Preety_India

Support Systems. ?❤️?❤️ Music ?❤️?❤️ Friends ?❤️?❤️ Youtube gurus ?❤️?❤️ Journaling ?❤️?❤️ Playing with rings ?❤️?❤️ Self referencing journaling. Talking to self ???? Drinking coffee ???? Talking to a psychiatrist ???? Watching YouTube videos and responding to comments ???? Journaling about sex ???? Art ???? Watching animal videos ???? Collage art ???? Playing video games or just games ???? Word salad style journaling. Highly expressive ???? Commenting on pictures and writing poetry. ???? Consumption of exhaustive knowledge ???? Immersion in inanimate content. That is pure content. ????Minimal communication with people ???? Cooking and gardening and reading ???? Imagining and visualization of characters ???? Stage Red Boyfriend ???? Collecting Romantic art and writing about love, sex and romance. ???? Venting and ranting in journals ???? Staying away from toxic people ???? Doing tarot card reading on Self and listening to reading of other Tarot on self ???? Positive affirmations ???? Creating themed Journals ???? Using visualizations and imaginary friends ???? Doing Metta meditation. Giving love. ???? Using religion, religious systems and religious groups. Community support. ???? Spiritual practices ???? Using acceptance and freedom

I created this diagram about a support system.

Often I deal with feelings of shame.

Mike told me to watch these videos

Mike told me to watch these videos

Dr Mike is awesome. I called him up today and he had a short chat and he was being very supportive..

Shame around men. In general I feel a sense of shame around men. I noticed this. I don't look at men, especially I don't look them in the eye. I don't make eye contact with most men I come across. I tend to look down on the floor when a man is having a conversation with me. Maybe I feel subconsciously that the man is shaming me for some unknown reason. Also I don't feel confident around men. I feel scared, sometimes mortified if a man is approaching me. I tend to get very shy and explode in nervous laughter and feel guilty later. My laugh is generally taken as a sign of confidence, meanwhile my laughter comes from fear and me trying to calm that fear by laughing.

My feelings of shame are mixed with two more emotions It's like a combination of Shame, regret and guilt

I'm taking advice from my psychiatrist Dr Mike regarding my issues..

I had this dream yesterday where I felt I was raped by a person who I offered shelter in my home. I woke up in fear At the same time I felt deep shame and guilt as to why I did this, how this was all my fault.

OK this dream was brutal. I had iy yesterday. I woke up in fright. No time to even write I had this dream where I felt like someone was trying to rape me. There was this guy sitting at a distance from my house. He asked me if he could come in because he was feeling too cold. I allow him in to my home. I offer him something to eat. Then he looks up at me with this strange look. Like he has never seen a woman before. I don't pay attention because there are too many things to do. So i go upstairs. I start folding stuff and tidying the room And then I make my bed and drift into sleep. I had this grey blanket on. After sometime I kinda feel like someone is tugging at my blanket. I feel uncomfortable like someone is pulling off the blanket. Something happens and I wake up. And I look around. And I can see that the blanket is kinda to the side. Like not on me.. I am in absolute terror. There are people around me now. House people. I feel a sense of shame. I just tell them that everything is okay. They go back to their rooms. Now my thoughts are darting to the man who I had earlier invited into my home. Did he do this to me? Did he pull this blanket off me? Did he simply pull this blanket off me or did he do something more? My mind is anxiously curious. Did he rape me? Because I am not naked So maybe he didn't. I'm paranoid at this point. With guilt and shame coming over me. How could I do this? Why did I allow this man to do this to me? Did he really do this or not? I'm in confused and under duress I wake up from sleep in absolute fear. End of the dream.

Fuck me h

There's a corollary. Choose your friends wisely, but choose your enemies even more carefully. I'll change this slightly. Choose your enemies wisely, but choose your friends even more carefully. What kind of people are more compatible with me? ? People who are non judgemental ? People who are strong and have the capacity to take my furious energy. The tolerance level of such a person needs to be very high and they have to be strong enough to deal with my flaws. So i need generous high energy high tolerance bold and capable people to deal with my flaws and weaknesses. ? People who are forgiving ?People who are gentle with me ? People who know how to criticize me without hurting me ? People who are genuine and sincere ?People who are humble ? People who are sweet ?People who are fair ?People who are polite ?People who are respectful. These are the people who I get along with most. I get both mentally and sexually attracted to respectful people. ?People who don't ignore me. Ignoring especially makes me very nervous and affects my mental health. ?People who are caring and supportive ?People who show tough love. These are dominating people. But if they are hovering over me trying to help me out, I kinda begin to admire their need to rule me. ?People who are very loyal

. I had to abandon my previous journal because I didn't want to read stuff posted by others. So starting a new one. Please don't comment on this journal. Disclaimer - the journal is not about anyone here. So if you assume shit, it's your problem.

What are the kind of people I should avoid ?People who Shame me ?People who judge me ?People who annoy me ?People who stereotype me ?People who ignore me too much ? People who show a general dislike or hostility ? People who constantly disagree with me (can't deal with that) ?People who are mean ?People who are disrespectful to me. ?People who intentionally or unintentionally misinterpret what i say.

The path towards creating understanding between two people is ?Look for "willingness and the effort to understand the other" both parties should be ready for this. ? Blocks in the mind towards communication. These blocks are misinterpretation, cognitive biases, prejudice, preconditioned judgement/notion, ego defenses, need to impose your perspective so badly, a narcissistic tendency. Party A gives version A of the story to party B. Party B is so narcissistic that they constantly change the version A of the story and misinterpret it and make it version B. The person should show the willingness to remove these blocks. Or else it's futile having a conversation with them. ? Showing understanding towards the story presented by party A. Are they being kind and supportive and non judgemental of your story. After knowing your story, they don't give a nod, they don't give a sense of support. Rather they are acting unkind as though it just doesn't matter whatever you said. Are they being nonchalant to the point of being insensitive? They don't wish to give a seal of approval. They are not showing any form of understanding, support, agreement, sensitivity, acknowledgement etc. No acceptance. When they are not accepting, they are being incredibly cruel.. ? Accommodation stage - here they should or are ready to accommodate your side of the story and make room for who you are as a person and your needs. Now they have respect for your way of things and they act in a way suited to your needs. They accommodate you.

? Don't hide your feelings too much this can again create a base for cognitive biases and misunderstandings. Resolve it right there. ? Learn to detect users. ? Don't be with people who have bad reputation when it comes to interpersonal relationships because they will lead you astray. It's like you want to give up smoking but hanging out with smokers. Will be much harder to be disciplined and wiser if you choose such people as company. Avoid people with the D star rating. ? Be around strong people who are ready to give you room for improvement and understand your flaws instead of snubbing you for your flaws. Because obviously they don't have time for you. ? Keep succinct communication ? Don't act entitled to others feelings. If they feel a certain way don't blame them for it. It's ok how they feel. They are entitled to it.. Don't get too defensive in this area ?Always communicate good intent ? Be with "mentor" type personalities rather than the "critical judge" type personalities. They are generous, open, ready to listen. ? Weak people can't become my friends. Only strong people can become my friends. What kind of people I should avoid ? Weak people - People who are too weak to handle my sporadic eccentric chaotic energy. I will become too overbearing for them to handle. ? Disrespectful /unkind - people who are toxic, who don't speak respectfully. People who don't value you or don't consider you important enough. Who use you. Who treat you like crap despite you being respectful to them. You see that you are being nice, gentle, respectful to them and they still are quite harsh, cold, cocky, preachy, ridiculing, breaking boundaries, guilting, gaslighting, harmful, not trying to understand at all, increasing your sense of unworthiness, ungenerous, "don't give a shit about you" type of people. Show "uncalled for" behavior. These are the kind of people who are going to contradict you even if you are right. They will make you feel bad for nothing.

I need to learn better interpersonal skills and not depend too much on light heartedness and reward tendencies I need to upgrade my people skills. To bring out my inner beauty, be with those who consider me an asset rather than a liability. Also be around people who actually make me feel better and not worse. Don't be with people who I need to ask constant validation from. Because they are trying to take away some. Instead be with people who already validate me, which cuts down all the fuss. Have few friends but really loyal ones. Or else don't bother. Don't miss out on people who could be potentially good people by being overly judgemental/dismissive /or defensive around them. It's an ego battle. Realize this. The ego needs to be shusshed. Be with people who actually show a certain liking for you. If you sense dislike, then it's already on a bad track. It's not going to mend. Because there are biases there no matter what you do, those biases will keep erupting disrupting the whole situation. So be careful about people who are dismissive or show general dislike. What else do I need to take care of? ♟ Be careful with boundaries. Don't set too strict boundaries. Also don't have zero boundaries. Set proper boundaries. This can be a tricky area. Sure work on your inter personal skills. ♟ A lot of stuff with making friends can be a very tricky ground. So beat yourself up if things don't work out. It's not always your fault. ♟ Test the other person's level of respect for you. ♟ Also learn to respect and understand other's humanness. Because they will obviously show normal regular human nature flaws. Give them the room to be as human as possible. ♟ Don't act too needy. It always causes repulsion. ? Don't try too hard to impress because remember even if it worked, it's still unnecessary to do that. You just don't have to. If someone admires you, they will always be with you. Impressing others leaves more room for them to misuse you and take you for granted and treat you badly. They need to feel a certain level of formidability around you or it won't work. You will end up a doormat. ? Try to understand how that person is perceiving you. Don't rely on your own imaginations of what that person is doing to you. Maybe they aren't perceiving you the way you are actually imagining it. This can create a huge number of clashes.

@Raphael I will try to not be defensive. But it's a hard area for me.

I need to learn better interpersonal skills and not depend too much on light heartedness and reward tendencies I need to upgrade my people skills. To bring out my inner beauty, be with those who consider me an asset rather than a liability. Also be around people who actually make me feel better and not worse. Don't be with people who I need to ask constant validation from. Because they are trying to take away some. Instead be with people who already validate me, which cuts down all the fuss. Have few friends but really loyal ones. Or else don't bother. Don't miss out on people who could be potentially good people by being overly judgemental/dismissive /or defensive around them. It's an ego battle. Realize this. The ego needs to be shusshed. Be with people who actually show a certain liking for you. If you sense dislike, then it's already on a bad track. It's not going to mend. Because there are biases there no matter what you do, those biases will keep erupting disrupting the whole situation. So be careful about people who are dismissive or show general dislike.

This journal is going to take me into the darker parts of my self. It will be similar to shadow work in a non technical sense. The darker sides of my personality that I never got the opportunity to fully explore. But these same aspects and sides deep down were responsible for a lot of wrong decisions. Maybe there is something down there deep inside of me that wants to speak up.

Maybe I should not be too defensive.

Just be with someone that makes you feel better. That's all. No expectations.

Derek really wants me to be very docile and submissive. There is this social pressure factor.

What about Derek? Derek is a guy who wants the best for me but isn't exactly loving. A tamer of wild tendencies.