electroBeam

You're not looking at the map, the map is looking at you

You're right there, I don't. Sorry that you do What a silly quote. You're who you are all the time, even when you have an ego, and you're deluded. Obviously. Not just in deep sleep. Peace to you too though!

That's all fine and dandy, whats interesting personally to me though is why you place more importance on groundlessness then on groundedness. I don't disagree with you, that's all obviously happening. Its typical no self realization or mu as the zens call it, yet what's interesting to me is why you stop there and you don't go and discover insights in the constructs and creations itself. From my POV, I don't see that groundlessness as being superior to the constructs. I don't see nothingness or radical emptiness as being superior to everythingness or constructs. Both the constructs and emptiness are one thing. They aren't a duality. The map isn't the territory, but the map is also the territory at the same time. Emptiness is just 1 flavor. Yeah everything is ultimately groundless. Infact there's no point talking about it because you can't talk about it. Its just obviously severely empty. But this is just 1 side of the coin, there's also everythingness or groundedness that you're just completely palming off because you're too fixated on groundlessness. Like 0 = infinity. 0 is not superior to infinity. There's shit loads of insights in infinity, what you seem to be doing is saying 0 is all there is, infinity is delusion, and if you disagree with me then you're in Leo's wonderland.

That's a lie by default Its funny because I read your title as "God's Beautiful Endless Wonderland", and that's a great way of describing reality. Its a beautiful, loving, endless wonderland. There's a drive to end the search. There's a want by lots of seekers for whatever reason to finally finish seeking, to quit it once and for all. Yet something that I think would be very hard for such seekers to stomach is that seeking is endless. Yeah you can think you're enlightened right now if you want to, but you'll seek again. This isn't the end. You'll be seeking again. You wont be in this state forever. You'll forget the big bang again. Just like how you did 3 or 4 years ago on a relative level. I'm not sure how, and you'll just label it a bunch of thoughts because that's the state you're in, but for illustration, you'll be seeking again when you reincarnate into another life form. And that's because this universe really is an endless wonderland. Of course it is, how could it be any other way? Your enlightenment is temporary by design. You want it(as God) to be temporary. You don't want to be liberated forever. You want to cycle back and forth from it. Its an endless wonderland. Enlightenment is one thing, but knowing the truth is beyond enlightenment. Its something that not many are into, but its definitely a real thing. You can become so conscious that you're aware of how unenlightenment happens. You can know the full circle, and most importantly, you can know WHY unenlightenment happens. The problem with the state you're in, is you're totally clueless as to the WHYs, because you have mistakenly labelled the WHYs as thoughts. When actually they are deep knowings. And that's why I don't really resonate with your post, because the whys are missing. You mistakenly think the whys are just delusion. But its not, its profound stuff. Its beyond enlightenment stuff. If you take the whys away, I totally agree with your post. Every bit of it. But I'm too curious to leave the whys out. The very real, true whys. We've got different goals I guess, you're looking for bliss and happiness, I'm not, I'm looking to quench my curiosity. This leads to us placing importance on different things. You're highly emphasizing no thoughts because that gets you lots of bliss, yet misses the whys. My focus is much more on the whys, yet it includes thoughts, possibly too much.

Asia

jeeezus, this cactus really got to me. Or I was just ready. Further insights: Everyone is hiding something. And what they are hiding is the truth. Even very enlightened beings are hiding something from themselves. You naturally don't want to open or reveal that thing you're hiding. It doesn't feel good to do so, it feels uncomfortable. We try and get to the truth every other way then opening up that pandoras box that we really don't want to open. Eventually we say fuck it, give up, and open up that thing. And that's usually when an awakening happens, or deep healing. We go to great lengths to hide the truth. What's the ultimate truth? Its not infinite love , yes the universe is infinite love. But that's not the truth. The truth is you're radically acting. You're radically pretending, everything. The truth is, you getting angry at someone is you pretending to get angry at someone. You getting depressed is you pretending to get depressed. You being a sincere truth seeker is you pretending to be a sincere truth seeker. You striving for insights into mysticism is you pretending to strive for insights into mysticism. The truth is, that's all a dance, play, show. To a radical level. Its so damn radical. All arguments are you just pretending. Everything you know about spirituality is just to distract you from the truth that you're pretending. Everything Rumi, Leo, Mooji says, is all there to distract you from the hidden truth that you're pretending. Yogis have said life is a dance and that you're pretending, and that you're playing hide and seek with yourself, but this goes really radically. You're even pretending that life is a dance and a play, and that you're playing hide and seek, and then you're pretending that, and that, and that, for eternity. Infinite pretending. I'm even pretending that this post matters, pretending because this post is part of a beautiful play I've set up in this world. A play where the climax is always love, and everything I pretend, the depression, anger, sadness, fear, excitement, confusion, laughter, is just to celebrate the climax of love. You completely stop integrating, completely stop seeking, completely stop deepening your awakening when you fully realize how much you're acting and pretending. Because you're even pretending to deepen your awakening, you're pretending to integrate more and more, its all a fucken play, literally all of it. And you pretend because how else can you truly feel all of your emotions if you're not pretending? To fully feel the play, for the play to be real, you gotta pretend. Otherwise there's no play. You gotta game yourself for the play to be a play. Otherwise the play can't exist. I'm gaming myself now, that's the beautiful part, with this post. And I'm fully aware that I'm gaming myself. All of this isn't caused by me becoming enlightened, this is just me making a beautiful play. That's what my entire life has always been, just me making a beautiful play, and pretending that its real. And I pretended on purpose. Because I love pretending. Its what makes the world loving. Pretending allows love. This was planned, I'm pretending I got lucky getting enlightened, pretending This was the plan since birth. And because I pretended so god damn hard, that pretending is what makes this moment special: There thats the point of pretending! And paradoxically, this work goes deeper. There's more. There's more to what's going on, and I'll pretend to want to know more stuff about the truth, about love, about how this universe works as part of the play, while paradoxically and simultaneously having deeper knowings and realizations. Because it just so happens that you can actually build off this realization as a base and go deeper. This pretending and play shit isn't as deep as it goes, its much deeper then infinite love, but there's more. There's more about how infinite love works, how the play works, and what the truth really is.

This is a common misconception. What you have to understand somehow is the play includes frustration and all the other emotions, not just the ones your ego likes. We're talking about a play here, like a shakespeare play, not some life where we methodologically aim for happiness and remove hatred. Thats all relevant at the early stages, but once you fully realize yourself as God, you must also realize uncomfortable things too.

Went through some purification today caused by the san pedro trip I had yesterday. It was quite scary at the start, but as the purification processed, it became easier. Sense of aloneness deepened a lot. There's a much deeper sense now that I don't talk to people, and people don't talk to me. Everything is seeming way more like a play. I'm looking at electroBeam's interactions with others much more from a 3rd person perspective, where I see the interaction from a bird's eye view, and notice how the interaction is designed (what the other says, how they say it, what electroBeam says, how he says it) to form a beautiful play, a play that makes the universe more loving in total. I'm now no longer aware of what control or free will actually means, as things unfold as part of maximizing love rather than something I'm doing. It was initially scary at the start, I felt like I was being sucked into a space where there was no grounding what so ever. There was no control. And there were no others at all. Everyone is a puppet by created and run by ME. The mystery of what the other is going to say, and what the other is going to do, sort of fled because I became fully conscious that I was creating them. That they were talking based on me. Dislike or hatred totally vanished as I was sucked into this world. Because no one was talking to me, no one hated me. It was just a play of interaction created by me the mastermind. Their hatred or passion against anyone was just a facade created by me as part of my natural process of creating a beautiful story. No one knows more about the truth then I do, no one knows more about anything then I do. Their intelligence, wisdom and truth was all coming from me. And this felt very scary because I all of a sudden was responsible for all of the hard stuff: knowing whats true, knowing how to save the world, etc. The level of responsibility was scary because I couldn't palm it off to anyone like a spiritual teacher or political leader. I am literally responsible for the creation of everything (including Trump) and ensuring things happen in a way that causes the most amount of love. I felt that responsibility as it was revealed to me that everyone's intelligence, love, wisdom and energy was coming from me. And it was my responsibility to ensure they had enough of it. I totally developed amnesia for remembering what its like for others to have their own sense of responsibility, love, wisdom and intelligence. I've totally forgotten what that's like. I'm now calling the shots, and that's the way it is. I've lost the ability to give responsibility to others. I'm now in control of everyone.

Try making life itself a learning experience, and the psychedelics just the cherry on top, instead of the saviour.

.... Speechless. Just fucking speechless. So madly speechless. So insanely speechless. Just what in the actual fuck am I doing. What games am I playing with myself. What the fuck am I doing. The games I'm playing with myself... I'm just gobsmacked. I'm just gobsmacked. You guys think this spiritual stuff is all about just being in the present moment, letting go of thoughts. All I have for you is: Look im not interested in playing those non dual games about who knows more about non duality then the other person. And quite frankly because I just think I'm gonna loose. Because I'm just deluded. And the levels I play myself are just so insane, that I can't even pretend that I have any authority in knowing whats more true then you. I've got no interest in the guru disciple, teacher student personas, I've seen, massively, in very bitter pill fashion, how hypocritical and shockingly deluded that stuff is. I'm not projecting hate towards you. I'm just expressing my innocent feelings. In this post, I'm just gonna be completely vulnerable, and give you a use case for how deluded someone can get. For all of you to look in shock and horror, and hopefully draw insights from. And this post is gonna be used for me to ground my insights in something so I remember when this trip ends. Just because it might be helpful. I'm not down anymore on the whole persona of the dude who cares about truth and gathering all these insights... im just fucken playing myself hard. Here are my insights, use them or not. What the fuck eva. Its 12am my time, and I can't sleep. I wont be sleeping tonight. Where do I start.... bahahahahahaha. I thought my ex played me, my parents played me, "the system" "the government" played me. Bahahahahahahahaha. The levels I play myself. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. Jesus fucking christ. EDIT: accidentally pressed enter. I'll add stuff in, within the next 1 hour. This will take me time to unpack. here is some now: I've been on this path for the last 5 years. I consider myself one of the most sincere seekers out there. I go places that others aren't willing to go. I'm willing to be ostracized for it. Attacked for it. And I have lots in the past. I've been through lots of bitter pills in the past through the spiritual path. And I wanted that. I was a bit of a masochrist. I loved revealing bitter pills. It made me feel like I was getting real progress. The progress others just aren't willing to go through. What I thought made me different to others was just how honest I was. I'm willing to sacrifice what others aren't to get enlightened. I'm willing to go through what others don't want too, even the most enlightened out there. I didn't feel like I was superior to others, infact I was well aware that this lead to a huge amount of survival problems. So I just felt like this was a personal thing of mine, doesnt make me special, but I am certainly a rare one when it comes to truth. Because I can feel everyone around me just isnt as committed as I am. They play games and tell themselves that they are. But they aren't as committed as I am. And I can freak you out, trigger you, take you down if I tried. Because I know exactly what to tell you to give you glimpses... the sorts that you are desperately trying to hide. Because I do it with myself all the fucking time. And I trigger people on a daily basis with my truth inducing bombs. And during some periods I was triggering people on here too, because I just couldn't help myself but trigger the fuck out of you because I know you're hiding something and there's nothing I love more but bursting your bubble. I started getting less interested in this site, because it was getting a bit repetitive. I just felt like I knew all the games already that people were playing on here. And they weren't interested in my help in bursting them. I would just get negative reactions from the people I tried to help. I was getting intuitions somehow that my journey needs to move to shamanic and psychedelic circles, because I started resonating with them a lot more then people on here. I just felt like they have a much deeper grasp on this pandora box we call the present moment and so naturally was attracted to hanging out with them. Although I had issues, because psychedelics weren't working that well for me. the first trips I did on both aya and san pedro were highly mild. Even though the doses were big. I told the psychedelic people that and they were dumbfounded at what was happening. My brain must have been broken. I did have 1 big trip on san pedro that I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was delusional... but it was a trip that shattered everything Leo and other spiritual teachers talk about in a radical way, and I just thought that can't be true(after the trip) (in hindsight: bahahahahahahahaha, this trip went there and infinitely deep into it, a trillion phds) I spoke to those people about non dual teachings, asking them about what God is, and they seemed clueless. And I thought it was because they didn't know much about truth. But what I further realized was it was actually because I didn't know much about truth. So I've had an infinite love awakening sober. The ego permanelty died with me. I know, off by heart, what no self feels like, what no self realization feels like, what all that tony parson crap is. I know all of that off by heart. I can mimic them with perfect accuracy because I know what that shit is inside and out. And I can also perfectly mimic the lovers on here, the ones who have realized infinite love, because I've been there. Know it super well. And the ones that talk about infinity and God. I know your shit off by heart. I don't think you're full of shit, I take in your perspective, but know there's more. I've had the realization that there are no others but me and that I'm inventing it all (sober) I've experienced sober through meditation of literally being different objects. The exact same way people describe it in salvia trips. I know that shit off by heart. Been fucking there sober. I know that the universe is infinite love, and I'm creating everything just to make that realization a trillion times more impactful (realized sober) Yet this san pedro trip absolutely fucking socked me shitless crazily insanely madly. I was getting pretty cocky, I thought these trips aren't working because I'm too enlightened and have seen it all... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (this is the part I want you guys to check out in shock and horror, the above, this is the part I want you to analyze with your eyes and feel the tragedy here, Not just my cockyness, but also having fully exhausted this path to death, beyond 99.99999999999999999% of people (and I know i might be sounding cocky suggesting this, but I'm just being honest. This is what the cactus told me, not my personal ego self... that self has been absolutely humbled to bits, to insane bits) The pedro trip starts: Well I started getting heaps of love and this idea popped in my head that I was about to have a "breakthrough" finally, and this cactus would finally start working. I'm like "yes! I'm gonna experience the "ONE" that leo keeps talking about... that whole idea where you're infinitely aware of absolutely everything and everything is answered and you're completely awake and blablablablalba... I did NOT experience that) Then it started getting so loving that my body couldn't handle it. And then I thought "ahaha! mahasamadhi" prior to this I had been going through very extreme sober ego deaths once a week that actually felt like mahasamadhi. I got extreme amnesia, just love everywhere and the dream (you guys! All you, hello!) was gonna vanish forever. So I'm like ok the cactus is just giving me some insights into that... NO. I started to get this super fiery energy. A super fire but still deeply loving. I always feel it, and its why I'm such a triggering dude to be around. My fire just burns your hidden secrets. I'm scary to those that dont like the truth. I'm wanted dead by them. Can feel it all the time. And I started going through exactly how hypocritical this entire world is. At this point I had somehow found myself outside (AGAIN! Never learn my lesson!) talking to normies about the truth and nature of reality. I told them their secrets. They were telling me that I was deluded. I told them "I'm deluded? The truth is right fucking here you numpty! Look around, its infinite love and you are it! You are creating it all!" but they said all their dualistic bullshit and my fire rose like mad and I just said "yeah and why are you insisting such things because you are afraid of X!" and X got them right in the heart. You could feel their shock, as if their deepest, darkest secret was revealed. And they just went silent. And then I felt a deep sense of resentment generating and facing right at me like a turret of a tank. And it felt like their resentment was about to reveal some hidden secret that I'm hiding... But what? I'm the most honest man alive? That's impossible, I'm not hiding anything? So I walked back home, because I could sense that if I kept outside, somehow through some unhidden law that I dont know what, the normies will start building up in numbers and try and get rid of me. Like exorcism. Through jail or sending me to a psyche ward. And that point I was biting my tongue a lot because I keep so much in about what I think and on this stuff I was being ridiculously authentic and my ability to hide it was fading. I had to tell people how full of it they were... but as said above I could feel this building up into a societal/sociological wound if I kept going this way. ... mind you by this point I still didnt realize the cactus was having an effect on me, I just thought I was placeboing, because thats what happened the last 10 times. I'm just placeboing again. But then as I got back I realized I had been talking to myself out loud and didnt realize it. I started to notice my behavior wasnt normal. And thats when I went "ohhh, the cactus might be working" I started to notice that everything is love (just much more deeply) and saw that Trump and Hitler were just excuses for loving myself more. I know the present moment is all there is, but I need an excuse to love it, or to make it even more loving then it is. And tada! Hitler and Trump! Those guys make the present moment even better! Its just a game I'm playing to love the present moment more and more. Yet those fucken horrible normies! The ones that believe in science and delusion and those stupid political ideologies. If only they were like me, sincere about the truth... But then as I thought about me, the sincere one about truth, I started asking myself, well whose the one creating that idea? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well whose creating the entire universe? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm whose creating the path? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh fucking shit..... whose the one creating no self realization? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh fuck no whose the one creating the realization of infinity? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm oh helly fuck no whose the one creating the realization of infinite love? oh oh fuck no please no fuck no oh fucking shit you've gotta be kidding me whose kidding you? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh fuck no. what the whole path was me gaming myself? "THE WHOLE PATH IS ME GAMING MYSELF?" ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk! well if its no gaming you, then who created Leo? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh no, it really was me creating Leo? Like actually me? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. who created the path? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo who created the idea that your ego died? ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy fuckennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ohh fuck no. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk oh no there's literally nothing outside of me. I'm all alone and creating everything. There's no where to get to or go because I'm doing fucking alll. I can't rely on Leo telling me what truth is, because I fucking created him. ohhhhh helllllll nooooooo. oh hell no I actually did. oh shit I created all the gurus. oh my fucken god. And at this point the cactus was making me feel a deep sense of grieving and loss. And magic and "overness" and I'm like, this is the first time anyone has been here before, none of those enlightened beings have been here before, because I created them. This is all being discovered for the first time. The palpitations start kicking in, I've just woken myself up to a level that I wasn't meant to. I can't ask people for help, because I created all that. I can't ask people where is this san pedro taking me, because I'm fucken doing the whole show. ohhh dear. And then the cactus made me realize that the cactus was just a story I created to make the present moment more magical. I came up with this idea that the cactus takes me beyond where I always am. And I just realized I'm doing that to make the present moment more beautiful and magical. Its a way of making it infinitely loving, I'm always making it more and more beautiful by coming up with all these elaborate stories. ... but they are fucken stories. oh deary me, I'm entering territories that I can't get help because I made it all up, including the idea that the cactus is gentle or whatever. I made that up. ohhhhh dear I don't know whats gonna happen. What if I've just entered mahasamadhi? ohhhhh no I think this is mahasamadhi The cactus goes "Wake up! You keep priding yourself as being the one and only who cares about truth, more than everyone else! Well here's a truth that you've hidden and its the answer to everything... but there's one catch, the dream you know it will never occur ever again and you will literally reincarnate or just dissolve into love or something other than being this physical avatar" And I just asked "do I have a choice? Because it doesn't feel like that? OMG I'm about to enter mahasamadhi? Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk" "how am I going through this? its just a fucken san pedro cactus not 5 meo, and I just took a foot...... ohhhh but I made all those stories up. This is real. This isnt dictated by those stories, the dream might end" I was packing it. Scared shitless. I could feel this truth, it would unravel everything, totally, completely, for real. And its as bitter as I'm the only one there is. And I keep looking for stuff outside of me, but I'm all there is" and it felt so fucken final, like I was about to loose everything. Way more then my ego. You. I will loose you. Everything. Complete amnesia to the point that I will forget what amnesia means because amnesia is a concept relative to this dream that is about to end. the final ness felt so fucken scary. The only me creating it all felt so fucken scary. Because I am completely and utterly responsible for everything that's happening here, because I am God. I created world war 2, ME I FUCKEN DID IT. Oh my god. I created world war 2, I created hitler. Really really really did. Actually. Me, as me as you can get. No one can help me but me. The whole story of the cactus was created by me to help me, but when I totally merge with God, I gotta accept the bitter pill that I'm fully calling the shots. A scary level of responsibility. No help, I need to be the most mature, manly, intelligent, positive, optimistic thing there is to handle myself, because no one else can do it but me". And this was the biggest bitter pill I had to swallow: I said no to knowing that truth. I said no. Me????? The most honest, committed to truth being on the planet just said no to the truth?????????????????? really?????????????????????? my entire self worth revolves around me being the honest, true one, the one that cares about truth the most. and I just fucken said no to the truth. I just said yes to being a devil fully knowing I am one. ohhhh my fucken god, I just did that? speechless. I was here talking about how corrupt you are, how corrupt the pharmaceutical industry is, people on this site, people in the psychedelic groups, the psychologists. And I just accepted being a devil. I just did the exact thing I felt made me stand apart. My whole identity around being the one that cares about truth, going through the spiritual path the most sincerely of all, was just shattered by the fact that I just said no to truth. I was gaming myself. Infinite love realization - gaming myself. No self realization - gaming myself. Going through the spiritual path - gaming myself. Permanent ego death - gaming myself. Being sincere about the truth - gaming myself. Being respectful to gurus and religions and even psychedelics - gaming myself. Of course I'm gaming myself, if I don't know the truth(mahasamadhi) yet, whose keeping that truth away from me? Fucken me! Who else is doing it hahahahaha. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. Jesus fucken christ. ... Jesus fucken christ. The cactus told me "if you took LSD or dmt, you would have died (mahasmadhi) and never come back to this world again. The only reason you're here is because you got lucky. Last minute chose to do san pedro. San pedro that just happens to be the most gentle psychedelic out there" "You just almost physically killed yourself, because if it wasn't another psychedelic, you wouldn't have had the option of saying no to truth. You would have mahasamadhied" "doesn't matter about the chemistry and psyches not being able to kill you... you created everything and all of that and I'm telling you now, you just nearly killed yourself with your arrogance in thinking you knew everything about enlightenment already, about psyches not working for you. You just nearly mahasamadhied" This freaked me out to absolute crazy levels because I did almost take lucy. The aftermath: I thought I had reached enlightened levels of humility, realization, and this has just showed me I'm gaming myself. But also everyone else is gaming themselves radically too. Not just me. And yes your insistence that there are no others, is itself a game you're playing, and I see right through that bullshit because I created you. After the trip I found myself outside again somehow (tends to happen with san pedro) and I could feel the normies knew there was something horrifying about me without even talking to me. They all gave me weird stares. It became crystal clear to me (outside) that on a relative level, the level people are going to hide themselves from the truth is phenomenal. The games are just makes me speechless. This site is riddled with tonnes and tonnes and tonnes of games. That no self stuff - games, infinite love realization - games, enlightenment - games, present moment - games, nothing here but thoughts - games. Just be in the now - games. And this site is meant to be creme of the crop. So just imagine the games of our institutions, bureaucracies, etc. This is a way bigger matter then life or death. People dont just want me killed, the want me exterminated from even reincarnating. Beyond death level extermination. When I was walking back, it hit me, I felt the gravity of what truth is. I felt the gravity of how much people are determined to hide from it. It blew me away(because I'm one of them!) And i could feel the normies knew I was embodying basically their worst nightmare, and that the only reaction they could give me is fear. Because I'm dealing with people who dedicate their existence to hiding from the very thing I'm embodying, and they dedicate lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes to hiding from this. I was a magnet for cops, psychologists and hospitals, thugs and criminals, because I was embodying and emitting people's worst nightmares and the only reaction to that is Jail, killing me or bashing me criminally, sending me to a psyche ward, etc. I was an attractor for all that stuff. And so scared out of my life, I ran back home, trying to hide from everyone so they could inevitable feel the truth I was embodying, the truth that they were desperately and going to extreme lengths to hide. I'm no longer the most sincere truth man. That's been absolutely smashed. I now have compassion for the trickers, because I am one myself too on a personal level, like I just caught myself saying no to truth. I cant explain how badly that wrecked my self esteem. And I now have a trillion times greater appreciation and "siddhis" in seeing the tricks others play. I can now spot out those tricks a trillion times more easily. And yes I am the buddha, Leo, god, I created all that stuff. I even created meditation and yoga and during this san pedro trip report, I saw how the only reason why I believe I need meditation and yoga is because I'm gaming myself. I don't like the truth, so I created meditation and yoga so that it would bring me out of the present moment(truth) into some land of peace, happiness, infinite love, when all there is, is NOW! I was gaming myself with all those techniques. I'm even gaming myself with san pedro. And yet, I must still take san pedro because somehow the universe is mysterious where I'm gaming myself with its creation yet I still need it to see that. But meditation and yoga are finished for me AFAIK, unless things change, because I've just seen how those things are games. If I want to know the truth... aint hard, aint about meditation or yoga... its about doing and revealing and seeking and honestly probing what you dont want to probe. Its about instead of avoiding that thing you go and unravel it... if you dare. No that meditation and yoga stuff is you trying to hide the truth. Just go directly if you seriously care about truth. Apart from that, the whole spiritual path and teachers and gurus... sorry don't agree or resonate with you guys on those things anymore at all.

I'm a toy soldier, you're god, this post is coming out of your mouth. That's the truth, wake up Man up! You're God for f sakes! Its your responsibility to figure that out, you created me not the other way around! Go look in that room. Forget me and what I say, my actions and words are spawning from your hands, and you're pretending its not purely to hide from what you're afraid of. Sounds real? Because it is What you deep down feel is whats actually true. Because youre god. If youre afraid of the truth, then the truth might actually be scary, you might have been pretending its infinite love all along? Or maybe not. You dont know and your job in this life and the next 1000 lifetimes maybe, is to man up to the point that you can discover what that is, even if its scary. Staying in the dream forever isnt sustainable. I cant tell you what the truth is because my function is purely to distract you from the truth... until this post

Machine elves are just as real as electroBeam. Or possibly more real. Yet not the realest, the realest is mahasamadhi. If you want that, go for it. Its totally possible because the universe is infinite. Yet you will get sick of that eventually, and destroy the dream. That's all I'm saying. Infinite love is definitely real, but the thing is, eventually you'll realize that you created every spiritual teacher, the path, enlightenment, infinite love as a means to distract you from knowing the truth. A truth beyond all of that. You're a god playing in your room with spiritual teacher toy soldiers pretending that they know about infinite love more then you, when actually the words coming out of their mouth is actually coming out of your mouth - that realization is when you finally get that there is a truth beyond all teachers, and that infinite love and the highest teachings were just distractions from knowing or discovering that truth that is beyond all teachers and paths and even psychedelics. Inside your room, there is another room that you haven't opened, and you've been pretending to open it with your toy soldiers. But when you finally realize its all toy soldiers, you gotta put all those toy soldiers down and go and discover whats in that room. Is there a monster in that room? Or is it a more expansive form of love? Or something entirely different? You've got no pointers because you have been making up all the pointers. This is totally unknown territory. No teachers know about it because they are all puppets of you(when you finally realize that). Whenever I get the sense of opening up that new room, I always get a sinister feeling, like there's some monster in it and I created all of this delusion and devilry to protect myself from it because of how monstrous it is. Its like the universe isn't infinite love, its actually really bad, and I created infinite love to hide myself from it(not saying this is true, this is just how I feel about it). Its like I've discovered it before, got really shocked, then created all this delusion to protect myself from it. Yet what I, as God, have to finally mature up to is the possibility that there is a monster in that room, but I discover it anyway because even if the truth is infinite hell, or beyond infinite hell, or a monster, or just horror or beyond bad, I discover it anyway because truth is more important than feeling good or bliss. In other words Keyhole, you can't rely on teachers or anyone to tell you what the truth is, because what the truth is, is virtually unknown by any of your toy soldiers, including me. Only you know how deep this shit can go, and only you can go deeper then all your toy soldiers, because you're the only one here. Your toy soldiers cant know more then you because their words are coming out of your mouth, you've been pretending they haven't as a means to distract you from the truth (yes thats twisted AND TRUE). It sure is, mahasamadhi isn't physical death, I was just illustrating. Its a type of death that kills reincarnation and the dream. Mods, you can close this thread now if you want. I think the message that was wanting to be conveyed is loud and clear.

Can't really tell whether I went to Mexico or came back from it Well I'm just a figment of your imagination so its a bit hard for me to die isn't it.

this one:

Because I'm afraid of the Truth. Because I'm a devil. That's the correct answer. The answer no one is willing to admit.

This isn't the first time you've called me deluded, and then later realized the exact things you called me deluded for. Just remember that.

Most wont resonate with this post because most aren't ready. This post is simply me expressing late stage stuff for those who are later in the path. Like yeah I can pretend to be a no self realization guy if I wanted. There's no you, everything is empty, there's no dream, yada yada. I could build great rapport and develop a huge following with adviata vedantan guys if I wanted because I've been there and totally get where they are coming form. Same thing for those that have realized they are God, or Infinite Love or Infinity. Yes the whole world is infinite, its all a dream, god can create whatever he wants, purple elephants if he wants to, yes the present moment goes on for infinity, yadayadayada. But I'm deliberately not conforming to such perspectives because I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in the truth, and no self, infinite love, god, infinity are not truth. None will get this probably, but your resistance to me saying those things aren't true are actually survival mechanisms to hide the real truth. Yeah most aren't ready to hear that, but that's the case - sorry. I've exhausted this spiritual stuff, I've looked everywhere, I haven't left any stone unturned. And I'm saying there's stuff beyond all that stuff you're talking about. And I know this because I created all that stuff as God, no self, infinite love, infinity, are my little toy soldiers. so yeah its twisted, it doesn't sound right to you, it doesn't make you happy, it doesn't make you blissful, and that's fine. I'm not here to delude people. I totally support following the usual no self, infinity, god and infinite love realizations. Go do that. What I'm talking about is not that though. And it will be beneficial for those who get it. Who get what I'm saying. To be completely honest, my urge to help people on here is just me distracting myself from the truth because I'm too scared, because I'm a devil. I'm too scared of mahasamadhi. But I might as well be scared in style, if I'm gonna be scared.

There's 2 different levels here. There's realizing infinite love, and seeing reincarnation from that POV. Then there's seeing reincarnation from mahasamadhi's POV. From the infinite love POV its obvious that reincarnation happens, just like how it happens every time we sleep at night. The dream goes to something else. Yet that's not the end of the road. Then there's mahasamadhi which is beyond that. Its beyond reincarnation. Its like realizing that reincarnation isn't a thing. How could you live after realizing reincarnation isn't a thing? What if the whole reincarnation and high consciousness and low consciousness and merging with God and not merging with God are all just you distracting yourself from a truth that will blow all that away. Well that's what that trip was like for me. And of course its like that because I invented Leo, the path, enlightened beings, infinite love realization, psychedelics, all of it. Once you get to the point where you're so sober that you realized you created all that shit, that's when you realize all that stuff isn't true. And if all that stuff isn't true, then everything you know now is gonna be a complete lie and obliterated. What you're actually hiding is something no beings have talked about because no beings are real. You created them all to distract you from this thing you're hiding. Who the fuck knows what that is. Why did you even create all this shit in the first place? That thing you're hiding is so radical and scary that you went so far as to game yourself so hard with all these enlightened beings and psychedelics and the path, you tricked yourself into thinking you're legitimately getting to the truth with all this path stuff, when actually all of that is a distraction you created to hide this thing. jesus christ what the fuck is this thing you're hiding. You are going to some extreme lengths to hide it. Like gaming yourself with the path, making yourself think you're getting to the truth way better then 99.99999999% of people, and all of that was a fucken game to hide this thing. Jesus fucking christ. That's why posting videos to me about what other teachers say is just completely stupid from my POV, because I've seen that I created all of that to distract myself from X, and what in the fuck is X, it could be a monster for all I know. But I'm God, I've gotta toughen up and venture and see what this X is, this X beyond everything I know. Its my fate. Its definitely leaving the body and amnesia and mahasamadhi, thats for sure. Like I have no idea what X is, and I've gotta be extremely manly and tough and brave to figure this out, because this is God level shit. I as God am hiding something big. And I don't know why I'm hiding it and going to such extreme lengths to hide it. I need to be extremely tough, brave, intelligent, and mature to figure what X is, its beyond all teachers and everything I as god have created.

Appreciating the love, but "completely wrong" is is outside of the NOW.

awesome!

I'm very hesitant to talk about it TBH because its so radical and not many want to hear it. But yes you're correct. I have seen for myself that Full Awakening is not the highest, FULL AWAKENING is. You can be in a state where if you had a gun to your head, you'd 100% accept it. You'd still go through some negative emotions, yet you'll watch those emotions from a distance and let it flow through. And that's because there's no human you, and this entire life was just a way of setting yourself up to fall in love with yourself really hard (infinite love realization). That's the state I'm in now. Yet I am definitely not awake. No where close. But you're still hiding something even when you're in Full Awakening. You're playing the game. Playing the game is actually you hiding something if you look close enough(if you dare bahahahaha). You're hiding the fact that the whole point of life is mahasamadhi. Physical death. Suicide(actual 100% dementia, not some pseudo death where you still remember your name and who you are and the forum and your parents ). That's actually the point of it. Physical death isn't some cool phenomena that happens in the game. Its the point. The whole point is infinite dementia amnesia love. I heard from somewhere that Full Awakening is looking at the infinite from the finite mind. FULL AWAKENING is looking at the infinite from the infinite mind. IE dementia. You need to let go of everything to the point of dementia to be fully awake. Its not awakening if you still remember who you are and who others are and what the game is. The game needs to be totally eradicated for full awakening. I didn't realize that before the trip. I thought I was 100% awake, then that trip smashed me to pieces. I'm now just totally shocked, and I can see a trillion times more games being played on myself and others. And I can see that others are either at Full Awakening, or lower, and that's how I know on a relative level that people don't understand or get what I'm saying. The discussion between james and inenlightened is happening somewhere inbetween awakening and full awakening. Its very subtle. People are making that mistake about me on this thread. Their eyes aren't keen enough. They think I'm parroting what yogis have been saying for thousands of years, but I'm not. I'm saying something subtly different. Thoughts and the ego is amazingly sneaky. Within "who is the I that's saying that" lies a trillion opportunities for the ego to deceive. Context is important. Whose saying it is important. Just parroting "who is the I that's saying that" without acknowledgement of who and context allows the ego to be very very sneaky and clever. It allows the ego to make you think no self realization is the end of the road, when its actually mahasamadhi. People aren't taking in the context with what I'm saying. Mahasamadhi is not 0 thoughts. Mahasamadhi is a huge paradigm shift. No thoughts is 1 state of consciousness, not the highest. Definitely not the scariest, and definitely not the point. Yep sure there's no point to life and everything is just a dance, yet you will continue to seek, grow, integrate till mahasamadhi. Your desire is not to be in a state where you're playing the game. Your desire is to destroy the game forever, but you're too afraid to, so here you are. 0 thoughts is not destroying the game and getting amnesia. 0 thoughts is just a temporary state of consciousness that flees when you go back to looking at this forum for example lol. And even then, 0 thoughts is something that happens very early on in the path. As you advance you realize that thoughts occur, but not in your head, but in the universe. Its the universe thinking, not your skull. 0 thoughts is completely irrelevant to mahasamadhi. Even physical death doesn't describe mahasamadhi. Because if the average person dies, they'll just reincarnate. Mahasmadhi is knowing something that will change you so much that the dream gets destroyed. Its like once I know this I can't reincarnate ever again. I can't play the game ever again. I will never have parents ever again. I will never identify with blabla ever again. I will be infinite formlessness without a game for eternity. Physical death isn't knowing that, physical death is ignorance. Mahasamadhi is way more destructive and radical then physical death. I just use physical death as an example to illustrate the radicalness of what I'm talking about, because I know that enlightened beings still don't want physical death. But what I'm talking about is more getting an infinite nuclear bomb and ruining your chances of reincarnating into a form ever again.

"call off the search", "you woke from the dream to realise", "the waking dream was also dreamed" is definitely a very scary but important part of the path. You are this human in a 3D world, and your existence depends on the form of that human. The 3D world wont die, but your existence will. Fast forward to ego death and then you realize the 3D world doesn't exist, and you are not the human form but the present moment itself(no self realization). Then its all about living your life from that perspective for the next 60 years or so for most people. Been there. That's not what this post is about. As shockingly absurd as it would sound to you, you're not awake. All that stuff, is relative to the spiritual path. Machine elves don't have the same spiritual paths we do. Living your life from a state of no realization or even infinite love realization is all relative to the human form still. Doesn't matter that you're self realized, if you've got any honesty in you, you'd notice that if I put a gun to your head, especially if you're as young as 23, you'd still not be happy about it. You can still tell a difference between now and gun to your head and shot. See the woke people on here can talk all day about "whose the I thats saying all this" or "there is no death", yet there's a big difference between talking and doing, and I'd love to get a bunch of self realized beings, put a gun to their head, and demonstrate their reaction, to show that. Psychedelics are a great way of simulating that, and in my case I almost physically died. You can say that alan watts crap of "oh im afraid, but im not afraid of being afraid, and ill 100% accept the fear" crap all you like, but no matter whether you're state is constantly self realization or not, you will not be ok with gun to your head. Simple. No one on here is awake. I know that for a fact, because I created everyone. 100% awake is complete dementia. Not human level dementia, god level dementia(and isn't this God damn obvious? You, the self realized being, are still ensuring you don't get hit by a bus. What drive is causing that? Devilry, ignorance, not wanting the truth, not wanting mahasamadhi, because you aren't awake. Once you're truly awake, you will be so demented that you wont know what getting hit by a bus is). Its forgetting to such an extreme level that if I asked you what your name was you'd act like you have dementia. Its complete and utter amnesia. Amnesia to the point that you'd forget what amnesia is. On the relative plane, its leaving the body. If you're not demented, then you aren't awake. And you're not, because you're still talking to me. True awake is physical death, not ego death. Ego death is fooling around. You might be awake, yet you're still integrating, still growing. And you're still integrating and growing because you still aren't satisfied. You might think you're satisfied without an ego, but you aren't, you're just pseudo satisfied. Its quite obvious, if you were 100% satisfied you wouldnt be integrating or growing at all. And that's because the only thing that will 100% fulfill you is physical death. Gun to your head. I'm not advocating suicide. But what I am saying is "what happens now" is trying to commit suicide without doing it directly. That's your goal, and objective, and you don't realize it. Because you don't realize it, you create heaps of self deception and schemes and plans for ensuring you don't commit suicide. Yet suicide is exactly what you want. That's the game you're playing, trying to commit suicide without committing suicide, whether you think you're awake or not. Anyway, this post will get negative reactions by lots, because I've also seen how hard people hide from the truth. And I just don't want to deal with it. I've got my own issues to deal with after seeing the stuff I saw on that trip, and all I'm interested in doing in sharing other parts of the map as forestluv would describe it. I'm not interested in debating your map. If you're genuinely curious about seeing more then you think you know, I can help you there easily. But I'm not good at helping you debate your own map. Go to the enlightened beings on here for that. Meme at the very top of the original post

To my mum, Tony Parsons, Leo, Rumi, Mooji, sadhguru are all saying the same thing. The difference is in the extremely subtle details. What i wrote about was NOT what this site writes about daily. It was a complete rejection and rebuke of it if anything. I'd have a stab that you'd need to be balls deep into spirituality to notice the details. If you're my mum you'll read what I've written and determine it was the exact thing every teacher talks about. If it doesn't help you, dismiss it of course, but for those who are balls deep into spirituality, at the very least it would open their minds up to other possibilities, whether they know that consciously, or not(absorbed subconsciously)

It is. Baseline hasnt gone down. Baseline levels of anything only take you as far as you need them to take you. Eventually the whole concept and idea of baseline and changing baselines dissolves into pure knowing of thyself as God. You created the baselines, and where are the baselines? Outside of here and now. Why might that be? To run away from here and now. Why are you running away from the here and now? To make realizing the here and now even more awesome and cool then it already is. But to fully realize that, you have to have a sober talk with yourself and admit that the baselines never really happened. Because a thought said so. EDIT: thanks for all the kind words and appreciation from those that did, definitely felt it.

Appreciate the love in the responses. I'm just seeing games though. I'm not interested in battling your beliefs about what "teaching" and "reiki" means. Neither in battling your understanding of what "I" means. Please take what I've written as a case study so you don't fall into the same traps as I did. Thats the best way to use this trip report.