Deziree

This is the exact problem with academic institutions. Just more theory but not coordinated or integrated with real life experience, nothing to consider as a base. Logically speaking, all kinds of permutations and combinations are possible. Clarity wise this only enhances your analytical skills but doesn't help with outcome based contemplation. True. This is probably the most successful formula for sharpening intuition. You keep building it over and over, being more objective than subjective. Your pattern recognition ability just keeps improving. Abstract models help temporarily especially when a new piece of information arrives in the fold. But as you continuously perceive and process information your reptilian brain will automatically focus more on pattern recognition, this is also a survival mechanism. Yes the reptilian brain operates this way and that's why people who are disconnected from mainstream academics seem to thrive better on intuition and common sense. We live in a relative world. Abstract theories apply better to abstract models of living or something less relative and neutral. Integration only comes from direct observation, and perception. I would consider it to be more realistic than spiritual. Spiritual understanding leads to integration of meta thinking and both subjective and objective experiences which is hard to do because the human brain always looks for context.

Yea I mean it also reduces distractions. Keeps you more grounded and focused on what you really desire and want. Better connection to your inner self and consequently your higher self. Not to mention less dopamine.

So this was one of the life problems I had been facing. And I can't say I was able to handle it fully or successfully. But I have achieved some bandwidth in this direction. I notice that I make very slow progress. It's dampening. But knowing that you are healing everyday is better.

This ^... Yellow is most triggered by group-think than anything else. Just knowing that most biases actually stem directly from group-think. So yellow is more triggered by the root rather than the outcome.

12th. "how to respond to so and so" different people" Yea you have to respond to different people differently. That's just how things work. Do not react. Do not jump. Control that impulse. Just respond calmly and sharply.

11th. will be "don't move or rattle your peaceful energy, keep it strong and focused, don't let it be disrupted by outside forces".. Once you're peaceful, stay that way. Don't move it. Things will try to rattle it. With negativity of course. But you have to instantly cling on to it, hold on it and not let it be disrupted by anyone with their volatile hostile energy. You can detect that monstrous unpeaceful energy right away.

10th. seek peace in your energy in whatever manner possible. This is important. Seek peace within yourself. This is not about resolving inner conflict. But it's about seeking peace within yourself. If you're peaceful yourself, you will see a flow, a balance in your life. A general feeling of goodness. Just be an embodiment of peace yourself. Seek your higher self. How to do this? Clean your own energy. Meditate. Relax. Relax yourself. Monitor your own state of mind. Listen to calm music. How do you feel inside? Grow that energy in you as you would grow a plant within you. How can you be peaceful yourself? Give yourself that boost. Empower. Remain calm. Remain savvy. The moment you wake up in the morning. It should be a routine to always be peace seeking. Truth only comes after peace. Be a peace seeking peace loving person. If you feel angry or aggressive, just relax and forget it and let go. Let peace be your identity. You have to seek that peaceful energy yourself. See how it affects your time everyday. It will make a huge difference.

9th Decode body language early on. This is an important exercise. It's important to understand what's coming to you. Don't miss red flags at all. Even the slightest should not be ignored.

8th is "mostly keep to yourself." Mostly keep to yourself. Just do not indulge in people that do not share the same interests. You will seek more peace that way by simply disconnecting with something that you do not find yourself blending with.

7th is find alternative means of communication. Alternative means of communication can be books, TV, animals, YouTube, your school friends that you trust, family members, soft toys, writing, journaling, reading newspapers, sitting in a cafe watching people, being in nature, keeping yourself busy, cutting out toxic people from your close circle. Also talking to your therapist helps. Doctors etc..

6th. "feel deeply appreciated yourself first and foremost" how does that feel? Just knowing that you are actually appreciated. A new beginning eh? These are self esteem uplifting patterns. Engage in something every morning that makes you feel upbeat, appreciated, uplift yourself on the regular. Positive affirmations. Whatever that works. Six pillars of self esteem. Read that. Do you appreciate yourself enough? Do you desire to feel appreciated? Would you be bored of it at some point? Maybe it's a validation seeking pattern or process. But it's still good in the meantime, not long term as it can turn into an addiction. But short term self esteem boosts are a requirement for those who struggle with self esteem really badly.

5th. "move into more lively stuff, meet doctors, meet people who care"... When new doors open, new things are pleasant to your eyes, like a road trip, something that gets your energy moving into a positive energy, seeing animals perhaps, seeing beautiful imagery, just imagining a beautiful lively living, how is that for a change instead of just festering and fretting around the negative circle that keeps gnawing at you. Meeting doctors and meeting people who deeply care brings a completely different shift in perspective versus dealing with complete strangers and mostly predatory people around. I'll call them "insensitive stock. A lot of them.

4th. attain closure through commenting and rumination, perhaps negative rumination. This helps a bit. Because you feel like punching a pillow. You feel that thrust of anger. That foaming at the mouth. You wanna get back at someone who was unfair to you but you don't know how. Active negative rumination. That's the key. Throw punches in the air. Throw imaginary punches. Find fodder to punch at. Develop sarcastic humor. Disect and criticize as much as you can. Call out. Take shots at. Insert dark humor. Find something to punch at. Think like you're criticizing a politician. Be systematic. Slowly degrade step by step. Although this is not a very spiritual thing to do, it's something you should do to shut that negative noise. Sometimes this also takes the form of barfing. Degrade illogically, even if it appears like you got no clue what you're talking about. Still do it. Because you're dealing with an opponent. Not an enemy. Enemy might be a strong word. You're dealing with an opponent.

Sometimes you can feel the difference between socio-emotional states. The kind of feeling that people around you give you. But you need to develop a thick skin. You cannot be internalizing all the shit that people throw at you all the time. There's body language, there's tone, there's behaviour, all that counts.. Do you understand how humans interact, and there's a pattern to it. These patterns are deeply woven into the human fabric. It will take years to decode social mannerisms and understand the true motivation and intent beneath. You know what's good. Just losing it all behind and forever moving on from that gutter into better more lively stuff. It's just mistreatment. Discrimination. Unfairness. All of the above and there's a thread of disparity that runs beneath it. I want to be better at decoding body language. I have recently discovered several patterns that I need to incorporate moving forward now, one is "read your own book"... Second is "develop thick skin"..... "attain closure through commenting and rumination, perhaps negative rumination "..... Third is "move into more lively stuff, meet doctors, meet people who care"... Fourth is "feel deeply appreciated yourself first and foremost" how does that feel? Just knowing that you are actually appreciated. A new beginning eh? These are self esteem uplifting patterns. Fifth is find alternative means of communication. Sixth is "mostly keep to yourself." Seventh is "decode body language early on".... Seventh is "seek peace in your energy in whatever manner possible." 8th will be "don't move or rattle your peaceful energy, keep it strong and focused, don't let it be disrupted by outside forces"... 9th will be "how to respond to so and so" different people need different responses. It's easy to get emotional when you see people around you saying different things at you,to you, rather than with you. You have to be able to carefully differentiate that. Make preparatory sentences on how to respond rather than react. Reacting is like a fist fight, punches thrown, it's easy and it's the most impulsive thing to do. But responding is sort of getting closure and clapbacking and off loading at the same time. So have the patience to respond with as much as sarcasm as possible, be careful not to gaslight though, you don't want to be a devil here or a smart marketer, you just want to put up a brave defensive front with grace of course. So here's the run down 1st. Read your own book. Float in your own energy. Because this feels more comfortable. Remember interaction is exchange of energy and not meant for the sensitive heart. 2nd. Develop thick skin 3rd. Resolve internal conflict. There might be a desire to avoid internal conflict and seek it elsewhere. Might be a disturbing thing to dive into. But when the internal system is a bit conflicted, confused, unstable or just plain internally weak, this internal weakness is very easy to pry into, it's very easy to rattle this core energy because there's no firmness to it. This energy becomes very "predatory attractive" or very volatile, fertile and very luring to predatory energies. It's vulnerable, soft like butter for a hot knife to cut through it. So it's easy to just feel like you're falling apart with the slightest of negativity. It's already hard to deal with negative predatory energies in and of itself and if you are even mildly sensitive, it gets much harder to get past that. So yes resolve your core internal energy, internal conflict, don't be soft like butter. Also the desire to avoid internal conflict diminishes as you begin to feel more peace with yourself. You will distract yourself from inner conflict because it's hard to handle it. You will also distract yourself from inner conflict if it's too conflicting or too strong or too stubborn like a tsunami floating inside. It's like a wound. If the wound gets worse and worse, and if you cannot cure it, you just abandon it. That's a human tendency. We do the same thing with emotional wounds.

Came back from the hospital. Everything is fine fir now. Thinking of the man living in my apartment who is my fruend now. He has an air of superiority about him. Almost everything he looks down upon. You might wonder why. They are born that way. Just a shallow cheap way of looking at life. He will pit one woman against another, classic game playing eh! His surplus energy keeps moving. Dive tailing. Presumably his ego. His ego just cannot be satisfied. It's just whimsical at best. Kena must be living holed up in his apartment, utterly miserable, always wishing everyone just worshipped him. But never getting enough. He never likes anyone at all. He assumes humanity is very shallow, just nothing to appreciate there. He loves playing with computers. Smart guy. I wish I had half if his brain. He never looks like a psychopath but acts like one.. I just have to comb through his thoughts. If I get too close to him, I might suffer a burn, not good for me psychologically speaking. He has the uncanny ability of gaslighting in his mannerisms.

funny.

Took my family member for a scan and regular check to a hospital right now. Just waiting anxiously. I just want holistics from now on.

Aye, Leo is more like the Russell Brand of spirituality.

So holistic.

I feel like eating meatballs.

Do certain people make me feel unwanted? A definite yes, including my own family. I will have to look up some YouTube videos on how to deal with passive aggression. A kind of aggression that's not acutely visible on top. But you still kinda feel it underneath, like a current flowing, like subdued gestures, you just know it, it's not that warm, for someone dealing with trauma, this can feel barren and escalating, they can react strongly. It can be off putting. You just need your own closure, what happens when people laugh at your evpense, or when you get dogged around for nothing. Or worse when you don't feel accepted.

I took some antibiotics today. Been feeling off and fighting an infection.

Today my ironing guy passed away. He is missed.

You shouldn't have to be this way. You don't need to be that way. You have to be your authentic self. I know negativity is just so hard to beat. Sometimes you just feel like you are on your own, right? Yea it does. Genuine people just don't act that way. Family members just act weird around me. And I have to forcefully keep a smile on. Which, obviously, I do not like. Because, maybe maybe, I'm not the most awkward person, yet, I get pissed off too little too fast. Just calm. Think of all the good things that are worth appreciating. Not the bad stuff. In your mind rejection has to be strong, stronger than anything. It's just that certain kinds of people make me sick.

Do you think you are radical enough?