I will repeat a lot of the things that people said here and make a collage out of it to show you how this whole thing looks like and it's various aspects. And why such things happen.
You'll see it in a cascading form
What JohnD said
Without diving too deep, your mind is still split since you're perceiving 'good times'.
Yes. @SamueLSD I did the same. I focused too much on the good times. This is an error of the human mind. Since we love that person, we are more likely to cling to the good times and forgive the bad times. This is an essential relationship experience and lesson. Always put the bad times in focus in a relationship because the biggest clues to the future of a relationship are hidden in the bad times.
This I say from personal experience with the bipolar person I was in a relationship with.
What dflores321 said
You may not like this, but that woman is a reflection of you, look for behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you guys both have and you'll see what you need to work on to ascend.
This is a bit hard to digest but absolutely necessary @SamueLSD
I never believed this in the beginning but since the breakup with that toxic guy I learned to introspect and think why I was ready to put up with such a relationship. I realized that it was a lack of knowledge and lack of boundaries. When I looked further deep down, I saw that my boundaries were already broken as a child and I had no concept of boundaries. Today I have that because I've realized how boundaries can make such a huge difference.
What jennjenn said
Nothing is ever going to be enough. You can kill your self trying to do good by her and it still won’t work.
Yea this. You will always feel like whatever you are doing is not enough. This is a classic red flag indicator in such relationships. I was made to feel guilty. Even if I helped the guy and tried to save his life once, it wasn't enough.
To let you know he also suffered narcissistic personality disorder or NPD.
He would dictate all the terms. I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid that I would offend him even when I wasn't trying to offend.
I had to literally worship him and his ego and swallow all his emotional abuse.
look at everything you have done? Did she get better? No. but YOU got worst, you suffered a lot. And it wasn’t worth it and it’s never going to be worth it.
^ This. I did everything to make him feel good. I was with him 24/7. I had to keep proving my love to him. Did he get better? Absolutely not. In fact I was suffering day in day out. Was it worth it? Not at all
In hindsight, it was absolutely absurd and total foolishness on my part. I had this image in my mind that he is my soul mate. So I placed him on a higher pedestal and gave him special importance. I could not see him as a bad or toxic person while in the relationship because he was so important to me, I labeled him as a soulmate which was the biggest mistake
not knowing what the fuck is going on, thinking it's normal, that there is something wrong with me
^THIS. I always felt this nagging feeling like "what is going on? “ such questions are signs to red flags. And I blamed myself because he gaslighted me into thinking that everything wrong was my fault. If he was late to a doctor's appointment, it was my fault. Such indicators are absolutely important.
I was being constantly shamed for nothing at all.
I'm naturally pretty empathetic and caring, and holy shit I was so in love with her, plus it was my first love so which explains the attachment, why the abuse lasted so long and felt so painful.
This. I'm naturally empathetic and caring. I was so in love with him. I considered him my soul mate. You're saying that she was your first love, I was saying he was my soul mate. Notice how such descriptions actually end up doing more harm. We have a fixed perception in our minds that our relationships are unusually awesome because of the labels and descriptions we already assign them. Is the dynamic of the relationship worthy of such description? The answer is no. This is where the map of toxic relationships begin. With this very point. Toxic relationships are like a big map with many dots to connect. This is the first dot. Please notice this. Assigning huge value to a relationship already, puts huge pressured on us to continue, validate and maintain it. Had I thought of him as a normal regular boyfriend and not a soulmate, it would have been much easier for me to take all the red flags into account and break up immediately. But because my mind had a predefined perception of the relationship, I was too attached to keeping, preserving it at the expense of swallowing emotional abuse.
There is no first love,last love, soulmate, these are bullshit cultural/social conditioning that get us too excited in a relationship. A relationship is not special until and unless the relationship has proved its worth to be called so.
These days I say to myself that i won't call my boyfriend a soulmate unless he is really deserving of it.
I'm pretty sure my ex developed NPD by the end, I can't be too sure.
She was definitely a narcissist. Admittedly, she had ( I am not kidding ) on of the most beautiful faces I had ever seen, but the fact she knew that, alongside with her untrained BPD mind, made her ugly on the inside.
Being chased by boys and called stunning was probably the only source of happiness she knew once.
Yes this. He had one of the most beautiful faces. He was too full of himself. He would tell me how he could get any girl he wanted. He had girls liking him because he was handsome. And he felt validated by their attention.
The onset of the toxic behaviour was pretty slow, which is basically by the book for people with BPD. Lovebomb and lure you in, then their true colours show once you are already attached.
This. The onset was very slow for me. First 2 months it was very beautiful and heavenly. He love bombed me like crazy. I felt special. I felt completely lured in.
His true colors begin to show gradually. In 6 months he wasn't the guy I had seen on the first day. I felt like I was dating a totally different person.
NPD are very good at love bombing and generating trust. Later they start chipping away at layers of trust.
What jennjenn said
If someone wants you to sacrifice your well being and happiness for them, that person doesn’t love you. They might as well hate you and be your worst enemy.
Yes. This. You don't think of them as an enemy. But if they are making you suffer they are not your friend either. They destroy you over time.
We were both ( romantically ) lonely that's for sure, and lacked self respect so looking after the relationship felt even more important than looking after ourselves.
Infact, I could not distinguish between looking after myself vs looking after the her / the relationship..
This. This is another dot on the map. You're lonely. This condition is a primer to attract such relationships. I was lonely and needed love. So I ended up attracting someone who lured me in.
I felt like looking after the relationship was more important than looking after me. I was constantly trying to manage the stress he was creating. I had to be the sponge. I was slowly gaining weight and abandoning self care to care for his needs in the name of protecting the relationship
Your situation absolutely mirrors mine. Only the gender is reversed.
Sadly I absorbed everything during the 3 years, like an emotional sponge.
I know I helped her so much, she was in a rut before I came along and gave her all my love. Shame is, she could've probably used just about anyone as her 'source'. She wasn't grateful for the emotional torture I endured for her, and as soon as she felt ok, and became popular with a new group of friends, she left me without any remorse. After reinforcing the idea that we were made for each other and she could never leave me.
She still had the nerve to say "I still love you, I just need to work on myself."
^this. I absorbed everything like an emotional punching bag. His verbal abuse was non stop. I helped him a lot. Spent money on him. But he had no gratitude. I gave him all my love. But he was ruthless. He was using me as a narcissistic supply. He was lonely so he needed me as a temporary fix. As soon as he became a bit popular, he began cheating on me, I felt used.
I thought he could never cheat on me because that's what he would assure me whenever he would flirt with some girl. In the end he cheated and admitted to it shamelessly. But came around and told me that he still loved me and wanted me to hang around.
That's when I finally took the exit.
Before he found me, he was in a rut. I helped him get a job and a new place to live and helped him get rid of his addictions. But as soon as he felt better, he started cheating.
What Gili Trawangan said
In hindsight, it was very necessary for my spiritual growth, but it certainly didn't seem that way at the time. As others have mentioned, there is a reason this happened, you need to look within and find out why you stayed with her for so long. It's not easy and it will certainly take time to heal, but do know that it will. Entirely.
For me, that relationship was what prompted me to really start introspecting and looking at my childhood traumas and doing shadow work. Ultimately, it put me on the spiritual path as well. Best thing that ever happened to me.
This. This was necessary to happen @SamueLSD... Necessary for spiritual growth.. It had to happen for a rude awakening.
What jennjenn said
And you know, many people are raised with self-esteem. But others like us, have to go through shit like this first to know that we deserve so much better, because nobody deserves to be treated like that. NOBODY, not you not me NOBODY. if they have issues they should be responsible and deal with their issues first before they start dating and hurting people.
I bet from now on you will run for the hills as soon as you see all those red flags.
This..we are not raised with enough self esteem and boundaries. This is another dot on the map. So we have to go through shit like this to realize that we deserve more. If someone hurts you, they are responsible and not you, it's not your responsibility to cure their problems, but their responsibility to heal themselves of their issues before they date you.
Look at how Kanye West is behaving. People sympathize with him. But he is bipolar. He needs to fix himself before dating. It's not the wife's job to fix him. People gaslight a partner instead of telling the guy that he needs to fix his issues himself.
What Natasha said
Cultivate healthy self-love. You can still care about someone and still choose to walk away, because you have respect for yourself. I've done it before, and like Leo and others have said, identify early on and cut off before getting attached. Observe, don't absorb.
^this. Attachment is the key. Don't get attached too easily. It was very difficult for me to break the relationship because I was in too Deep, I was attached heavily. You can keep a mild attachment in the beginning and keep a window period of few months. It takes time for such pathological behaviors to show up. In this time frame, you need to constantly observe and watch the relationship dynamic closely. Look for red flags and learn more about personality disorders or any toxic behaviors. Be on the watch out. Stop Molly coddling the person. Don't think of them as special. Don't get lured in by love bombing. Stay alert and stay smart and maintain emotional safety boundaries like I do now.
Keep a watchful eye and screen rigorously during this window period. Such traits are not visible on the first date. But there are always clues and dots on the map.
Don't show empathy quickly. Someone here advised me long back - "don't be a foolish empath, be a wise empath." I now try to be a wise empath.
Don't waste your empathy on such people. Of course they deserve compassion. But we don't deserve to suffer because someone has issues.
Whenever I argued with my boyfriend about his hate and anger issues, he justified himself by saying that it was his bipolar. Meaning I'm supposed to have room for his issues. But why should I suffer because he has issues???
I don't need to accommodate someone and make myself suffer. Of course I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve love. But he can deserve it after healing himself.
What Leo said
A) You should have broken up with her years ago.
B) Make sure you never get back together with her.
C) You need to screen girls harder in the future and cut them off immediately if they are this toxic. You can't cure people like this. Cut them off ASAP before you get too attached. You need to be more ruthless here rather than practicing idiot compassion.
D) Raise your personal standards. Why are you dating someone this broken? Have some respect for yourself. Set stronger and clearer boundaries, and if she crosses them more than twice, dump her.
Leo is saying the right things.
I had to learn how to become more selfish and ruthless after my past abusive relationship. No more excuses. No more defending his bad behaviors on his disorder. No more giving room to people who want to use and leave me feeling stressed.
I should have broken up earlier but I thought I was helping him. That "helping syndrome" has to go away. There is no need to help someone who isn't trying to help themselves..
I made sure I never got back with my ex. I blocked him. He wished me on his profile on my birthday. He tried to come back but I said goodbye..
Leo is absolutely right about "idiot compassion"... He was homeless and I was being his helper and savior. That was idiot compassion from me.
And this is just another dot on the map, why people put up with such toxic relationships because they think they are helping someone. No.... You have no such obligation
We don't owe anyone anything. I had a hard time saying no to someone who needed help. He preyed on it. He called me generous and helpful. And he saw the potential to use me.
You can help people without getting hurt. Without letting them prey on you. If they are using you, it's time to be selfish and walk away instead of continuing to help. Because only you suffer. They will leech you dry and leave you or betray you in the end
You can't cure such people.
Just set clearer and stronger and stricter boundaries and let no one feast on your goodness or grace. Let no one steal your healthy energy.
They need to get help, not your job to fix them. The end.
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