Preety_India

@lmfao sorry but I don't like that Jordan guy. The only YouTuber I seriously follow is Leo Gura.

I don't think like that. I don't have that ruthless bone in me. It's difficult to grow that, not entirely impossible but difficult. I've been soft with people all my life. Now I suddenly need to become hard. This won't be easy. It will be quite change of my personality And changing a personality 180° is no easy job. I really lack selfishness. I have basic selfishness when it comes to survival. But around people I'm very fond and loving and throw myself to save them and completely ignore my own needs to the point of sacrifice. This is something I will have to change otherwise I will keep getting taken advantage of. I want this cycle to stop. Selflessness is good but only if practiced with caution. Being selfless around a pack of lions means death. Just like it's difficult for a narcissist to become an empath, it's equally difficult for an empath to start acting like a narcissist. These are two diametrically opposite personalities and that's why they are so sexually attracted to each other. They start feeding each other's differences to complement their personality defects. I lack ruthlessness and selfishness. I have had this problem when one of my friends was going to fall under a bus and I tried to save her putting my own life at risk by coming under the bus. So I'm no stranger to my own nature.. The problem is that I have realized after a long time that' its okay to be good and helpful but there should be some limit and I better not take a risk on my life.. Some narcissists have actually helped me like one narcissistic girl who was my friend and she was incredibly selfish with people and one day she mocked me for helping people and told me that I'll always end up suffering if I become too selfless. I denied her. She was actually right. The problem is that when you are raised in a way where you think that having empathy is a great idea, you become oblivious to its Grey areas. Now with time, I have understood that everything needs to be in balance. That's why I created that diagram that shows the center balance region which means anything in extreme is a problem, even kindness in its extreme condition will attract lot of problems. There are less problems if you are well rounded and balanced on all sides in life. I think balancing is also an act of shadow removal. The extreme ends shown in the spectrum of the diagram probably represent these shadows of character. When you are too selfish you will end up harming others. When you are too selfless you will end up harming yourself. Both are bad. But culture-wise we are taught that only one out of the two is harmful and that is selfishness. But in reality both are harmful equally. Being extremely kind is a bad strategy in real life. Practical life does not approve of such bookish values. So it's important to be kind and empathetic and selfless but within a healthy margin and in a reasonable manner. That's the conclusion I reached today.

Yes yes yes. My vulnerability becomes a fodder or prey. Like Leo said that I need to become ruthless. But the problem is that becoming ruthless reminds me of my mom who was extremely ruthless and I had promised myself that I'll never be ruthless in my life So ruthlessness and selfishness became my shadow aspects because deep down anything that reminded me of selfishness had to be rejected. That's why it's so hard for me to become ruthless and find a way to be comfortable being ruthless.

Thank you so much for your words. That means a lot to me.

You're right about all this. The only female role model in my life was my mother who was both absent and abusive. My father died when I was too young. My siblings left the family long ago. And they settled in the US although they are good with my extended family and I do contact them some times. But usually I'm alone. My only pet was murdered by a man who had jealousy with my dad. So I lived a whole amount of time alone and abandoned. That loneliness could also attract me to narcissists because a lot of narcissists live alone or secluded, they like to be the lone wolf, that loneliness in them I can really connect and empathize with. I feel like by taking away their loneliness I'm bringing happiness into their life and also healing the abandoned inner child that I was in my childhood.

It's just the general reaction of men. Facts. Nothing wrong with it though. I'd actually expect a man to be all fired up.

Yes I do. Does this mean that I need to get a bit more selfish and move towards the center like I showed in the diagram? How can I get to act more selfish?

Yep yep yep.

Ok fine. I'm putting all my karma in your bank account

I'm already writing a journal on karma. It's my Kickstart to understanding karma deeply. Karma works. Totally. A lot of people don't believe in it. But I certainly do. I can't remember a specific incident in my life right now. I also created these terms like Karmic Debts, Karmic burdens, Karmic wounds and Karmic exchanges. Funny how I wrote the journal today and simultaneously came across this thread. Maybe my Karma!!!!!!

You're conflating two different things here. Being selfless towards someone is one thing. Having self love is a totally different thing. These are two different parameters. Some people are not very good at self love because of past trauma or abuse and they can be very selfless people, they can do selfless acts. Also complaining about something is venting out. It's not selfish. If someone is hurt, let them complain. Calling them selfish is like telling a domestic violence victim that they should just shut up and not complain. Here I'm not bitching or whining. That can be considered selfish, I understand But asking for help and looking for perspectives on why certain patterns exist is called self introspection and opening up to people, that's absolutely nothing selfish about it

@Eph75 @Eph75 but I had a relationship with him.

Yep.

Having boundaries and selflessness are two different things. I've seen selfless people get shit on and that's because they never learned how to keep boundaries.

@Natasha my mom was abusive. I'm not exactly demonizing narcissists. Just that I don't want them around me because they cause a lot of harm through their manipulation. Not everyone has to suffer trauma in order to be abused by narcissists..the narcissist who had abused me had also had toxic relationships with other women and when I befriended those women, they had no history of trauma. Narcissists destroy lives. It's just facts. They need to own it. And it's not overrated. In fact most women don't even realize that they are suffering narcissistic abuse because they are hardly aware of such a term. More awareness in this aspect is necessary

@Etherial Cat they don't even allow any questions to be asked. In the initial dating period with my ex Joseph, he would immediately shut down any questions that I would ask about his past, or his past marriage or any thing regarding his credibility. They just hate questions.

Let's see how that same situation works out for a man!! Haha. If the gender were reversed, no man would ever put up with a wife who does that.

@mandyjw you have the most beautiful mind I should really look up to you.

The love bombing can last anywhere between 3 weeks up to 3 months. This is the impression phase where the narcissist's sole focus is to impress as hard as he can. Your advice is on point. Screening them for red flags early on is a good idea.

Let's say even if I don't get abused in a relationship, I'm still going to end up around narcissists because they have this enormous magnetic power that they create through a ton of love bombing. It becomes an addiction.

@Rilles exactly. Their love bombing is on another level. It's so strong that it is impossible to resist.

@mandyjw that sounds very interesting. Never heard of that term before.

@mandyjw what is hedonic adaptation?

@Gesundheit is self-love selfish?

They bring out my caring side more than other normal people. Bringing out those feminine caring instincts in me makes me produce oxytocin for them. I want to care for a person who needs my hug or affection. Narcissists tend to want my affection. So I tend to submit. I almost feel like a nurse who is helping a wounded soldier.