Preety_India

I think I have partially recovered from the breakup. It was brutal and I would never want something like that again. That must stop in my life I have already cut off friendships because it's not worth my time nor gonna serve any real purpose to me. Only if the friends were really kind. Otherwise what's the point? Live on someone's kindness. And then get abandoned. In the end....... Abandoned. Bpd folks really have to create a thick wall around themselves because it's not worth getting screwed over and over again. It took me 15 days, some alcohol and some binge eating/listening to sad songs to finally get over that horrible breakup/abandonment situation.

I'm feeling a bit unstable today But it's ok. I can handle it still I still felt a lot of neediness today that I need to work on. And this journal is great for self reflection and posting all thoughts.. Just any random thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I will never be really and truly understood. I just wish to live an honest life. Be honest with my emotions.. Not have to hold back anything at all ever. Just be myself truly and authentically

After a long time I discovered a nice song. https://youtu.be/PHs_uax2vw0

Also deep down I wish to challenge the accepted norms and social definitions of good and bad, right and wrong. Most often people only do what feels right to them.. That's not being right. That's just being selfish. The first fishy moment is generally when someone presents themselves to be too good. I used to fall for this. For example my ex boyfriend Mr Bud. He would call himself the best person in town and how nobody ever said that he was a bad person. But he was very machiavellian and very psychologically abusive, would gaslight me all the time. How can a supposedly good person do that? Bwahahaha That has made me very suspicious of people who try to come off as good right off the bat. Like they call themselves the best people etc.... If someone ever told me that they are the best person and boasted about how great they were, that would be the single biggest clue that they are not what they really imply. That they are just being pretentiousness and fake. And I absolutely hate and abhor it to the max degree.. I have never had a problem with someone who called themselves bad. I always have had a problem with someone who called themselves good. Because they never actually turned out to be who they thought they were or who they told they were. Essentially I'm trying to challenge narcissism and hypocrisy. Because the only thing that I hated all my life was hypocrisy. I could stand anything in the world but not that.. I am always great at smelling hypocrisy. And who is a hypocrite? The mark of the beast. Because you goddamn loser (now my temper is going up) if you were truly a virtuous person then you wouldn't need to trumpet to the whole world, tooting your own horn, your own actions would automatically prove it. I absolutely hate people who use a certain preferable standard for themselves and use a completely different standard while judging others. You dirty mf, why don't you use the same standard for yourself then? If you care so much about the truth. Leo says that people who care about the truth are the best people. In reality, at best what I saw is that people care a wee bit more about the truth when it comes to others and turn a completely blind eye to their own truth because.... Well... It's convenient, isn't it.

I don't want to think of myself as a good person. Maybe I'm a good person who knows But I don't wish to walk in life thinking that I'm a good person.. Because it doesn't allow me to actually reflect on my flaws. It makes me feel like an angel but this is a farce. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Nobody is truly innocent nor is anyone an angel. I don't wish to angel-ify myself because that's ego defense in my eyes and an escape from self criticism/essentially self flagellation.

Do I genuinely believe that I'm a good person deep down? Answer - the answer is no. I don't think I'm a good person. Part of this is because I am sick of the word "good." I feel like by calling myself a good person, I am actually just puffing up my ego, it's an ego defense mechanism that is all. I have forgotten what it means to be good. I don't think there is anything inherently good or bad. Definitions of good and evil are very obscure in my mind.. Nobody is truly good. Is what I believe. Deep down we all have flaws we refuse to admit and by calling ourselves good we just sugarcoat ourselves to make our ego feel better.. A person who doesn't want to succumb to their own ego will find flaws in themselves and will also admit to them. Because this is what I fundamentally believe and this is the reason why I innocently call myself a bad person If God is great and a merciful God, will he judge bad people? The answer is no. God won't judge. Because judgement doesn't come from love. A loving God can't judge.. So whom am I afraid of if not God? Why should I be afraid of humans? Humans are anyway scum. So if im not afraid and if God is a merciful God then if I repented to God of my sins, won't God forgive me? It's only an abusive parent that will punish their children for their flaws and for having admitted to them. It's only an abusive group that will punish a person for being honest and opening up. A merciful person understands the value of repentance.

Do I genuinely believe that I'm a good person deep down? Answer - the answer is no. I don't think I'm a good person. Part of this is because I am sick of the word "good." I feel like by calling myself a good person, I am actually just puffing up my ego, it's an ego defense mechanism that is all. I have forgotten what it means to be good. I don't think there is anything inherently good or bad. Definitions of good and evil are very obscure in my mind.. Nobody is truly good. Is what I believe. Deep down we all have flaws we refuse to admit and by calling ourselves good we just sugarcoat ourselves to make our ego feel better.. A person who doesn't want to succumb to their own ego will find flaws in themselves and will also admit to them. Because this is what I fundamentally believe and this is the reason why I innocently call myself a bad person If God is great and a merciful God, will he judge bad people? The answer is no. God won't judge. Because judgement doesn't come from love. A loving God can't judge.. So whom am I afraid of if not God? Why should I be afraid of humans? Humans are anyway scum. So if im not afraid and if God is a merciful God then if I repented to God of my sins, won't God forgive me? It's only an abusive parent that will punish their children for their flaws and for having admitted to them. It's only an abusive group that will punish a person for being honest and opening up. A merciful person understands the value of repentance.

I've been pretty good at controlling my inner psychopathy. I have had moderate success so far. Everytime I do something or talk to anyone, I tell myself I gotta be honest about my intentions and not try to make the other person believe I'm extra nice. Has my psychopathy destroyed anyone? Nope. I have never been on a level that one can call destructive.. I think bpd patients might exhibit tiny amounts of psychopathy owing to how they were treated. They could come up with elaborate stories to seek sympathy etc. I have mostly been honest and continue to plan to live an honest life. That's the best that I can do. Do I specifically remember what I did that was psychopathic? Hmm. Nope. I don't remember a specific incident. But I remember people telling me "you are doing this to gain sympathy." and maybe sometimes they were true. I must have acted like I care about someone or people even when I didn't give a shit. I put all these behaviors in the category of psychopath

During this time period (which is little over a week ago but this time was intense), I frequently updated the journal "Diary of a sexually repressed girl.." I updated the journal after almost a month (because I was so fucking depressed), and this was my first entry on April 17th. The entries on the diary end on April 21st. And I'm not sure if I'm gonna be resuming. Hmm.

. .

I got increasingly sexual during this time. I experienced a intense dissociation during this period. This is an important symptom of bpd.. This time period was from April 13 till present (April 25) There was absolutely no respite, no break, no rest. I was acting horribly erratic. I felt abandoned and neglected and I felt like trash I felt like my emotions were used and mocked and I just left to rot away. It was brutal My emotional processing was happening in a very haphazard and chaotic way. https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/16-self-actualization-journals/?sortby=forums_topics.last_post&sortdirection=desc&page=1

I do it is this - I have always genuinely and deeply believed that I'm a good person.. In fact I have felt that I'm a great person. At least that's what strangers on the street have told me all my life. Also all of my ex boyfriends called me a great person. The problem is when I feel like I'm so great, this might potentially be causing me to overlook my underlying flaws?? I thought about this possibility a lot recently. So I thought the only person who can freely criticize me without any vendetta or bias is me. That's what I did. I decided to challenge myself to see the limits of my character and find it out for myself. This was a part of my self reflection that has only been possible recently. If I cannot legitimately become a good individual, I don't see any point or purpose in ruminating on self development. All of it is a waste and an ego defense if true change cannot come by. So I began to see past my good nature, to see if I can find something that might be bad about me. And what I saw is that I had manipulative tendencies. Sometimes when I talked to people I found that I was purposely trying to be sweet to them (most often I'm naturally sweet and I'm not usually manipulative but on certain occasions I can be a bit unconsciously), and I realized that I was just manipulating them so that they could be nice to me. So I researched a bit on psychopathy and I found that they manipulate too. I'm not a full on psychopath like a criminal psychopath but I at least share some traits. At the end of the day manipulation serves no one. I thought to myself - what will I do if I found the most wonderful man on planet earth who loves me infinitely. Will I lose him by my manipulation. That would be a great loss. I decided I will be a good woman to this imaginary man. I want to be the best woman to the best man.. And even if he is not the best, at least I played my role faithfully, I will have that satisfaction.

I am crying while writing this. Because this is heavily emotional for me. Some thoughts are not associated with this. So the whole thing began on March 16. I got angry. Super angry. I was very frustrated. I was in physical pain all morning that day. And I took out all of my inner frustration in that heat of the moment. I didn't care about anything. I said what I felt without inhibitions. And I remember it was evening. It was all over. I regretted it. Big time. I wanted to say sorry. There was no space. Everything stood at a standstill. I felt Hyper anxious. I was holding my head in shame. I was thinking - what the fuck did I just do? Why did I do this? Why didn't I have patience? The next 3 days were total confusion and delirium. It was March 20. I set a date of March 27. I was desperately counting every day, never mind that it was barely 15 days I had recovered from Covid. Then it was March 21st. I had an entry in my private diary that reads - this dude really..... I wrote about someone who called me a p radar. I was getting something in my tummy. I forgot about it later. Then the dreaded date came near. It was March 27. I also made a thread on March 23 on leaving the forum permanently. I was fed up. I was acting erratic. March 27 completely drained any residual hope and energy in me. I decided I had to move on with my life and put things behind. Then came April. I wrote about Giga healing in the first whole week. It made me feel better. But I wasn't able to forget this guy. He was still on my mind. It was April 8. I was diagnosed with bpd. It was based on what my therapist had hinted at me long ago last year and I had failed to pay attention to it. A person on this forum had also suggested that I have bpd.. I was acting very erratic but I was happy that at least I could put a name to my symptoms and not have to suffer uncertainty over my symptoms anymore It was April 10 and I was feeling very drained and depressed. My emotions were dull and flat. I think I was displaying temporary shock and trauma from severe Abandonment anxiety. The abandonment anxiety is what led to the diagnosis of bpd It was almost April 13. And that day April 13(13 is always an unlucky number for me, I remember a huge fight broke out between me my ex Joseph on March 13, 2020). So April 13, I had a huge fight on the forum. In the Society section. I was feeling heavily triggered by some comments which I felt were taking things very lightly. Stuff like trauma which is quite serious and labeling it as victimhood.. It was my own thread in the society section. I felt strange that day What transpired next was a chain of events that was utterly erratic and confusing thanks to my indiscretion and vapid sense of judgement and self awareness. So it was April 15 and I was already reeling with guilt, shame, regret, absurdity over my actions and apparent lack of inhibition. I acted recklessly. I felt like piece of shit I was desperate. I was acting impulsive I was scatter brained. I was all over the place. I was doing anything and everything to desperately feel better. I could have walked into a club, got drunk or had random sex just to feel better and stop the throbbing pain in my mind. I could have cut myself to release it. I was ready to do anything just to make it go away. Bpd bpd bpd....... It was showing up big time. This is the first time I was experiencing intense separation from my environment.. My emotions were in traumatic state due to the breakup a month earlier. I wasn't "me" anymore. I felt discarded, ignored, scattered, abandoned.

maybe-im-sleepwalking-random surrender mood-disorder daily-emotion-tracking-journal my-erotic-book

When I'm experiencing heavy emotional states, my writing looks scattered, separated and heavily spaced. So forgive me for the erraticness

Long posts. All random thoughts. Just write whatever appears in my mind.. Just whatever. Be frank and open about my thoughts. (it's kinda chaotic but it's useful to just put out there so I at least know what my mind is thinking?)

I think sex takes you into a different state of consciousness Not a bad state. But it makes me disconnect with reality. Like spacing out. I want to snap out of this. Yea feel good hormones filling up my brain. My brain is thick like a fog. Sex fog. Is this a hangover?

Exploring this Whats like to fall in love The universe give me an answer Maybe it means giving your heart and spirit to someone Completely and blindly trusting them. Thinking of them all the time Of course being attracted to them. Being attached to them.. Wanting them deeply. This is important. Do you want someone for something or do you just want them? I think whenever I fell in love, I didn't want them for some purpose but I simply wanted them because I wanted to love them and be loved in return. There weren't needed for any kind of gratification. I think true love is not based on convenience. For example maybe a person falls in love with someone because they sense an opportunity for a bigger house/ better stuff /gratification /etc. But that's not love, that was some internal goal fulfillment. Joseph did something like that. I won't call that true love.

@Benton ok

Three issues identified Neediness Insecurity Attention seeking Yes yes yes attention seeking....... Big time. If I don't get attention I feel bad. I feel worse. So that needs fixing. The clinginess and childish attention seeking. That needs fixing. Of course some part is uniquely my personality, my vibe. Not everything is a flaw. But I need to work on Neediness Insecurity Childish attention seeking Other things that need fixing. Disorganized behavior Instability Chaotic behavior No control over emotions These are signs of bpd.

@Benton @Adodd . How would you even know for whom its safe and for whom it isn't?

Awful.

Hope you aren't being sarcastic?

@Adodd because it could damage people.

@Thought Art of course. Damn.