Preety_India

To develop extremely high psychic energy. To redirect or spawn or forge a new path using psychic energy. I have to focus on my healing and put all my effort into it. Also I made a post earlier about developing psychic powers to remove negative entity and to stop psychic attacks. To clear blocks from the path and create a new slate. To redirect my own life path with my own energy. I'll call creating or inducing psychic energy as Funneling. And I'll call redirecting a new path as Forging. Funneling and Forging Another part is clearing blocks. Funneling Forging Clearing blocks

I have to focus on my healing and put all my effort into it. Also I made a post earlier about developing psychic powers to remove negative entity and to stop psychic attacks. To clear blocks from the path and create a new slate. To redirect my own life path with my own energy.

The first step is that I'm not alone.

Lot of things to thank Bill Gates for including my cute PC.

I think dear Ted made sure he carried his holy Bible with him to Cancun

A general disclaimer for people commenting on this journal. Anyone commenting from now on. most of your comments will be ignored. Because I've realized that there is no real solution to people being rude to you on the internet. You simply have to tell them off or ignore them. They lack decency and social tact and so not much can fix that. You can't force someone to be empathetic to your situation. So the only option is to let them run their mouth since they feel so entitled to do so. I've experienced both supportive and hostile energy on this forum. With the rose you get the thorns What puzzles me the most is the fact that when you know you're going to be a dick to me, why bother to let me know me that. Why can't you resist the temptation to comment when your comment is not going to be helpful or well received or simply hurtful.. Do you accomplish a high by triggering? Also the well meaning teachy preachy types who engage in subtle victim blaming and victim shaming in subtler polite ways, what makes you believe that your advice won't fall on deaf ears, or even that your advice is correct to begin with, why so obnoxiously self righteous? You think that you're smarter than a psychologist? You know better when you don't even know me or what happens in my brain? Are you an expert enough to read my mind I'm being a bit hostile and aggressive because I'm like a wounded lion right now. I haven't lost brain cells and my survival instinct is still operating and keeping me from jumping off, or else words would have been enough to kill people. So yeah God has inserted the primal reptilian brain for a reason, he is well aware of human devilry of preying on the vulnerable. I'm very vulnerable in my journal and journals are meant for expressing yourself. So don't guilt me for sharing my personal details here. I'm not entering your homes telling you my personal stories, I'm simply writing them in my own journal, which by the way I'm supposed to, because that's what journals are meant for. They're popularly used for venting. It's a therapeutic thing to journal and vent. You always have the option to not read someone's journal if you don't have a very positive image of the person in your mind. If you think that I'm playing victim, you can keep such perceptions to yourself, because your perceptions and judgements of me are far from my reality and the truth of my mind and life. So it's always best to keep your "useful" projections to yourself and not trigger me with those. Remember that when you say something, especially without evidence, you're always driving a narrative that could be harmful to me. This journal is not about your life but my life. So you twisting my narrative might give you a small victory but will hurt my prospects of getting any support. You might be wondering if I am so worried about judgmental mean comments, then why am I sharing my personal life on here? That's because there are also supportive people online. If I keep my journal private as in some writing pad on my computer, I lose the chance of letting people know my story. People who are supportive are necessary for healing. This is no plot for attention. If I get to talk to someone here who understands me deeply, it's already worth sharing my story. Being alone in your private hell is not a great idea. Getting support is absolutely essential to recovery. So when I receive supportive comments, it boosts my confidence and I feel more positive and optimistic. Of course I should work on my own confidence but getting social support does not hurt. It only helps. Some people read my story and have helpful suggestions to offer and they write me privately in my inbox and that's a tremendous help too. So there are obvious benefits to public sharing. All these benefits are not possible if I write my stuff in a private space offline. Plus I have the great option of anonymity here. Nobody here knows my full name or address and will never know that. So I'm relatively anonymous at least to folks here. (not that I really care even if someone found me out in real life, my story has already been here for so long, I don't have any secrets to hide, the only fear is cyber stalking and cyber security. Since I'm anonymous (you guys only know my first name ) I don't have much to fear or worry about. It doesn't matter who knows me or who doesn't know me. What matters is people who are genuinely with me through life. We are all here to improve ourselves and not to judge one another. So yea for all the ones who feel an extra need to be unnecessarily hostile to me, you can put your meanie beanie on, put your tail between your legs and after reading my sob story walk out of my journal just the way you came in. Btw your judgmental insensitive comments won't really bother me too much, I'm well armored for that, since I've had the misfortune of dealing with your types many times before. I've a keen sense so I can smell hostility and bullshit even from far. So before you even open your mouth, I will be sending you off on your way, im a smartass in that department. My defensive behavior is a result of my PTSD, if you didn't know that, and it won't subside until I'm healed. If you expect me to put up with your meanness and judgement, then you gotta learn to put up with my defensiveness in the same breath. Shouldn't dish out if you can't take it. PTSD victims tend to push people away so you'll more than likely observe that in me. I generally try my best to not get triggered and stay polite and decent as much as possible, but at the same time, my inner visceral reaction is not my fault, it's my only defense mechanism. Before you come here with your big judgmental preachy nose, take some time to read about how to communicate and talk to PTSD victims, tone and usage of words etc. Sarcasm is not welcome at all. PTSD victims are a bit hypersensitive because of their traumatic experiences, they aren't being over dramatic. Much of my symptoms will mimic the traits of vulnerable or hypersensitive narcissism. This is not that. This is simply me reacting to triggers. I've a hypersensitive personality from birth, im emotionally fragile and weak, it's just that I get hurt very easily, it's not about ego but just a trigger that reminds me of being unloved by my family. So don't lump me into some box of Narcissism or egoic nature or "too much ego " bullshit. I'm just hypersensitive just like people are allergic.. Also I'm an empath. There are different kinds of empath. I'm aware of the empaths on this forum (they are dime a dozen here, another reason to hate non duality) who even extend their empathy to Hitler and bullies. I'm not that type of empath. I haven't yet reached your solipsistic high moral frame so please don't gaslight me if I'm unable to have empathy for abusers and racists and meanies. That's not my forte, because I'm naturally an empath due to my suffering, I'm not the type who is jacking their meditation to artificially induce empathy. I have empathy for victims and I mean real victims because I'm well aware what suffering feels like, live in my world and walk in my shoes and see. If you had a cushy existence and didnt have the misfortune to suffer my scars, it's much easier for you to preach me love and "pretend trauma " from your ivory high tower. That language is to be expected from someone who hasn't really suffered enough. Trauma is a real experience of the brain and not a fabrication. So try to have a basic understanding of it and if you can't, then you shouldn't divulge into matters and subjects you're ill informed about Im not asking anyone to coddle me in this journal. Just asking to be decent and gentle. And given the nature of the forum its not too much to ask for.

So an hour ago.. To be frank this journaling helps so much in dealing with my feelings. This is my only hope. Writing over and over helps a lot. It eases the pain. It's a struggle because the feelings usually come back. (with PTSD trauma resurfacing is very common).. But writing excessively about it helps in taming the best.

So last night I had a nightmare, with PTSD nightmares are very common, and they rob you of your life. So with this nightmare, I saw a jackal like creature following me around. I felt a certain homesickness with my Texas family. I saw them. They had come to visit me in the dream/nightmare and they were suddenly leaving. My heart was pounding. Very hard. This jackal multiplied into many. It was very stubborn. It went and sat into a cat. I used a hair brush and kept repeatedly hitting this jackal on the head and it wouldn't leave. It was sitting on the cat. I was pissed off to the point of madness. I kept hitting the jackal and finally woke up. I felt sad that my Texas family got into a car and abruptly left without saying bye to me.. Felt homesick.

Given that I've been suicidal in last couple of days, that was kinda rude.

My another insight in my deepest suicidal moments (which I've had the luck of having many in my short life) is that people like me who feel tormented in life always had a shadow following them their whole lives. I felt this presence. Many times. Like a psychic attack.. Like someone is watching me and laughing at my misery.. People don't believe in demons and devils. But I do. I know there are paranormal things. I've been struck by bad luck many times. Even my last bits of mental peace were stolen from me at times And I wondered who could be behind all this? Who is the mastermind? This happened to my dad as well. He died eventually. It felt like there was someone who always wanted him to suffer despite his best efforts to be alive.. He tried hard to live. But became very weak in the end. He was unable to breathe. His body began to shut down in his last week on earth. And he suddenly passed. But he had put a massive amount of effort in surviving with terminal illness. His illness also gave me PTSD. I was very young when I saw him suffering. I was just 12 years old. He died a few years later. But within this short life, he gave me immeasurable happiness. He used to take me to the local ice cream shop, beautiful fond memories that I don't wish to remember. His tragic death spiraled me into a massive depression. Although recovered from it with some effort. His last words before dying were -"please take care of yourself. " I never really followed his words. I gave into self neglect and self destruction. There was nothing to feel good about a mentally ill tyrant mother and a terminally ill struggling father, there was no way I could grow up normally or happily. So the insight that just came to me was this. There are psychic attacks. But I believe in mind over matter. I believe I can change fate. Maybe I can psychically conquer these demons attacking me. Maybe I can harness some psychic powers through effort and use these psychic powers to change the tide set by the trainwreck of events in my life. Maybe I can manipulate reality. What if I could and defeat the devil. What if I could bend time. What if I could change things in my life with my own mental energy so that I stop getting fucked over. What if I develop tremendous psychic energy and stop all the negative circumstances in my life. Put an end to this cycle. What if I develop my psychic energy so strong that it fights hard against psychic attacks and stop its influence in my life. What if this devil is rendered useless by my psychic powers. Yesterday my mom called me and gave me a death threat on the phone. I didn't take it seriously. I told her to Fuck off. Monster woman dominating my fucking life. I want my psychic powers to change her mindset so instead of her hating and dominating me, she will start being benevolent to me. Maybe this is possible. I'm simply toying with this idea of developing a strong psychic energy that can control events in my life to be in my favor so that they stop ruining my life. One thing that I've noticed in the life of people who (like me) generally feel tormented is that they have a specific chain of events, I'll call it a train events that finally end in their death or suicide. Nobody pays attention to it. Often people focus on an immediate event before suicide. Most people assume that it's a single event before killing that is responsible for the suicide. This is not the case. Look into that person's timeline and history of life. There are many clues here and there at different times. The devil's hand is at every point in this timeline. It is never a single event. Trauma keeps compounding until the person experiences a burn out. It's a train of events, one bad event after another, that finally drives the person to the edge. Within the history of his or her life is a train of events responsible for making that person more and more miserable with time. It's train of events, one bad event after another in sequence that keep pushing that person harder and harder, until he can take no more. People don't notice this. Usually when a person is suicidal, it's not without prior warnings. Most of these warnings are often neglected or ignored. When a person says they are suicidal, they are not taken seriously, people call them drama queens or attention seekers.. Until that person is actually dead. Well.... That person was screaming all along for help. There were warnings. That person might have talked about their suicide ideation at some point. Their ideation was simply ignored by the family. Suicide is not a destination, it's a journey.. The person doesn't simply imagine some day that they have to be out of the game of life. They arrive at such a miserable point after having suffered tremendous pain in their lives, where it gets progressively worse with each passing year. Then the threshold is crossed at some point. It tumbles down rapidly from there. Finally they reach a break point where they jump off and it's over. That's how suicide actually works. It's a process, a sequence, a train of events to fail a person at every step. If this doesn't sound like a psychic attack, I don't know what does. People often sympathize a person after they are dead and gone. I wish people especially family would be just as sympathetic when the person was giving out warning signs and alive. A lot of difference can happen if people who are suicidal are given help at the first signs of such ideation. Suicide is like cancer. It goes through stages and then gets worse and finally death. If detected early and the problems fixed, many people can be saved from killing themselves.

Even if I had to die today, I'll die in peace. I'll know that I tried my absolute best to end my pain. I did everything to lean to spirituality. My only solace will be that I put a massive effort in being as spiritual as I could be. My body's journey might be limited. But my soul's energy is infinite. I don't think death changes anything much. In this process I end up writing my own obituary. Sort of.

I'm thinking about life all over again. I'm looking at the world through different lenses.. Through the lenses of PTSD. Everything is either aesthetic (creative) or PTSD inducing or just neutral survival. Just think about it. It makes perfect sense. Either everything is up or everything is down. Either a system upgrades or it degrades. What else can happen?maybe a neutral system. Either we grow or we age. Isn't this the profound truth of life? My greatest moments of profundity are usually in my greatest moments of despair. The picture of the world is truly Aesthetic /flourishing /creative PTSD Neutral. Either people grow /flourish or they suffer PTSD or they simply survive and go along life in a neutral manner. Either our environment is growth inducing/conducive or it is PTSD inducing or neutral. There cannot be any other colors other than a triple spectrum of these 3 White Black Gray/colorless Either we have white color that represents aesthetic or growth. Or we have black color that represents darkness and decay. Or we have gray color or colorless that represents neutrality and nothingness, neither growth nor decay.

@Arcangelo I'll talk some day.

This dude has a lot of toxic stuff in his obituary not gonna lie. He needed karma cleansing. His reincarnation will be filled with guilt as per Hindu tradition.

Whatever happened in Texas has sent me spiraling down further. The fact that my family there could be unsafe has made me extra insecure. My brother lives there with his wife and kids. This is compounding my already turbulent situation..

Why did you create me because I'm tired of this life.

This is the same reason why I fell in love with my ex. He first told me that he was going to commit suicide and overdose on his pills. I tried to comfort him and I thought I was saving him. That's how the relationship began. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to save him because I thought he would die without me. He would keep drawing my sympathy by telling me how alone and miserable he felt. And then he became abusive, violent and cheat on me several times, break my boundaries, lie and whenever I tried to leave him, he would get despondent and beg me to come back.. In the end I simply gave up and could take his mind games no more. And realized what a fool I was to want to save him meanwhile he was destroying my emotional well being all along.

I would have shot myself long ago. The only problem is that I didn't have a gun..

I've been suicidal last week. And kept on a suicide watch by family for 2 days. I started the youtube channel in the hopes that something good will come out of it. At this point, literally anything can take me to the edge of suicide.. With this PTSD, there are days that I feel good and there are days that I don't feel good at all. It's PTSD cyclic depression. This is my last try after which I will give up and commit suicide because I cant take it anymore.

Need to keep stuff here.

Still aesthetics Motion aesthetics This would be like an interaction. Connection. An example of this - a happy conversation or a massage. Another example is looking at a picture of a cat versus actually playing with cats