Etherial Cat

Awesome work, plenty of good things there. Though, isn't neediness used as a corrupt version of a healthy need in a lot of spiritual circles? In one case one is bereft and want to take, in the other one receive and it is gifted. The attitude makes the difference.

Yep! Basically, these are all factors enhancing or diminishing your survival abilities. We stack unconsciously social capital for our offsprings and ourself.

Beside... Women love above anything authenticity and intimacy as was said. Anytime you camouflage an important part of your subjectivity, the intimacy is diminshed. Don't we wish to be loved and love back people for who they are, and not the image they've got of us / we've got of them?

Exactly! Men are severely punished for showing vulnerability. It creates a very thick wound and a fear of retraumatization. I can imagine that it hurts very badly when it comes from a woman you want to be accepted from. It's like acid thrown at a wound you just thought might be healed and expose again for the first time. The paradox is that showing vulnerability and trust again is a form of courage and strenghts.

Why frame it as a technique? It is just real. You basically don't need to fake or control it, you just naturally are that. Why this masquerade? You're masculine enough, strong enough that you can cry whenever you happen to be vulnerable. You can give yourself some slack, you've got margin before appearing like a wimp . Show me a female who knows you reasonably and think that crying in sadness and misery once or twice will make you lame?

I'm highlighting the facts, so you can see them. You see, you provide us with plenty of elements about your inner experience she didn't have. We get that you are fine, thanks to our ability to recontextualize what happened from your point of view. Now from her POV, you basically had sex, disappeared right after and only resurfaced a few days later. She only got these elements and it left her plenty of time for negative sense-making and feel bad. I don't think I would like it much either if I had sex with a stranger and he wouldn't give me clear signs of caring a bit after. It would make me feel like a "cheap whore" like Leo like to say. "A few days" appears like a bit too long, if some basic reassurance haven't been made ahead. Also, what is exactly a few days? 3-4 days?

It's not a deeply held biological conviction/impulse problem. It is a conditioning problem. She has not been able to sort out the unhealthy expression from the healthy expression because she imprinted on the first one through her environment. And that is what caused the aversion. She is still going to get what she wants from a biological memory standpoint. Look at what Lyubov has written. He's protective, grounded and definitely show very healthy masculine traits. I'm speculating from Lyubov's name that they might be living in Russia. There is a lot of stage Red shadow going on there due to fact Russia is Red/Blue/Orange. Might be a reason why. A man showing emotions there might be highly disturbing and recorded as a good way to get culled.

@Raptorsin7 I think we are programmed through several evolutionary software which makes us wary of unhealthy expressions in another human. And this is what appears to us as highly unattractive. A morbidly obese lady doesn't make you want to put a baby in her belly, because she appears as a below average survival material. Whether it's genetic or due to her conditioning through an ED, you smell something abnormal is going on. Same for the very short man who doesn't look like premium reproducing material either due to his genetic. But I've found that you can rationalize (or "consciousenalize") the need for such things when enough subjective value is created by someone elsewhere to compensate. It's even more true when the issue they have is actually a distant evolutionary memory aversion which doesn't cause so much problem in nowadays society. So what appeared to you as very unattractive at a first glance wane as the subjective value appears somewhere else. I know an obese woman who recently got married. She's got plenty of qualities and her husband loves her. I don't think he was into curvy girls and it took time for him to make up his mind and his coming out as her official boyfriend. Now they are planning for a child. On the other spectrum, I have no problem with very good looking people. But a lot of them are dancing over the surface of things which anilhate our compatibility. Now... I'm quite lucky because I have become rather much generous than I used to be with people. I'm able to find beauty in other things in life than a physic so it makes it less important overall, I suppose. It gives a bit the same sensation as being drunk in a club. Except that the alcohol is what I really like in them. Other than that... I also notice that I am much more open to diverse physics since I integrated better my stage Green.

But you can't shelter her from this delusion. At some moment, reality will catch up. Acting realistically, in a non-infantalizing way is the best card you can pull. I'd still shift my focus in this direction regardless. Why put energy and time into a masquerade? The issue is structural. You'll always bump into the same limitations until you deal with different people. Thank you.

Her reaction was malajusted. She has been acting out of trauma. She said it and pretty much everyone in here agree. So why are there so many here advising others to adapt themselves to problematic behaviors? One should either work around it, or find another partner. I'd suggest these people to reconsider doing this in their own life and certainly not encourage others in this direction. Find more compatible romantic interests instead of resorting to inauthentic schemes to make an objective limitation work. You are pushing water uphill. No mature woman except a man to be an übermensch. Leave this to Nietzsche. As a human vulnerability is part of your nature.

@Leo Gura He will anyway bounce back in his predominant energy. Crying doesn't mean he needs to immediately retaliate and get into a reactive mode to prove he is a strong dude. Doing this would look quite insecure to me, to be honest. There are plenty of occasion for a man to show up in his masculine energy and make you feel feminine. I'd say that actually, you will be very happy as a woman if you can give him some space for beauty every now and then.

Well, wise words back at you . It seems like you guys have turned this situation into mutual growth and she's been receptive to what you had to say. It's awesome! Knowing how to deal with a perspectival barrier (which are meant to happen) and manage to bridge back both POV together is very important. Seems like you guys have the both the skills to do that.

@Lyubov I'm sorry you had to go through this. Sometimes, a partner doesn't have an appropriate reaction and reveals an incompatibility in values. Women can certainly imprint into a distorted image of what "a man should be" based on on their upringing/cultural context. Then, they expect from men a specific behavior and get offended at what is actually a healthy behavior. She has obviously awaken a wound. Knowing how much men are told to repress their emotions, I would feel the same sense of betrayal. It's a retraumatisation. What I would suggest is to pay attention next time you start dating at whether or not this person encourages positive behaviors towards men and feel empathy towards your experience. You certainly don't want to enter the phony attitude where you start hiding your subjective reality to your partner. If you go that route, you'll have to put a facade and entertain a low quality connection.

It's seems to be a war at play into the human psyche. As we say, as above, so below. As within, so without. It will keep going for a while until a critical mass has integrated both its masculine and feminine side. In psychology, it is well known that someone's problematic relationship with a parent will rule its life if not healed. And while people think it only influences your relationship with woman/men, it actually shapes your relationship with the archetypical masculine/feminine in everyday life. Though, I have to add that family is not the only source that shapes your conception of the feminine/masculine. Society as a whole will add up and create an image which will define your relationship to it. We project outward the relationship we have with our conception of what femininity/masculinity should be. And when it is not conform to our expectations, it creates a clash. The ego tries to turn reality in its own overlay. There seems to be really a lot of distortion. Now, I'll say one thing. The archetypical masculine is the common language. Society values its perspective and values much more than the feminine one. There are thus much more negative bias and distortion to the female perspective and value than the other way around. That say, a lot of women have blind spot too towards the male experience. The solution to all this problems thus is reintegration. If you don't understand the other gender's POV, it means you are disconnected from the essential part of yourself capable of the polar opposite archetypical behavior.

@Roy Thank you for writing this. A malicious subconscious attitude in relationship creates negative karma. When you manipulate someone with selfish motives, you assert a form of violence on them because you are biasing their choice. It's as simple as that. If you manipulate someone, at the end of the day you are trying to game them. And that supposes that you don't have respect for their autonomy and free will. You treat the other as someone you can gain power on and exert it. And you are brushing off severe factors of potential incompatibility which are already present and might deploy later on, resulting in potential harm for yourself and the person who got manipulated. Add then the layers of self-deception you're going to tell yourself to justify your devilry, and tada! A very costly mistake. Good luck basing a loving relationship on that. Because you've been acting exactly on the opposite direction. For the little story: in contract law (civil law tradition) there are 3 elements which can make a contrat totally void based on a violation of consent. 1) The error 2) violence and 3) willful misrepresentation. Manipulation is exactly this: a willful misrepresentation of reality in order to trick someone who wouldn't consent into a deal they wouldn't make if they knew the truth behind. So I totally agree with Roy, consent issues start with how one overlooks it in rather minor situation like that. And what people hate about pick up is exactly this factor. Healthy relationships should be based on detachment of outcome and based people's authentic choice without unsustainable artifices.

@aurum Great advice. You are totally spot on the cause and effect chain .

@Human Mint + <3

That sounds very though, Andrew. It would get a lot of people depressed. I think you might be caught into a loop of negative emotions feeding negative thoughts. You should (really!) reach out to a a therapist to help you sustain new perspectives and try to meet friends. Also, are you into meditation? Your life is far from being pointless. Your perspective on things is very grim at the moment due to some rough time. And why wouldn't you start a journal in the journal section to write about why you see as failure? I think you would benefit from this type of emotional release. No one will judge you. There are plenty of kind people who might even help you or give you some advice if you request to. No you don't. There is no reason to forget about women It's just that due to the state you are in, you'd be probably better off focusing on yourself for now. You'll be totally able to get some women after. No issues. It's just prioritization.

It seems like you need to build again some self-esteem and self-love and work on your relationship with yourself . I am also reading a lot of powerlessness there. I'd suggest you'd start working on on all these 3 points. I'm also suffering of a lot of powerlessness, so I understand how difficult this is, but that's exactly what you want to look into. For that, it's only you and yourself. No need to confront yourself to women. What are you doing with most of your time, then? Do you have any hobbies? Or is it mainly work?

@Andrew John Why such hopelessness ? Why are you giving up? What makes you believe you can't get a woman? What's been your social life like?

Is my question really this shallow? I mean, freedom of speech and freedom of religion (as an enforced social construct) isn't sheltering you from politics. Especially when those supposed to grant you this protection (let's say the government via its administration) suddenly see you as a threat. Martin Luther King was harassed by the people supposed to grant him these rights. Osho is rumored to have been poisoned by the Reagan administration. Truth is a devil's biggest threat.

The window to talk or ask her on another date was before you guys said goodbye. Now you'll show confusion and inconsistency.

It seems like in IT circles, there is a lot of suspicion for most services to have a backdoor. I would guess most mainstream services do have one and cooperate with secret services whenever it is necessary. If it's not automated. I'd assume some more niche one's don't have them, though. Telegram also pretend they have no backdoor. Threema too. I think. But i've always been wondering, what prevents phone companies to access remotely your phone and search for what they want anyway? And what about the servers? The datas going through cables? You've got definitely a bit of fame. Aren't you afraid to be politically targeted and monitored for your teachings?

Yes, definitely. But seems like she isn't up to have that discussion and came up with some cover up story. Perhaps it still possible without being awkward to ask her what's been up for real. But I'm not sure she'll be 1) honest about it 2) change her mind afterward. I personally absolutely hate when someone flakes on me and stop investing. They basically put you on your backfoot waiting for them to make up your mind and keep your emotions hostage. It's not to take lightly.

Relationships (whatever they are) are subject to disconnection from the other part. This can happen anytime, regardless of your own quality due to the fact that the other has the choice to leave it. From your narration, you seem to have been very high value. And she was obviously charmed. Now her context seems to have change. Maybe she recontextualized stuff. What I would do is to keep it gracious despite the hurt (and maybe keep on the back of my head she came up with a cheap explanation) and proceed like you're moving on. And actually move on, because you don't have the choice anyway. The closer you can keep to the pattern "What would someone who loves himself and still respect her choice would do?" the better you'll be. By noticing she might lose a great guy, she might come back and be pushed to mend the relationship and give you an explanation on why she disconnected. Then you'll see if you want her back or just keep on looking for another girl. One who is actually available for what you are looking for.