Preety_India

My state of mind right now Troubled Sad Lonely Melancholic Helpless Despondent Broody Hopeless Dark Lost Broken Empty Hurt Damaged Tortured Tormented This is the song which is running in my mind.

Sad poetry, lamenting, sad music, venting helps a bit with such a phase. It sort of becomes a crutch.

@Blackhawk haha I know. I watch that a lot.

I don't think I will be in this state forever It's a temporary phase where I feel broken and lost. This is the broody side of me.

She felt helpless, hopeless and in pain.

I'm referring to myself as she. I know I'm in a dark place. I feel fragile and vulnerable. And I feel weak. I feel emotionally depressed. I feel sad and down. I feel empty, broken, lost, lonely and dark

When she was born, little did she know how things were going to be How everything was laid out for her? What lay in future? All she had to do was just be strong?

Who had taken away her happiness? What was eating her from inside? What was it that she wanted so badly but never got? Why was she so lost? Why was she sad? What bothered her so much? Could someone save her? Would she finally find a way out of this trap she found herself in?

She was all alone and lonely. She was also heartbroken with broken feet. She had nowhere to go. She felt trapped. She wanted to write and write and write. Because she wanted to scream from her private hell. She had never known the touch of love. It's like it was all empty. How could she survive so much. Why did these things happen to her?

Her sense of connection constantly eroded. She was raised without love or tenderness. She had nobody she could trust. There was nothing she could derive her strength from but herself.

Lol. This one.

Kinda difficult to say. Whenever i feel judged, the PTSD (of childhood and abusive exes) instinctively kicks in, anger/frustration reaches its peak and defensive behavior sets in. I'll have to careful to tone it down or have a delayed anger response Being a female, there is a tendency to get hysterical sometimes which is hard to control. I tried controlling my anger during a conversation recently. But the need to fight back and defend still came back like a boomerang. I'm such a sweet person in reality. I hate when my worst demons take over me and end up showing my bad side. This bad side I don't like because I hate to be in that angry space of mind. I like to be peaceful and not get or be aggravated. But past aggravation by bullies has caused my sympathetic nervous system to habitually stay in Fight Flight mode. It's like I'm in survival war mode all the time. I have to imagine myself as a monkey in a cage who has had people throw hard objects at it constantly and feeling angry helpless and bullied all the time to the point that even the sight of people nearby is enough of a trigger, they don't need to throw anything to trigger. The only thing that comforts me and calms me down is sex, flirting, intimacy and calm romantic music. That's my escape. It makes me feel loved, secure and no longer afraid or threatened. All those things tickle my Vagus nerve and bring in the parasympathetic response and washes down all the bottled up anger.

What more signs do I observe here that come quite close to NPD? Boasting Need for validation from others for victimhood False victimhood Empty threats Intimidating demeanor False narratives Karen syndrome Trying to create a cult out of his fans Insinuating Wanting his fans to attack his brother. Incitement behavior Racist tendencies The biggest clue that this guy is a narcissist is the fact that he himself accuses his family of mistreatment and yet tells his fans to not drive a wedge. Typical Narcissist Double Bind. Constant switching between accents and personalities Charles Manson tendency to keep rambling and hold attention of his fans and appear charming Repetitive assertions of provocative victimhood. Ticking time bomb behavior The need to tape his interaction with his dog is THE BIGGEST RED FLAG. Why the need to show that other than the need to assert that he treats his dogs really well, when in reality it could be different? Narcissistic two faced fake sneaky behavior. Calling himself the "Reigning Carter" is a sign of overt narcissism. Charles Manson sarcastic style of speech delivery Made up fake paranoid delusions that someone will attack him Constant fidgeting and rapid eye movements. Extremely high insecurity Bipolar manic episodes Addiction to drugs Holding illegal guns Making false assumptions of conspiratorial plotting Weed addiction Raging tirades Fidgeting, hand movements, repetitive speech, jerky movements, constant fiddling, Adderall?? And the biggest flag is how he said that his girlfriend is non confrontational. This reminds me of my ex and how he said his first ex was non confrontational. BIG BIG BIG SIGN. this means that he is going to treat them like garbage and they won't mind., Signs of histrionic personality disorder HPD. Spiraling out of control /down a dark hole Caring rhymes with Aaron. No Karen rhymes with it better.

A nice case study for narcissism. This guy is showing pure paranoid delusions. Full of himself. Lying. Playing victim Narcissistic victim playing at its finest. Boasting about a career that doesn't exist. These signs are important to understand this disorder. The last thing that this person would want is a yes person around them. Because a truthful person would shatter their illusions.

@Nahm I will ponder on that insight. You're very helpful Phil.

Because if I don't focus on it, I won't be able to avoid it.

Will miss you. Take care.

@Nahm what?

Because I don't want to end to hurt. @seeking_brilliance

@seeking_brilliance I don't think it's a cultural thing though. I have mostly faced this problem online where people from all cultures exist

Anya is born in a small town. She attends school and goes on to graduate with a diploma. She has been a great student. A good person. An ordinary girl from town with humble roots. Her father worked at the dockyard. Her mother was a nurse. Sadly her father passes away in a freak accident when she is very little. She has no memory of it. Just a faint picture. She meets a man Tony at a textile factory where she works. He marries her. She is unable to conceive and the couple tries hard to have a child. It's an interracial marriage, Tony is a white guy from southern parts of America, somewhere in Georgia and Anya is an Indian woman. Everything in their marriage is perfect. But it's only the beginning.

She didn't know what was to come. The main protagonist of the plot is me. Played by another woman. So the story is loosely based on me and has autobiographical components to it. Anya plays my role in this cryptic psych fantasy horror script. There will be a lot of cryptic language.

I have a title for this thriller fiction. I am naming it "Inside the mind."

@seeking_brilliance I think I get defensive because I have been so damn hurt by people in the past. People I cared for. People I trusted. People I spent years in nurturing. Only to get betrayed in the end and abandoned like a puppy dog abandoned on a street People used me for as long as they wanted and then threw me away like trash This resulted in massive feelings of betrayal, hurt, mistrust, anger and Avoidance. Anxiety too. So whenever I have a conversation with someone, even though the conversation looks fine and well meaning, I seem to get combative and push that person away or make them feel rejected or hated. This is because I'm filled with feelings of mistrust, I feel like that person will start fucking with my head, I will trust them and they will start playing games or they have bad intent or they will turn things around to demonize me. I think all of my defensiveness comes from a lack of acceptance from others. I felt rejected by people. I wanted love and acceptance and respect and belongingness. But I was constantly demonized. I was called selfish, vain, attention seeker, hated, bullied, unloved, harassed, slandered and generally subjected to extreme and harsh judgment. This judgement was never applied to people who did much worse things than me, but I was routinely targeted. I feel persecuted among people. So I became avoidant. And all of this persecution is because people fail to understand me. And they find it difficult to love me. So they get cognitive dissonance. They don't know what to do with me. So they start hating me. Because loving me means letting go of their ego and having empathy for me. Which they find difficult. Hate is easier. I can sense their judgemental attitude. And it causes me to get defensive.. Another reason being that I've been relentlessly shamed and judged by close family people for my whole life. It's just a family culture and dynamics. Being judged so badly causes me to flip out even at little signs of judgement. I get reactive because of this judgement related trauma. It resurfaces and exacerbates whenever someone tries to judge me. That gets me nervous, stressed out and defensive.

Sometimes we have to accept the fact that some people just don't get attracted. Attraction is not a constant thing. A few tips - -Don't focus on keeping attraction. It can be frustrating. If it's not working then it's not working -keep approaching more without losing hope - Don't be vulnerable to women. It's a turn off. - be a protector. -act secure in your ways. Women like the feeling of security. - women are a bit complicated. It's just the truth. We as women also find difficulty in maintaining friendships with other women. Anything happens and women stop talking for no good reason. So the problem is not always you. Women can be difficult to deal with in general. They suffer a ton of insecurities and never seem to choose a guy and in the end when they do, it's generally some asshole who knew how to manipulate them. Women don't easily give into basic demands or gestures of affection. Because they find it difficult to reciprocate. They need polarity. But even polarity can only go so far. Don't beat yourself up. It's generally not your fault.