Preety_India

Family (dysfunctional) [+]Having your emotions constantly invalidated is the root cause of all anxiet... [+]Emotionally abused children grow up to struggle with relationships. They de... [+]The goal of parenting has been to have a compliant and obedient child, not ... [+]Unhealthy emotional environments in childhood are the root cause of sociopa... [+]It's harder to detect overt abuse vs emotional abuse [+]First, parents disapprove of their children's emotions [+]Anxiety disorder is often the result of extreme self-doubt and self-distrus... [+]Good parenting involves emotion and good relationships involve emotion. [+]Emotional dismissal & emotional disapproval are forms of abuse. [+]Second, they dismiss their childrens emotions. [+]Third, they offer no practical guidance to the child. [+]There's no reason to feel sad. Dismissing the childs perspective & reality ... [+]Even Empathic parents can mislead. Leaving the child lost to how their emot... Nervous system Regulation The brain Dys-regulation Self-regulate Co-regulation [+]Self-Worth Self-Esteem Self-Value Self-Respect [+]Self-Trust [+]Self-Love [+]Self-Care [+]Self-Understanding [+]Self-Acceptance [+]Self-Doubt [+]Self-Hate [+]Self-Neglect [+]Self-Avoidance [+]Self-Rejection [+]Shame Feelings & healing [+]Healthy Grief [+]The completion process Inner Family Systems Or Parts Work Holistic Health Integrated listening systems Shadow Work [+]The subconscious mind takes control of anything that interferes with the co... [+]We are relational dependent as humans. What is acceptable or unacceptable d.. [+]Integration Auditory Neural Network [+]The subconscious mind is capable of keeping us alive and destroying our liv... [+]People tend to project suppressed attitudes on others. Visa versa. Unable t... [+]We will reject aspects of ourselves that are disapproved of. Anything in th... [+]For example consider a child who's born into a family where anger isn't an ... [+]Resistance to uncomfortable feelings causes us pain. Not the uncomfortable ... [+]After years of self rejection one begins to over compensate [+]Splitting is the birth of self rejection [+]Subconcious can high jack & take over your thoughts and emotions. When extr... [+]If the pain you felt about a matter interfered with your life enough, the s... [+]Projection has become the most common deflection or cop out from taking an ... [+]Any extreme aversion to a trait in another is a reflection of the level of .. [+]Often it is a trait someone else possess. We may or may not exibit that tra... [+]Intimacy is about knowing yourself and being known by others for who you re.. [+]When the child gets angry he is shamed, so he suppresses and denies his ang... [+]Self rejection is self hate [+]Improving your relationship with yourself [+]Bringing the truth of who you are and being received for that. Intimacy is ... [+]Over time the anger becomes subconscious. He will not be aware that he is a... [+]Subtopic [+]1. Bring awareness to your emotions [+]The language of the soul is feelings [+]2. Care about what you are feeling [+]3.Truly try to understand your emotions. [+]4. Validate your emotions and listen to them. Acknowledge the emotion is pr... [+]5. Feel your emotions fully until they are heard [+]6. Lastly begin to reframe how you see the situation. Don't orce it. Repeat.. [+]Society bullshit programming [+]Labeling people as overly sensitive [+]Teaching that feelings are weakness [+]Teaching no patience for emotions [+]Trauma - A state of emotional and mental distress caused by an experience Childhood trauma Numbing out & dissosation [+]Triggers Toxic Shame [+]Suppressed memories [+]Emotional Neglect Cptsd [+]Creating new identities [+]Completely detach from reality temporarily to cope with stress and pain Distraction [+]Creates splits [+]Losing a sense of identity [+]Emotionally distract [+]Emotional crumbs [+]Day dreaming

I lost the flow to write this any further.

I forgot.

Alright done with this

I don't like Kurt Cobain. He does not have the bad boy look, more like a homeless druggie look. Kurt was more authentic but lacked masculine. More teeny punky.. No way Lennon. He had a creepy look and was an asshole to his girlfriends known for beating. And temper. If I have to pick one sexy star from that time, it has to be Vanilla Ice. He was cool and sexy looking but one hit wonder. Also INXS lead Michael Hutchence has a wild bad boy look, although a bit feminine. Ricky Martin also has a rogue suave look but he is gay, so that puts the attraction to rest. Enrique Iglesias has that latino hot look but he is too skinny and timid looking, lacking masculine vigor. Basically the pop industry emasculates men or emasculated men generally enter the industry. Not a good look overall. All of them.

If God is the representation of soft love, the devil represents mean tough love by removing evil through destructive means. The distinctions are Crystal clear now. However the malevolent does not show love, only malice, hurt and damage It as if the Malevolent is incapable of love, only selfishness and pure destruction with no goal but to destroy the good. I can liken this to the Dybbuk or Satan Notice the differences between Devil and Satan.

So why am I attracted to the devil? Because I still think that the devil has some good in him and that he will protect me from bad if I show me trust

So why am I attracted to the devil? In the same breath, why am I attracted to someone who is mean to me? Why am I attracted to a dominant narcissist? Because I was raised by one. There were so many similarities between Joseph and my mother, that it wouldn't be surprising to say that Joseph was my mother in male form. And the strongest attraction and bonding I had experienced with a man in my life, out of all the boyfriends I had, it had to be Joseph. It is astonishing, looking back in time when during our first conversation, Joseph said to me that he would punch me so bad that I would land in a coma. And it excited me. I told him that he reminded me of someone that came back from the grave, someone that I had already known. Had my subconscious mind already predicted my mother's death??? Why did I say that to him? Why did he make me feel like I already knew him? Because there was a familiarity component. Joseph symbolized my mother's behavior. Growing up I had learned to please my narcissistic mother in whatever way I could by being an extremely obedient daughter, even to the point that I would have allowed myself to be raped by someone if that's what pleased her. This addiction to her validation kept growing as a child. This pattern became instantly familiarized with Joseph. I became protective of him (Stockholm Syndrome activated.) Even in a court of law, if Joseph was to be convicted of abuse, I would have protected him by denying all accusations. I would have blamed myself. I wouldn't let him suffer, because even in that moment I would have to please my abuser in whatever way I could. It was about unquestioning loyalty and obedience. In a way Joseph and me were permanently forged in this sadomasochistic abusive relationship forever. There was no escape. He was my master. I was his lover with whom he could do whatever he pleased. I had grown accustomed to all the elements of Stockholm Syndrome by the time I was with Joseph. It was the perfect opportunity. He acted exactly like my mother. One minute hot, next minute cold. One minute he would shower me with affection and extreme affection, it was addictive, reminded me the exact way my mother would show affection. His masculinity resembled the masculinity and dominance of my mother. He would get dominating like that. He would demand me the way she would demand things from me when I was a child. He would get extremely domineering and demanding just like her. I have no idea why I found it attractive but it might have to do with the fact that I had to please someone like that as a child. So I had to please him. Joseph would have fantasies of raping me. He would fantasize controlling me . Although he technically never raped me, every act between us was consensual. He was respectful during sex, only demanding. He never hurt me during sex, but our sexual experiences were very strong, I would orgasm multiple times throughout, he could generate intense sexual feelings in me, and he would experience the same. He would tell me to do things and I would do it. Then he would call me a good girl for obeying him and pleasing him during the spanking.. Good girl was his sexual innuendo to indicate that he was thoroughly pleased after fucking me.

One of the reasons why I am so attracted to (in a sadomasochistic manner), to bad boys, abusive men or just my haters sometimes, especially guys who are super mean to me, is related to this truth where every time I believed and trusted a nice man acting like he cares about me, it always resulted in me being betrayed, me being punished for trusting him enough, and the haters were the ones who actually cared more about me in the moment, they were the ones who would reach out to me, not in a supportive way, but in a 'general tough' love way, telling me what I should do and being tough with me, while also advising me the right thing to do, questioning my naive beliefs and going around breaking my illusions and serving me with brutal truths and wake up calls and shaking the hell out of me. As if they couldn't bear seeing me getting slowly destroyed by my own actions or lack thereof. The same bullies who hated me came to my rescue when I was falling apart out of pity or whatever. This source of pity was more genuine than all the love shown by fake friends. This made me begin to have a sadomasochistic attraction to those who would be really keen on hating me. Like bullies. Because they actually showed me more love and hope in a weird way. It's like having a devil who I eventually fall in love with. There are elements of Stockholm Syndrome here, big time, this is to be expected in a way because I was abused by a person who I was supposed to trust. I had to learn to combine trust and abuse as love in my mind. I had to integrate elements of both love and abuse while growing up and consider an abuser, a lover. This was instilled in me since childhood that the one who beats me is also the one who loves me. I couldn't separate the two. If you have been sexually abused by someone who is also supposed to be your caregiver or guardian, then you can't distinguish between love and abuse. I started to suffer Stockholm Syndrome early on in my teens. I was already broken. My trust and boundaries completely violated. The person who abused me also showed me love on occasions.. This created an idea in my mind that abusers can show moments of love. I began to associate these ideas with the devil. The Devil hating me while also raping me, while also giving me affection, while raping me. It was messed up. This began to play out in my relationships as I became an adult where the abusive guys showed me control and domination and I began to take it as love. Their mean behavior was attractive because somewhere in that mean behavior, I was looking to please the Devil, looking for some bit of affection from these abusive mean guys, just the way I had learned to look for affection in my abuser when I was a child. So even if the guys were abusive to me, I would still try very hard to please them. Because somewhere deep down I still believed that they loved me. Because that's the only way I had gotten some affection in life - through abuse. There was no man who was being loving to me and at the same time being respectful to me in the same breath. It wasn't going to be. I think we sometimes attract partners who tend to play out our past traumas. I attracted men who were the type who would beat me and also love me. In my case, there was normalization of abuse. As long as they gave me affection, it didn't matter what boundaries they violated. So came along these fantasy ideas about Devil and God. Being protected by God and being fucked by the Devil. Being loved by the devil in a sadomasochistic way. Where the Devil would love me in return if I took his whipping silently (elements of Stockholm Syndrome, trying to please a parent who beats me, trying to please a parent who will rape me and control me) But this Devil wouldn't harm me ( I felt kidnapped as a child by my abuser and always felt that if I obeyed my kidnapper and did what they liked to the point where they begin to see unquestionable obedience in me then they won't harm me. They would actually love me so the beatings and torture was ok if the reward was protection from ultimate death. It's a survival mechanism that develops in cases of deep abuse.) I began to see the Devil as an abuser who would not kill me if I pleased him enough. If I obeyed him. This very well played out in my relationship with Joseph. If I pleased him and obeyed him, he wouldn't abandon me. If I showed distrust or didn't obey, then he would threaten to abandon me or get abusive. I became used to this kind of love, that was devoid of any respect or boundaries. If I had to receive any tiny bit of affection, then it had to be dispensed in this way. He would constantly talk about spanking me. It was his sadomasochistic way of showing me love. In other words, in a more metaphorical way he was trying to say "obey me and take my shit if you want my love." and obey I did. It takes a lot of time to undo these mental patterns created in childhood and come to realize what true love means. Although I have come a long way and I would never have a boyfriend like Joseph again, there are still remnants of all these experiences that I need to start mending.

Know who your enemies are and who your friends are. Don't underestimate your friends. They could do just as much harm as your enemies. Because they care less what happens to you. I have been fucked over, not by my enemies,, but by my friends. They have caused me more pain and hurt for having trusted them than the so called enemies and haters. I trust very few people now when it comes to confiding in people. I probably trust only a handful with sharing my personal life. My enemies are kinda more attractive to me, because even if they showed me how much they hated me, in times of trouble, they left me alone and let me my own space to heal.

Remember this one important thing. Just because someone helps you doesn't make that person a great person. Some people do it just for chest thumping. They wanna show how nice they can be especially publicly?? Like they are good old helpers, the compassionate souls. Remember these are narcissists looking for power and praise and reward. Just like those who run for a photo opportunity while hugging a poor or sick child just to show how much they care about the world. The people who excessively praise and help you without asking aren't really nice people. They have a different agenda in helping you. Their own agenda. It's not about you. It's about them. I had enough of these creepy nice men approach me like they care. It's just hideous. People who genuinely care about you are open in life. They won't close up to connect with you. They won't mind you being in their lives if they are so nice to you. Right? Why will they act like they don't know you and then come around and try to help you? Don't you understand that it's an act?

Why should I show interest in a guy who literally showed zero concern for me while rambling on about his own concerns for 4 hours?

Let people prove that they want you. Or like you. Rather than the other way around.

Don't run to people. Let people run to you. Let them come and show that they value you and love you Let them come to you and ask for forgiveness . Let them respect and cherish your presence Don't be fooled by their Samaritan behavior.

The only thing I have learned is to let go. To never let myself get stolen. To never let my character be muddied by experiences in life. To never become bitter. To stay the way I was born. I had this tacit innocence about me. I want to keep it that way. I don't want to lose who I was just because of a shitty life. That's the least I can do in being brave with my circumstances. I don't want to corrupt myself. I'm seeking solace in sadness. Not the destroying kind of sadness A sadness that brings me closer to myself in periods of loneliness. I'll always be a lonewolf and I know that

Human connection cannot satisfy me anymore and I have understood all of that. So no point. I hate how quickly I have to come to conclusions in life. Then what is it? It's spirits and guides, animal energies and human energies that will help me out. It's not the humans or real beings but the archetypes that are more important.

Still don't remember. I think the other concept was - you'll get fucked over by people, Whether they are good or bad. It's impossible to know beforehand if a person has good intent or bad intent. All you can do is simply focus on yourself and not invest too much trust into others to the point where it could get detrimental. To the point when they begin to have power or control over you. Yes narcissists are dangerous But only when they have power over you or if you are depending on them for anything. It just doesn't matter who is how. No need of judgement. Just make sure that you aren't being negatively impacted.

The Malevolent is constantly changing things to affect us. Never let anything about you change. Keep yourself as you are.

Don't be in a hateful space just because somebody decided to put you there.

Don't be in a hateful space just because somebody decided to put you there.

Having love in every moment. The Malevolent will always try to steal from you, will always try to change you.

But the more you think about your circumstances, the worse it gets. Try not to focus on it, even if there is a temptation to do so. When those thoughts linger, distract yourself. Life is fucked up anyway, one way or another. The whole idea of thinking that others have it good isn't going to help, makes the pain much worse, and who knows what's in the future for others, there are many many people who are doing equally worse or much worse, and by this I don't mean to downplay any of your struggles, but trying to steer you to look towards the sun, a brighter future awaits for you, maybe not around the corner, not just yet, life is like a flower bud that can bloom in many directions and show you many wonders, many doors can open, right now there is much frustration in your heart that life isn't working the way you want, turn this frustration into power, the power is always yours no matter what, right now you're quite attached to your life, the more you stay attached, the worse it gets. Try to accept the state of things in the present moment and let it go, so that there is room for better things to come, it's not the end of the road yet, so don't lose hope, this struggle is also worthy of praise as much as is a life of simple pleasures, no struggle is jn vain, learn to embrace struggles as a part of life, that's what makes life meaningful, right now it feels like everything is falling apart, but take refuge in love, God and spirituality, treasure your soul and spirit because your spirit is far bigger, greater and above the experience of life, let this spirit not be tainted and burdened by the impurities, there is be something that will never get corrupted by drugs, money, poverty, ill health, bad relationships, bad circumstances and that is your heart. Keep it pure and invest in acceptance. Find peace within your self, because this world wouldn't give it to you. Find your strength in your spirit to carry through life fearlessly and take what comes and you never have to worry about what's going to happen tomorrow, because having love in every moment is greater than any life circumstance, good or bad. I hope you understood what I meant.

I was thinking about 2 more concepts.. But as usual I forgot. One was that no matter what the circumstances, to always keep your mind and body pure, the way it should always be. Never let anything about you change.

How does God love you? By protecting you. How does Devil love you? By protecting you from evil.

Stop approaching people. Finish.