Preety_India

Oh wow nice, thank you. Ive heard chamomile tea is great. It promotes relaxation, i tried it only once. I love Himalayan teas.

Then you must be the most handsome lad in the class

He must be good then

Meta love or noble love Oxytocin love Sexual or primal love I don't think a man or a woman's life is limited to one love. There are 3 forms of families. One is the birth family One is the love family One is the soul family Soul family consists of people who generally support each other. Support you. People who deeply care about you. But these are dummies because they don't change in their forms of love across the board.. Their love is pretty much one dimensional The birth family is the family in which you're born. Here you create important blood relationships. Obviously these relationships is where you expect the highest form of love. The love family is where you experience all kinds of love.

I'll need to name these characters The biker's girl is Beth The good guy's assistant is lizzy The tough guys assistant is Jovie The graffiti girl is Cassia I want to elaborate on these roles based on my creative imagination.

So here how I'm visualizing the characters in my head. First the biker guy Second the tough guy The good guy And the graffiti girl

When you are thinking about maturity think about what exactly are you trying to accomplish That is a big clue Discuss compartmentalization as well. Box in box out technique

Will write random short notes here and transfer them later to the appropriate journals.. This way the topics don't go "HOT"

I was going to write about why gossip is so dangerous. There are three characters that were in my mind this morning A biker guy A graffiti girl A strong virtuous dedicated man struggling in a difficult environment

Dragon energy also means the ability to compartmentalize. Ive learned that in order to survive in this tough environment or culture both online and offline I'll need to learn to compartmentalize everything that I take in from my immediate environment as "supportive " and "non supportive. "

Going to add here

@Preety_India The above 40 character qualities are exceptionally important in any environment.

These are the things that I need from my environment Support Love... Tender love Intimacy Sex (of course in a relationship) Laughter Peaceful interactions Respect Warmth Decency Welcome Accommodating environment Value Friendship Companionship Loyalty Acceptance. Gentleness Humility Understanding Empathy Compassion Belongingness Affection Affectionate care Fondness Patience Serenity Help Faith Consolation Comfort in distress Care Happiness Peace Joy Encouragement Trust Bonding Empowerment Fulfillment

This place is only safe if you keep to yourself all the time I need to ask myself the question what do I need from my environment? Maybe I will get some useful answers

This journal is an honest account of how I felt here (not that I was going to be treated any other way, by now it's clear how the general internet is going to treat me wherever I go, the picture was only slightly hazy when I first came here ) Although there were many bad experiences, these were inundated with good moments as well, there were some memorable moments as well, like the one where nearly 40 people encouraged me to dump my abusive boyfriend, that will be the highlight in terms of the good things I got from this place. It felt like a family for a while. But anyway I don't wish to reminisce all that. That's gone. I almost grew up here and the better part is behind me. I have to focus on the present. The other intention and purpose of this journal was to find solutions to finding peace here and ultimately JumpStart my journey without letting the forum interfere with that. I'm not going to keep lamenting about the forum whole day every day, it's just a sort of therapy, a valve, an outlet when I feel jammed and suffocated here or if I want to throw it out of my system by venting it out, venting has never been useless unless that's the only thing you plan on doing The one image that comes to my mind is that of a strong man. (The other image hounding me this morning was that of a biker ). And the third image that of a graffiti girl great at art

At this point I don't even want to have a forum identity. I want to keep rubbing off anything that gives me an identity here (not in real life ) *Thinking of images in the shower rubbing and scrubbing off my skin really hard till it bleeds so I'm stripped off my identity entirely. What good is it knowing that you are a person and your personhood never respected, throw it away if it only brings more trouble than good. Become a non identity. A non entity.

This forum is more toxic than most places on the internet. (A blessing in disguise. ) Ive already stated elsewhere that I was cyber bullied for straight 3 months before joining this forum. The guy who harassed me was an Irish guy and he was romantically interested in me and when I rejected him, he made 17 accounts to harass me. It was a very rough experience but I also laughed it off later because I simply couldn't believe that it was real. Other experiences include being subjected to racial slurs online and one American guy relentlessly going after me because I did not like Trump. These are just the very prominent ones that come to mind. There were several others that completely changed the way I perceived the world of internet. Those places were random chat forums and message boards, and boy, were they cruel! They were very toxic and dangerous. Just everyone on edge looking for trouble. This forum is a slight upgrade in comparison. However lately I don't feel this way. I've come to the sad realization that this forum is far worse than I originally thought. It's a cesspit of crabs biting each other.. There are layers of great uncertainty to this forum. You never know what might happen. A random attack can come out of nowhere. There are layers of drama and social gaming interwoven into it that make it even worse than social media. On social media like Facebook you have the option to block someone completely, here you don't. The whole forum is designed like an evil chess game, you don't realize this at first at all, but over time it traps your energy, uses your own personality against you, keeps you away from being yourself, you get gaslighted with limited options to defend yourself against, moderation is good only for external trolls, but ineffective against internal affairs, social gaming is extreme, creates a cycle of addiction precisely due to the drama component, people are generally addicted to drama or fuss and the forum has no shortage of this and the people who are at the center of this drama pay a heavy price with their mental health causing a lot of people to act unhinged and always be on edge. Also there is a Russian Roulette component here. Everyday it's someone's turn and you never know when your turn comes next. Someone is always going to be randomly picked up to become the next victim. This fucks with your emotional axis and leaves you feeling very needy and vulnerable which is exactly opposite of what someone should feel here - warm and welcomed. However this is also a blessing in disguise.. Because it steers you (only if you're a hardcore self help junkie) in the direction of working in solitude, in the effort to try and stay away from the social gaming + socialization. Thus it initially gives you a slap in the face but eventually the slap directs you towards a curve where you integrate more of what's aligned to overall growth. I WILL CALL THIS PROCESS SHUNTING It basically ends up streamlining and aligning you to your highest growth. An example of this could be like this - You've been surrounded by people who eat a poor diet and that causes them to suffer and die and you pick from that experience and always eat healthy to never end up like them. Their experience has redirected you to being aligned to your highest growth

I'm not as strong as you think I'm. I'm tired and weary of this strong woman crap. It is not beneficial to me in any way. If at all, it only makes things harder for me. If you're saying it to encourage me or as a pat on the back, that's fine. Just like you shouldn't harass Leo with his health concerns, you shouldn't harass me with the strong woman nonsense. Okay, I will try to explain why I get triggered by it. First of all it reinforces cultural stereotypes. The whole stereotype is that somehow black women (especially ) and other women of color are strong just because they are perceived this way. This couldn't be any further from the truth. The truth is this cultural mentality does more harm than good. I don't need to be some delicate angel to prove that I'm worth being cared for. Sometimes such thinking means that the person is exposed and consequently more vulnerable to being subjected to heinous bullying and exertion. The underlying message sometimes is - "you're strong, so suck it up, don't complain " and other times it translates "you don't exactly need my emotional support because I'm sure you can pull through, and it's not a big deal to you anyway." This leaves room for more provocation and hurt. So does this mean that because you (falsely ) perceive me as strong, you get the right to keep hurting me? This perception means that if a black woman cries, it's not out of pain, but more drama. If a colored woman cries, her tears are taken for granted, because sure society has already decided with certainty that either black women or other colored women somehow aren't feminine enough to experience pain or are too strong and can cope with it.. This hurts every area of life. You're trying to seek help but nobody pays attention because the general consensus is that this person doesn't need any help.. I've been denied help plenty of times even in my most vulnerable moments simply because I was perceived as being too brave. And so there were no consolatory words offered to me. I was abruptly wrapped up, my tears and cries never mattered. In my honesty, women who call other women brave and strong, or who try to simply imply that connotation are secretly harming by complimenting them that way. I don't see such women as favorable anymore. I don't think that they come to you in good faith. If their entire rhetoric is around "you're a strong woman so I don't think that you should cry. Or your problems are no big deal " then they are secretly trying to hurt your chances of getting help and sabotaging your womanhood. I sometimes think women who do this do it on purpose to diss other women in polite ways. I'm wary of women who call me tough and strong. It automatically sends a negative response. To top it off, it's not even the truth, if I were ever going to give it some semblance of credibility. I'm not strong. I'm very mentally weak and emotionally fragile. At the most the things I'm good at are sex and romance, intimacy and affection and caring. I was never good at fighting. I never fought. That thing weakens me. Also how is it that someone's past is an automatic indicator of how much they can take? If I say that I endured a lot of child abuse, how does this mean that I can take a lot in life? If at all, it only means I won't be equipped to deal with a lot, as a result of my trauma, my physical and mental energy has been weakened, I've become more sensitized and vulnerable and as a result, people who speak to me, have to use their words with caution so as to not cause more harm or reinforcement of the trauma People who took a lot in life do not need your judgement or bullshit, if you cannot understand, the best is to leave them to their devices. They will eventually scramble and crawl towards the shore somehow, they are no stronger than you or anyone, it's just they aren't as privileged.

I call this whole process sorting out my forum identity,boundaries, image, space and influence.

Ok since the mayhem that broke out a few days ago and in the light of it, I decided to completely cut out much of my contact on this forum. It's just not good for my health for nearly 4 people texting me everyday on any particular day. I'm not your free entertainment value pack. I'm a human being, not a number. (*mind immediately ran to Ariel Burdett, my favourite girl ) The number of people who I'm now going to interact with has reduced to a single digit. Very few people who I think are a safe bet with regards to daily conversations I'm not going to reveal their names. Because last time when I revealed some names, I ran into major embarrassment. The person who I thought was my friend announced that they weren't my friend (happens on this forum, it's a self development forum, ) So some of the people who were talking to me, I kinda blocked them. Maybe I'll get some new folks to talk to as time passes by, who knows, but for now, I'm happy with this arrangement. Only keep those bolts that fit into the groove, only keep those friends who actually care.

Some lady one day came to me and told me privately that i remind her of a woman who could lead a pack of wolves. Hmm That was the biggest irony of it all. People assume that I must be too strong simply because I wear my heart on my sleeves. The most that I can lead is a pack of cats (umm, that's what I actually did as a child. )

For a hot minute, I thought someone commented on my thread and I glanced back in fear, my heart rate shot up for a good 4 seconds. Haha. I'm that much terrified of this place now. It feels like a jungle where I need to carry my bottle of dragon energy drink all the time or I'm fucked. I came up with a label for my new found fear of the forum Forumophobia

I'm a soft person. My health is not tailored to deal with all sorts of friction. Leave that to the wolves. You cant pound on me (you can pound me, but not pound on me ) and simply assume me to be some kind of a fuck doll waiting to receive your punches. If you come in my zone, either you be how I need you to be it, or walk out. There is no other alternative. And this is not from a Narcissistic or manipulative perspective. It's just from a perspective of honesty, that I can't deal with such people, maybe I can deal with them in future births, but not this one.

I just happened to glance through the dating section and lo and behold, what a mess!!! why-do-women-cheat-the-psychology-behind-cheating Haha. The thread turned into a complete joke. Total gender war. Just so much endless fighting over who is right - man or woman? This forum is never short of surprises.

This is something I always had. Something that I enjoy about myself.