Preety_India

I still feel the embrace of the breeze and the call of the coucal

@Knowledge Hoarder did you see my second point?

Emotional issues, family issues and past trauma. I have already shared them in my journal The healing Road. In short these issues were abuse that I suffered from my bipolar mother for a huge part of my childhood. Second is dealing with her bipolar disorder as her caregiver. I am her primary caregiver. So it's difficult to deal with her disorder. And caring for her can be challenging. . . Freedom from an abusive relationship that began in late 2017. This relationship had damaged my health and given me a lot of emotional stress. So it's a combination of childhood abuse trauma, having to deal with an uncooperative and tough family, and the impact of the past abusive relationship I ended. Things are at least a bit better than last week. I have been feeling upbeat today. Was listening to music in the morning. I feel so calm when I'm having a good day. Came across this quote in the forum today.. "wherever tears fall, divine mercy is shown." I have experienced that in real. I like the feeling of God watching over me. Feels comforting. Sometimes I get broody. Sometimes I get pensive. Today I was upbeat in the morning. But a memory of an incident made me a bit down again I need to chill and relax and let it go. Better things are always around the corner. I got a few goals completed this week.. Trying to purify my mind. This is the first step. Clear the mind of all the rubbish. Then like a star put all your focus and energy on beauty and creation - the womb. Focus on the crown chakra. See how it connects to the heart.

So who is Preety? I'm a complex person. A product of my circumstances but also a product of my own intuition and feelings. One thing if you need to know about my personality is that I am Fierce and Deep. I am a very serious and deep person. All the light heartedness, the emojis, all the laugh or funny stuff you see is only a way to not come across as too deep or intense. I can go from one minute of feeling very petty and laughing to another where my crying or sadness can be so strong that you would not want to be around me.. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That means I wear my emotions on my sleeve. My writing can sometimes come across as very emotional since I'm an emotional person. I hate being cold. I hate anything cold. If I ever appear cold that's my introversion showing. That's me being guarded and reserved. I was always shy and reserved at school. This version of me that you see is the one that has arrived at after many metamorphoses and incarnations. I grew a bit out of that shy nature. But not much. I still carry that childhood shyness and reserved nature. I am very serious. A lot of people misunderstand me. I like to be courteous and polite. So it's my need for courtesy that makes me look friendly. But in reality I'm not as friendly as I may appear. The outward friendliness is only a mask I need to wear to keep my inner self away from people. You have to understand introverts. Introverts don't like to show people their inner struggles or problems or their thoughts. Yes I do wear my emotions on my sleeve but I'm also good at masking them. I don't feel the need to show it to people. This is the reason why introverts hardly open up or are hard to be made to open up. I simply shut myself when personal questions are asked. Notice that my communication is always about something, but I hardly talk about my inner self. That's an introvert. Any conversation that needs me to open up, I immediately recoil. Introverts are never comfortable in engaging their selves with the world. They have a certain fear, a certain guardedness, a certain need to be left alone. I have enjoyed solitude in the past. I enjoy it even now. Some people in my family have always asked me how I could be so happy just being alone. Like my extrovert counterparts, I don't need to have someone to feel happy. I can be happy by myself. I always find something to be happy about. I am not a chatterbug, so I become your friend I will hardly ever talk. This behavior is in complete contrast with my outer personality. Because most people at first glance find me very sweet sweet and polite, social and gentle. They get attracted to me and want to be friends. But when I don't become friends with them, they feel very strange. My inner self is different than the outer self. If I showed my inner self all the time, my conversations with people might get boring and I will always carry a sense of embarrassment all the time, to avoid the iciness, I try being funny and social. But I maintain the distance. So people only get a glimpse of me. They think what they see is me. No that's just an outer "hi hello, how are you, you're welcome" outer self of me being courteous for the sake of courtesy. A lot of people try to get intimate with me just thinking that I'm must be very loving if I'm so polite. They later get confused when I don't respond the same way I did the first time. When they don't get to be intimate with me, that's where they see my true self. I'm a very raw introvert. So keeping to myself is my fundamental nature. I enjoy being this quite shy silent person. Because the inner me is deep and serious. I'm always thinking about deeper things in life. Often times I don't come across as loving. Like once my boyfriend was offended that I wasn't being warm enough, because I wasn't saying anything when he was having a bad day. I was just quiet. He is a bit of an extrovert. So he found it cold and strange. Actually it's not that. I am deep, sensitive but I don't always show in an intimate setting. I'm extremely loving and caring and deeply caring inside. It's just that I don't like to show it often. The feelings are not very open but they are deep.. I probably don't know the best way to show that I'm loving and caring but inside me I'm always loving that person on a much deeper level, more than that person would ever know.. One of the reasons why I am such a complex person is because I'm a combination personality. It's some traits mixed with others. This makes me dynamic. And also difficult for people to assess who I really am What does a combination personality mean? Now this is what it means. I am an introvert. But I also have moments where I wear my emotions on my sleeve. This gives a false appearance that I am this hot headed girl ready to bark at anyone and gets angry and messy. Actually those are just fleeting moments. Moments that are expressed due to a trigger. I'm not this hot tempered girl walking around just ready to snap at someone. I'm very cool and peaceful. I like this shy peaceful nature.. That hot headedness is just those emotions getting the better of me. They sometimes win their day by robbing my peace.

I'm also planning to change my name. This kind of journaling helps me because it's like tweeting. This helps me in keeping it together and not letting myself get lost in thoughts or other work. I know exactly what I'm doing.. I am going to use this journal for mini updates. Little things and reminders. Things will get better, I promise to myself. Focus on yourself and fuck that shit. Whatever the universe does it does it for good The only thing I hate is that I can't keep editing. I wish I could just sink into nothingness. But then there is always this needy me, the need for getting love and acceptance in any community is pretty strong for me, especially since the constant feeling of abandonment and neglect I experienced as a child. But whatever. I will think that the mountains are accepting me. Done deal. Nature can give more where humanity fails. And I'm such a strong soul. Do I ever give up? If I ever became a mother, my child will never feel unloved or abandoned, not the way I was raised, nope, I will shower my child with utmost care and love unconditionally, be the mama bear mother, my spirit will stay with by loved ones even if my body doesn't.. There is an innate quality to the spirit that nobody can rob.. I have come so far out of so much negativity thrown at me as a child, I conquered everything, whenever my mother thought that I was a nobody, I showed I was somebody. No child has to feel abandoned, lonely and unloved or undeserving by the mother. That's the worst way to raise a child.. My mother had already decided that I was the unwanted child. But I wasn't gonna give up. I have been fiercely loyal to all those I care about, to all those I love. Often times to my own detriment, because they would betray me. Later it would hurt like a stab. Imagine helping a person so much only for that person to call you a bitch and walk away completely abandoning you. Realizing that you did so much to help someone and they turn out to be grateful. And leave you when you need them. You get reminded of how shitty humanity is. I AM A LONEWOLF... I HAVE always known this. I was always a LONEWOLF. I used to sit alone on a bench.. I fucking did everything on my own. Not one help. Every little thing on my own. I fought for myself like a lion when everyone went against me. I proved them wrong when they decided things for me. My entire life was up until now a fight... A fight to live in a cutthroat world.... A fight against my own family. A fight to prove that I'm worth it. Nothing was ever served to me. I earned every single feather. Sometimes I feel like the only person who stood for me was me. I used to write a diary even as a child. I remember when I was 16, my diary entry was somewhat like "Who will be there for me across that bridge?" who will be there for me all along? I think I could sense betrayal even as a 16 year old. I knew at the back of my mind that my life was always going to be lonely, even if I had people around me, they would only be a facade, they will love me but it will be fake, that the person who will truly be around me when I need someone will only be me. I used to get creepy vibes knowing this but I also knew that this was the truth.

I'm having difficulty answering you. Yes it's a function of low self Esteem. But what do ya know dude, since I have been doing my meditation recently, I have been able to love people unconditionally (in context of relationships), I never thought this was possible but now I feel like I can love a guy even if he cheated on me, I have no clue.

Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me Nobody will hear me

Hmm. This.

18. Thoughts that I'll always be abandoned. 19. Thoughts that my life will only be a gimmick. 20 thoughts of deep pain and self pity... What happened. Why it happened. This is like a gash that cuts deep 21 thoughts that I will never be accepted because I'm different from everyone. 22 thoughts of feeling cornered and or isolated 23 thoughts that everyone is my enemy and the world is out to get me. 24 thoughts that I will never get what I truly want 25 thoughts of repression and shame 26 27 28

11 regret and remorse thoughts over my past actions and mistakes (of course I'll never ever repeat them) 12 suicidal thoughts.... "this life is not worth living" thoughts 13 thoughts of helplessness. Like I'm staring into dark space and nobody can help me. I'm screaming for help but nobody can hear. These are quite intense and extreme 14 thoughts of failure.... Nervousness accompanied by anxiety and this feeling that I have failed in life. Everything failed. I'm defeated. Self defeat thoughts 15. Thoughts of psychic attacks. The Devil has attacked me thoughts. 16 thoughts that I will lose everyone that I love in some manner 17 self sabotage thoughts.... Feels like I am not lucky or my work won't get through or I won't be able to complete or some obstruction will block me from success.

So types of Intrusive thoughts I get 1 sexual thoughts (not exactly Intrusive) 2 self harm thoughts 3 thoughts of graveyard 4 guilt thoughts. I excessively guilt myself over little mistakes 5 i get the hospital thoughts regarding my death. Last dream was me dying under horrific conditions and woke up feeling completely frightened 6 sad thoughts about my dad. I feel survivor's guilt with this one 7 thoughts that my life would end up like my dad 8 low self Esteem thoughts. I'm worth nothing. I'm not deserving of love. 9..thoughts regarding understanding. Nobody will truly understand me 10 thoughts of paranoia and suspicion. That someone will harm me.

So woke up with a bad headache. Not keeping well Just trying to feel okay. Drinking some coffee, just a tiny amount. I spent the whole night writing.

At the end of the day, someone who deeply loves you comes back to you.

When he is with me, I'm lost in another world.

Reece is holding me so close to himself, I feel lost in his affection. He understands my pain. I lean over him. I'm wearing a black dress. And with a big bow. And he touches that Bow.

Why did I even wake up

Reece I'm so tired I wanna sleep. Pat me.

I'm bound by Reece's love. He is so close to me. I just want to lose myself into him.

I was imagining you chasing me with this song playing in the background. I love you Jean But I can't go out tonight In the Machine All my thoughts are bound so tight Living in recording studios Makes me feel awake Life is just a brand new Echo A Digital Delay Love in your Eyes Oh Baby don't you realise It's only Love in your Eyes Oh Baby got to compromise It's only Love I love you too But you make me feel so sad A Mini Moog is just all you need so bad You are just a damn Sequencer Moving to the beat Living with a synthesizer Cold as a Repeat Love in your Eyes Oh Baby don't you realise It's only Love in your Eyes Oh Baby got to compromise It's only Love Input-Output Input-Output I love you Jean But I can't stand you no more Why do you scream? I can't hear the monitors Your voice needs an Equalizer Try to sing this song Filtered in the Harmonizer We can get along Love in your Eyes ...

@Federico del pueblo I already found the hottest guy. Thanks for the tips.

Satan gave me a rose......

Robbie Williams feel Come and hold my hand I wanna contact the living Not sure I understand This role I've been given I sit and talk to God And he just laughs at my plans My head speaks a language I don't understand I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in 'Cause I got too much life Running through my veins Going to waste I don't wanna die But I ain't keen on living either Before I fall in love I'm preparing to leave her Scare myself to death That's why I keep on running Before I've arrived I can see myself coming I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in 'Cause I got too much life Running through my veins Going to waste And I need to feel Real love and the love ever after I cannot get enough I just wanna feel Real love feel the home that I live in I got too much love Running through my veins To go to waste I just wanna feel Real love and the love ever after There's a hole in my soul You can see it in my face It's a real big place Come and hold my hand I wanna contact the living Not sure I understand This role I've been given Not sure I understand Not sure I understand Not sure I understand Not sure I understand

Whenever I'm sleeping in his arms, I think of this tune.

Took a ride to the end of the lane Where no one ever goes Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know But the pain and the longing's the same When you're dyin' Now I'm lost, and I'm screaming for help alone Relax, take it easy For there is nothing that we can do Relax, take it easy Blame it on me or blame it on you It's as if I'm scared It's as if I'm terrified It's as if I'm scared It's as if I'm playing with fire Scared It's as if I'm terrified Are you scared? Are we playing with fire? Relax (love) There is an answer to the darkest times It's clear we don't understand it But the last thing on my mind Is to leave you I believe that we're in this together Don't scream, there are so many roads left Relax, take it easy For there is nothing that we can do Relax, take it easy Blame it on me or blame it on you Relax, take it easy For there is nothing that we can do Relax, take it easy Blame it on me or blame it on you Relax, take it easy For there is nothing that we can do Relax, take it easy Blame it on me or blame it on you Relax, take it easy For there is nothing that we can do Relax, take it easy Blame it on me or blame it on you It's as if I'm scared (relax) It's as if I'm terrified It's as if I'm scared It's as if I'm playing with fire (relax) It's as if I'm terrified Are you scared? Are we playing with fire? Relax Relax

Bro........ Enough trolling lol. You're telling me how to totally crush and lose my man in one night, go get laid.