep. So it tends to turn into a vicious cycle Like I said it has been getting worse again. Ended up going to bed too late a few nights, so that contributed. I'm extremely sleep deprived again. I've been using sedatives for almost a week now. I went to the doctor today but she said I can't be taking sedatives. She gave me some other sleeping pills. Will try them now I of course wouldn't want to use medication. I know it isn't good for me. But pretty much it's the only option right now. Probably this will get easier like it did last time and I can quit taking pills.

Yoga is awesome. The reason I've been doing it so consistently is because I really enjoy it. Always makes me feel a lot better. My body tends to be pretty stiff and tensed up so it's a great practice for me, helps with that. I've thought about doing something like that. Definitely would be helpful. I could see if I find someone to do it with. That's true. Sometimes that goes the wrong direction for me. Thank you

Returning... took awhile. Haven’t had much progress. It has been pretty much the same. I’ve been having severe insomnia during the break. Much worse than it used to be. I don’t even know where to start with that. It was better for a while but now it has been going to a worse direction again. I’ve been doing yoga pretty regularly. Mediation less so. I might continue with that checkmark thing soon, I’m not sure yet. I know wanna focus more on building a schedule and not just doing things when I feel like it. If I don’t do the checkmark thing I’ll maybe plan things here and tell how this habit stuff is generally going.