Pouya

Reasons just don't work here. This is just far beyond any reason. I don't see any reason to survive nor to be. I just look over my body and see this ultra complex machine, but it has no reason to be it. I let myself lose my mind and just screw around to see what this thing is. Just, why is my body existing? Why does it look like I experience through this body? The reason just takes a turn and becomes itself. In other words, the reason to survive is just survive. The reason to be is just to be. I've never been suicidal in my life but these bother me a lot. It just stops my mind and locks me up on this circle of being. Then I just tell myself, "you know what, forget this bullshit. Who cares? Just do what you like and enjoy it."

@Inliytened1 @Serotoninluv Thw funny thing is, the more present I become, the more everything look so alien and surreal. How can verbal answers even capture these! It's just my mind wanting verbal answers which it can't really get. But what happens when a hammer hits my face and crushes my skull? Why is there something being thretened? What is being lost?

6 months ago, I sat down and tried to find every little thing I hated, about my body, my mind, my personality and my idenitity. I wrote down a page full of hatred and I just left it. Yesterday I found the notebook and read it. I was shocked by how I was thinking about myself. I haven't really changed much since then (so the changes aren't there to make me feel better about myself) but for some reason, I have become the exact opposite of how I was. Everything I hated then, I love it now. It just doesn't make any sense. So I contemplated about "Why I love the things I hated? Why people self hate instead of self love?" I realized that self love is so much harder. It's like the whole human psyche favors self hate more that self love. The reason is: Self hate puts oneself in a position of being a victim, being someone that life wasn't fair to. It gives the person a reason to not act, not change, stay stable (Homeostasis at work ) and always blame other things and people for their hate. (Ego is safe here.) The twisted thing was; I actually liked being a victim, being depressed and hating myself. I just wasn't mindful enough to see this. Like, inside, unconsciously, I craved being hated so I could have people telling me "No don't think like that" or "No you're very good please stop hating yourself." It actually felt great inside, but I wasn't aware. Maybe the thing happened here was because of Love realizations and realizing everything is absolutely fair and perfect. Maybe it was something else. Do you have this twisted desire for being hated? Are you aware of it?

Basically this is how people go post rational, post skeptisism, post morality. Skeptisism/Rationality is really powerful for killing falsehood. Like cutting beliefs with a sword. But bending it to cut it with itself with break it. The end of skeptisism is being skeptic of skeptisism. That's how you get free from it.

@ivankiss I can say nothing but THANK YOU.

@TheAvatarState Holy shit I just loved this quote, thank you. Actually this is more true. What is rationalization? Or Skeptisism? Just ideas and concepts. They weren't even actual Is this from the spoon quote from the matrix?

@PlayOnWords Being is prior to reason and knowledge, so there was God, then there was relative reason and knowledge of humans. A relative thing cannot capture absolute infinity. Like number 1 to 10 cannot capture everything on the spectrum. Btw don't underestimate what ABSOLUTE UNLIMITEDNESS means

@Aeris There is a even more accurate metaphor for this, a dream. It not like there is a written determined future, but there is no will and free choice. Only God has absolute freedom because it is unlimited. A movie has a fixed story but a infinite dream is unlimited.

It's a game. Just for fun. Survival has no significance and no importance. God just wants to play with infinite possibilities.

What is it like to be a human living in a specific condition? What is it like to be a flying bug in the forest? What is it like to die trying to run away from a chasing lion? God is so infinite it has to have all possibilities within it

Do I have a mental problem? Over the years, my self talk got more severe and intense. If someone hears me self-talk, which I do it out-loud like talking to someone, they can easily assume I'm talking to a distinct person. Today I talked with myself loudly so much I suddenly became aware about something, I have 2 very different egos, with distinct personalities, almost like 2 different people. One is the guy who talks a lot and he's an extrovert, and the other is a receptive listener and is an introvert guy. I experience the introvert guy in first person and the extrovert guy in second/third person. I talk to the mirror. The first person introvert talks in thoughts and asks questions, contemplates, is a skeptic and thinks logically and rationally in lineal fashion. He is a serious guy. The second/third person extrovert talks with sounds and answers question, suggests solutions, is charismatic and very friendly and has a good sense of humor. I feel like I am the extrovert when I'm with my friends and the introvert is in the background, and when I'm alone somewhere, they get divided and the extrovert goes outside and talks with the introvert. I feel very delusional and this process of these two guys communicating with each other is soooooooooo oddly satisfying that it can go on for hours and hours and hours, even days if possible, until they get interrupted by someone and I go back to being extrovert. If you can't understand, imagine you could beat yourself in chess. There was a You1 and You2 that thought differently and were 2 different people as you. I have this condition for at least 6 7 years. I also played alone with toys and stuff for hours as a kid.

@Commodent yeah it's like switching masks or characters in a video game. Who is switching the roles? Who is always there even without these egos?

@seeking_brilliance I heard about it. I guess my tulpa is a alternative Pouya talking to Pouya. @pluto Time to recruit more people for the gang

@Waken I'm good at communicating and talking to a group of people without a problem. Maybe this cause me to be more fluent. Like I'm actually practicing talking with someone. The only negative sides I see are I can waste hours just by me being alone somewhere, and people usually don't find it normal when they catch me doing it. I think I developed what I can Outside-Thinking. My monkey mind presents itself with talking not internal diologue. I guess almost everyone has continious internal diologue and mine tends to turn into talking between two characters.

@iGhost I love Peter Ralston His main point here was stop chasing experiences. Just go directly for Truth and Wisdom of Truth. But why does he talk about "as a perosn" ? @Leo Gura Does Peter Ralston know about facets of God and has he tried any pcychedelics? Or is he more triditional nondual teacher?

@kag101 nope, haven't tried any psychedelics or drugs.

@Synchronicity They helped me communicate with many types of people. But this comes out awkward or weird to people when they see it happen. @ttom Yeah, they seems like no body is putting on masks to communicate. @Mikael89 I don't think that's a lack, that's just how you identify with and how it affects the behaviors.

Like Imagine you had a close friend who knew literally everything about you. It feels like that. I love it.

@Leo Gura Why do people have micro fears? Why people fear about what others think of their apperience and behaivor? Why people fear failure? Why people fear Truth? Why would someone fear discovering Truths by himself/herself? Why people fear being lonely? Why people fear lack of validation and approval? Why people fear being fearless? (I'm really scared of being absolutely fearless, because I think it will make me hurt myself/others and be disfunctional) Why do people fear accepting who they are? Why people always want to change because they fear staying what they are right now? Why fear lessens when one becomes aware of it? Is fear emotional or thought based? Or both, emotion fueled thoughts? How people fear change when they also fear being who they are? How facing fear gradually solves the fear problem? Is fear based on belief? Can you not believe somthing and fear it? Why dettaching is scary? Is anxiety a form of fear? Why I don't fear when I am only being? How to form a practice to learn surrendering and to learn Love? (Love seems to cure fear, as they seem opposites) How devine Love can be scary? How can people fear that? How to be productive and have motivation without fear? How to cultivate discipline without fear-bullshitting myself? How to have goals which doesn't rely of fearing the concequences of not achiving it? Why being responsable brings more fears and how to be responsable without it?

Thats exactly what I thought @Monkey-man Look man, I got your point. You might get suspended for using all caps and spamming, so take care. There is no religion recruiting here.

I see practices about devine Love and Acceptence in Sufism. Pure Surrendering to what is. Directly experiencing Allah/God personally and becoming one with it. And I see topics of "Die before You die" and Lucid dreaming/dream work in it as well. And the recurring themes of "We came from the devine source and when we die we go back there" and "Humans' deep love for God" specially in Rumi's famous poem "Listen to the Flute". The thing is the practices and Rumi's wisdom could be very helpful on this path, but there is a emphasis on reading and learning Quran. I don't think that's nessecary. Like half of Qoran is stories about the prophets and stuff that could be taken as metaphors for their deeper meaning. And the other half talks about the classic afterlife and how to live human life as rules and stuff. Only some verses discribe God like "Towhid: Oneness". Allah hasn't been born and doesn't have a child. It has no needs and it's absolutely free. And there is only one God, not many. What do you think about Sufism? I think It is the mystic side of islam and many muslims might not like to follow it.

@shahryar Rumi and Sufism is just realizing Truth with Love. Very Lovely pieces of art. تا نگردی آشنا زیر پرده رمزی نشنوی گوش نامحرم نباشد جای پیغام سروش -Hafez

@Monkey-man wow man, i have no words for these.

@Aakash I mentioned above, the books are simplistic at times. Not nessecary. I'll go for what nondual practices they have.

@Aakash That thing alone is so powerful no one needs to go through religions Awareness of Awareness is really intense and enlightening. I'll contact when I need help, thank you