Preety_India

How long could I carry on feeling helpless, unloved, miserable I wanted a shoulder to cry on, a body to hug. Someone that could hold me and say there is nothing to fear.

There is just nobody to hug me.

I felt like nobody understood me. I felt like I was dying.

An error in the title.

I had a dream one day. An old woman appeared in that dream. She looked somewhat like the picture below.. She asked me "why are you crying?" "why are you so scared?" I could not utter a word. I looked at her with fear. I felt helpless. How could I tell her what I felt? She was a stranger after all.. And her eyes kept searching through me. And she said "you're so beautiful. " And those words broke me.. Tears rolled down my face. Someone had said to me that I was beautiful, something I hadn't expected from some stranger. I felt like God had come to me in my time of despair to tell me that I was beautiful, that my heart was beautiful. I was a beautiful soul.. And this existence was difficult. Then an old man appeared. An old indian man. I looked at him with fear. But he looked at me kindly and told me that there was nothing to fear.. He wouldnt touch or rape me. He told me I was safe and had nothing to worry. He called me his daughter.. His spirit was like a lightning rod. His spirit made me feel protected and belonged. He morphed. He looked like this. He was holding an axe in his hand. I felt like the girl in the back. I felt trapped. I felt like I was in a jail. But he told me that he will kill the beast and free me. That no man would be able to touch me. He told me I was free.. And then he morphed again. This time he looked like an Indian guru. A sadhu. And he looked straight into my eyes. He said to me that nothing is permanent. And that I had to find my way back to God. That's where I would find peace.

I put so many nightmarish experiences behind me I had to face so many fears. Survival fears.

I love this Hindi song. It reflects so much of my emotions. And it's such a spiritual song.

Good one

@Striving for more hey that's not good. Don't use it again. You have no idea, that thing is very dangerous when it gets into your blood. Use organic fragrant soaps. And natural essential oils even if they are expensive, they don't come with such effects. Find natural ways. Flowers, oils etc Your own body smell is attractive, don't demonize it. You'll begin to enjoy your own body odor if you try to.

I'm trying to calm down I saw this border. Can look good in my journals.

And then leo had also started the actualized clips channel That calmed me down a lot.

And I made a final decision that if I was going to focus on anything it was going to be Leo and my work. His words had deeply resonated with me.

That's when I decided that Leo was going to show me the way out of all this That he was the only one I could truly trust. That's what I did. I put Leo's border that I created long ago in my journal and changed the entire format of my journals If I was ever going to look at any person on this forum it was going to be Leo. His face would make me feel cheerful.. It was as if he was telling me to cheer up. And Leo is honest. He doesn't play games. That's the best part about him.

Then leo calmed me down. Patted me on my back He knew I was going through distress. He wanted me to know that this is all temporary.

Last night I had a dream and Leo came once again and told me to be calm. Leo was the street lamp. He was the pillar I had to rely on. Leo told me to cry on his shoulders in the dream. He told me everything was going to be okay.

These past few days, maybe Leo intuitively realized that I was feeling nervous, upset and bad. He sort of consoled me on the forum. That was like giving water to a famished person. He came like a God. He made me feel confident again.. I felt better. He defended me. Sort of gave me a slight push. I felt better again. Thanks to him. He understands me like no other. He is an INTP as well. He knows fully well the struggles of being an INTP. We are generally misunderstood and attacked. We remain to ourselves and don't like conflicts and social bullshit. We are rarely into someone's business but we are intuitively aware of what's going on even without direct observation.

My period here between April 24 and April 29(this year 2021, just a few days ago before writing this post ) was an absolute nightmare. I had to make urgent amends so I did not suffer like that again. That's what I did I spent the last 4 days making all sorts of amends to my image on this forum, to my profile picture, to people that I completely blocked and ignored, messages that I had to delete and block. Everything was done at a fast pace. I radically reinvent myself and make changes to my boundaries and re setup my entire forum image and presence. I had to take charge of the situation, I was too angry. I had to show my grit that I wasn't going to be mistreated and made to suffer. I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE. You piece of shit. So the past days on the forum included radical changes. I reformatted the way I was going to post and my focus area and methods of interaction. I put on full display all of my resentment built up inside of me against all the abusive nonsense I had suffered on this forum. This was a build up of 3 long years on here. It wasn't easy. I had been patient for too long. It was my time to put people on blast for what they had done to me. And I had taken too much.

Yes now I got it. I've the screenshot. I was MAD. I was in absolute fury. Mad with rage. I was like a mad elephant. The incident happened just a day before the date of this posting. And I had been dragged to my limit. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to put out all of my rage, out there. So these posts were made on April 26 under extreme emotional distress.. I couldn't calm myself. And it is understandable.

I had suffered severe back pain on April 20 that continued till April 25 and I couldn't make any entries here. I was in deep pain. Horrible pain. After April 25, I resumed journaling once again only to come across another disaster. It happened somewhere, well let me try to remember.

Then it was the middle of April and I had opened a journal called House of Phrades. That was mid April. This was the best time because I was finally gathering all the elements together. How I was going to Shape my life. This continued till April 20. I made a couple of journals and I thought my journey had finally begun I was still dealing with tough emotions.. The source of these emotions were family, relationships, the guy I was talking to here with whom I had a faint romantic attachment, the person I had broken off with the month prior.. Etc.

The end of March I began to socialize a bit on the forum. This was the last week of March in a bid to make some friends here. The strategy failed because the response was dull and vague. It lacked steam. Most people were having issues and they were simply trying to dump their issues on each other. It was not a pleasant experience. The first week of april, I had to ween off my attachment to a person here who I had been talking to a long time, almost the entire month of March beginning March 5. I had been dealing with paradoxical emotions during this time. I had developed an unhealthy attachment with this person and it wasn't good for me to keep carrying with that. Eventually it sort of smoothened out.

January and February months were spent on the forum as a distraction because I was dealing with a breakup It was hard to deal with and I found solace in distracting myself on the forum. By mid March I had recovered from breakup Blues.

This Shadow Work & Emotional Healing (Inner Child Work). Self-esteem work. Exposure therapy. The Sedona method, compatible with Shadow Work. Journaling, very important, ime. Shamanic/Holotropic Breathing. Psychedelics, I haven't tried them personally, but some people suggest that they have healing powers. Practicing self-love, as in taking care of yourself and putting yourself before others. Improving boundaries. Improve awareness

So everything on this forum is finally fixed. Profile picture fixed ✅ Youtube logo fixed ✅ Youtube channel fixed ✅ Format for future posts is as follows ... ................................................... Focus only on Leo and work Leo Profile Main Table Format for posting fixed ✅ This is the divider I'm going to use.