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Anger is a part of bpd, it's something that will always exist. 5 emotional states that will dominate bpd Anger Fear, paranoid fears, anxiety Sadness and or helplessness Confusion Emptiness Emptiness Sadness and or helplessness Anger Fear, paranoid fears and anxiety Confusion Affective instability. You cycle between intense emotions. People with bpd struggle to feel in control of their emotional responses to situations. This is called affective instability. This is such a beautiful message. A message to me from a fellow bipolar member on this forum Your last message, are you not coming back here anymore? I enjoyed my friendship with you as well, I believe we do have some karma due to having grown up with similarly afflicted mothers, mine having BPD and me ending with with bipolar and you with BPD and a mother with bipolar. Switched a bit, but still a similar style in communication, albeit my mother is more responsible and less childish, while I am more irresponsible and childish in nature. No, I never hated you. I get angry with people, and I need to work on this rage - which I'm doing, but it will take some years to fully get rid of all the anger as it is hidden in places I don't always have access to - I surprise myself with that behaviour as it doesn't feel like a part of me and is sort of walled off from my day-to-day. Anytime I acted rudely, I was drunk. So I quit drinking, as I just can't maintain a normal attitude and have alcohol in my system - so I apologize for being too frank. I could have been more sensitive about it - I could have opted to turn the computer off and wait until I was sober, there are many options I could have taken that would have been better than calling people out when I am no better myself - when I still have a huge plate of baggage to get through. I'm happy to hear you found your diagnoses; it is apparently one that you can heal from with awareness and research. It def. wasn't secondary psychopathy, and you wouldn't want that dx anyways because there's no cure for it; and with it comes lack of empathy, of which you seem to have plenty of empathy. Good luck on your journey! Yes. It definitely wasn't secondary psychopathy Now I know what happens to children of bipolar npd emotionally neglecting dismissive parents. They develop ptsd and bpd. This is a good clue so I can help others with similar issues. Finally a full fledged clear diagnosis of my condition after millions of years in limbo. This is great. I'm not too upset frankly. I can work on this. I need a bit of emotional regulation. Strategies, solutions, coping mechanisms, management. I don't think there's something like a full recovery with personality disorders. But there can be coping and management. Knowing "why I feel," "how I feel" is a huge part of it. It's already a great relief knowing how I'm going to feel beforehand. Coping mechanisms 2 Just prioritize yourself better. Self love is a huge part of this and self importance Value yourself Coping mechanisms will run into different types. People with bpd tend to personalize interactions. It's just how their minds see everything. They bring a personal touch to stuff. Now this can be both conditional and cultural. However. Some people tend to appreciate a personal touch. Others look at "getting too close" with suspicion. So beware while dealing with strangers. Also what are the type of people that borderlines should interact with and what are the types of people that borderlines should avoid interacting with? Let's see in the next few chapters My explanation of borderline is a bit scattered and haphazard. Because I'm not fully acclimatized to it. That's why it's all over the place for now until I gather more information and then I organize it neatly. Right now the only way to explore it superficially (before I get into the nitty gritty) is to go about it just randomly. Once I get a clearer picture of how bpd works, then I can a very fixed layout Bpd terms. Fragmented sense of self or fragmented self Attachment related issues Abandonment anxiety. All these would be found in bpd literature. Emptiness Hollowness Emotional deprivation Emotional dissatisfaction Emotional deficit or deficiency. Hyper emotionality Emotional sensitivity Emotional safety Dedicated chapters Comprehensive manual of solutions Chapters 1 to 7 will deal with the general definition of bpd and diagnoses... It's layout and specific characteristics. Chapters 8 to 15 will deal with the nature of emotions and thought patterns and processes in bpd Chapters 16 to 22 will deal with strategies and coping mechanisms. Chapters 23 to 27 will deal with the therapies involved with bpd. Chapters 28 to 32 will deal with progress in bpd treatment. Chapters 33 to 35 will be dealing with the thoughts and random notes on bpd. Chapters 35 to 37 will be dealing with the root causes of bpd and organic healing Chapters 37 to 40 will deal with "living with bpd and alternative strategies and full recovery. I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me. I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me. I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me. I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me. I don't want to be with people who don't really want to be with me. Good riddance

The problems I'm currently facing that I need to conquer this year are — Depression Anxiety Panic Nightmares PTSD Rage issues due to PTSD Suicidal ideation Insomnia Learning disorders and disability Memory issues This is the list I had made on January 8 Interpersonal relationships are going to be very very tough in a bpd case. There is nothing to strongly dislike me So I just don't get it. But this could be me my dependency? So the treatment plan goes like this. I'll be listing symptoms and for each there will be a treatment option/options. This will be an organic way of treating myself through slow mind change. Relationships with borderline are very tough. To say the least. They have so many issues going concurrently. It's not easy at all A borderline feels hyper complicated inside. I just took a cold shower and while showering I had many thoughts about this situation. The journey is nowhere going to be easy You'll feel like a liability on society Let's take a deeper look at this. So the treatment plan goes like this. I'll be listing symptoms and for each there will be a treatment option/options. This will be an organic way of treating myself through slow mind change. For the sake of simplicity I'll refer to myself as borderline/borderlines Borderlines feel intense emotions in a romantic relationship. It's black and white, zero compromise, all or nothing. They're "difficult people" within a relationship What does a borderline look for in a relationship Answer - safety and security Borderlines can have both high and low self awareness Everything they experience they tend to experience in extremes. The worst way to treat a borderline is to ignore them. They feel intense despair when ignored. I do feel this way and I can relate. Borderlines constantly feel a feeling of emptiness that consumes their Iife almost. They are always looking to heal or fix a void within It's important for a borderline to be in constant touch with their emotions scan their emotions and then see or look for the reasons behind this emotion. This needs a better stronger relationship with the inner self. The most problematic part for borderlines are relationships. It's almost like borderlines operate on fear and paranoia. I often experience dissociation. Trust issues Borderlines experience trust issues big time. They simply can't trust anyone at all. They are hyper emotional and hyper sensitive people. It's almost like "everything hurts" Clear communication One thing that a borderline would love to have is clear communication The most miserable state for a borderline is the confused state So an ideal relationship for a borderline is where there is least confusion. That is..... The other person needs to clearly state how they feel and make it open and clear in no uncertain terms so that the borderline does not feel insecure. You'll need specific goal statements Example of goal statements You need to target each and every emotion or feeling you have and hold it to scrutiny. Basically its complete mind change or psyche change. Almost every action that you do or thought that you have is dictated by your bpd without you knowing it. Narcissists are more often attracted to borderlines because of their attachment issues.. Borderlines can act like little children very insecure immature and juvenile. Borderlines have Rage issues from being neglected and ignored. Borderlines have an extremely low self confidence self worth and self esteem.. What's an ideal relationship for a borderline Secure Trustworthy Loyal and committed (biggest thing that a borderline needs to not suffer abandonment) Loving Affectionate Intimate Clear communication Matured

I had at least one narcissistic and emotionally neglecting parent and a dismissive family growing up. I think I need to call this a borderline disability because it feels like a disability. You almost feel helpless. Now coming back to my bpd diagnosis. A lot of the times my symptoms share similarities between trauma and bpd. Like some part of it is trauma and some part of it is bpd. Not all of it is bpd though. Like when I'm angry it's both trauma and bpd combined. This is what my dream meant The thing about your family making you stay in that building to overcome your anxiety but actually its making it worse but they won't listen gives me the impression that you feel like your family doesn't care about your emotions and is never willing to deal with them, and you feel like you have to deal with your emotions on your own, and there is no hope of getting any kind of love or support from your family when you feel a negative emotion, making you feel completely trapped and alone in your suffering. Not sure if that resonates with you but that's what that dream makes me think. My focus right now is on dual healing. Healing from both cptsd and bpd. So I regularly get this same dream and I'm looking for ways to deal with this problem of bad dreams, also I don't know the significance of this dream. In this dream, I felt like my family had abandoned me. They have put me in a building at the edge of the forest away from the city. And there's nobody in that building except a cook and a bodyguard, the cook delivers food. And I'm living on the top floor. But absolutely nobody to talk to. The family comes back to check on me after a week and I repeatedly beg them to take me home and that I feel totally isolated and alone. They give me the reason that I need to stay at that place to overcome my anxiety and that's the suggestion the family physician gave them. I tell them that my anxiety is actually getting worse. They don't listen and leave. And I feel trapped far away in this place. The realization sinks in that this is how the rest of my life is going to be - alone and isolated. I wake up from the dream feeling drained. Let's see the general symptoms of bpd Self hatred/self harm It's linked to traumatic events, brain chemistry and family history. There's also something called as hidden bpd. One symptom of bpd is drastically low self esteem Constant self criticism or inability to take criticism. Feeling like you are a bad person. 2. Difficulty regulating emotions 4 major emotions that I experience Emptiness Anxiety Dear Buttercup, As a bpd person, you have to understand that you will never be normal. You'll never feel normal. It's just not going to happen Accept this reality. Yes it's hard not to be like others but at the same time you have the answer why you are different. I talk like her. I'll create symptom profiles like a set of symptoms under one category for example Symptoms related to rage Symptoms related to attachments Symptoms related to moodiness Etc Symptom profile 1 Symptom profile 2 Symptom profile 3 Symptom profile 4 Symptom profile 1 Feeling unstable Feeling empty Feeling directionless Feeling tired Feeling stressed Feeling emotionally drained Symptom profile 1 Feeling unstable Feeling empty Feeling directionless Feeling tired Feeling stressed Feeling emotionally drained Symptom profile 2 Need for attention Need for belongingness Need for acceptance Low self esteem Shifting self image Feeling a sense of danger Bad dreams Nightmares Anxiety Constant need for assurances Deep insecurities Constant feeling of irritation Clinginess and neediness People pleasing Dissociation Depersonalization Derealization Unhinged feeling Unstable emotionally Constant confusion Symptom profile 3 Hypersensitivity Easily triggered Strong sense of empathy Constantly looking for an answer Confusion regarding identity Severe anger and rage Feeling of panic that someone would abandon me Unstable relationship with no gap Huge Codependency Wanting constant affection Constant feelings of hurt Constant abandonment anxiety. Feeling of a void Feeling miserable Freaking out when attention is not given Afraid of cold behavior Feelings of unworthiness Like unworthy of love Very impulsive Last year February 2021 I was diagnosed with CPTSD This year its BPD I already have anxiety and depression and trauma

Twitter is a good place.

Quit porn. Take breaks. It's sex addiction.. Break it.

He would get angry at me and then say something like "I didn't take my bipolar meds today so don't mess with me." Almost like a threat. I was used to his threats. I didn't even care anymore He used to be surprised that I was acting so cool and nonchalant despite his threats. He would say "why are you not afraid of me, because you know I love you? I was just clueless

I left Joseph finally a year later in September 2020,because I discovered he cheated on me. I was permanently heart broken. This was a man I had stood up for through thick and thin I had almost given my life to him.... Only for him to cheat on me Joseph was a manic bipolar. He would have manic episodes where he would feel like harming me I patiently took all his episodes. I just couldn't see him hurt. He was on bipolar meds

Then a week later on June 17 he contacted me through some friend. I received his text. He wanted to talk to me. He called me And then a torrent of expletives. "you fucking b**ch, how could you leave when I needed you, im going to find you and kill you." And I said "do it. I don't care." Deep down I didn't believe he could kill me. Then I told him it's over already. I have zero interest. I am not going to put up with the whole jail thing. I got standards He was still raging at me. Tourette. I could not understand what he was saying. It became unintelligible due to his fury. He was in fury. He hurled a ton of expletives at me. Even his friends and roommates could hear. I kept listening to him patiently. I didn't want to hang up on him. But.. He did something next. He knew my weaknesses. My Empathetic nature He straight up threatened me... Suicide. He told me he will down the whole bottle of depression pills he had been prescribed. I was like noooooo. "Joseph please don't do that. Please. OK I surrender. I am back in your life. I am not leaving you." That's when he calmed down I think that is a good example of secondary psychopathy.

I think Joseph was a secondary psychopath too. This goes back to 2019. Joseph gave me a rape threat in the beginning of our relationship. He said something 'I'll find you and rape you and you will end up in a coma. " I laughed it off because I didn't believe it at all. I was very trusting of him. We used to live in Seattle back then. He often give me death threats if he was angry. He went to prison couple of times. He once punched a black man in front of his ex wife for interfering in their argument and went to jail for assault. He used to hide all of this from me for a long time. Then one day in May 2019, he called me and told me he was being arrested I was like "for what?" And he said he wasn't sure what it was all about. I told him everything will be okay. I could not contact him because he was in jail. I suffered a lot of anxiety thinking about him in jail. It was the absolute worst thing to happen to me. I spiraled out of control I contacted his friend, asked him to post bail, which he didnt, but promised me he would. I was a mess. I read his charges. It was Assault 4 charge and Felony B. Omg I lost it. I thought Joseph was hiding stuff from me about this assault and downplaying it. It was almost June first week. I hadn't slept for almost 2 weeks by then. I was losing myself. My anxiety was off the charts. I decided I needed to break up with him. Enough was enough. I wasn't going to deal with a man who goes to jail. He was released by June 9. I wasn't talking to him. He was confused why I didn't want to talk to him. It was my paranoia.

I'll assess myself. I have at least 1% primary psychopathy and at least 30% secondary psychopathy. Two reasons - bpd and ptsd. I'm the Richard Kuklinski type of psychopath. I won't hurt my family members or those that I love. Primary psychopathy traits in me I can be manipulative Secondary psychopathy traits in me The need for revenge Hate Irresponsibility Impulsivity Low impulse control Need to harm hurt Reactive anger Impulsive violence Self harm Harm to self - suicide, out of control behavior

So I read a little more on bpd.. It's not encouraging. Rather disappointing news the more I read about my disorder.

Haha

I hate people just generally m

Storing my random thoughts.

I have to eat dinner.

It's hot here like blazing hot. Will take my life. I am constantly rubbing ice. The heat is so bad that my body feels like an oven And I constantly doze off and fall asleep to deal with the heat All cities in India are hot. Like at this time of the year. Especially if you are living in a city the summer months are pure torture. I'm drinking a ton of water but it's not helping much I am trying to cool down. My body can't sustain this level of heat so I'm constantly Fallin asleep out of heat exhaustion Plus I have depression. That is causing me to start crying suddenly out of nowhere Struggles of living in a tropical climate damn

(chuckles wildly) When I'm with you, I feel like I'm sleepwalking When I'm with you, I feel like I'm tripping When I'm with you, I could forget my car keys When I'm with you, I'm in a different world When I'm with you, I'm in an alternate state of consciousness When I'm with you, I'm imagining the back seat of a car When I'm with you, I feel like I'm walking into the forest When I'm with you, I feel like I am daydreaming at night.

All these feelings I just can't hide. Nobody is as special as you are to me. I hope you are beginning to see Just how much I care for you, And all my feelings will always be true. I can't describe how much I care, But when you need me, I'll be there To wipe those tears when you are sad, To make you happy when you are mad. I wrote your name in the sky. But the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand. But the waves washed it away. I wrote your name in my heart And forever it will stay.