Preety_India

I totally resonate with this.

This morning I was thinking about something. It was really strange. A strange thing happened. I always go through psychic coincidences. This is one of many. I was planning of a title for my journal This journal. It was supposed to be about my struggle through poverty and problems. About facing bad situations and making good. (I'm facing great financial problems right now. Things have become bad since my mother was hospitalized a few months ago). And then I suddenly thought of the phrase "a rose growing through concrete." it applied to me perfectly. Because I was a struggler all my life, in school, in home, in all the poor abusive dysfunctional family I was born into, seeing my dad suffer problems after problems, succumbing to the abuse and dysfunction. There was a lot of pain I was carrying. Poverty also had a huge impact on me. My mother telling me that she didn't have money for baby formula when I was a child. Things like that. The poor neighborhood where I grew up and did good in school despite all the problems. I see myself as a rose emerging through concrete, struggling and fighting to make my hustle in life. My father didn't have the money for his illness. It was hard to me to watch that. And when I thought I would write a journal to document all my struggles and emotions, I was just randomly browsing through stuff. And there It was. I had been doing a lot of research on Tupac in the last couple of days because I was writing rap lyrics and I wanted some inspiration for my Rap Lyrics journal from the Biggies of Rap world.. The story of Tupac had touched a chord inside of me. I wanted to rap about him. I was also interested in researching the black community in detail. I wanted to know a lot of stuff. And suddenly I came across these words by Tupac -" rose that grew through concrete. " I couldn't believe my eyes. What was I reading? Just an hour before reading those words, I had decided to name my journal "a rose in concrete" and here I'm reading the same thing by Tupac???? This was the strangest coincidence. I had been thinking about Tupac for the last 3 days, I broke down many times and I cried a lot. His story mirrored my story. The only difference was that his dad wasn't with him, but my dad was, although in a very tragic way. It felt like Tupac was talking to me from beyond the grave. I have had such things happen in my life before where I felt I was getting signs from unknown things and strange incidents happening that had a connection with my childhood. Maybe Tupac wanted to give me a sign? Maybe he was telling me that he had a similar life of betrayals and tragedies and it's okay if it is that bad, you gotta live what you gotta live. Maybe his message was that I was a rose in concrete just like him, born in poverty and tragedy, but still growing and retaining some good??? And even if the rose died, no problem man. The rose lived how much it could. I survived my life of brutality and abuse for so long. Maybe I won't make it to the end. Maybe I will succumb to my illnesses just like my father did. I always have this fear that I will die the way my father died. He didn't have a long life. The misery he endured shortened his life span. He took a lot of abuse from his father, that is my grandfather. My father was mercilessly beaten up as a child, just the way I was beaten up as a child. My life mirrored my father's life. He had an abusive wife who he could not stand up to. The same person who abused me as well. I remember holding my father's hand in the hospital. His body became stiff. I was a teenager. I couldn't believe what was happening with him. He was going cold. The hospital rushed him to the ICU He was born with a weak heart. I was born with a weak heart.. I was born with the same health problems that he had all his life. The doctor told me that he wouldn't survive if he had been 5 mins late to the ICU I saw a lot of things as a child and a teen that I shouldn't have. I remember holding my dead father's hand and asking his forgiveness because I felt guilty that I couldn't protect him from the vicious abuse that he went through in his short life. But I was too young and too small to even understand what was going on. How could I protect him when I was just a teen? He died before I could become an adult. (this was very emotional) Maybe Tupac was trying to tell me "it is oK"..... It is ok to go through shit in life.. Maybe Tupac was trying to tell me that life happens. Shit happens. You be a rose that always grows. Life is not within our control. We always wish things were different. But the struggle is real. The hustle is real. You gotta to take it even if it's hard. I'm crying so much right now. Tupac really helped me today Even from the grave. Man I know it's hard. You were a rose in concrete Tupac. Stay blessed. RIP legend.

Well for me, relationship is a waste of time. Too many men wasting my time. I can do so much better in my life with my spiritual gifts.. And that's exactly what I'm planning to do. It's not being a hot woman is a curse, it's about getting a man and finally it turning to shit which is the curse. Because relationships that last is a hard thing. And I don't have my life sitting spare for all that workaround. I can achieve 80% more in life if I don't have to deal with men anymore. What will I get from a man anyway? Love????? That's a daydream I have finally woken up from. I can love myself and I don't have to pander to a man for his teeny tiny bit of love.

Well you know what. It's called basic human decency. You're not a woman for you to make such broad claims. I can be with whoever I want to be with and not have to deal with someone I don't want to deal with. Why can't men do the same? Am I approaching men who don't want me? Nope. They can live their life free, guess what, it's called male privilege. But I can't live that free life, because of male privilege in taking pride in wanting whatever they want. You would sing a different tune if you were a woman btw. It's easy for you as a man to instantly think that it's all good if a man is approaching me, to automatically imagine that I want his attention. Yet if you were a woman, you would know that kind of attention is harmful and not what women want.. The privilege of you being a man is that you won't have a woman putting her hand in the back pocket of your jeans and cat calling you. Guess what if it happened, you might even enjoy it, another male privilege. Not for me as a woman. For me a man doing that is harassment. Calling a spade a spade!

Good looking women don't wish to be harassed. I'm not that good looking yet I've been harassed plenty of times. Should I call it good luck that men wanted me? Absolutely not. It's not my choice that I'm a woman who is just living her life and wants to be left alone. Yes of course I want a decent guy to talk to me. But with that comes a deluge of guys that I don't want to deal with. But that's a part and parcel of being a woman.

@Clvp yeah I don't want to do that because she is mentally ill and a widow and nobody to care for her except me.

@Clvp that's what my goal is. I feel defeated every time but someday I will be free.

Emotional issues, financial issues and family drama. I still depend financially on my family even though I have a job because the job pays me peanuts. It is enough for my food. I lost a lot of money in the past 6 months in the medical bills of my mother because there is no insurance, and I can't buy insurance because I don't have the money to get insurance. And my mother has come to live with me because she had problems with her landlord. Now this was the only apartment I could afford.. I got this on rent in 2019. Now the prices have increased by a huge amount. I barely afford the rent. This rent I'm able to pay because they didn't increase it. However all other apartments around go by the current rate and I can't afford them. At this point, my mother needs to stay the fuck out of my life. I'm 27. I can't take it anymore. I want to have my own life and I feel stuck. The money is not enough for me to buy separate homes for her and myself. A day ago she kept yelling at me abusive things and then directly attacked me as I was readying for work She got violent and hit on my head. I yelled and screamed to get away from her and she threatened that she will call the cops on me. I got scared because of her death threats and went outside and stayed out for the whole night sleeping on a bench in the park. I'm fed up with living with this life where I can't get freedom from this motherfucking bitch. She ruined my dad's life. Now she is on to me. She is bipolar, insane, violent and abusive. She got me evicted from 2 other places where I tried to move by telling stories to my neighbors and threatening my landlord. I have no idea why she is trying to ruin my life. I'm tired of her. I suffered her abuse for so many many years.. Either God give me freedom from this bitch or God give me Death

@Preety_India This forum is full of shit. Lot of hypocrisy here. Birds of a feather flock together.

But you know that's not how relationships work unless you are in an open relationship. Don't kid yourself. How many women would feel loved if you're seeing other women on the side? Be honest.

@Leo Gura how do you not get fatter after eating so much meat?

This will never work. Because you want other girls. She wants an exclusive relationship. You still want her around. You don't love her either because you want other girls. You just want her around so you don't feel lonely. She also does not love you because she is not open about her feelings.. You both need deserve different people to satisfy your needs.

LOL. Then you both are toxic to each other. Hurt feelings on both sides if you both can't sort it out. If you have fallen hard for her, and you deny her a full fledged relationship, then it's bad for her. If she doesn't love you as she says then she needs to make up her mind and not keep confusing. The nature of this relationship is toxic and murky. There is no openness on both ends.

This is all about my struggle.

My breasts feel swollen and tight. I feel very hot, like my body feels like an oven. I will feel so frustrated and tired. I feel like climbing the walls. Whats happening?

@SamC reason without emotion is judgemental and emotion without reason is delusional. That's all I leave you with.

. I believe this.

The feeling that I'm getting here is that you love her more than she loves you. This might sound harsh. She doesn't love you and doesn't care about you. And you are much better off without her. She is interested in playing games though which brings to my mind the term TOXIC WOMAN. she is a toxic woman. She likes what she is doing and it feeds her. Which is not a good sign at all. A good woman will just walk away and then just walk away, you know what I mean. When I broke up with my ex, I was not trying to make him jealous, I simply moved on. Just to give you an example. Her behavior is toxic. Please forget her. Not because there are so many women and that bullshit. It doesn't matter how many women are out there. You deserve a good partner, this. This is the reason you must forget this person and not deal with their drama any more. And you know what happens with such people is that they begin to drain your mental energy. I describe such people as "toxic hearts." Big lesson for you to learn here is. Be wary. Throw such people out. And never attract such people again.

I know I'm acting crazy again. But I will do ok I will feel better when I read the word house.

Depends on your value systems. If I decide to only choose a man based on looks, that's on me. But if I choose a man based on his qualities, then I'm amping up value in my relationships.

@Superfluo I also feel depressed.

@Superfluo feeling irritable is the emotion accompanying it.

@Preety_India it's ok it will get better.

@Michael569 nope