Preety_India

I can best describe my whole forum experience in these words that I wrote yesterday in my private journal. some part of me had died when I came here, some part of me has awaken.

I've never been so used to receiving hate elsewhere as much as I have been on here.. Not that it matters anymore. Some people simply hate me because I have 80+ followers. I know this. I can sense it. I can sense it in the way they express resentment about it. I have a strong intuitive sense. I tend to feel words rather than read words.. My intuition filter is so strong, that no matter what means you use for communication, direct or indirect, once you're in my zone, I know you. I feel you. I feel your energy, I feel your energy exactly as your energy lines up, you can't test me, the only thing that was my greatest strength as a child was my intuition, my capacity for it is overwhelmingly high, so when you come to me, whether you're well intentioned or not, you will be seen. You'll be felt. Sometimes I can act like a decoy and simply put you to the litmus test. Just to get to know you better. I'll use the roundabout method, although I'm not too good at it, but I'll use my own metrics to conclude your character. My intuition is not always on cue, sometimes it gets clouded by superficial fallacy brought on by sudden emotion. My intuition kinda backslides then. That's when I pull out my litmus test. I put a few drops of acid in the water, metaphorically speaking, I might ask you something that is out of the blue or wait till you get startled to see how you react to certain things. It's a test. But I won't let you know that. The funny part of all of this that most people just do not realise is that when you're judging someone youre being judged as well. This is what you don't get. When you judge me, you aren't exempt from judgement at the same time, both work concurrently, when you judge me, my mind has already judged you. You cannot judge someone and expect in the same moment to have an understanding of their persona. It doesn't work like that. Neither can you feign such an understanding, nor can you truly understand them, the judgement filter you place throws out all understanding there could possibly have been.

I would have never had India attached to my name I have had my fair share of racism on this forum plenty of times.. There was a user who called me "brown mouth" and when I countered him on it, he kept on justifying how it wasn't really racist. Using racial slurs isn't really racist now on a self development forum? Thanks lol. It's another user who is white who defended me and that's when more attention was paid to the situation. I have faced extreme levels of racism elsewhere on other forums. I can't even dare be on those sites without being routinely harassed for being a woman of color. For being an Indian woman. Shit hurts obviously When people show you hate, it's tough to still be nice to them. There was another time when a user called me a maggot. That was funny in some way of course I cried for 2 hours after that. Me being compared to a maggot? Seriously the level to which some people reach to simply trigger provoke and insult someone. This user then later came and apologized to me in private but the damage was already done. I didn't talk to him again. The discrimination that you face for being a woman of color is enormous and when people say that it's not a big deal, they really invalidate your experiences. How fair is it for you to say that it's something that I should learn to deal with, especially when you ARE NOT and will NEVER BE at the receiving end of it? There were plenty of other examples where some users would gang up one, these were mostly male users, some of the red pillers and just generally men who hate ethnic women and are not too open to show it. Their hate is visible in passive aggressive ways. I'm being deeply honest and also a bit sad while saying this. If this forum was a classroom, I would have fled it in tears within a week of joining. You can never understand someone's pain without being in their shoes. All you can do is judge and invalidate it. But never truly understand or have compassion for it. The only thing that gives me a miniscule amount of protection is this screen between me and this forum. I feel protected. In real life I would never be able to face people when they are outrightly being racist in my face and giving me a hard time. What are my alternatives for defense? If I call them racist, they will say I'm using the race card, im using the woman card I'm using this card, I'm using that card, when the simple point in defending self is not attacking their identity or maligning them but to let them know that certain thoughts, opinions hurt other's self esteem and even if you believe those opinions, they are better left unsaid, especially directly to that person? The main question to ask is - what exactly do you seek to accomplish by hurting someone so directly? Does it make you feel good about yourself?

The disinterest is mutual.

Most people who regularly visit my profile hate me any way. This is no secret. Your attention never makes me feel better. Never did. I am generally suspicious about people who give me attention. It takes time for them to grow on me and for me to finally slightly like them. I have known this for 3 years now. It's like what they call it -- hate following Some people follow me not for my content, but just for the curiosity of it, nothing wrong with that, and some people follow me simply to annoy me. The so called haters, meanie peeps. I had some old followers on here and they were good friends but they left after a while. Trust lesson number one - only and only trust those people who talk to you regularly. And even then don't trust them fully There was this this guy that I was friends with at least for a year and he unfriended me and unfollowed me because we had a conflict over a topic, he had different opinions, I am personally not the kind of person who will unfriend you simply because you have a political opinion different from mine, that is such a childish thing to do, unfriending simply because someone thinks differently, unless it's like something where I feel a total disconnect in terms of deeper values, for example if my friend said something like sex trafficking is okay, in that case I hit a roadblock, sorry not sorry, I cannot compromise on certain things, not that people shouldn't be given a second chance, not that they can't become better people, but some things can be so extreme that I don't want to be associated with such sociopathy, I am better off without their friendship, of course they can change and approach me at a later date, I'm not so close minded to not accept them, I might want to review our friendship once again if I feel I can trust them enough. Only if I feel I can trust. My trust is a hit or miss. Either I trust you all the way, or I close off completely. All or nothing. In terms of friendship and general cordiality, I have put extreme effort in keeping the bond from my end, I try my best to be loyal. I dont give up. I only do when I sense a threat or if I feel I'm not valued enough. So even if you were angry at me or lashed out or anything happens that is awkward, I still forgive and take you back if our bond was already strong and my trust level high enough. The main word is trust. If I trust you, I can easily forgive you for your trespasses. Even if you assault me. But if I don't trust you, nothing you do will ever measure up to me. Today's biggest lesson. Don't ever refresh the browser again. Big regret. Either take a screenshot or copy it down in some notepad.

Side note - I hate people visiting my profile. But this is something that will happen whether I like it or not. Sometimes my friends visit my profile to talk to me or to signal me that they need to talk. Or if something went wrong. For the mean time, I can close the tab for the profile visitors and not have to worry about pesky visits. Like, really?? What's so special about my profile? If you want my content, my content is already in my signature, click that if you want to read every goddamn thing about my vagina and eat me out as you wish, if you're so damn curious about every nitty gritty about my life, I don't care, but leave my profile alone. There is absolutely nothing on my profile except a bunch of followers list, my face isn't plastered there, there is a background cover, my birthday being on February 21 and my location being unknown (actually known without me wanting it because of my goddamn username ). That's it. What else does someone see there? Do you routinely come to check if I have more followers or less followers? What's the curiosity about? Or do you plan to check my regular moods? The only person whose profile I regularly checked was this guy Ontology because I used to talk to him and I wanted to check if he was online to talk to.. I still talk to him and check his profile sometimes.. I check a profile if I think the user is new, or out of mundane curiosity or if I'm talking to that person. Otherwise no need. I keep to myself. I'm not too curious about who's what, where, when, why etc etc etc etc I have enough shit on my plate to deal with

Ok I just lost whatever I was writing because of a browser refresh and its quite annoying. I also forgot what I had written Double whammy

Am I going to stop being myself just because someone hates me. No. There is no reason to.. Experiences of racism on this forum. I'm going to talk about in detail about those experiences. This means revisiting those memories. On a side note - I'm glad that I cut off with that person. No more additional drama. Just Zen.

Am I going to stop being myself just because someone hates me. No. There is no reason to.. Experiences of racism on this forum. I'm going to talk about in detail about those experiences. This means revisiting those memories. On a side note - I'm glad that I cut off with that person. No more additional drama. Just Zen.

It's ok to just have a tiny group of friends who are faithful to you, support you and value you the way you would want to be valued. There is no need to feel bad if someone doesn't wish to appreciate you. It doesn't mean you're wrong or bad (although there is always a strong tendency to feel this way ), there is no need to feel upset or discarded or unwanted. I know it's easier said than done.. (I sometimes wonder why people even bother to visit my profile especially if you hate me ) to show me hate indirectly? I hardly care to visit anyone's profile, especially if I don't have the best feelings/vibe for them in mind, why bother someone you dislike anyway? It's my decency code. And if you think that I'm your Enemy number one then you don't have to worry about me at all, I don't give 2 cents (read it as 2 Fs ) about those I hate/dislike /or generally despise. I ain't ever coming your way to hurt you, conspire against you, plot against you or make your life difficult in any way, that's not my policy, has never been my policy, I simply leave you to your private hell, I got my own shit to deal with, my own worries to care about, and I focus on those who I can be helpful to in any way, or look for new bonds to forge, most of the time I'm too busy with my own shit, to even care about you or entertain your thought, unless you intentionally / unintentionally throw a stone in my direction, in which case I'm tempted to fight my battle, otherwise you just don't figure in my head, I'm not some hate monger, I just say my word, lash out a bit, bring out my angst (at least in the face of attack, I should have this much privilege that I get to say my side without my truth being denied, not fair that you get to rally your truth about me as truth meanwhile my truth gets shut down, it's nothing but slander if you feel your opponent shouldn't have the right to say their truth ).. I'll say my word and end it there, I don't like drama and dragging things on, I just don't appreciate the whole feral energy that comes with it, I like to stay chill generally unless in the face of extreme provocation, if you judge me for fighting back, then judge every person who fights back, why just me? I have never gone out of my way to deal with detractors. I just keep to myself and if there is someone I hate and they are being ganged up on, I don't jump on the bandwagon, I don't do that kind of chimpery, this is not to mean that I am some Saint, this is just my policy. I just don't want to deal with someone I hate. I let them be them for the sake of sanity. Remember you're the biggest reason why I was never able to talk to anyone on this forum for 2 long years. Apart from my own introversion. And you're still the reason why I'm scared to talk to people. You befriended me in another account without ever telling me that it was you, hiding under another identity and then befriending me. I never knew until a long time had passed. And when I learned about it I was shocked but I thought maybe this is what you wanted. But you're a blessing in disguise. You taught me how not to trust people too much especially when they do sneaky things. You taught me to be wary of people. You taught me that my soft sweet side would easily get preyed on. You taught me that I needed Dragon Energy. ..

It's ok to just have a tiny group of friends who are faithful to you, support you and value you the way you would want to be valued. There is no need to feel bad if someone doesn't wish to appreciate you. It doesn't mean you're wrong or bad (although there is always a strong tendency to feel this way ), there is no need to feel upset or discarded or unwanted. I know it's easier said than done.. (I sometimes wonder why people even bother to visit my profile especially if you hate me ) to show me hate indirectly? I hardly care to visit anyone's profile, especially if I don't have the best feelings/vibe for them in mind, why bother someone you dislike anyway? It's my decency code. And if you think that I'm your Enemy number one then you don't have to worry about me at all, I don't give 2 cents (read it as 2 Fs ) about those I hate/dislike /or generally despise. I ain't ever coming your way to hurt you, conspire against you, plot against you or make your life difficult in any way, that's not my policy, has never been my policy, I simply leave you to your private hell, I got my own shit to deal with, my own worries to care about, and I focus on those who I can be helpful to in any way, or look for new bonds to forge, most of the time I'm too busy with my own shit, to even care about you or entertain your thought, unless you intentionally / unintentionally throw a stone in my direction, in which case I'm tempted to fight my battle, otherwise you just don't figure in my head, I'm not some hate monger, I just say my word, lash out a bit, bring out my angst (at least in the face of attack, I should have this much privilege that I get to say my side without my truth being denied, not fair that you get to rally your truth about me as truth meanwhile my truth gets shut down, it's nothing but slander if you feel your opponent shouldn't have the right to say their truth ).. I'll say my word and end it there, I don't like drama and dragging things on, I just don't appreciate the whole feral energy that comes with it, I like to stay chill generally unless in the face of extreme provocation, if you judge me for fighting back, then judge every person who fights back, why just me? I have never gone out of my way to deal with detractors. I just keep to myself and if there is someone I hate and they are being ganged up on, I don't jump on the bandwagon, I don't do that kind of chimney, this is not to mean that I am some Saint, this is just my policy. I just don't want to deal with someone I hate. I let them be them for the sake of sanity. Remember you're the biggest reason why I was never able to talk to anyone on this forum for 2 long years. Apart from my own introversion. And you're still the reason why I'm scared to talk to people. You befriended me in another account without ever telling me that it was you, hiding under another identity and then befriending me. I never knew until a long time had passed. And when I learned about it I was shocked but I thought maybe this is what you wanted. But you're a blessing in disguise. You taught me how not to trust people too much especially when they do sneaky things. You taught me to be wary of people. You taught me that my soft sweet side would easily get preyed on. You taught me that I needed Dragon Energy.

If anything that the utterly gruelling past 5 days on the forum have taught me (with all the forum drama pushed my way ) is that people aren't worth my attention, I should be strictly myself, say "bye " to those who don't value you enough. It's either this or that. There is no middle ground. You can't be a soy boy(girl) while dealing with this sort of shit. You need to have grit. You have to be a daredevil and give up all those polite platitudes and get straight to the truth. Cut the shit. Does this make you narcissist in the long run? Perhaps yes. Maybe there is a certain truth when we think society creates our next mall shooter. I lost my temper at last. I lost my cool. A person can only take so much in the face of an outright attack on personal character and integrity.

I changed my profile picture as a revolt against this forum. I don't care what you think about me, it's your own delusion to worry about, I take no part in your useless assumptions about me. I won't keep defending my character endlessly. That's not the fight I signed up for.

Note to myself You have to hammer it in your head that no matter what, you're a woman of color and so your worth and value as a woman will always be lower in the eyes of the world, thinking otherwise is living in delusion. Learn to accept than resist.

I don't want too much attention drawn to whatever I write I don't want too much attention drawn to me period. I made a few changes to my profile so I don't attract attention here. I don't care about identity anymore. I used to care about it. now no more. I removed my profile pic and put some random picture of a green room so as to escape the anxiety of attention. But I generally feel uncomfortable when I don't have a specific identity. So maybe once in a few days I'll bring back my previous profile pictures to feel at ease again I enjoy my identity. But identity can easily get you into trouble. People use your identity as a person to make a caricature out of you, to target you. I have to tell you, surviving online is like a game of chess. You have to make every move so carefully. If I have kids one day , I will probably tell them to simply log off and play in the park. Plus you always suffer the boycott problem Everyone scapegoating you. Boycotting you. Ostracizing you. It can get hard very quickly when you feel ganged up on. Being a woman in this regard is a very fortunate thing. Women have this as a blessing. The Society as a whole is very sympathetic to women. Especially western society. I can't say the same thing about Indian society. Whenever a woman gets ganged up on, most men are very sympathetic. They want to give her a leeway. This is a double edged sword, it's both a bane and a curse. If she is truly innocent, it helps her cause and she can be freed from the dangers of being outlawed, however if she is not innocent, she can get away with a lot. This can be easily dangerous. This is what I talk about when I talk about feral energy being dangerous. This is what I mean when I say you need that Dragon energy to shut down people hell bent on destroying a system. This is what I mean when I say "females can be abusive as well" and how amd how much they can get away with, in comparison to men. You'll only understand this if you lost your job because of a woman making false accusations. This is where you need Dragon Energy. When Metoo movement goes out of hand, and men lose careers over silly shit, that's where you need Dragon Energy. Unless you're born as a woman in India, parts of Africa or in the Middle East, or as a Woman of Color in a white country, you would pretty much have a ubiquitous advantage and privilege as a woman anywhere and everywhere in the world.

Being a woman in this regard is a very fortunate thing. Women have this as a blessing. The Society as a whole is very sympathetic to women. Especially western society. I can't say the same thing about Indian society. Whenever a woman gets ganged up on, most men are very sympathetic. They want to give her a leeway. This is a double edged sword, it's both a bane and a curse. If she is truly innocent, it helps her cause and she can be freed from the dangers of being outlawed, however if she is not innocent, she can get away with a lot. This can be easily dangerous. This is what I talk about when I talk about feral energy being dangerous. This is what I mean when I say you need that Dragon energy to shut down people hell bent on destroying a system. This is what I mean when I say "females can be abusive as well" and how amd how much they can get away with, in comparison to men. You'll only understand this if you lost your job because of a woman making false accusations. This is where you need Dragon Energy. When Metoo movement goes out of hand, and men lose careers over silly shit, that's where you need Dragon Energy.

Plus you always suffer the boycott problem Everyone scapegoating you. Boycotting you. Ostracizing you. It can get hard very quickly when you feel ganged up on.

I don't want too much attention drawn to whatever I write I don't want too much attention drawn to me period. I made a few changes to my profile so I don't attract attention here. I don't care about identity anymore. I used to care about it. now no more. I removed my profile pic and put some random picture of a green room so as to escape the anxiety of attention. But I generally feel uncomfortable when I don't have a specific identity. So maybe once in a few days I'll bring back my previous profile pictures to feel at ease again I enjoy my identity. But identity can easily get you into trouble. People use your identity as a person to make a caricature out of you, to target you. I have to tell you, surviving online is like a game of chess. You have to make every move so carefully. If I have kids one day , I probably tell them to simply log off and play in the park.

One thing that you should remember is that youre never going to get the same value for yourself that others get. It won't ever happen. Don't try to impress anyone. It will never work. Be you.

I would have never had India attached to my name indian men having issues with me wasn't really my biggest problem here, although it felt that way sometimes.. Passive aggressive men can exist anywhere and everywhere and I had my fair share of dealing with them, not just from my country but from other countries as well. This was my major issue on the forum at least for some time, being heckled for simply being a woman with an opinion especially in the months of January to August of 2020.. I had to take a lot of flack for expressing how I felt. I was being name called every other day, my topics being trashed, things I used to say would be taken out of context very routinely and it was very frustrating. There were a few users who almost went on a hate campaign against me telling every user that I was a bad person, routine character assassination was the norm. It was very difficult to simply be myself.. Yes I had some opinions but they were facts. The forum was very red pilled at the time. It still is. The forum wasn't able to handle my opinions, especially the red pill guys I hated the whole red pill psychology because it painted women as objects with no soul My feminist combativeness against red pillers here was very intense One mistake I made was not thinking too much before I spoke/wrote. I didn't want to be too diplomatic about my opinions. I wanted to send the message strong and clear, loud and clear. This got me in troubled waters very quickly. Hordes of Red pill men who had joined the forum at the time went full force against me.

I would have never had India attached to my name although the Indians that I encountered here weren't of the above category, they were nonetheless not much better, not all of them though. Some of them who had private conversations with me would be either controlling or very passive aggressive types. I had to block them, they were getting too controlling and argumentative, also the gaslighting ones, the testy ones. It was a bit too much. I had a harrowing experience with an Indian guy here in 2019 but I won't talk about it. It would be too personal. My cyber safety was at risk with that person. That's when I realised that I had to be hyper conscious about Indian guys in general. This problem was more frequently experienced with Indian men who were directly from my country, born and raised in India, however this wasn't the case with Indians who were living as immigrants or were born abroad (in other countries ).

I would have never had India attached to my name in the beginning while making this account, I had this mindset that I won't run into many Indians here, it just didn't occur to me that way. I usually came across Indians only on social media, mainly Facebook, where this problem was rampant. I never thought that a self development forum would attract people that I had encountered previously online. So yes, from time to time, even on this website I would get random messages from Indians especially in the beginning, but I wasn't too pissed because it wasn't as extreme as elsewhere.

I would have never had India attached to my name The first experience as an Indian girl on this forum was being trolled, spammed and bullied by Indians themselves. Surprise? I have to admit, I was very stupid. If you told me now to sign up on this website or any other website on the internet, the last thing I'm going to do is include my Indian identity. Not because I'm ashamed of my cultural identity, there are great things about India that you would know and feel If you are a real Indian. You would appreciate being an Indian very much, in my heart I do.. I would simply avoid my Indian identity to specifically avoid Indian trolls and perverts. Not all Indians, but this is a pervasive problem on the internet that only india born Indian girls will fully understand and relate. You get so many Indian guys hitting on you, sliding into your DM, they have no value for your privacy and personal boundaries. These memes are hilarious at first but they are very true. This is not to say that every Indian man on the internet is going to be this way but being treated this way as an Indian girl is a far too common experience not only for me but for other Indian girls in my life. In fact, I had come close to shutting down one of my social media account once because of this menacing behaviour. You would get many guys (just like guys who grope you on the bus ) sliding into dms and then asking you a bunch of uncomfortable random questions and then wanting to talk straight up about sex as though you owe them something for simply being a woman.

I would have never had India attached to my name these feelings are generally lodged in my subconscious and they don't even resurface most of the time, only during sudden moments of quiet or just randomly, when they are least expected. So where was I? Yes. I got swayed by the whole relationship talk.. I did not realize in the beginning that being Indian was such a big thing here. My bad? Right? Also I hadn't spoken to anyone here for the longest time being here. It was a self imposed isolation, I had a loner personality. I still am very much a loner. A lonewolf I came here in 2018, and I spent the whole of 2018 and 2019 not speaking to anyone, just keeping to my journals. It was only in late 2019 that I decided to open up a bit on this forum, with a hearty welcome from forum users in the beginning followed by mixed results over time. I also gained my majority of followers when I wasn't talking to anyone, which is both an irony and a paradox..

I would have never had India attached to my name Trauma of being surrounded by white people online Preety is my name. When I first signed up here, I thought I should not name myself as only Preety. I felt it would be too short and not unique. What if someone has the same name? Plus there was some thought that my country name should reflect because I didn't want people to constantly ask me online, which country I came from? I wouldn't need to introduce myself. I was quite naive or maybe super smart. I don't know. If I were born in Japan or Germany, I would have still done the same thing. I would have included the country name in my username. Am I ashamed of my cultural identity? Not at all. I'm proud of being Indian and of being from India. I didn't know that India was looked down upon at the time of making this account. I had no idea that on the international scene people saw India as something inferior and that Indians were target of racial hate just like blacks. 2018 was also the year of my relationship with Joseph. I had no idea that he would be racist to me in the relationship.. In the beginning he was very respectful of the fact that I was Indian. I thought I was having a great interracial relationship. I was very open to the idea of an interracial relationship. I come from a culture where people of different religions can marry. We as modern Indians don't hold racial cultural barriers to marriage because India is a very mixed country. My problems with Joseph would only arise later in the relationship when for the first time he began to use racial slurs during arguments.. That was a culture shock and a huge blow to my self esteem. I felt like trash. That was also the first time I was made to realise I AM INDIAN