This response was awesome
I think you are perhaps throwing away the baby with the bathwater when you say you don't want to be attractive to men. Its not uncommon to swing too far the pendulum in the opposite direction once you've caught yourself at the mercy of a toxic pattern, whether it is something that you've caught on your own, or is deeply rooted in the collective. What I have found for myself is that I love being attractive for those whom I've got plenty of potential to resonate with, and I'm very content when those who do not resonate with me aren't (ax-murdering type, bigots, narcissistic type...)
I totally see the place you are coming from when you talk about suffocating from the social expectations, projections and narratives of what is the ideal female. During my late teens to my very early 20s especially, I was torn both between wanting to reach that ideal and feeling the angst of living a superficial life; one of objectification and pretenses. A life where I would conform to other people's standards but where my individuality would slowly vanish for something more plastic, out of wanting to be validated externally. Retrospectively, I know know that what I wanted was acceptation from my peers, and getting the adoration of the most validated alpha guy out there, so I would be feeling worthy by proxy. I just didn't manage back then to validate myself internally, because I had little self-love and self-esteem.
Up to this day, I see that a lot my friends from that time have been going through this sloppy road. I had pretty girl friends who were botched by age 25 because of wanting to be "more", using their bodies sometimes as commodities to further their position and have better leverage on men. Others are natural 8-9s, but even if not the self-aware/socially aware type they couldn't help but share with me the displeasing experience they had to be living in parallele realities where their thoughts, emotions, and agenda weren't perceived by the guys they were dating. Which by the way, tells me that it goes both way.
To me, it's clear that the reason why this happens is because both are into each other for mutual gains and they neglect the importance of having a genuine intimate connection based on authenticity, integrity, genuine compatibility, similar life views, interests and so forth. It is primarily based on survival. How they get together is often based on their biggest insecurities/neediness and the relationship is holding through codependency.
What happens in all case is that all of these people are operating mostly through society's standards and mainstream narrative which they fail to question in all their toxicity (aka, they refuse to un-do their conditioning and work on their trauma). They haven't even started a work of deconstruction and reconnection with their authentic self. Self-Love, truth and consciousness are often quite foreign concepts to them, so they keep on attracting stuff that do not correspond them.
Regarding being female, the most common narrative about femininity is that our value depends on our looks and how cooperative we are in subserving and enforcing the dehumanizing depiction of what we are supposed to be. And that is a huge trap, because if you operate through this paradigm you will be nothing but an empty shell who gave up its authenticity for security and conformity.
In order to avoid this trap (which punishes both female and men btw), the best way is to get to know yourself and put yourself at the center of your life. Not in a narcissistic way but in the way of self-love and self-esteem.
When I read you telling us about how far you've let yourself abused by this guy, I can't help but feel sad you've left yourself mistreated that way. People treat us the way we let them treat us, and in this case, you should have run for your life at the first sign of abuse. You should have clear and solid boundaries so you aren't likely to be fucked with and disqualify men as fast as possible when they aren't clearly fitting your standards.
If he makes you feel physically, emotionally, intellectually or even sexually unsafe, tries to get you to compete with other girls, mess up with your integrity, tries to diminish you, or try to push his agenda over yours, you should perceive him as a mismatch and stop it there. And this regardless of his status, good looks, or whatever skill he's got. A good benchmark for that is to keep track of how he makes you feel. For instance, each time you find yourself crying due to him that's a bad sign. Also, if it isn't "easy" and you've got to put a lot of effort or manipulation to hold the relationships, then it's a bad sign and you should call it quit.
On the contrary, look for a man who uplift you, genuinely feels comfortable with females, someone with whom you can grow. A man who is secure and healthy in his masculinity won't need to kick you down to feel manly and won't be interested in having an object girl, as his girlfriend. He'll actually be over the moon to have found a partner with whom he can bond on a deeper level and have intimacy. A lot of men are afraid of intimacy because toxic masculinity teaches them to distance themself from their emotions and those of others, but I think they really want a woman they can trust and who can love them almost unconditionally. A bit as per the love they've received or didn't receive by their mother. It seems to me like they always keep on researching it (consciously or unconsciously) and a lot the resentment that bubbles up towards women as a group find its roots on the feeling to having now to "earn" this affection.
What I've found is that since I've been on the self-actualization/spiritual path, and that I've freed myself (at least partially) from toxic tutelage, my life is weeding itself out from the consequences that came with it. I attract in general people with whom I am resonating with and we resonate well, on a deeper level. Also, my "unique" perspectives on things have made me quite the object of attention and it's not rare that I am perceived as high value by both female and male.
The rest, I don't care. I am actually glad those who aren't into my authentic expression have other fishes to fries because like this we all save time.
So yeah, for all these reasons, I would encourage you to assert yourself (while not overstepping on other people's boundaries, of course, you want to be as conscious, respectful and delicate as possible). The more you become genuinely healthy, loving, and conscious and the more value you have, for real. Develop your true unique self, the one that is hiding under the mountain of fake conditioning, and you'll increase drastically your odds to find the person who corresponds you.
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