Preety_India

Being a bathroom girl I always remember sitting in the corner of a bathroom as a child. That was my favorite place of comfort.. These days whenever I look at images online of anime girl sitting and crying in a corner, it reminds me of my childhood days. I remember crawling up in a small corner of my house or the bathroom and sitting there for hours not wanting to listen to my parents fighting I would still hear her loud yelling at my dad. It was cruel.. It used to make me very anxious. My mother was/is a very extrovert although she suffered from anxiety just like me (I genetically inherited anxiety from her bloodline) her extroversion helped her to get over her anxiety. She used to yell at people. She had this gangsterish attitude and I was her introverted submissive child. So she was extremely unhappy with me. Because I didn't turn out like her. I was her total polar opposite. She being ruthless, extrovert, domineering and gangsta demanding person and me being gentle, shy, soft, introverted, frightened child. This wasn't going to work and I didn't. She began to resent me a lot. She saw me as a very fragile girl who is too weak for anything in life This meant that I was a problem child for her. I was a burden. I wasn't confident enough. Too shy. Too introverted. In any other circumstance, I would have been considered an ideal child by any parent. For being obedient, delicate, submissive and easy to handle. I would literally obey as a child. To my teachers I was the best kid they could ever have. But this was not to be the case with my mother. She did not see me that way. She was this Tiger Tyrant narcissistic Mother. She wanted an extroverted kid. In this circumstance, I was a liability, a danger, a burden, a weak girl who needs to be cared for. And that she wasn't doing to do So she would ruthlessly attack me verbally, physically. Control me non stop. She would go on a rampage with her verbal insults. Some of her insults were imaginary because they didn't make any sense. She saw in me what she saw in my dad She considered my dad weak sauce. Because he was soft, polite, gentle, shy, introverted. Although he did not have social anxiety, he was very introverted and shy as a person. He would rarely talk and generally very decent and passive. I inherited the worst set of genetics from both my parents (at least in my mother's opinion) I had introversion of my father and the social anxiety of my mother. Perfect combination. This made me very vulnerable as a child. She resented my dad, considered him passive and weak, too nice for her and therefore he was good for nothing to her. She was violent and abusive to my dad She would harass my dad relentlessly every day. Control him. Boss him 24/7. He wouldn't put up a fight. He would silently sit in a corner listening to her daily rampage of abuse and insults. She is bipolar and that shows up perfectly in her violent moods. Needless to say, this scenario didn't help me as a child. My anxiety would skyrocket listening to her abuses and loud yelling. I would run to my bathroom and sit there alone, crying and very terrified of my mother.. She represented such terror that I never felt I could confront her. My anxiety would get worse. My heart would always beat at a very high rate whenever I was at home, especially around my mom. I would escape. I would play with cats. Or I would play with marbles and talk to these marbles. I would block out HER INSANE VERBAL GARBAGE. In a Western society or setting , if a child did drugs, was too loud, noisy, brazen, arrogant, and angry, they would normally send such a disobedient child to a rehab or boarding. My case was entirely opposite. As per Western standards, I would have been considered an ideal child. But not to my Indian mother. To my Indian mother, me being shy and introverted and obedient was a sign of terror. It meant I WAS TOO WEAK. It meant that I deserved to be aborted I meant I was DISABLED AND THEREFORE UNFIT

I remember sitting alone in college. I would sit all alone in the college classroom. I think it's called middle school in other countries. It's called college in my country. I'm not so sure about this. But the thing we attend after finishing high school in my country is called college. So i used to sit alone at my desk in the class. Whereas everyone would sit with their friends.. I would generally choose a far corner in the class to sit. I didn't want people to look at me. But people would still look at me. Because of my awkwardness I actually became the center of attention even when it was against my will. It was pure torture for a person with deep social anxiety Because in the classroom I wanted to avoid people as much as possible. But they wouldn't avoid me. There was something about my gentle nature that people were strongly attracted to me. It was very paradoxical because I wasn't responsible for all the attention they were giving me. And the attention was kinda detrimental to my anxiety. It only made things worse. I had absolutely no friends in college. None at all Because nearly everyone around me was an extrovert, I became like a caricature and a target of their ruthless attention and examination. An extrovert has a magnetic attraction towards an introvert So even if I decided to hide under a table, they would still find me and look at me. It was embarrassing

I have very high social anxiety and it's very embarrassing to talk about it generally. Because the whole world around me is extroverted? Then who will accept me???? I never talked to anyone in school. I was super shy. The teachers called my parents to my school to ask them if there was a problem with me because everyone around me was talking except me.. I used to be in my own world. This journal is also my way of being in my own world.. This continued till the age of 15. I had my first friend at the age of 15. It didn't last long because I didn't know what to even talk about. Then I could never make friends because I could not talk much beyond a few sentences. I was always afraid around large crowds. I would avoid parties and events because I would be scared to be there.. Just this visceral fear of being around people. I would get hot flashes, hot cold skin, dizzy feeling, cold feet, palpitations, heart pounding out of my chest, trembling and then I would simply disappear and go home. I wasn't able to even stand next to people. I had my first boyfriend and I remember him being a total extrovert. I never attracted introverts. Because I was myself an introvert. An introvert wouldn't approach me. I wouldn't approach. Then who will do the approaching? So every boyfriend I ever had was an extrovert. Because they would do the approaching. I would simply accept.

So some of my introversion is cured by journaling. At least I came this far in terms of self expression. Without this journal, I would have always existed like a mute doll or a statue. In real life, I never talked to anyone, except my boyfriends. And even with them, they were always talking more than me. It usually happens that I have a verbal conversation with a male, and slowly they take over, they begin to talk over me and in the end its they who keep doing the talking and I am just reduced to a listener. I don't fight it. Because I'm weak at that I can't take over conversations. I simply sit at a table and let the other person talk. I can't lead conversations. I also don't look into people's eyes. I look down or I look around when they talk to me.

So some of my introversion is cured by journaling. At least I came this far in terms of self expression. Without this journal, I would have always existed like a mute doll or a statue. In real life, I never talked to anyone, except my boyfriends. And even with them, they were always talking more than me. It usually happens that I have a verbal conversation with a male, and slowly they take over, they begin to talk over me and in the end its they who keep doing the talking and I am just reduced to a listener. I don't fight it. Because I'm weak at that I can't take over conversations. I simply sit at a table and let the other person talk. I can't lead conversations. I also don't look into people's eyes. I look down or I look around when they talk to me.

I have issues with the modern world of digital and offline/online communication. I am not a party person. I like simple hangouts at a cafeteria or a park. Just that I have to be direct about these things just like I'm direct about anything else. I am a fiercely private person. Although it appears that I'm so much public with all aspects of my life, I'm not a social media savvy person, I am just too expressive which is often misconstrued as attention seeking. I like to express a lot. I'm quiet when I'm around people and I don't speak much but when I write, I write a lot. I'm just a writer at heart. I have always been writing and keeping diaries since I was a kid. I don't mind people reading my stuff because it doesn't matter what they know or don't know about me. It's not like I am going to meet them anyway.. I am shameless in that regard. I don't hold any barriers to self expression. Because I don't do the whole social thing I'm an extreme introvert. So my preferred communication is always going to be indirect. Like I am not a very chatty person. Nor am I quick to open up about something that is inside of me. The journal is a medium of finding peace with my introversion.. I like to imagine that I have an audience that reads my journal and I write to them. And that is all the communication I need. One of the reasons why I tend to journal so excessively is because I feel terribly lonely as an introvert.. So writing privately is not going to help with my loneliness. It's like talking to a wall, will only make me more lonely. But If I imagine that there is a mute audience that is ready to listen to me, it helps, it doesn't feel like I'm talking to a wall. It feels like at least I'm talking to someone. So my loneliness is slightly cured that way. One of the reasons why I even started the YouTube channel. I wanted to speak to whoever is ready to listen. It doesn't matter "who" that is who is doing the listening. I'm such an introvert that I'll never open up privately with a friend like this. Maybe I will never tell them my deepest feelings. I'm the sort of person who will not talk much at a party or in the house but silently go and write everything in my private diary and keep it somewhere around the house. The one who reads it will know my heart and mind. The one who doesn't bother to read it doesn't need to know me. Because I can't do the whole extroverted thing of explaining oneself to people the way extroverts do. I just can't do that. My heart and mind are not simply not designed that way. My ex(Joseph) was a total extrovert. He would be very chatty and talkative and I was the listener. He helped me a little bit to pull me out of my introverted misery. Although I still sucked and wouldn't open up about my issues or deeper feelings to him. I would keep my doubts and feelings to myself. He was very openly chatty, social and talkative.. He would talk 24/7 non stop sometimes overwhelming a socially anxious person like me. It was tough to be around him because I would be mostly silent half the time. I would sometimes speak up but he would talk over me and shut me down. I was not good at expressing my thoughts and emotions with him. That caused him to have a ton of misunderstanding about me. If I didn't speak up, he would think that I'm insensitive. But I wasn't insensitive. I just was awkward and didn't know how to express correctly or confidently.

I like the old style of communicating. Through letters. The problem is that I am not going to physically write letters. That's cumbersome in this day and age. I prefer short text or long text because that's the closest I can come to a letter. I am not generally very verbose as is visible in my communication format and writing style. I don't make very long complicated, highly articulated, verbose, jargony (I know Leo used this word) kind of statements or sentences. Just not my cup of tea. I'm too simple for that. I'm also incapable of it. I lack this skill of using highly articulated complex convoluted language.. I know I suck at articulation. I will probably always suck at it I'm an INTP and Leo is an INTP. In many ways my communication is very similar to his. He likes to be succinct and direct. He doesn't write verbose poetic lines. I don't do it either. Not saying that anything is wrong with it. But I don't want to put things in a way where other people find it difficult to understand. Why make it unnecessarily complicated when you can say the same thing in simple ways??? I'm not some Noble Laureate of Literature nor do I wish to become something like that. I like writing a lot. But it shouldn't mean that I should be some great complex highly talented Literary figure for it. I can still write in simple ways. I like an elegant structure to writing, simple fluent, direct, succinct, easy vocabulary, short lines and simplest ways of describing complex concepts and emotions. My lines are usually pointed, short, and to the point, not too long and short enough to convey the message. I don't like to complicate things in expression. Because I'm not here to sit and write a novel. I'm just writing a fucking journal which means an honest moment to moment description of my life, emotions and who I am. I like and prefer simplicity both in communication and in life.

A social media whore. Or whoring for social attention. I think whenever I look at people putting their selfies on Instagram or Facebook and getting a million likes, I kinda frankly get disgusted at all this social media whoring. I am not a fan of such things. I have no social media except some communication mediums. These communication mediums I only use for interpersonal or person to person communication. I don't use anything much at all. I'm socially shy and the whole social media thing looks incredibly stressful and overwhelming to me. It also looks kinda disgusting because to me it's like narcissistic. Although not pure narcissism (since narcissism is an umbrella term) it is still somewhat self aggrandizing. It just comes across as very fake, cheap, shallow and disingenuous to me. I like to keep things private and simple.

The only few emojis that I ever use is a basic smile, smile with heart eyes, thumbs up. I don't like to use all the complicated emojis. I keep my communication simple. Direct and supple. That's why I don't like modern technology. Because it has definitely made access easier, for example I can easily contact someone in Japan, however it has made communication difficult. Because of all these extensive use of modern metaphors for which you have to be socially adept to really understand them. I'm not socially adept.

I'm sort of a primitive person when it comes to modern language and social media and technology. Technology not in the sense of installing and downloading.That I know obviously. I'm not that illiterate. Technology in the sense, like all these emojis and what not. Although I'm born in the modern generation, I'm still not very used to all this. I rarely use emojis. I barely know what emoji means what. Sometimes some people use some emoji and I'm left clueless as to what that means. I get confused a lot. I try to use very primitive ways of communicating which is just simple words and not much slang and jargon. I am so simple. Honestly I don't like all the modern usage of expression full of memes and jargon and GIFs. It is funny sometimes. But I don't fit well into it. It find it very non verbal, non direct and sort of ambiguous covert sort of communication which can interpreted in so many different ways. Sorry but I don't have time to decode some complex joke, some ambiguous Meme. Nor do I have the brain to understand complex jokes. I don't like the lack of simplicity in such communication. Often times my ex would use complicated slang language and jokes which were American jokes. How am I supposed to understand them as an Indian. I usually get pissed off when someone uses a lot of slang, metaphors, ambiguous terms. It's so non direct and creates unnecessary confusion.. I wish people were more direct and not acting so superficial and hyper complicated. I really don't get along with that. I'm just a very simple primitive woman. I don't like all these modern features. They take the simplicity away.

There are many aspects here to unpack. Topics to ponder on for the next week. What has social media and technology destroyed in terms of genuine connection and friendships?

What are my thoughts on genuine friendships? You don't have to prove something. Wanting someone to prove something is selfishness.. I think these are the elements that make up a genuine friendship Appreciation Kindness Humility Acceptance Belongingness Liking. Liking someone is the greatest gift you can give to a person. Because that makes them feel loved Connection Respect Consideration Resonance and empathy Compassion Understanding(understanding their flaws) Emotions. Love for the person. (not romantic kind of love) Humanity Honor their presence as well as absence. Sacred Element I'm looking at genuine friendships in a very spiritual angle.

I don't like the transactional nature of friendships Which is all about give and take. I find it very business minded.

This means a lot to me. Thank you.

The most hilarious incident of my life in recent times. A story of a crush gone horribly hilarious. So this happened recently. We both are in our 20s. This guy approached me online on a website. It was like a forum. He was an Irish guy. In the beginning we had great conversations. Ranging from any topic like politics to social things. I had been friends with him for 2 weeks. I barely knew him. I only knew that he was Irish and my age. In hindsight he probably had a crush on me. So he sends me lots of cute messages and voice messages telling me that he admires me so much I was like cool..... I'm just nonchalant... I have no clue what is going on in his mind. Since it's text messaging format, I have no clue what's going on with the person on the other end. Like what mood they are in. So i Just assume that he wants me as a good friend.. He was from Ireland and his name was Seth. Then he suddenly started asking me about his looks I prefer to be a bit non discriminatory about judging looks (I'm the worst person to ask an opinion on looks because my opinion is always the same - you look handsome /you look beautiful. it's just me being generous in throwing praise) So i didn't say much in the beginning when he was sending me pictures. They were simple pictures in the beginning just showing his face or shirt. It was innocent. I didn't react much and I would generally change the subject. He then started sending pics of him, shirtless. Now I was a bit nervy. We used to have very humorous conversations and I thought this was a part of his humor. He began to ask me what I thought about his looks. Well, for one thing, he had this black bar or strip censoring his eyes in every pic. I couldn't get a proper view of his face and eyes.. So I told him that for me to have an honest opinions on his looks I should at least be able to see him clearly. Then he sent me pics without it. I told him that he looks good. I don't know what ran through his mind, but I paid him only an innocent compliment as a friend. He probably took it as a sign that I might like him. After a few days, we had an argument over something, and he asked me if I loved him. And I said no. And I told him that I was just a friend.. He took it to heart. And he was kinda gloomy. I wasn't able to read his signs well. It's online communication. So it's tough. So I told him that he is like my brother and he can always ask me about anything he wants and I would be glad to help. At which point he was really pissed. And he said that he wanted me as a lover and not as a sister. And I said that I can't do that. He wasn't able to process this well. And he got mad. He threw a fit. Said a bunch of things to me. I was taken by surprise. And then became the biggest surprise. He sent me a message saying "I love you Preety" through another account within minutes. And I wasn't really grasping what was going on. Then a bunch more messages kept popping into my inbox through more accounts. One after another in quick Succession. I was thinking that this was crazy. And the list of accounts kept growing every minute with the same message popping up. I tried to block these alternate accounts and new accounts would emerge. I would block one and new one would pop up instantly. He was too quick with creating accounts and I wasn't quick enough to block them. My speed couldn't match his. I was laughing. Because this was just hilarious. I had never seen something like this. I didn't want to take it to heart because I really saw it as very childish. So I wanted to act matured in the situation. All I could do was sit and watch. I began counting all the accounts that he was creating to send me these repeated messages. Till that point they were 17.. So i contacted the website administrator about it and told the admin about the multiple accounts created. At which point the admin banned my account which was hilarious given that I was the one getting stalked by this guy. My account was reinstated within a few minutes and I contacted Seth in the last account through which he had been sending me these messages. And I told him that I had contacted the admin and complained about him and he laughed off. And then I told him that I was going to be banned at which point he told me to show screenshots of all his 17 accounts to the admin for the complaint to be effective. I kinda thanked him for that pro tip. And once he had stopped stalking me, I told him to calm down. It was something out of the blue. I had never expected this sort of an over reaction to a very innocent innocuous rejection to be his lover. I kinda felt at that point that he had a crush on me and I was kinda slow to pick up on his feelings for me. I told him that I can still be a good friend and I wouldn't mind the incident of stalking and I would let it go and not take it to heart. It was the most hilarious situation in my life, I couldn't imagine a grown guy acting like 12 year old throwing a fit because a girl said no. And then creating 17 accounts to harass her. I eventually left that website because there were too many psychos and weirdos like him there. He wasn't a mean guy, I'm sure he always meant well at least that's what I got through limited interactions I had with him. I didn't want to think the worst about him. He was just too lonely and he didn't have a girlfriend for the longest time so he wanted me to fill that role for him. I wished him well. But I always laugh out hysterically thinking about that incident. It was the most childish thing I had witnessed. I mean who does that

I'm going through a temporary period of extreme Loneliness. For the past 2 weeks since March 17. I have been going through huge bouts of loneliness. And.... I feel totally crushed. I can't explain why this is happening No idea I'm trying to cope with it the best way I can. But I have to admit something. As much as brutal and cruel this period of loneliness has been for me, I've learned life's most valuable lessons from this period more than from any other period or point in my life. I have tears in my eyes yet each tear is a great lesson. I called my ex (Joseph) last week and told him that I have forgiven him. I let it go. Since then a lot of my bitterness has gone away. I don't want to be in that bitter space forever. I don't want to be in that hateful space forever. I am a free spirited girl with a big sweet heart. I always want to be remembered that way till the day I die. I don't wish to lose who I was.. Who I am. I always want to stay this sweet girl that I always have been. That is the last thing that is left of me anyway, everything was anyway destroyed. I don't want this last piece of me to be snatched from me (everything else was gradually snatched from me by life). I want this last piece of my soul to be left with me. This is all I got. If this gets snatched from me, it would be my spiritual abuse. I just want to stay in this sweet space forever. I know I'm on the edge right now. Anything can tip me over the edge. So i just wanna be careful. I'm in a very delicate period of my life, my most sensitive, my most emotional, my most vulnerable. Also I think I'm on the boundary of something new. Maybe something is waiting for me. I feel like I am too close to something better, too close to the finish line. This is a hurdle, probably the last hurdle I need to cross, and maybe after this I will find peace and a new beginning. Forever I will be... This way

@Zigzag Idiot true

@Blackhawk I see. Must be lockdown there

@Blackhawk which country are you from?

Sometimes life is just terrible.

@Origins oh I am sorry to hear about that. I will stick up for you Take care

Some men have unhealthy levels of detachment and they begin to appear very cold. And standoffish. Whereas some men act extremely desperate. Ive had interactions with both types of men.. In my general experience, the desperate needy men are the ones who create the greatest trouble. They come with a baggage of issues and a plethora of problems. Slew of miseries. They can't handle shit. They stalk the woman, harass and when rejected, they lose control. Beware of such dudes. They are full of red flags. They're simply waiting for fish. They have high levels of insecurity and a need to assert excessive dominance and control. In the end they make themselves look lame and cheap and unsafe causing women to simply reject or dump them at the get go.. What's your take on desperate men?

To live in a dream like state.

Just keep weaving.

My middle and LESSER STRENGTHS Middle strengths 6 Kindness HUMANITY Doing favors and good deeds for others; helping them; taking care of them. 7 Humor TRANSCENDENCE Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side; making (not necessarily telling) jokes. 8 Spirituality TRANSCENDENCE Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the larger scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape conduct and provide comfort. 9 Honesty COURAGE Speaking the truth but more broadly presenting oneself in a genuine way and acting in a sincere way; being without pretense; taking responsibility for one's feelings and actions. 10 Love of Learning WISDOM Mastering new skills, topics, and bodies of knowledge, whether on one's own or formally; related to the strength of curiosity but goes beyond it to describe the tendency to add systematically to what one knows. 11 Bravery COURAGE Not shrinking from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain; speaking up for what’s right even if there’s opposition; acting on convictions even if unpopular; includes physical bravery but is not limited to it. 12 Leadership JUSTICE Encouraging a group of which one is a member to get things done and at the same time maintain good relations within the group; organizing group activities and seeing that they happen. 13 Judgment WISDOM Thinking things through and examining them from all sides; not jumping to conclusions; being able to change one's mind in light of evidence; weighing all evidence fairly. 14 Forgiveness TEMPERANCE Forgiving those who have done wrong; accepting others’ shortcomings; giving people a second chance; not being vengeful. 15 Social Intelligence HUMANITY Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what makes other people tick. Teamwork JUSTICE Working well as a member of a group or team; being loyal to the group; doing one's share. 17 Perspective WISDOM Being able to provide wise counsel to others; having ways of looking at the world that make sense to oneself/others. Prudence TEMPERANCE Being careful about one's choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted. 19 Zest COURAGE Approaching life with excitement and energy; not doing things halfway or halfheartedly; living life as an adventure; feeling alive and activated. ..... YOUR LESSER STRENGTHS 20 Gratitude TRANSCENDENCE Being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks. 21 Perseverance COURAGE Finishing what one starts; persevering in a course of action in spite of obstacles; “getting it out the door”; taking pleasure in completing tasks. 22 Self-Regulation TEMPERANCE Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one's appetites and emotions. 23 Hope TRANSCENDENCE Expecting the best in the future and working to achieve it; believing that a good future is something that can be brought about. 24 Humility TEMPERANCE Letting one's accomplishments speak for themselves; not regarding oneself as more special than one is.