Manjushri

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Everything posted by Manjushri

  1. I basically don't want to live out these depressive patterns anymore in my life. It's a crime against life, in a sense. This is one of my great obstacles in my path. I'm often heavily, truly, clinically depressed. Like, rotting teeth depressed. Not eating and lying on the floor for days depressed. The depressed mind affects my outlook on life in general. It's not that I'm dysfunctional, not that I'm purposeless and goal-less. I do heavy personal development and enlightenment work. I do all my tasks, I love life, I am energetic, charismatic and everything. But even without depressive episodes I still feel that it affects me, my personal development and my consciousness work. I want to get over that shit for life. It's toxic and burdening. What the fuck do I do, where do I start. I need to dig this out and about. See what beliefs are faulty and limiting. To become aware of my emotional problems, and to discover the root of them, to free myself of them. Thought patterns are full of death and wanting to die even though I love experiencing and I love being and I love Being and I love life. It's like, if I took a drug which changed my physiology (body) it would actually change my mind as well. And then I would be motivated enough to stand up and eg go to the dentist before my teeth completely rot (im only 20) and brush them more often etc. Fucked up mind fucks up the body which in turn fucks up the mind even more, vicious circle. I gave too little information but it took me real willpower to start this topic (no physical motivation to do it (depression)). I am eternally grateful for whatever you write, I can't wait to read it all. Thank you.
  2. @Commodent I agree completely. It's like shutting yourself off from an entire spectre of experience. When I say depression though I mean unhealthy patterns or whatever (I haven't even figured why it happens with me) that hinder authentic Being and personal development. It's a narrow state of consciousness, for sure.
  3. Hey everybody, I think you missed the point. I'm not constantly depressed. I do all the personal development shit. It's just an unwholesome outlook on life and conditioned mental patterns.@Nickyy I'm more having bipolar symptoms than classic depressive ones. 5 days elated manic 5 days "kill me" depression. Everything is alright, literally, whenever I sit to meditate, everything is alright, yet I want to die. What the fuck? Considering supressing feelings, I don't think I do. My "depressions" are filled with anger,hurt and "hatred" (which I only just recently begun to feel, finally I'm honest enough with myself to feel it woo) .@Anna1 Well, what does it take, Anna? I don't know where to start. I guess I'll make a SMART goal or a vision with counseling/therapy but that's so unlikely to happen atm. I'm trying to put mental effort into making a dentist appointment.
  4. Good question, I think I even made a thread on this one. My guru says yes, I mean, it's kinda different from aware immersion, this flow state. There is no spaciousness in the quality of the experience.
  5. I've been thinking about this phenomena. It just seems so delusional, to think in terms of satisfying justice. I can't pinpoint the ego mechanism of justice. Is it desire, aversion, attachment? I'm talking about both the broad term and the narrow one. (narrow - why is it *just* for a criminal to be pursued and persecuted and get his sentence) What is justice? What is the root of a desire for justice? Is it innate?
  6. @Milos Uzelacno no start contemplating now not when you're in the rut. you need to know exactly what is the root of suicidal ideation to be able to work with it. good luck
  7. Why commit suicide? Meditate on the reason, get to the root of the desire. What answers do you find? Don't answer with your intellect. Is it because you're unhappy with your current self? Not living according to your values? Then the suicidal drive is a call to growth. Is it aggression towards yourself? Is it out of strong kleshas? Which ones? Is it because you're suffering too much? If so, why are you suffering? Is there another way out?
  8. How do you think a mental hospital would help him? Stuff him with pills that "block his dopamine" because his delusions are a chemical disbalance? It is a tough situation though. Im sorry.
  9. really enjoyed the story. thank you so much i burst out in laughter at the not identifying with your thoughts part. Oh, I'm so damn silly, how can I keep believing all these silly stories... much love
  10. I'm talking about the type of coffee, how much should I consume it to never build tolerance or only a slight one, etc etc. I've been experimenting with coffee and I love the high in all levels and I never have a crash. I'm just worried I might overuse it and then fuck it up. Basically I guess I want to drink it my entire life but only as a nootropic. So I want to maximize the effects and minimize the negative things. What I'm drinking at the moment is one nescafe a day and it's only because of exams. Coffee makes me feel so good, like physically pleasant, energetic, concentrated, everything. And it's a pretty cheap legal drug too. Is one daily with 2 days detox the way to go or how the fuck should I go on with drinking this and not becoming the zombie coffee addict type where coffee just becomes a crutch and not a stim. thanks in advance
  11. @outlandish Has 1 day on 2 off been tested to make you minimal tolerance? I basically already do minimal effective doses but because of exams I've been using it frequently. I want to be a chronic user, yes. The high is worth it. I don't want to get addicted.
  12. Thank you! Espresso is too strong for me. I drink really weak coffee and still get half-jittery in a good way because I guess I'm really sensitive to it I don't want to be like my mother, who drinks 4 cups of coffee just to be functional. What do you think is the best way to cycle? I'm also interested in other nootropics, first to start with the "natural" ones because my body is obviously really sensitive to stims, I guess I wouldn't be able to sleep for 3-4 days because of modafinil
  13. @DrewNows I dont actively smoke nor drink coffee but I love to use both cigs and coffee from time to time. Whenever I started abusing it I just quit and reevaluated (when I was a kid smoking packs on school trips for fun and then suddenly get additcted). Now I cant get myself to the point of addiction because I'm actively actualizing and using them only moderately haha
  14. I've lost 7.5 kg. I don't want to gain weight ever again, I feel like this is the healthiest body fat for my size. I'm making it a daily habit to weigh myself. I don't think it's enough though - because sometimes I eat without caring about gaining weight. Last time I lost weight but got depressed and regained it in two-three months. I don't want that ti happen ever again. I don't ever want to have extra fat ever again. It impacts the quality of both my mind and my life. I want to make a fool-proof plan to never gain again. Please help.
  15. @Marks199 No problems with the monkey. My actualized life demands a slim healthy body. I don't feel aligned nor like I'm doing personal development when I've got chubby cheeks. @Average Investor Why is it a terrible idea?
  16. Im more concerned about the mindset. Whenever I get depressed, even though I have the habit to weigh myself daily, I dont care about the increasing numbers and keep eating a lot.
  17. Of course it's just a construct, but there are some regularities in "symptoms" so we can give it a name. To grt diagnosed with it, you need to have more than 2 out of 5 of these : hallucinations, delusions (okay) trouble concentrating (LOL) incoherent behavior and speech movement disorders Alright. So what the fuck are hallucinations? I'm not naive realist so I'm not asking that. I'm asking, why is this person's experience different than the majority? Is it anything spiritual? A greater sensitivity? A person who gets a diagnosis of schizo would be a medium or a shaman (if spiritual work) and be revered and exalted in a different culture. What are delusions? How do they come into being? How can you start believing that the government is spying on you in paranoid schizo? I want to talk about it in general, from more aspects. When somebody is deranged, my theory is that it's all emotional problems, I can't fit hallucinations in that web of belief. I want to talk about it from a spiritual perspective, psychology as well. I decided to be a clinical psychologist a few days ago. Before that, I met my first person with that diagnosis. She has an extreme sensibility for art even though she is underage, a sensibility for life actually. A greater reverence of it. I admire her.
  18. Oh I guess that isn't too damaging. Don't worry, taper it off responsibly, and your system will clean itself in less than a year. Hope you don't have any severe sexual dysfunctions. Best of luck man
  19. Hey man, I'm extremely anti-medication. I have a lot of science behind that. Would you like me to send you all that? They do you more harm than good unless in extreme acute cases where it should be used for a short short time, just to tranqulize the body-mind and give it some rest.
  20. @Keyhole sorry, dopamine or ANY neurotransmitter imbalance in psychosis and schizophrenia is just a hypothesis. This medication does a lot more to the brain. Dopamine might be tok excited in the mesolymbic system hence the "mystic" experiences. If I make the map the territory, and call the neurotransmitter that I have as a certain sensation in my experience as dopamine, then, yes, whenever I had a spiritual experience a lot of dopamine was being released. You need to take into account that psychiatry's main quest is to remove symptoms (agitation) and to actually tranqulize those who don't comply to social norms. Mental hospitals are usually incarcetation and coercion. Also, the money in the game... Pharmaceutical industry. You know the amount of charges pressed against Lily for Zyprexa, the most popular antipsychotic? They tried to sell it for everything, then they figured, hey, the crazy man is not screaming anymore. Let's make a scientific hypothesis of how we fixed him! (insert science and neurotransmitters)
  21. So root of delusion is fear and ignorance and the root of hallucination (perception out of the norm of perception) is...???
  22. Here in Serbia life coaches are usually hoax or new agey. I talked to this guy over the phone and he sounds okay. I got a free consultation because I was on a retreat with his partner. How do I make the most use out of this time?
  23. Why does it hurt THAT much that you want to end it and just not go along for the ride Shaun?
  24. I'm from Belgrade and now I see you live there too wow oh my god. now I feel excited.