Preety_India

Reece, I have completely surrendered to you... Completely. You are the only one. I simply can't think of another.

Through Reece I'm bonding or at least trying to bond back with my bipolar mother. Reece is ENFP As usual every boyfriend I date is an ENFP somehow. It makes sense that I'm attracted to an ENFP, because I remember being attracted to INFP. Now I won't be too attracted to an introvert because I'm an introvert too. Kinda mismatch but still okay. So let's see. I don't know the exact difference between INFP and ENFP. But I'm especially attracted to either a Taurus generally or an ENFP. I'm INFJ-T

The whole graveyard dream came to an end with Reece. Now I know why I had the graveyard dream. Why I was waiting there. The German dream was over. Long ago I had a dream that foretold that I would fall in love with a German guy and that would be the greatest love of my life. And then I cried in the dream. At the same time there was a morbid recurrent dream that went concurrent with this dream. And in this dream I would see myself slowly and unsteadily stumbling towards a graveyard. And this dream was quite frequent. I wore either a black or white (because of my memory issues I forgot certain parts of the dream or certain parts are kinda mixed up or messy) I wore like a gown. Then I kept walking towards a grave. Finally I sit on the grave stone. And I keep waiting. And someone taps on my shoulder. I turn around and it's Reece. Reece you liberated me. Reece you liberated me. Reece you liberated me. I'm so grateful. You finally came when I was sitting at the grave and took me home where I belonged, your home. Your home that you built for me. We lived for each other. You for me and me for you. I cried over your shoulder. You understood my weaknesses. You were authoritarian but at least you took care of me.

My life has come to and end with Reece. This is what I wanted. This is what I always wanted. A simple blue collar guy who shares deep intimacy with me. Who understands my bpd and doesn't judge me. Reece is so so protective of me. He is not like my schoolmate boyfriend that I used to drool over. He is very different. Very diligent.. He is my true lover. I wanna get drunk with him.

Reece has bonded so deeply with me. He pulls my face toward him and plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. And then he keeps looking into my eyes. I keep staring at his lips. His lips are moist and red, kinda reddish. He gently kisses me again, this time on my lips I am forgetting everything.. I can only see his face and nothing else. He holds my face and whispers something in my ears. I love you Reece I love you Reece I love you Reece I love you Reece I love you Reece I love you Reece I love you Reece Reece is so affectionate with me I feel like I just want to forget myself into him. He sat there. With me. I kept giggling while he kept describing things. Then I leaned on his shoulder. I felt good. I love you Reece I didn't say much. I'm crying right now. Because I just don't know how to tell him how much I love him. I'm crazily in love with him and I just can't imagine.. I have never felt like this. I sometimes feel like I won't get his love fully. But I feel like Reece definitely loves me. He stalked me for 12 months. I did feel like pushing him away

only-reece-can-love-me-truly high-energy-work-and-high-value-work Curing-bpd figuring-it-out intrusive-thoughts dark-thoughts-journal crazy-girl healing-2.0 how-to-stop-lying-and-manipulating Old ones sushi-dynamic-please-no-comments-in-journal borderline-my-story-no-commenting-on-this-journal-strictly self-energy-encouraging my-bpd-art-bpd-songs-included what-i-like-in-a-guy grilling my-sexual-perspectives I'm -preety-babloo the-day-i-stop-writing-is-the-day-i-am-dead

Work on this.

I want to be this avatar so desperately. It reflects my borderline personality so well.

What's the source of my manipulation? Maybe it's people pleasing..

Much of my lying was because of my trauma. Being a borderline is tough.. Toughest. I'm really pissed off with this Amber Heard thing. And I don't need to give any justification for my mental disorder, no I don't Just be candid about what I want/need and move on I feel like I'm growing at such a huge pace, that I am begun to be afraid of myself. Where's life taking me? I don't want to be a liar anymore. I don't want to be a manipulator anymore. I want to be free of my own sins I want to feel liberated. I don't want to be around people who make me lie. Who expect me to shut up. Who abuse me and distort my reality. I'm not a psychopath but I do have those tendencies. Sometimes I feel like whenever I open up about my dark side, people use it as an opportunity to double down on me, I hate that crap those are fucking covert abusive bullies. Just wanna pick on me for something I never did. People are just waiting to go at your flaws, especially if you're a woman. It makes it impossible to grow through mistakes. Acknowledgment is the first step and when people judge you for acknowledging, admitting and acknowledging gets harder. But I'm trying to circumvent this somehow. Like.... I'm asking myself. What if people hated me? What if people hated me for the things I never did? What if people hated me because they judged me the wrong way? Isn't it better this way because this way such people are auto-eliminated any way. Why do I need people who judge me? Plus I might need people who judge me positively!!! In the sense they want to judge not to discard me, but for my own betterment, such judgement won't hurt.

It's understandable. But it's workable. Don't think it's impossible. You just need more experience that comes with more interactions. Your problem is that you interact like bare minimum. That will not give you clues on what's needed. I also made mistakes in relationships and lost relationships. I gradually improved step by step. Plus there is a factor of resonance. Maybe you're talking to people who just don't resonate with you. Now if you talked to 100 girls, you would bump into at least one girl that resonates with who you are and you both click. You aren't giving yourself enough opportunities for such a click.. I didn't resonate with a ton of guys, but I was persistent. That actually got me guys I genuinely liked. You can't get it like that with just a few approaches unless it's blind luck or jackpot moment.

You tried to be romantic with me. I rejected you, I'm sorry about it. But I felt disinterested because I did not feel like you brought anything to the table. You were excessively needy from the get go. That can be a massive turn off in a guy. Just decided to give honest feedback I hope you work on becoming more assertive, less needy, more resonating and bring more from your side to gain a woman's interest. I don't hate you and you are not hated. Just that you lack attraction skills. Goodluck.

Working on my lying habit.

@Tortured Soul thanks. When I complete the book I'll publish it.

My erotic writings.

@Tortured Soul why

I'm feeling better now.

Time to sign out. I just need some rest. I can't take this. It's painful.