Destiny

Thanks it means a lot that someone can relate. I know what you mean, I feel like I have a much greater appreciation of peoples pain and struggles. I write here mainly for myself but it’s nice to know other people are even listening honestly. Because it just seems like such a cold lonely world sometimes. And love is just a societal construct people take advantage of. I’ve been struggling for three years now with my divorce and I’ve felt this way for a long time. But no one will listen. Nobody cares. My family and friends tell me to just deal with it or man up. I reach out to people on the internet and nobody cares. It’s like I’m totally alone. I don’t know what to do because if I can’t find a way through this I will die. One day I will lose the strength to live and I will die. I don’t want it to be that way but it’s just so hard. Remember when you first got your heart broken? The pain of that. It’s like I experience that every day. == Is it better to get a Reverb + Delay pedal or individual Reverb and delay pedals? I’m a newbie but also don’t want to spend a lot of time experimenting w settings. == I’m grateful I took some action on a problem that was really causing me anxiety. I’m grateful to have good relations w B. I’m grateful I solved this problem at work today.

I’m a 47 year old software developer from Chicago. I’ve been dealing with a high conflict divorce and custody case for the past two years and it’s really taken a huge toll on me. I have two kids, a boy 7 and a girl 9. I thought long and hard about suicide and they’re the only things that stopped me. Now that I’ve decided I can’t leave my children, I have to find a way to fix myself so I can be the best dad possible. I also have a semi annoying cat. The divorce went as horribly as it could possibly go. I spent much of my savings fighting for equal time with my kids, and mostly I lost. The court took her side and gave her majority of time with the kids, full alimony and child support. I see my kids a fair bit - I have about 42% custody, but it was a long expensive battle and I still feel I got screwed. I have a lot of anger at the legal system and I’ve become extremely cynical about relationships and the government. We used to be pretty fairly upper middle class and our lifestyles have taken a big hit during the divorce. I used to own an expensive home and now I rent a small apartment so I can be close to my kids. This is due to the financial strain of the divorce - I basically have to support two households on one salary now. It’s been a huge lifestyle change and I’m still sort of in shock about it. I was always introverted, depressed, and had low self esteem prior to my marriage, but during the 10 years we were married I had something to dedicate myself to and marriage gave me a sense of purpose and identity. Since the divorce I’ve been lost, massively depressed, borderline suicidal, I had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. My self esteem is lower than its ever been. I feel alone, I don’t have many friends and my family is not supportive. I don’t have anyone to talk to most of the time. My life is very sad. When the kids are with me I can keep it together most of the time, but when I’m alone I’m lost. I can’t stand to be alone with myself. I distract myself with working on my side business - which is not going that well, or I play video games. I used to run marathons and play guitar. I’ve lost interest in these things because they don’t distract me from my pain and they remind me too much of my former life. My main personal goal is to fix myself so I can be better for my kids. I want to live a virtuous life, I don’t want to be so alone but I don’t know how to go about making those types of changes. I don’t want to be so debilitated by despair and sadness that I can barely function or take care of myself. I don’t want afraid of the future. I want my kids to see me as a good example. Other than that, my physical health is very bad. I don’t take care of myself. Right now I’m taking Celexa and Wellbutrin - if it’s helping at all it’s only enough to allow me to function. There’s no family history or mental illness that I know of. I’d like to get back in shape again, I know it can’t be good for my self esteem to be ashamed of how my body looks, I guess I don’t value myself enough to take care of myself physically. I have a masters in computer science. I have a good job as a senior developer at a software startup. It actually pays extremely well but most of my pay goes to my ex wife. I like the company, the work and the people I work with. But I also know that my severe personal problems the past couple of years have not helped me in my career as I’m not advancing and I’m seeing my peers get promoted. I spent the last six months preoccupied by the divorce trial and have been neglecting work. I’d like to get a promotion at work someday if I can get myself together. It’s also a personal goal of mine to grow my side business to where it makes up the money lost in the fig ice and maybe down the line allows me to quit my job and work for myself. My side business is writing mobile apps and financial software in addition to trading crypto currencies.l. In 1 year I’d like to know that I’m well on the way towards a better life. In 5 years I’d like to get promoted. In 10 years I’d like to work for myself full time. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs in the 80s. I have two brothers, I’m the oldest. My parents were immigrant doctors, and they put a lot of pressure on me to succeed academically. I rebelled and fought a lot with my parents growing up. Our family moved a lot and I had to switch schools multiple times. It made it hard for me to make and keep friends. I grew up very sheltered and repressed in a lot of ways. When I became a teenager I went wild and it caused a lot of friction with my parents. There’s a lot of pain there. It’s probably the source of my low self esteem. My parents always made me feel bad that I didn’t want to be a doctor, they compared me to my brothers and at the same time held me to much higher standards. I wish I had more of a happy healthy upbringing. But I grew up to be a damaged person in a lot of ways. I don’t think my ex wife knew how damaged I was when she married to me, and I thought that maybe marriage and fatherhood could fix me somehow. I’d like to talk to someone when I’m struggling to make it through the day. I’m also aware if I’m going to make a change I need someone to remind me to do the work and provide a program I can use to get better. I feel like I have so many problems I don’t know where to start - or it could be as simple as working on one thing like my character or self esteem that will help me make sense of everything else in my life. If I could change anything about myself I’d like to have high self esteem and confidence. When I was a baby my parents left me in the Philippines with my grandparents to go to the states and become doctors. At age 2 I came to join them, but there was a part of me that always felt abandoned by them at an early age. I don’t share this with anyone, but - my low self esteem is due to feeling alienated from the world. I’m alienated from the world because I’m so introverted and wrapped up in myself. I spend a lot of time alone. And this is what I learned as a child as a coping mechanism. I would abandon people first because I was so scared of them abandoning me.

The truth is I’m suicidal, or at least I think about it a lot. Think about killing myself, that is. How I’d do it. What the repercussions would be, what it would mean to me, or rather - to people who know me. People who love me, and need me. So I can’t do it. I know that depression is real, because there are people like me out there in the world who are only alive because of their kids. If I’m going to live I can’t keep going like this. I have to stop this terrible fall and do something about my life. If I’m worried about my kids, then be a better person for them. Make sure you’re doing everything you can to provide for them, make sure you stay alive - they will suffer in the future if you are not there for them. Financially, emotionally, everything. You can’t do that to them, despite the despair and the anger at the government and your ex wife and the world, you have to keep going. There has to be a way through this. If you are unhappy with just existing and just surviving - if that is killing your soul, then you have to pick yourself up and do something about it. It is possible, other people have survived this and gone on to new and better lives. Spiritually, financially, everything. God knows it will be difficult but you know that if you go on like this, just existing, sooner or later you will lose the will to live and you will die. If you are going to live you have to keep fighting. The way is not clear to you now but you have to keep fighting.

If you are even reading this, I have not posted in a while because I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal issues. Basically I go through periods of being totally shut down by depression and losing momentum in my personal and professional life. In the past few years I basically become totally shut down as a result of depression over some divorce related issue. This time was no different, and I don’t even think I’m over it completely. It’s spring break with the kids, they’ve been staying with me longer with me, so I’ve had to take some wfh days. J has been sitting on my lap while I work and generally freak out in my mind about all of the divorce BS that’s going on. I will write about specifics later, still sort of processing everything and trying to work up enough energy to get up and do something about it. Just trying to stay present for the kids while they’re here, when they have friends over for playdates. Making them food, playing video games with J. Going over to their relatives for dinner. Trying not keep it together. == For fuzz I'm torn between a Spires and a Hoof Reaper. My main genres are shoegaze and indie so Spires seems more of a natural fit tonally, but Hoof Reaper seems a much more versatile pedal. Like - with the Hoof Reaper - I could probably get good shoegaze tones since it's basically a Muff and a Tone Bender on steroids anyways - but at the same time I could also get really heavy and play Doom metal if I wanted to (which I frequently do lately). Does this sound like a good plan? Or would you go for the Spires? Also my overdrive is the Westwood - I could use it with the Spires I think, but if I got a Hoof Reaper I would probably have to get a heavier overdrive to put in front of the Hoof Reaper, right? == I’m grateful my daughter is so mature and responsible. I’m grateful I have such a close bond with my son. I’m grateful I’m starting just starting to pull out of a major tailspin and period in my life where I just totally shut down

I'm glad this personal stuff is going to be over soon, or at least a lot of it will be over soon. I'm glad I'm facing up to my problems even though it's causing me so much pain. I'm glad the kids will be with me this weekend. == I'm really struggling, heart palpitations going off, I think I'm having anxiety attack or low level anxiety attacks. Stressed out beyond belief, extreme depression and self loathing. Hopelessness. I really can't deal with anything, I keep thinking about the past, regrets, relationships with family and friends or lack thereof, isolation. Pessimism about the future. It might not be good for me to keep writing when I'm in a bad mood like this. Does it reinforce the negative thoughts? == From my mom I got my feelings of abandonment and isolation, my alienation from society, constantly feeling alone without anyone who understands. From my dad I got grandiose feelings of entitlement, also unrealistic standards that were not my own that I could not live up to, and a subsequent feeling of not living up to expectations. == When you succeed professionally it means you succeed in a social environment. Is it any wonder that I'm struggling to advance in my career if I'm basically a weird alienated loner who has difficulty maintaining relationships. Who also is going through a harrowing divorce legal battle? == I have to at least get back to the gym this week and do a little trading, at least try to fight against the waves and waves of hopelessness and despair that have been overwhelming me ever since this latest issue with my ex wife started happening. I have to at least try to get through it. == If I were another type of guy, I'd go out and drink with my buddies, go out to the bar and hit on women, maybe date women. I'd probably have an easier time professionally. Why am I like this? Everything is so fucking bleak. No love, noone cares, dismissed and abandoned, noone to talk to. Nobody cares, absolutely noone. On top of that, the government and ex wife are out to get me and take all my money. As if it weren't hard enough. Things have to change, I can't take this anymore.

Ok my theory: Everyone teams up to defeat the Night King Dani goes mad, turns on Jon Everyone teams up to defeat Dani Jon and Sansa end up getting married and sitting on Iron Throne Gendry becomes a war hero and figures into defeat of Night King Arya and Gendry get Married and move into Storm's End Jaime dies a heroic death in the war against Night King, also ends up killing Cersei Tyrion moves into Castlery Rock after the war

I’m grateful the kids are w me this weekend. I’m grateful I’ll be seeing my brothers and cousins tonight at the party. I’m grateful I got this project done this week at work. == Having really good success with waking up like 2 hrs early and getting the really hard to face things done first thing in the morning - also doing stuff like day trading early in the morning when I have my coffee that I can’t seem to work up energy to deal with later in the day after I’ve, like, gotten back from work and the gym and am hungry. ++ Still struggling. Massively stressed out, depressed (somewhat). I’ve still been somewhat productive, made it to the gym, effective at work, worked on music a lot, still facing down my issues (I guess you could call it that). My diet is crap the past couple weeks though. I think I’m getting really tired of eating salads - I have to get some kind of good kept cookbook to change my diet up a little. J texted me last night. I still have these health scares, is it really a problem? I’ll be sitting there at a meeting, just sedentary, and my Apple Watch will start buzzing, telling me my heart rate is elevated. Definitely getting these more frequently, I’m really hoping they go away when all of my money and divorce issues are sorted out. That being said, I’ve been trying to take it easy on myself, not hold myself to such high performance expectations at least for this week, as long as I get to the gym a few times, and do my day trading a little bit each day I’m ok for this week. Sometimes I have very dark thoughts, and feel very vulnerable. Feeling old. Feeling constantly unappreciated, or a victim of bad circumstances. Feeling frustrated, that I have to fight for everything in my life. Regret over lost time and bad choices. Meditation is supposed to help. My practice is probably really bad because it’s not helping at all and in fact probably contributes to my feeling of stress because I have to make time for it and then it doesn’t even help me feel better. Wanted to go to a meditation class the other week but that was when it was like -15 degrees below zero and I wasn’t leaving the house. I have to look out for one soon because what I’m doing meditation wise is not cutting it. Songwriting meet up next week, curious about it but not really expecting much. If I am to have a good day - I will get up soon and take kids to school, get my testing and my minor coding and performance problems sorted out with my current project at work. Be positive and a good mood at work, journal, meditate, take care of this health care spending account issue whatever it is. Transfer this money from PayPal. Pick the kids up, drop them off temporarily at moms. Go to L’s party and help him celebrate his birthday. He’s a good brother for the most part. I think my brothers are good brothers and my friends are good friends - it’s me that’s really the problem, I don’t understand people and I have such a hard time maintaining personal relationships, I distort situations. I’m massively insecure and have low self esteem and maybe borderline paranoid. On top of that also dealing with huge personal and legal problems. Pick the kids up. Clean the house. Do grocery shopping. Journal, practice guitar, do laundry, check the bank and budget stuff, catch up on email, oh yeah i have to stop at the *post office*. Sunday we have to get J’s friend a birthday present and take J to the party. If I can - day trading a little over the weekend but I’m ok for this week with this. Mostly just maintain the house and keep it clean. Spend time with the kids, make sure they are taken cared of and know that you love them.

I’m grateful I figured out the stupid python thing at work. I’m glad JZ got back to me about the taxes thing. I’m glad I got a full nights sleep finally last night. == Work has been really busy with the new project and sort of a deadline for the end of the week. I had to step in and help a couple people on my team that were having trouble with some things. Like A at work, nice person. Still have this sort of insecurity about how things are going and am I doing enough, sometimes it’s worse sometimes I generally feel good. I can only work hard when I’m there and trust that the work karma will pay off. A couple of recruiters have been calling me lately to interview at other places, I’ve sort of been blowing them off. I set real low benchmarks for myself this week, as far as personal goals go. Just go to the gym a few times, work on music. Eat right. I’m stress eating during lunch but generally just salads and stuff so more calories but ok stuff for you. I had a really gross salad today I could barely eat. I’m not sure if it was the salad or the fact that I’m still feeling pretty bad in terms of my anxiety and stress levels. Oh yeah the most important thing is the day trading. My main goal for this week is to get back on track w the trading and make sure I do a little each day instead of doing a lot in one day over the weekend. You can’t sustain a trading practice that way. Watching kids swim. Daughter said she was sick and decided to skip swimming today. Tonight if I really want to have a good night I will - go to the gym, straighten the house, watch my diet, maybe go to the store and get some tea, work on trading and or music, make sure I get a proper nights sleep. Party for my brothers birthday at the end of the week. Oh yeah tonight- check about how to make a payment to JZ about processing of tax forms.

I’m grateful for a couple of days off to work on stuff. I’m grateful I forced myself to confront my problems that I had been putting off. I’m grateful that if I am responsible and continue to be present in my life, that a long and really brutal chapter in my life may finally and once and for all be coming to an end and I can just deal with rebuilding my life. == There were a couple of days last week when I was dealing with personal issues related to the divorce and money, dealing with my financial advisor and ex wife about taxes and transfer of tens of thousands of dollars in retirement funds. I just couldn’t handle it. I had to excuse myself from the office and go sit in the hall and bury my head in my hands. Or I’d be sitting in a meeting and my Apple Watch would start beeping, telling me my heart beat was extremely elevated - I’m just sitting at a meeting, mind you, but of course my mind is wandering and I’m thinking of all of this bullshit related to my divorce and all the money I have to pay which causes me so much emotional trauma. My breathing would be choppy, I really thought I was having, or was about to have panic attacks again. Aside from the days I had my kids last week, I couldn’t do anything but sort of sit at home and stare at the walls, thinking about everything. I couldn’t go to the gym, I couldn’t work on my music or my trading. It was pretty horrible. That stuff seems to be winding down I think, at least I’ve done my part, and done everything I can up to this point, and I just have to follow up with some of the tasks that are still up in the air related to my divorce issues - contacting my previous employer, following up with my financial advisor about the state of the balance transfers in progress and if I need to fill out any more bank forms. My ex wife also seems to have calmed down for now. So I’m sort of at a calm point and can sort of try to relax right now. For this reason I am taking the weekend off from the personal tasks that I set for myself - working on my side business, trading, etc. Dealing with business associates, working out. I’m just sort of in hibernation right now until I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have to calm down and find a way to relax or I’m going to kill myself. Today I’m going to at least eat right, I ate clean yesterday, and meditate, and journal, and tidy up some things around the house. Do some trading for a couple of hours, work on music a little. If I am very ambitious I will go to the gym and get a workout in - I didn’t work out all last week and my diet was absolute shit due to stress eating. I’m sure I gained a few pounds last week, which is unacceptable. I have to at least continue to lose weight because spring and summer are coming up and - in general, I have so much stress and anxiety that the least I can do for myself is try to improve my physical health. I wrote a new song as part of this songwriting group I’m in, I’m thankful I’m at least improving with that stuff. Went through a period of a couple of days where I question the futility of everything - like what’s the purpose of creating music if really basically there’s no chance for me to ‘make it big’ or even have anyone pay attention to it. I’m just going to get drowned out in a sea of home recorded music on the internet, nobody basically cares. I mean do I care that much if some random guy sends me a link to his Bandcamp page? Not that much, even if it’s a friend of mine. I also know how much is involved in writing and recording an album because I’ve done it before - it’s a shit ton of work over a long period of time for no recognition or reward. On the other hand, it’s always been personal goal of mine to have albums created that I can call my own. Meeting people and playing shows would be a stretch goal. I arrived at the point where I think I still care enough about creating art for art’s sake to continue plugging away at it. The question is - what about work and my career ambitions? What about this side business? I have been continuing to work really hard on the job, so that’s squared away. The trading and the side business - I haven’t spent time with it because, basically, I know that I can’t trade like this. I can’t trade in a bad emotional state. I take bad trades and make bad decisions, I will lose money in the long run and it will be unproductive. I need to be in a healthy and stable state of mind to be trading on a regular basis. This is another reason I have to continue to try to stabilize myself right now - I won’t really be able to continue with my side business effectively if I don’t stabilize myself. Work is work, I have to live and I have two kids to support - and an ex wife. So I have no choice but to keep plugging away there. I’ve been doing very well at my current company so I feel like at least I’m on the right track in terms of my current job. But the side business. I need to reapply myself in that area of my life, if I’m going to be happy again and or get to a place where I’m happy with my life, I have to get a promotion and start making some meaningful money on the side with the trading.

Taking a few days off from working out and daily journaling. I've had some pretty heavy personal stuff going on this week, and I think I had a couple of near panic attacks. Going to take the day to chill out at home and relax. I'm going to start going back to the gym and writing tomorrow.

I'm grateful for my beautiful son and the bond we share. I'm grateful for the responsible and mature person my daughter is becoming. I'm grateful the lobbying group is working so hard on behalf of fathers in my state that are fighting for their kids. == Massively massively depressed, feeling lost, alienated, hopeless, filled with regret over the past, scared shitless about the future. Is this as bad as it seems? Right now it seems about as bad as it can get short of - someone walking up to me and shooting me in the face, or a close family member dying, or ... name whatever horrible thing that could potentially happen. I don't want to get into it here, but basically - I'm finally facing up to some things that I've ignored for a long time, mainly because they were so overwhelming. Mainly financial stuff related to the divorce. I can't really get into specifics, but I'm really feeling overwhelmed about the financial picture right now. It's not looking good, I still have a major alimony bill every month, and some huge outstanding legal and tax debts that need to be paid off. Even getting the paperwork together was, is, such an emotional experience. Anger, massive anxiety, actually a lot of anger directed towards myself, massive guilt. Didn't work out over the weekend, didn't day trade, didn't really even watch my diet. Was another extremely cold couple of days in Chicago, going out was pretty impractical. I was so down in the dumps, and I had my kids with me. Guilt I can never be fully present, that this pervasive situation spoils all of our good times, guilt that I'm not able to be the cheerful, responsible, upbeat parent I know they need. I'm just a depressed wreck. All I can do is just lay on the couch and contemplate all of my troubles and how they seem insurmountable. ... and then my lovely boy, my beautiful son, will climb on top of my and snuggle and say - 'let's just watch anime this weekend and play games!' Breaks my heart, I can't even describe it. The only positive thing is that - in finally facing these issues - sooner or later they will be gone and then I'll only have to live my life and try to be the best version of myself that I can, rebuild however I can. Maybe my mind will change and I can start to be happy again, and really be there for my kids. Right now I'm just trying to make it day to day with massive problems around every corner.

I’m grateful I took action in the past couple of days in a couple of things I’ve been putting off for a long time. I’m grateful that I called J. to get this over with. I’m grateful that sooner or later I will have taken care of the major anxiety provoking obligations regarding my divorce. == Extremely extremely nervous, anxious, stressed out. I just want to crawl underneath the covers and go to sleep. You know that massively depressed feeling that literally saps all the energy and will to live from you? Like, thinking about the past, regret about the past, relationships, your failures, how huge your problems seem, and the uncertainty of the future. Holy crap. I just don’t want to think about it anymore. Counterpoint: If it is endurable then endure it. Whatever problem or problems you may be facing have their own solutions. These may not be easy solutions, but they exist and are attainable. This is true for the biggest problems. == I just need to get through this horrific time right now, just do whatever I need to do to get through it and make it go away. This is the way I should’ve dealt with the divorce drama that was going on in Spring 2018. Just get through this. Getting to a place where you’re - just living life, dealing with the aftermath, trying to move on and live in the moment and figure out what you have to do to make things right again - that seems like a much better place to be. == My mom. It’s a miracle I survived my childhood. Just spending a few hours at her place, the only reason I go there is because she needs to see her grandchildren. I can’t deal with it, especially right now with all of this BS going on in my personal life. Just listen how she talks. You have to lose weight, you’re going to Harvard. Everything about success and appearances. No love and support, just these unrealistic expectations. I won’t pass that on to my kids. == My problems right now: Losing more weight, whitening of my teeth, dry skin Transferring money to IRA, talking to James, making payment to K. Obtaining copy of 2016 W2, sending both 2016 W2s to K Dealing with whatever fallout there is with our stupid taxes, I don’t even want to think about it right now, everything is just too much. Writing and recording original music. Keep applying myself and doing what I’m doing, hopefully K. will support me and I’ll be able to get a promotion soon. Start taking trades again, keep following the financial news, start scripting that stuff I promised J. I would work on. It would be really really good if I could start making money with this stuff instead of guilt tripping myself over how I’m not working on it as much as I should. The cat does not piss in her letterbox sometimes, or she misses it. Dumb cat. Friends, or rather, lack of friends. A person should not be this alone in the world, it’s unhealthy. At least make it a goal to go out socially and extend yourself on a regular basis. Try to make connections with people, you won’t survive if this doesn’t change.

Grateful my son loves me. Grateful I have a good relationship with K. Grateful to be appreciated - I think - at work. == Really struggling, have had a few bad days where I want to do nothing but go home after work and veg out, watch YT videos, play guitar, work on music, distract myself from doing productive and healthy things for myself - like working out, eating right, finishing this damn script that I told J. I would have ready by this weekend. Increased stressed levels lately due to some new projects at work, also a lot of therapy appointments and kids conferences this week that have been making my schedule more hectic than normal. In pain, a lot of emotional pain. The love a father has for his son, it’s endless. So many feelings of guilt, anxiety, self reproach, it’s almost paralyzing. That’s why I don’t like to think about the divorce and family issues anymore. I get almost paralyzed by it, this feeling of depression can last a long time too and I can’t afford to be in such pain all of the time. Too many people are depending on me. Last night was a waste, just eating junk food, left over pizza, didn’t go to the gym. Worked on music, which was fruitless. Spending time with my best friend, the cat. Missing my kids. Hating myself, hating life, hating the government, hating society. Feeling like nobody cares, and they don’t. Even your family, they may love you but they don’t care, they have their own problems and they don’t understand the depths of your pain. God forbid they should have to go through what I did. Self condemnation. Other men have gone through this, why is it so difficult for me to make it through the same problems in life? Because I was a fragile person and pretty depressed before any of this started. Because I’m introverted and have few friends to talk to about it, none that would understand. If I didn’t have kids there’d be nothing stopping me from offing myself. Then again, if I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t be in so much pain. If I didn’t have kids it wouldn’t seem like I have no way out, or that I have no other option but to figure this out and move on. I can’t put them through the pain of losing a father, but there is another option that is pretty bad. Having them grow up with a father that is depressed and hopeless. How can I figure this out. How can I become a better person. How can I be happy again, how can I be productive, how can I realize my career ambitions and make myself healthy again, how tf do i recover from these huge financial burdens? I doubt this would be easy even if I was in a good frame of mind, right now it seems extremely daunting. == One of the most infuriating things about this whole divorce business, especially with kids. The assumption from legal professionals and counselors and such - I think their teachers are much better about this actually - that as a father you are a second class parent, that you don’t matter. Fuck this, fuck society. The extent of my love for my son, it’s basically endless - which is why everything is so painful.

I was doing these too for a while! I really believe they would work if you are consistent. They are so much work to do so I got lazy, I want to try it again.

I'm grateful I came up with a song that I like this week for my songwriting group, I'm getting better obviously at producing and arranging, also I'm getting faster at creating new songs. I'm grateful I generally was not lazy today, got a lot of stuff done around the house. I'm grateful I'm in contact with J. and we're supposed to meet up today to discuss the project we're working on together. == Here was the past 24 hours. Came home, absolutely dead. Worked on music because that was the only thing I could manage that actually makes me feel good. Oh yeah I worked out yesterday too after being stuck inside due to the subzero weather recently. Feeling slight muscle tightness and soreness. Ate leftover salad, comforted the cat who was in a weird mood for some reason. Meditated, took care of some bank stuff and car stuff. Stayed slightly late at work btw. What else. The song was great, I even liked it enough to send it to my brothers and P. Cleaned the house, it needed it. Still have to do laundry and mail stuff. I have to work on trading the rest of the day, no more music the rest of the day as I already spent too long on it this week. Took out the garbage. Meditated. Taking a break right now, watching trading news videos on Youtube. After I pick up the stuff in N.’s room I’m going to go to the gym and do my #2 workout of deadlifts and shoulders, etc. Then I’m going to come home, eat dinner, and continue to work on trading stuff throughout the night. Thinking about J. He’s always weird about this music stuff. That’s his thing. Thinking about all of the stuff I still have to do. My anxiety is relieved somewhat, but I still have to prepare for when I meet with J. tomorrow, which will take quite some time. Goddamnit, I hate this anxiety. Thinking wtf do I have to do to get rid of it completely. The answer is obvious - pay off the ex wife. I think some of the reason I’ve been putting all of the taxes and retirement crap is it causes me so much anxiety (no shit). It’s on par with maybe my relationship with my dad before he died as the one thing that really causes me to spiral into self defeating thoughts, regret, anxiety, self recrimination, etc. Anger. Yes, anger still at the injustice and the harm that it’s causing my children. The fact that nobody seems to care, as if it’s totally natural. No I’m sorry it’s not. This world is fucked, I’m just one guy and the only thing I can do is work on myself, work hard at my job, try to advance there, try to do things I enjoy and make myself happy while I can, or at least contribute something productive to the world. Try to stretch myself, reach out to people more, it’s the only way, I know I’ve been introverted my whole life but I need to do something different, it’s the only way I’m going to survive and it’s the only way I’m going to transcend this crappy situation. Dreading tax season, bills, retirement BS. Seasonal depression is definitely in the mix right now. On the other hand, sometimes in the midst of all of the stuff I have going on in my life, my personal struggle to lift myself up from this depression, to be active and engage with the world - sometimes I’m able to experience moments of, if not happiness, and not exactly contentment - but of peace. Knowing that I’m doing everything I can do and that’s all I can do so why worry about anything else that I can’t control. Then the feeling goes away. It’s not much, but it’s the best I’ve seen in the past few years. I want to live my life and not waste any more of the time that I’m given. There’s not enough time. I’ve already spent so much time feeling depressed and paralyzed by feelings of hopelessness. Let’s live in the moment, forget the past because it’s gone. A year from now I want to be - if not cut then at least in great shape, look good or at least not embarrassed with my shirt off, I know to get extremely cut like a male model requires a level of diet and exercise, and time, that I’m not sure I can dedicate myself to. Promotion at work, feeling good that at least things are moving forward in my career and I’m at an appropriate place would relieve a huge burden on my mind. On top of all of these financial worries and family issues and existential worries about my relationship with other people and my place in the world and what I’ve accomplished in life - I don’t need career worries. I’ve definitely already put my heart and soul into it for a long time. I believe that. Finances stabilized at least, I’m organized with everything and at least stable even though I highly doubt I’ll be able to make any significant progress on the huge hole in finances all of these legal bills and alimony and all that bullshit have put in my financial picture. Healthy at least, good relationship with the kids, kids continue to grow nicely into great people. Spending more time with the boy. Friends, what about friends. More friends, continuing to at least reach out to people and be social at least once every week or two, see where that gets me, maybe things that happen in this area will surprise me. Dating? Fuck that. I don’t care about that anymore, relationships are bullshit I’m sorry. But at least in a positive frame of mind and open to the world and other people. Making music, expressing myself creatively. A better guitarist and songwriter and producer. At least one EP done, maybe two - the ambient one, how long could that take? Not long honestly since I work on it little by little when I meditate. That’s it, I’m not asking much. But it’s not going to happen if I get sideswiped by life again and I’m flat out on the couch and paralyzed by depression. Back to work.

I’m grateful that I even have enough money to pursue my hobbies and interests, even those like music that can sometimes get extremely expensive. I’m grateful my kids are doing so well in school and are growing up to be such smart responsible students. I’m grateful this is the end of the week and I get a couple of days to regroup, meditate, work on my trading scripts in preparation for my upcoming trading group meeting on Sunday with J. == I don’t know what part of the country you’re from or what the weather’s like by you, but in Chicago the past week we’ve had temperatures of -20 degrees outside, it’s called the ‘polar vortex’. Basically dangerously cold temperatures, school’s been closed due to weather, people at my work have been working from home for the past several days. It basically threw my routine for a loop and I became a bit of a shut in the past week. Growing up here, I expect this to happen from time to time over the winter. Mild seasonal depression, in my case maybe not so mild, but definitely I’m not as depressed as I have been, thank god. Spending time at home, working on music, playing guitar, songwriting, home recording late into the night. Thinking about wtf I’m going to do for my songwriting group this week. Watching youtube videos about amps and mixing techniques, window shopping online for gear. Listening to shoe gaze, indie pop, and doom metal. This is when the kids aren’t with me. Feeling lost, exhausted from the mental exertion of - fighting this feeling of self hatred, constantly having to remind myself that I have an inherent right to respect myself and take care of myself. Trying to make myself happy I guess. Thinking a lot, staying up late, thinking, or trying to distract myself from thinking. Too cold to go outside, run to the gym, even take a walk. Working remotely on projects with a lot of leeway, sort of unstructured, so I have a lot of opportunity to daydream. Not a good thing, I need to be active right now, engaged in doing healthy things for myself. Importantly, making sure I have balance in my life so I don’t end up in a state like I am today. A ton of anxiety and fighting off of self recrimination, guilt and self recrimination underneath everything. Missing my kids when they’re not with me, fighting off feelings of guilt and the urge to condemn myself for not living up to these ideals I set up for myself about the kind of person I should be. I finally made it to work, work is going spectacularly again though. I am definitely grateful for that and for having a supportive manager. Given a lot of leeway to make my own choices on how to run things, and stretch my leadership skills. I’m definitely grateful for this company, they have my loyalty for as long I’m able to give it. Oh yeah, I was up late last night and I put in an order for this really freaking expensive amp, too expensive honestly. 68 Princeton Reverb. Pretty much the best choice I could have made, my dream amp for recording. It can handle playing out too if I need it to. At least that’s done with, I don’t think I ever have to buy another amp again unless I’m somehow playing stadiums or something, which is a huge stretch. More on music later, I already think about it too much. In order for me to have a good day today I have to - finish the day off strong at work, take care of financial and banking stuff, work out, stay a little later at work, make sure to check most of the stuff off my todo list, come home and listen to trading podcasts while I clean the house totally tonight, feed the cat, eat lean tonight, maybe just leftovers from last night, work on trading some more - look over J’s email for next Sunday, maybe start on making improvements to our indicator, practice guitar, work on technique and lessons not fooling around with songwriting and recording tonight. Don’t waste any time tonight, meditate a little right now and put yourself in the right mind to get things done that you have been putting off. Take steps to relieve this anxiety that you feel, don’t just let it go, do something about it.

I’m grateful for the cold weather, kind of slows everything down to the bare essentials and allows you to focus if that makes sense. Maybe the chance to wfh during a snow day too. I’m grateful for creative inspiration regarding musical ideas however fleeting that can be. I’m grateful for business ingenuity and financial markets knowledge of this guy I’m partnering with to create a new trading script.

So what's messed up about Fender Champs is the vintage 70s SF Champs are way overpriced, also the 80s Rivera era Champs are insanely overpriced. I mean they are legendary and all but 1500$ for a 5W practice amp? Holy smokes. Keep in mind vintage Fender Champ typically are in shitty shape - even if they look well maintained usually people need to re-bias them or swap out transformers and tubes. Add another 200+ to the price tag and you are talking possibility of 1500+ for high end Champs. Lower end pre-Rivera Fender champs? Price could go up to about a grand depending on all of the work that needs to be done. Don't get me wrong. Champs are legendary and countless classic records have been recorded with them. But ... keep in mind, the thing everyone's attracted to the Champs for is - ability to record at a 5W volume, capturing the Fender legendary clean tone, and then the ability to turn up the volume a little at a comfortable room volume to get the Champ's natural overdriven tone. At a comfortable room volume. You can't do this with a 22W amp like the Deluxe - you're just not going to be able to crank the Deluxe up enough at room volume to get the sweet spot for natural overdrive. Your neighbors will hate you. This is the case even with the lower wattage - but still pretty damn loud - Princetons. You might as well forget about cranking an amp to record a natural overdrive at home given my current apartment setting, So ... now that we've established that you are paying a premium of up to 2000$ for a vintage 70s amp for the natural breakup tone - is it worth it? Given the fact that: I don't know if I need natural overdriven rock tones on most of the music I'm creating, which I'd like to be cleanish-sort of spacey ambient sounds at least some of the time. Also is it worth 2000$ when you're also going with an expensive set of multiple overdrive pedals and fuzz pedals? It's crazy. Also don't forget that you're buying a 5W amp for 2000$. Just for recording and home practice. Granted - that may be all you'll ever do but - for this kind of huge money, don't you want an amp that can do clean sounds, take pedals well, home recording, low volume home practice - in addition to being able to crank out and play with a band and or play some small club gig? I would think if you're shelling out 1000$-2000$ you want an amp that can do everything. Side note: how hard do you have to crank the Champ to get the sweet spot? and will it drive the neighbors crazy or prevent you from recording through a mic, even at normal room volumes? Basically if you go with a Princeton, Deluxe, or Twin the most you can ask for is clean tones at room volume. So for the price - let's say 700-800-1000+$, however much it's going to cost you - you want an amp that can do everything, you don't want to be a guy who has to keep buying multiple amps that fill up his basement. I mean I only like to have one guitar really. In this case you have to go with a higher wattage amp than a Champ, and also preferably non vintage so I don't have to mess with the headaches of re-biasing tubes, going to amp techs, lugging this crap around everywhere, etc. I'm thinking Princeton or Deluxe right now honestly.

Sooo... here are more thoughts about guitar amps. Purpose is quality tube amp for practice and recording. Nice to have would be an amp that would be tube amp I could also play out with. Prices are cheapest I could get used, although chance I’d have to pay more. Super Champ X2 250-300 Pros: cheap, good reviews, fuse software, line in recording, would do the job recording cd Cons: probably want to upgrade at some point, not able to show off Vintage Champ 450-550 Pros: able to show off, will not want to upgrade, definitely will be great to record Cons: may incur extra service and expenses for upgrades, more expensive up to 250-300 more, in which case why not try to snipe a user DRRI for a little more? Answer to that is well maybe I will never play live and i then would feel stupid having a DRRI at home that I can never play past 4 because it would blow the windows out. In which case why did I buy the DRRI, I’ll never even to to hear the legendary overdriven tone. Vintage champ in great condition for 400-450 would be a good compromise. Princeton RI 15w would be a good compromise but it’s actually more expensive than DRRI.

I’m grateful for cozy day to stay in and play videos games make lunch and watch anime with my kids. I’m grateful my daughter is growing up to be so mature and responsible. I’m grateful I have some time to think today. Honestly I should take advantage of today and use it to get yourself together, diet, meditate, control your emotions, and plan for the week ahead. == Honestly I’m pretty out of balance right now, a lot has to do with the sub zero weather which is making it difficult for me to get out of the house and take a walk or go to the gym, this really is a keystone habit that’s making me feel better physically, giving myself more energy to pursue my other goals, and giving me more confidence. I can trace my life starting to turn in another direction to when I decided to watch my diet closely and go to the gym on a regular basis in mid October. Have not been day trading this week. The best thing I could do today is spend at least two hours on it maybe 2-4 hours. I have been neglecting it. Honestly I’m feeling very frustrated with the slow progress and the feeling that all of the demo trading stuff and scripting is sort of a waste, sort of in the background there’s the thought that it’s a big scam and most people wind up losing money. Surely there are people who do exactly what I’m trying to do - all I need to do is remember that S. Is doing exactly that. He’s very profitable and he now has a very good subscription business with his software. People are doing this, although not many are as smart and persistent as S. I have to remember this, if I want this goal to manifest itself in my life it will take some time. It will not happen if I continue to give up rededicate myself then give up again, it’s like running in place, you never get anywhere. It’s possible. Likewise I’m thinking about giving up meditation. I’ve honestly tried to do it consistently and I feel like it’s not doing anything for me. Certainly there are people I admire that don’t do it. Right now it’s nothing more than a waste of time and frustration for me. And I feel silly doing it honestly. == Thinking about amps and pedals. Should I go basic pedals or boutique. Boutique more expensive, it’s very cool though and I like them. On the one hand I have massive alimony and not a lot of disposable income. I have the one guitar that’s pretty awesome, the rest are pretty budget but quality budget stuff. I should have a quality guitar and amp though. The problem with vintage amps is you don’t know what type of work you’ll have to do on them, and how much extra you’d have to spend. == God I love my son. Spend this day as much as I can with him and telling him I love him.

I’m grateful my cousin let me borrow his Netflix login, actually it’s his brother in laws Netflix login. I’m grateful I joined this anime website, very cool and entertaining anime’s there you can’t find anywhere else dubbed. I’m grateful I have such a beautiful and smart son. == The holidays were hard, they always are I should know that by now. The pain you feel at times is an indication you are still having trouble accepting the way things are and stuck in an image of the way things used to be or some idealized version of how you thought your life would be. If you totally accepted reality for what it is you wouldn’t feel this pain, life would even feel complete and beautiful at this very minute. Even with things left unresolved and or without having fulfilled some personal goals you keep focusing on. Even now with the imperfect state of affairs in your life and your imperfection as a person, somehow things are perfect. Even with Trump in the White House things are perfect. Below zero, next week the high will be -4 degrees. I’ve been incredibly lazy with my workouts this week, at least I do them, but they’re not good. Also I seem to have less self control with my diet, I think it’s a combination of feeling complacent after losing 20 pounds and the weather. I do most of my cardio outside so that’s out of the question. Also below zero temperatures makes it that much harder to motivate myself to leave the house and go to the gym. Remember you’ve made a ton or progress, but you still have 20 more pounds to go. Next week I’m going to have to just do it. Some days I feel this subliminal pull when I try to assert myself, like I’m not supposed to I don’t know, be a leader or be the best. This is all in your head. Remember that you worn very hard and put your whole heart into your work. Whatever status you have in this world you have every right to, and you actually probably give yourself less credit than you deserve. You won’t rise above your current situation if you don’t feel like you deserve to. Stay strong.

I’m grateful things are going so well with the new employees I’m training at work. I’m grateful I have the kids over the weekend, it really lifts my spirits when it’s my weekend, especially after several days of not seeing them. I’m grateful me and J. are going to finish watching Season 3 of MHE tonight. == Ok here’s a new idea for a pedalboard, this one is sort of the spare no expense totally versatile non exclusively shoe gaze board Fender Strat Boss TU-3 Tuner Keeley Compressor Paul Cochrane Timmy Overdrive Xotic BB Preamp Overdrive EQD Spires Fuzz Boss PS-3 Pitch Shifter/Chorus/Delay MXR Phase 90 Phaser EQD Avalanche Run Delay/Reverb EQD Disaster Transport Delay/Reverb Boss PN-3 Tremolo/Pan Boss RC-3 Looper Fender Deluxe Reverb == I’m glad I’m playing music again, I get discouraged because it’s not really there yet where I’m playing at a high level and also able to record stuff well (also never really was able to do those things at the same time). But after more than two years off, I really should be easier on myself and appreciate how much I’ve been able to recover my technique after so much time off. Still frustrating for me to think of how good I used to be back in the day, I’m talking like 2009-2014 years when I was playing a ton. Songwriting, production, playing - it’s amazing when I meet someone who can do all 3 things very well, but I have to remember that’s the result of consistent focus and diligent practice and learning. I’m not too far off, also it’s just a fun creative activity for me. I have to remind myself some of these guys in my songwriting group are more than just hobbyists - they work in professional studios and are in gigging bands and stuff. What is this that I’m collecting? Just ideas, musical ideas that document my emotions as expressed through music, my development as a songwriter and as a producer. How quickly I can bring these things together to produce a recorded piece of music that is an expression of my emotions. Most of these are just exercises, applying things I’ve learned, coming up with a songwriting system and recording process. One day it’ll be second nature and then I’ll have mastered my tools, at that point I’ll be able to produce music that is satisfying to me. I get so obsessed with this stuff but - hey, it’s better than wasting every free minute of your life playing video games or drinking. At least it will result in something that is a fulfillment of a long held personal goal, allow me to express myself creatively, possibly meet new people with similar interests. I have to go to work every day as a software architect, that gets tedious and boring itself, and I often wish I was at home working on music. Don’t forget there are full time musicians out there waking up at noon in their studio apartments wishing they had successful careers making good money. There are two sides to everything. There is not so much of a rush with this stuff, it’s a creative outlet, it’s a fun hobby. As long as you’re progressing everything’s fine. == I don’t want to get back together with my ex wife - hell no. But sometimes I wonder if I should be putting more effort into dating. I have no problem with putting more effort into meeting new people and trying to develop some type of social circle, but this idea of dating again, I’m probably weird for saying this, but what’s the point. It just seems like a distraction to me now, and I should be focusing on my career and money, and getting in shape again, and music, stuff like that. I just don’t feel like women offer anything other than more aggravation and frustration, insecurity, too much of a focus on sex and status and superficiality, at a time when I should be focusing on getting myself healthy. Really I feel like the main things they have to offer is social proof and beauty - which is no small thing I admit. What they offer in sex and companionship is negated by what is required of me in terms of money, legal jeopardy, wasted time, and aggravation. Think more on this later.

I’m grateful I’m going to make this a productive day. I’m grateful I really put in some solid work this weekend. I’m grateful I lost another 5 pounds when I weighed myself yesterday.

Exercise in reframing of negative thoughts, whenever you start to go into a dark place mentally, stop. Think about a positive way you can talk to yourself about the situation. Examples of this: I don’t have time to do everything I want to do. Other people have done more with the same amount of hours in a day, you have stopped gaming, which was a great decision - basically you have enough time to do everything you want, you just have to make good use of it and not get caught up in depression, lose momentum, giving up. Also - you can achieve any goal with less time daily than you think you do. For instance, day trading or playing guitar - 10 hours a week, on a daily basis that’s not all day, it’s an hour or two commitment - which is significant but its doable. Something is wrong with me, I am not advancing at the rate I want to in my career and I am seeing people advance when I am not. First of all you can’t compare yourself to other people, you don’t know their situation really. And in your life you’ve definitely had some bad luck that has gotten in the way of your career advancement at times - operations, the whole situation with the divorce, a late start in your masters degree. Be kind to yourself, go easy. You are actually in a very good strategic place in terms of your current job, your conversation with K. last week should highlight to you that you’re not the best judge of this and tend to see things negatively when you are frustrated. You are actually probably farther along than you give yourself credit for - and in the larger scale of things you’ve actually done great things in your career and are ahead of the majority of people. Take things at your own speed - the end result is the important thing. It’s a race against yourself, no-one else. == Guitar practice - start slow - if you can do it 4 times in a row you can increment the speed == Big goal: Promotion within a year Status: Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re doing well in this area - the important thing is to maintain your physical health for energy and mental health for positivity and motivation Smaller goals: Be positive cheerful good teammate Think how to enable and mentor other people Contribute architecture to at least key three technical areas in the next several months Constant learning in your spare time scala and Kubernetes Big goal: Day Trading - profitable within a year on live account, significant work made towards trading robots business Status: This is still nebulous in terms of how I’m going to get there. This is a very important goal and easily as important as my physical or musical goals, not quite as important as getting a promotion at my current job but close. Important thing is to put in time each week, keep thinking about strategies on how to improve, meet new people, as time goes on a way will present itself to you. Smaller goals: 10 hours a week on this at least Check charts and news every day Keep demoing Go live by summer time - which means at least 3 month profitable trading Keep meeting people and working on day trading programming for other people Get portfolio together Keep reading books and reading forums Big goal: Get in shape - lose 40 pounds or so, develop muscle tone Status: Lost 20 pounds so far, but I was so out of shape that I’m still about 20 pounds overweight, even more than that really. On top of that my cardio workouts have been lacking due to cold weather. I already feel way better and starting to look better to other people. Smaller goals: Keep working out 5 days a week, cardio and strength Increase cardio and strength gradually Keep eating salad every day, low carb and low sugar The overall goal is to get back to my marathon weight, about 20 pounds. But when you get to that weight think about - this time I don’t want to have bad muscle tone, I actually want to have good muscle development. Focus on diet and strength training this time instead of just loads of cardio like when you were running marathons. You won’t be running so much this time, which is good - but you won’t be burning a ton of calories on your long runs either. Music - think about this later

Fender Strat Boss TU-3 Tuner MXR Dyna Comp Compressor Digitech Digiverb Reverb Boss OD-3 Overdrive Proco Rat 2 Distortion Boss PS-3 Pitch Shifter/Chorus/Delay MXR Phase 90 Phaser EHX Memory Man w Hazarai Delay/Looper Boss DD-7 Delay Boss RV-6 Reverb Fender Super Champ >>> Fender Deluxe Reverb