Preety_India

I don't think I will die tonight. No I don't. I think i have a long time to go. But all the suicidal thoughts I have are very bothersome. It's like I'm waiting for my death and placing a bet on it. It's terrible. At this point, everything feels terrible. I'm in a deep dark place of my life and escape seems difficult.

This post is the source of that insight. To be frank most nice men are fake men. There are even memes on this. Nobody comes with a tag saying fake It's like a person pretending to be nice so that you begin to trust them. Their true colors are only shown later. Now the guys that you are talking about who don't want to hurt, I'd call them "genuine nice guys", however these men are quite rare. They either don't approach women that much, because they are not so much into gaming or they are just rare in terms of numbers. Bad boys and genuine nice guys, both are rare, they are both at the opposite end of the spectrum, towards the last portion. Whereas the middle of the spectrum is filled with all the nice creepy men. Who are fake and pretend nice. Bad boys are too brutal to deal with. So society deletes them. Genuine guys are easy to be scammed so they go out the other way. Then we are left with the manipulators. Well such is life. Evil and good are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. What lies in between is a pool of destroyers or destructive people. I always knew that there was something good to evil. Some good side Evil is something Intimidating and strong and cruel that everyone is afraid of. It's like the powers of Shiva and Kali fused together.

Today had an important insight. About good and evil and in between. I have always played around this idea of good and evil. Thought a lot about it But never got to the bottom of it. But today had a great insight after a long time. Maybe my subconscious mind was always looking for the answers.

If the labels right wing and left wing are illusory then the label "Corona cult" must also be an illusion? No? Bwahahahahahahahaha

@JJfromSwitzerland I have to write some notes on here so that I can take printouts and then show my progress to my therapist..

@wwhy power does not come from being humble. Nobody gives a shit about humble people. They are usually standing in the back during a photo call.. Its the manipulators who get the share of the pie in terms of social power because they are social climbers Humble people are unsung heroes who generally get ignored by the world. Cult leaders are more successful in the world than humble people. Because manipulation sells like a drug. Now there is a difference here. And that is personal power and social power. Personal power means your own courage and strength to fight through and be humble and honest. Whereas social power means the ability to dominate and manipulate people to gain Power and control I agree with you that the term nice man creates confusion. I would rather want terms like "genuine man" and "pretentious nice man" or fake nice.

I've a serious confession to make. And that is - I need to start liking bad boys. Start appreciating them. After a lot of contemplation I decided that I need to follow my heart and not my head. I had met a few bad boy types but I tended to reject them because how could I show them to my mom. I didn't want to let down anyone. I'm not attracted to nice guys. Because they are fakest fakest fake. I find them phoney, flakey, fakey and pretentious. Liars. They always try to act like they really care but actually they don't. I had a bad boy as a friend, he had all this punk style, tattoos and he wasn't very educated but once when I was at my lowest point in my life, he was the one who gave me the greatest amount of support and care. He was the one who never left my side. My family called me depressed and didn't care about me, but he did. He did everything to make me feel supported and he would always be honest and truthful about everything in life.. I admired him. He genuinely cared. But I always went for the nice guys because conventional society raised me to like good nice men.. However every time I got cheated, manipulated, it was always the nice guy. The nice guy who acted nice, only to find out later that he got lot of skeletons in his closet and when confronted about his skeletons, the same lies, manipulation and trickery. And whenever I was in trouble, the nice guy left me first. That's not love. He is a fair weather friend. Who wants that? True love sticks through thick and thin. In sickness and in health. Through good times and the bad times. You cannot give true love if you say one thing and mean another. So what's the point of this fake nice guy who acts good but actually doesn't love. Love is only love when it stands the test of time. Anyone can be nice during happy times.. The ones who truly care about you are the ones who stick by your side even when times are rough. That's true friends and true lovers. Not someone who abandons me immediately when he got better opportunities. That's a fake person. This takes me back to the bad guy who was my loyal friend and was always honest although society judged him for being a bad boy. I'm like - defy society. Defy norms. Defy parents. Don't care. Defy convention. Defy nice guys. I want to be authentic with my desires and instincts. Why should I repress what my heart really wants? I want a truthful person and not a sleazy piece of... vomit emoji. The nice guys were always highly educated, nice houses, big houses , the first guy I dated had the biggest house like a mansion , not that I'm attracted to big homes, just describing what he had. I even dated a homeless guy. But hey no thanks. I don't want his big house. Because I feel suffocated in his golden palace. It's a golden cage. He won't even give me a hug. I am only supposed to be his trophy girl or his girlfriend who takes his manipulative ways behind closed doors. The way Princess Diana was always expected to stay silent on Prince Charles's transgressions. That way??? Nope. I want to start liking bad boys. Because home is where love is. Home is where the heart is. As long as the heart is true, everything else will fall in place even those bad behaviors and bad habits. There is a cure for mental illness but no cure for a bad heart. Call me whatever. Call me stupid.

@wwhy to be frank most nice men are fake men. There are even memes on this. Nobody comes with a tag saying fake It's like a person pretending to be nice so that you begin to trust them. Their true colors are only shown later. Now the guys that you are talking about who don't want to hurt, I'd call them "genuine nice guys", however these men are quite rare. They either don't approach women that much, because they are not so much into gaming or they are just rare in terms of numbers. Bad boys and genuine nice guys, both are rare, they are both at the opposite end of the spectrum, towards the last portion. Whereas the middle of the spectrum is filled with all the nice creepy men. Who are fake and pretend nice. Bad boys are too brutal to deal with. So society deletes them. Genuine guys are easy to be scammed so they go out the other way. Then we are left with the manipulators. Well such is life.

@wwhy you could say that. Bad boys can be abusive, not all the time but sometimes. Bad boys have actually helped me more than nice guys because bad boys have told me the truth about my situation and helped me to find a solution and stick to it. Whereas nice guys are like fair weather friends, they only want to be around when I am having happy days, not when I'm having difficulties. So what's the point of a fake person really? They are there just for a good time and often times if I ever got fucked over, it was always nice men, cheating, lying stuff. That hurt me more than what bad boys did. Because one thing is true. That bad boys never lied to me. So there was a tacit trust. I could at least trust them with their words. The times when bad boys are tough to deal with is when they get angry, abusive, out of control or do drugs or go to jail, stuff like that. Of course nobody sticks around them for long and in the end they are alone. I only wanted to bring a perspective where the contrast can be shown and why a woman might be attracted to a bad boy and not a nice guy. A lot of people think that it got to do with sexual arousal. They assume bad boys are good at it. But the real reason at least in my case is that feeling betrayed by nice men, especially knowing that they front that sort of an "friendly loving" guy image, it's tough to trust a nice guy later in life. Not saying that I need to be with bad boys.. But would you like to be told the truth or would you like to be scammed or cheated? The answer is simple that human brains are attracted to honesty eventually. Because nobody wants to suffer. Once you suffer a series of betrayals by nice men, the whole nice guy charade begins to wear off.

This song perfectly describes me and my state of mind. This song is how I feel all the time. The song is me, the words describe me, the music describes me. This song is very close to my heart This song is my life, the words are my life and that music is my life.

Nobody wants me Nobody likes me Nobody loves me That's the reality of my life and will always be that way.

I have recorded my struggles with forum addiction in this journal. Might help daily-forum-log I have significantly reduced my usage by slowly tapering off. Now I mostly only do journals which I don't consider addiction because it helps. But that journal has some points and records of how I tracked my forum usage slowly and over time. Reading it might be of some help as to what methods tend to stick longer.

Try to do it slowly in doses.

God I just want to feel at peace.. I want to end my life. I don't want this anymore. I'm too tired of everything. Of this fucking life Show me a way out of this trap or set me free and let me die. Call me back. Allow me to live in peace or let me die I can't take no more. Nobody can help me Whenever I tried anything, it failed. Please save me from this private hell.

Human connection cannot satisfy me anymore and I have understood all of that. So no point. I hate how quickly I have to come to conclusions in life. Then what is it? It's spirits and guides, animal energies and human energies that will help me out. Those that are twinkling in the sky will take care of me. I can a simply give into reckless abandon. And leave everything to the stars.

. Teardrops of love are beautiful.

The only thing I have learned is to let go. To never let myself get stolen. To never let my character be muddied by experiences in life. To never become bitter. To stay the way I was born. I had this tacit innocence about me. I want to keep it that way. I don't want to lose who I was just because of a shitty life. That's the least I can do in being brave with my circumstances. I don't want to corrupt myself. I'm seeking solace in sadness. Not the destroying kind of sadness A sadness that brings me closer to myself in periods of loneliness. I'll always be a lonewolf and I know that

Sadness is my melody. It's the cup I want to fill. I am done with the phase of expecting better things in life. Life is too cumbersome. You get fucked over some way or the other. Everything was stolen from me. Literally everything. Now what is left other than a living caracas.. What should I do now? Whats left of me other than a ravaged beauty waiting to escape the darkness of this world? All I can say is this. You're going to be fucked over even if a person is nice. It just doesn't matter. No point in blaming others. This is how life is. A play of humanity.

@Podie45 I understand and I hear you. But the more you think about your circumstances, the worse it gets. Try not to focus on it, even if there is a temptation to do so. When those thoughts linger, distract yourself. Life is fucked up anyway, one way or another. The whole idea of thinking that others have it good isn't going to help, makes the pain much worse, and who knows what's in the future for others, there are many many people who are doing equally worse or much worse, and by this I don't mean to downplay any of your struggles, but trying to steer you to look towards the sun, a brighter future awaits for you, maybe not around the corner, not just yet, life is like a flower bud that can bloom in many directions and show you many wonders, many doors can open, right now there is much frustration in your heart that life isn't working the way you want, turn this frustration into power, the power is always yours no matter what, right now you're quite attached to your life, the more you stay attached, the worse it gets. Try to accept the state of things in the present moment and let it go, so that there is room for better things to come, it's not the end of the road yet, so don't lose hope, this struggle is also worthy of praise as much as is a life of simple pleasures, no struggle is jn vain, learn to embrace struggles as a part of life, that's what makes life meaningful, right now it feels like everything is falling apart, but take refuge in love, God and spirituality, treasure your soul and spirit because your spirit is far bigger, greater and above the experience of life, let this spirit not be tainted and burdened by the impurities, there is be something that will never get corrupted by drugs, money, poverty, ill health, bad relationships, bad circumstances and that is your heart. Keep it pure and invest in acceptance. Find peace within your self, because this world wouldn't give it to you. Find your strength in your spirit to carry through life fearlessly and take what comes and you never have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, because having love in every moment is greater than any life circumstance, good or bad. I hope you understood what I meant.

Sometimes I just cry.

It's ok.

=========================================== They are not innocent or anything like that.

Who was she?

. This is definitely helpful when I'm feeling broken/gone.

Porco's masculine energy inspires me to be strong. .