Preety_India

I'll call myself a complex personality with an unhealed inner child. I will shorten it as CPUIC. CPUIC are difficult to understand. It's like trying to understand a difficult childbirth process.. We are delicate, fragile, sensitive, cautious, psychic, and naturally intuitive.

Both Elliot Rodger and Paris Hilton are examples of people who came from a bullying abusive family dynamic. We tend to act scattered, chaotic, often misunderstood and lead messy lives. Complex personalities emerge from complex family environments. People subconsciously get attracted to complex personalities.

Yay Finally. Achieved some of my goals on the forum. My forum presence has gradually reduced. I feel better. More at peace.. Within 20 days I significantly controlled my cravings of being on the forum. Also the change of my profile picture is a good change. It's attracting less attention than before. So lucky for that.. My greatest fear was attracting a lot of attention.

@allislove troll detected in journal section 12 mins ago. The troll opened this topic. quick-review-of-new-online-fax-services-from-metro-fax-lists @Space Mods please remove the above troll.

Maybe I should just stop talking to people altogether and retreat back into my introverted shell. I don't have the luxury to feel okay..

My journal might be of some help. an-unknown-entity-a-different-dimension

MCTB The Psychic Powers As to the “psychic powers” (“siddhis” in Pali), the texts list all kinds of special abilities that may be cultivated using the fourth jhana (or perhaps lower or higher jhanas) as a base, and these are attained today. These may include all kinds of strange experiences, including full-blown and extremely realistic experiences of other realms that can seem quite magical and fall quite in line with what one might think of when one thinks of various “psychic powers.” Whether or not these are “real” is a question that I am happy to avoid, though these experiences can be so extremely vivid that they can seem more “real” than the “real world.” Much more interesting than the question of what is real is the question of what is causal, i.e. what leads to what. For example, we might decide that our dreams are not “real”, but we must admit that there are real world consequences of having dreams. All this can be a slippery business, and the “psychic powers” generally don’t turn out to be quite what they seem. As one of my friends once said, “Yeah, I can fly, but just not in this realm!” Buyer beware, or proceed with care. On the other hand, it does seem to be possible through powerful intent, strong concentration ability, appreciation of interdependence and careful experimentation to manipulate what we might call “this world”, as well as those in it, in very unusual and profound ways. Yes, I am referring to such things as telekinesis, mind-control, reading other people’s thoughts, pyromancy, and all of that. The more you get your concentration and insight trips together and the more you look into the magical aspect of things, the more you will learn about what I will call the magical laws of the universe and how to use “your will” to manipulate it. However, if you don’t have your morality trip really together, and perhaps even if you do, I would be quite cautious about formally and consciously tapping into that sort of power. It is absolutely vital to remember that you will reap what you sow and that like leads to like when considering the formal use of such power. Kind intention is absolutely essential, but even this is often not enough to keep us from screwing up when we give into the temptation to formally manipulate the world in unusual ways. Power corrupts, as the old adage goes. Spiritual traditions across the board have a clear love/hate relationship to the powers, and if you begin playing around with them you will come to understand why. The stories of the Buddha demonstrate clearly that he and those around him simultaneously found them extremely fascinating, occasionally useful, and often profound. They also found them dangerous, a sidetrack and abhorrent. Just as with any powerful energy, such as sexual energy, the powers tend to reveal our true colors, as it were. When playing around with the powers, I recommend careful attention to how we define “real” and the practical implications of our personal definition of “real” for our daily life. For instance, you might have just come back from a retreat where you were playing around with visualization abilities, and a few days later see a troop of radiant angels floating through the walls and into your living room where you are entertaining guests. This was your actual experience. Whether you choose to ignore them, give them lots of attention, mention them to your guests, get down on your knees and begin praying, or run screaming out the door will have different implications for your actual life. These implications should be carefully considered when conducting yourself in the face of such experiences. On a side note, if you have learned to see angels, you will probably run into devils soon enough. As to the more manipulative powers, you might begin to get the sense that you can read the thoughts and emotions of others. Do you want to tell them this, or even act on these intuitive feelings on the assumption that they are correct? You might get the sense that you can manipulate the emotions or energetic states of others in ways that would be considered magical. Is this a good idea? There are no easy answers to some of the ethical and practical questions that can arise from the powers, but I would advise a high level of caution and restraint. Respect others’ rights and remember that actions done for other than compassionate reasons are likely to cause an ugly backlash. The experiences of the “psychic powers” can be infinitely fascinating, as anything you can imagine experiencing is possible. The powers can also lead to people getting really, really weird. If you want to get to know about your shadow side, this is one way to have a crash course. For instance, it might be very educational to have your relationship issues with your parents manifest as two large, slobbering demons who hurl flaming stuffed animals at you while you are traveling out of your body to the Grand Canyon, but it can often take lots of time and reflection to figure out how these sorts of experiences make a practical difference in our lives. As one Burmese man once said to a friend of mine, “My brother does concentration practice. You know, sometimes they go a little mad!” He was talking about what can sometimes happen when people get into “psychic powers.” Remember, most of these experiences are sufficient grounds for a diagnosis of mental illness in the conventional medical world, particularly if they begin to interfere with love and work, so seek the guidance of those who simultaneously appear to be quite sane and functional and who also know how to navigate skillfully in this territory. Finding these sorts of people is difficult but well worth the effort. Also, playing around with visions and other extrasensory experiences, such as traveling out of body, bi-location, etc., can sometimes cause one to feel ungrounded, disconnected, otherworldly and scattered for hours or even days afterwards, something I call a “siddhi hangover.” Exercise and focusing on anything physical can help, as can heavy foods, orgasms and simply not practicing for a while. Very strong insight practices with a focus on impermanence can also help to break up these experiences but are not particularly grounding in and of themselves and may often be otherwise. Strongly stated resolutions to not experience or use the powers can also be very helpful, such as simply saying out loud, “I formally resolve that I will not experience or use these powers (name them here) until I formally resolve otherwise.” I would suggest care and caution in dealing with all the visions and other supernormal or paranormal experiences which might arise in practice. The primary danger is taking them too seriously and thus assuming that they are more important than they really are. It may be a good idea to leave them until very late in one’s practice unless one has someone around to guide one through their skillful use or unless one is fairly balanced and has a good sense of humor about them. If not, they can very easily become further tools of our defilements, long psychedelic and manipulative tunnels to nowhere or destruction. I remember a letter I received from a friend who was supposed to be on an intensive insight meditation retreat but had slipped into playing with these sorts of experiences. He was now fascinated by his ability to see spirit animals and other supernormal beings and was having regular conversations with some sort of low-level god that kept telling him that he was making excellent progress in his insight practice, i.e. exactly what he wanted to hear. However, the fact that he was having stable visionary experiences and was buying into their content made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t doing insight practices at all, but was lost in and being fooled by these siddhis. You get the picture. Now, don’t get me wrong. If one is looking for another way to address one’s content and stuff, visions of things like spirit animals can be very helpful. The trick is not to mix up content and fundamental insight. “Psychic powers” can be used skillfully as well, and there are whole traditions that use them as their primary path. They can significantly broaden one’s horizons and are so interesting that great depths of profoundly steady concentration can easily be developed. They can increase the intensity of our “mental” processes to such a high level that they become very easy to see as they are, should we choose to do so. They can also begin to blur the line between the “mental” and the “physical” in ways that can be both disorienting and profound. When we start playing around with intentions, extended sensate realities and energetic phenomena, it can seem as if there are two worlds or fields of experience that interpenetrate each other, the ordinary one (“the real world”) and the magical one (“second attention,” “astral plane,” “spirit world,” etc.). Integrating these two perspectives into one causal field without artificial dualities or boundaries is quite a project, one with the potential to lead to very high levels of realization or to madness. It is the high-stakes way to play the game, but unfortunately seems to be largely unavoidable past a certain point. The experiences of the powers can help people live in the world in a way that is at once appreciative of its richness and yet not overly serious about it or fixated on it. At their best, they can serve as a basis for a very deep exploration of sides of ourselves that we rarely see with such clarity, particularly the territory detailed by the likes of Jung and the Shamanic traditions. Occasionally, such experiences can bring profound epiphanies, times when we see our issues and shadow sides so clearly that our lives are definitely transformed for the better. While this next point might sound a bit radical, there are good reasons to assume that we are all acting at what might be considered a magical level all the time and just doing it with little awareness of that fact. The best argument I know of for learning how to work at the level of the powers is to bring consciousness and compassion to a process that is happening already. Said another way, as we are already casting spells all the time, actually any time there is awareness and intent, we might as well learn to do it well. On the other hand, playing around with siddhis can bring up really screwed up stuff from our subconscious that we are just not ready or able to handle skillfully, causing “siddhi bleed-through” into our lives that is simply unhelpful and very hard to integrate. Actually, when playing around with any meditative technology, there is no free lunch. You always end up being forced to face some further challenge having to do with personal or spiritual growth, either then or shortly thereafter. There doesn’t seem to be any getting around this. If you want to cultivate the siddhis, one must generally attain very “hard” jhanaic states with the specific intention to attain these experiences, though they can and often do arise spontaneously as well. The Visuddhimagga and The Vimuttimagga (less encyclopedic and harder to find but much more readable) both spell out how to attain “psychic powers” in great depth and detail. You could also check out Bhante Gunaratana’s excellent work, The Path of Serenity and Insight. Simply follow the directions and explore, as they are as accurate it gets. One should also see Sutta 2, “The Fruits of the Homeless Life”, in The Long Discourses of the Buddha, for more information on all of the concentration states and psychic powers. While magical or mythical thinking is generally very unhelpful on the spiritual path, it must be admitted that it is the only kind of thinking that can make much sense of these sorts of experiences. However, know when to turn it on and when to shut it off. If you are doing Jungian psychotherapy, shamanic pathworking, working up the Tree of Life or through the Tarot, or similar work, think as magically and mythically as you wish. It might actually be very helpful. If you are trying to do most other things, don’t! While Theravada Buddhism clearly states how to obtain the “psychic powers,” it does not say much about how to use them, the benefits of them, or their dangers. Tantra and many other traditions (such as some of the shamanic traditions) do a much better job of dealing with these. One might also check out the later writings of Carlos Castanada when he was not so fascinated with hallucinogens (such as The Art of Dreaming), go to an ashram that focuses on these aspects of spiritual training, or check out traditions such as Ceremonial Magick, Wicca, Thelema, the Golden Dawn, and the A:.A:.. Note, I will use the word magick with a “k” at times due to being influenced by this and related traditions, as they advocate making a distinction between show magic (illusions based on mechanisms and sleight of hand) and the territory of the powers or real magick. Donald Michael Kraig’s Modern Magick is a classic on the subject, as are the works of Aleister Crowley. Opinions on Crowley vary widely, but buried in his frustrating works is gold that is hard to find elsewhere. Despite all his quirks and failings, I have a deep appreciation for many aspects of his work and the depths of his dedication to making meditation and magick accessible. It is also possible to use the experiences of the psychic powers, particularly the visions and traveling out of body, as a basis for insight practice by the standard method of bare sensate investigation with a focus on the Three Characteristics of those sensations, as they arise out of extremely high levels of clarity and concentration. These experiences can also be so otherworldly in content that our normal fixations and preoccupations may be left behind. Experiences of insight in these realms can be staggering and awesome. They are not soon forgotten. Tantric visualization practices at their best make powerful use of this fact. By definition, if you have visualized a 3D intelligent entity that is doing its own thing, you are in strong concentration in the fourth jhana and it is just a question of seeing the Three Characteristics of that to get some serious insight. “Psychic powers” can also arise spontaneously from insight practice, particularly at stage four, The Arising and Passing Away, and sometimes at stage eleven, Equanimity (see “The Progress of Insight”, below). While the fourth jhana is traditionally said to be the basis for the psychic powers, simply getting so strongly into the first jhana that you can no longer perceive a body coupled with the previous intention to have these experiences can sometimes be sufficient to make them occur. Get really into the jhana, leave it, resolve to have these experiences, and see what happens. Repeat as necessary. If that doesn’t work, learn to visualize the colors white, blue, red and yellow clearly as stable experiences and then repeat the above instruction. If that doesn’t work, find the rare teacher who will actually guide you into this esoteric territory. Better, find a good teacher before getting into this territory! If all of that is not enough, here is my best advice for working with the powers formally. Once you have enough concentration to get into hard fourth jhana with a range of objects and colors, here’s traditional Buddhist Magick 101 with some practical points thrown in: Make the bases clean, meaning bathe quietly and put on clean clothes. This instruction helps but is not necessary. Find a suitable place to work, meaning a place that is quiet and free of distractions. If you can’t find such a place or you feel compelled to do magick in less than optimal circumstances (such as in public on the fly), obviously skip this step. Think the whole thing through before you proceed. Never, ever skip this step if you can possibly help it. This step not only helps to keep you from seriously screwing up, it is actually part of the spell and a very important part of the set-up. Essential things to include are: what you are asking for, how to phrase it or intend it, being as specific as you possibly can, why you are asking for that, particularly if there is some more fundamental desire you hope to fulfill that you should focus on while letting the less important specifics happen as they may, exactly who or what is involved, and every single possible good and bad ramification of what you are about to do that you can possibly think of. Really take your time with this one, visualizing the whole thing out in time and space as far as it could possibly go. Note: if the ethics of what you are going to do feel at all strange in any part of your being, particularly your heart or gut, you probably need to go back up to the top and rethink the whole thing while looking at the problem from other points of view. Rise from the first to the fourth jhana. Build each one up carefully and fully along the way so that you have a good foundation from which to work. Those who can access the formless realms (discussed shortly) might rise all the way through them as well. Then leave the fourth (or eighth) jhana and formally intend to make whatever you want to occur happen, which is to say let the full energy of your intention fly without hesitation or restraint. If you are going to do this, make sure you commit to it, which is why the third step is so important. Let it go and see what happens. One last warning on the powers: doing these things in private is one thing, doing magickal things in public that involve other people is something else entirely. If you do overt public magick or discrete public magick, you are bound to run into someone else’s paradigms, values, and sets of beliefs about how the world is and what is possible that are not in alignment with your own. The potential for bad reactions from others is very real for a large number of reasons. Consider the long, strange relationship between the Western mainstream point of view and everything from witchcraft to crime-solving psychics. In short, if you do formal magick and anyone else finds out about it or thinks they were affected by it, be ready for the possibility of serious backlash and fallout. The formless realms are the last option one can follow from the fourth jhana, and they can definitely be very useful for putting things into perspective and sorting out a few details about “awareness” (as will be mentioned below). Before I go into the formless realms, I will digress for just a moment to a brief and belated discussion of... MCTB No-Self vs. True Self

@Yahya I've no idea what you want out of me? I'm trying to do my work in my journals quietly. I'm not a very wonderful person to be around and I generally feel shitty everyday. So I've no idea what you can get out of me I don't trust people easily... Courtesy PTSD. I stay introverted and protective. Because I see the environment as a threat. And so a lot of my responses are going to be defensive. Be wary of me.

He definitely wasn't panicking when he proudly dug his knee into the victim's neck Bloody Murder. And Bloody Injustice.

Is this composed of all the wife beaters?

That's how her body is programmed by nature Are you going to ask why nature is the way it is

Zero. A man or a woman are healthy even without sex. They are people who choose to be celibate and there is nothing wrong with them Sex itself doesn't make us healthy or unhealthy but it's how we deal with it. If you practice sex in ways that makes you psychologically addicted that's unhealthy. If you repress it too much, then it's unhealthy. But if you are busy with your career and not bothered about sex, you're not doing anything unhealthy. Also sex is not necessary to release sexual energy. Masturbation exists.

I don't owe anything to the world. Excellent. The last statement is powerful. We all need that person who is genuinely nice maybe in different shades of nature. But that person remains the same Exactly. When I told my family about their abuse, they acted like I was an inconvenience. I was somebody they didn't want to hear about Yes we want to be loved and cared for Yes. Just because someone is your parent, they shouldn't get to control someone's life. Yes never judge anyone.. Yes. Victims of PTSD and child abuse often end up with narcissists because they can't discern abuse from normal. They normalize abuse. Yes peace, trust and genuine love. I suffer nightmares too. Yes. I've observed, when you are weak and fragile, people are insanely attracted to that fragility, the only problem with attracting such a high volume of people is that a lot of people who want to get cozy with you, are doing that to exploit you and control you and not out of the need to show empathy but out of the need to control. That's why a lot of Paris's boyfriends tried to control her. A lot of my boyfriends tried to control me. Yes. This happens to me. My voice gets louder if I sense a threat or a need to protect myself. Yes. In almost all cases of abuse, people who enable that abuse tend to respond and pretend like they are clueless. Yes. We as a society love to cover up and justify abuse. But thankfully 21st century is waking up. Yes. Abusers are hypocrites. Useless rationalizations and justifications by stone cold people. Yes big time. MJ went through it all. They act like children later. I tend to act childish. Yes. The inner child healing that I'm working on. Yes. Abused victims often end up with sharks or controlling people. Yes my family is like that. Stone cold. It's like talking to a wall. I don't open up to them.

.. Yes. People often tend to overlook the deeper aspects of a person and focus more on their shallow aspects Yes. Often people see you for simply who you project. They fail to see the inside you. Yes. I often felt like creating a facade and an exterior that no one could break. But you're still vulnerable. Yes. Abusers are the worst hypocrites. What they say and what they do are two different things. Yes you're priceless. Your happiness is a premium. Sorry to hear about this. It's always the victim. The victims fault. Pathetic victim blaming. Yes. Me too. It stems from her horrible narcissistic abuse. Yes. As trauma survivors we develop a host of defense mechanisms. This is not a helpful approach. It backfires. You can't go after abusers directly. You can shut down such places but can't expect abusers to radically change. Awareness is the key. Shame the abusers. Penalize them in different ways Yes. Remember to love the self and be kind to the inner child. Yes. Hopefully we become more empathetic as a collective species. Yes my bf would often ruin things like my birthdays or achievements or happy days. These are signs of controlling manipulative boyfriends. Yes abusers and enablers have zero compassion. I felt helpless and betrayed by my family on many occasions Yes abusers and enablers are cold and narcissistic.

@Yahya it's in the video. Preety preety.

My voice changes from high pitched to low pitched to baby voice to vocal fry. This happens because you tend to constantly scan the environment and modulate your voice to fit in. Yes totally agree. I like animals as well and I trust them more than humans. This is heart breaking. I often had thoughts where I wanted to break free from my cult family. I disliked control. Thank you for this comment. Yes congrats Paris. I don't believe that mom either. Abusers and enablers are known to offer a false sense of security. My family does that often. Paris doesn't need to apologize. The family needs to apologize to her. Yes my siblings are very mean and condescending. This variables are often toxic abusive family dynamics. They do victim blaming and shaming. Yes. I also saw money and objects as my security. It's natural to stop trusting people and start trusting objects. Yes. As victims we often tend to mask our symptoms because vulnerability is not an option. And we are tired of being the victim all the time. Being emotional in public is hard to do given the judgmental nature of the public space. So people most often don't get to see the vulnerable side. Yes this was what needs to be done. Heck.... Just go go go go. Yesssssss. My siblings were golden children. I was the rebel. Haha and I was the scapegoat. Typical narcissistic upbringing. It haunts you like a dark shadow forever. But awareness of your trauma cycle helps. Yes children of narcissistic parents have to go through hell. They don't know how to say no. I didn't equate abuse to love. But I couldn't discern abuse because I was so used to being disrespected. Yes I wanted to be loved and I tolerated a ton. Yes. Abusers hardly care about ramifications and consequences. The coat of narcissism is as thick as snow. It's difficult for them to bend at all. A mountain can change but not a narcissist. It takes a miracle for them to even admit if they did wrong.

Yes. I feel the same. I'm fed up with being controlled. And controlling people shouldn't be in my life. Yes. Maybe I need to peel off the onion. Yes definite. My mom is cold and emotionally distant just like her. I hate this. People have this evil habit of calling abused traumatized victims as drama Queens because they haven't been in their shoes. It's no drama for the trauma victim. Yes exactly. I always keep my stuff close to me as a sense of security. And so anyway threatening this sense of security sends me into extreme chaos and stress. I don't need to apologize for how I feel. Obviously when your family is unsupportive and untrustworthy. Yes to be kind. Yes it's anomalous to witness that kind of strength. It's phenomenal. I was made to feel like an unwanted child. It builds up. Yes you tend to become a people pleaser. This also happens in enmeshment trauma. Her sister is quite toxic. Just like my toxic family. They call me insane after driving me to insanity. It's disgusting to expect an apology for being and acting like a victim. Yes. My mom is a horrible person. Yes it's not my shame. It's the shame of the abuser. Hahaha taking a vacation. What a joke.. Mental health doesn't resolve by taking a vacation. Abuse breaks you. That's the goal of abuse. Yes a lot of abused victims sadly grow around sociopaths. Yea my mom always took everything I ever said with a grain of salt. She wouldn't listen to my cries for help. Instead she would downplay my struggles. Yes. Learn to understand that someone is living in pain and don't judge them for their pain..

@RendHeaven I'm grateful

I completely relate to Paris's documentary because the same thing happened to me in different ways. It's uncannily similar and I suffer the same effects that Paris suffers from.. My personal commentary on all the comments. Yes PTSD can cause a scattered brain. Thanks for this comment.

I love her seriousness and magnetic energy.. Well Paris taught me a new lesson. And it is about psychic energy reservoir - a kind of energy that always keeps giving and comes from a source of abundance.. Paris is my new role model. What a woman. Ive also learned about energy communication or a communicating energy. A type of energy that communicates healing to the other person. Let's this "communicating energy " always repeat positive affirmations to you. Another thing that I understood from watching the Paris documentary is that my scattered brain (Paris suffers a scattered brain just like me and now I know why ) is the result of PTSD. There are two types of energies - one psychic and another vicious. The third one can be empathetic

Her empathetic energy is infectious. La Paris.

I'm thinking of Paris Hilton right now. I just finished watching her documentary. And I feel I can relate to all the childhood abuse experience she went through. She was barricaded threatened, caged, kept in confinement.. And none of her family cared, the way my family never cared. She developed trust issues. I developed trust issues as well It makes so much sense on the ethereal plane. On this plane you relate to people emotionally and spiritually.. And energetically and psychically. I'm able to relate to distant people empathetically. I'm developing my potential as a psychic. I can sense that Paris Hilton had a very difficult life. It was buried under her persona.. She went through horrible abuse at the Provo school and I'm glad she has opened up finally. I particularly like this segment where Paris is so directly forthcoming about her abuse.

I'm beginning to grow in ways I can't even imagine. I'm able to see what's happening with other beings on this planet. I'm able to connect in an ethereal sense. I'm able to see other people's pain and it feels surreal. A surreal experience.