Preety_India

My first boyfriend continued.... So I called Raj one evening. I told him that I need answers. He was being evasive. I was being a petulant teenager. I wasn't having it. It was making me angry. I asked him. Then there was a pause. Maybe he didn't want to lose me. So he had avoided such a conversation for a long time. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me. After the long pause, he shrugged. And then he began to explain me in a deep sad voice that nothing was going to happen between us. That he thought of me as a kid, nothing more. He said to me in clear words, that I was like a baby to him, he was too old to think of being sexual with me, he didn't entertain such a thought, he would never have thought of dating me because of the age gap. He wasn't comfortable being with a much younger woman. He felt like he was taking advantage of me. I was just 18 and barely legal. He was 33. He didn't look 33. He looked 25. I told him that it didn't matter how old he was. I liked him too much. He didn't care to listen. He said that he would never date someone who was 18. He felt awkward. He didn't want to play with my innocence. I was heart broken. I really wanted him to try me. I slammed the phone in anger. I was crushed. My crush wouldn't accept me because of a stupid age difference. I felt very depressed. I wasn't eating for a few days. I was upset and mad at everything. Having put so much emotion into it and then being told that I was too young to date. I was just a mess for some time. Eventually I forgot Raj. I stopped calling him. He never called me again. It was all over. He flew to Switzerland for his job the next month.

My first boyfriend continued.... Raj was very respectful. He had a sense of dignity and pride about him. He wasn't cocky. He was just mannerly and sophisticated, a quality that was very rare in the younger crowds. So anyway, a few months flew past, and I started writing letters to Mr Raj. Personal letters. I could have even said the things on the phone but I wanted it to be special. I would deliver these letters whenever I met him. Since I couldn't say such things on the phone, I wrote a letter and I wrote the words ' I love you' in that letter. I planned on giving him that letter. So I did. One day I met him at a party and I got too close to him. I got really close and he was quite tall. Like 6 feet tall. I kinda pulled him but my nervousness caused me to kiss him on the neck in a very awkward way. I was going to kiss him on the cheeks or lips but it missed his face and landed on the neck. I felt very embarrassed. So some days went by and I decided to just put a full stop to all this uncertainty around this mysterious tall handsome man in my life. I called him straight up one evening and told him that I need an answer. What's all this about? Why no response to my letters. I was being rude to him. Because I wanted to be done with all the passive show of attraction and it not going anywhere.

My first boyfriend continued.... He would speak in a very monotonous slow manner. Heavy voice. Deep voice. I was very high pitched and excited in my voice tones. He used to like my laugh and quirkiness. I had no idea why he used to call. But I used to feel good. I started calling him my friend. As some weeks went by, I grew more affectionate towards him and slowly developed a crush on him. Since he was 15 years older than me, there was no way I would have the confidence to say that I love him. Just no way, in those years I was too shy and nervous around men. I had not experienced sex by then. I was just a virgin. I had no boyfriend at that time. Mr SHT was later going to be my first boyfriend and my first sexual experience. But before Mr SHT, I had no prior sexual or any kind of experience with men. So I was not able to articulate my feelings for Mr Raj. I sometimes thought of him as an older brother, sometimes as a friend. I couldn't figure what feelings I had for him. But he was like an authority figure in my life. He would tell me things about career and degrees. He was like a teacher to me. I gradually started calling him in the middle of the night. This was to escape my parents attention. My mom was feeling a bit jittery and uptight whenever I would call Mr Raj during the day. She knew he was older so she didn't like me calling him. So I would call him in the night. Nobody in my family would know that way. It was all secret. I would not say much on the phone because usually I used to get very nervous while talking to him, I would talk to him the way a fan would talk to a movie star. I was just plain nervous during those days. Raj would never say anything sexual or offensive to me. He never said anything dirty. He made sure that I always felt safe. Had Raj been dirty in any way around me, I would have instantly broken off all ties with him, because even I barely had any experience with men, I knew to keep away from bad men and predators. I could easily sense if a guy was being lewd and lascivious. I never liked that pervy kind of guys. They were an instant turn off.

My first boyfriend now this is going to be a bit long. It's exhausting. But I have to write all of this once and for all. I think my first relationship started while I was studying. And it lasted only 6 months.. I will call this guy Mr SHT. This is an abbreviation of his name for short form sake, for reference. I know it probably sounds like Mr shit (haha). So this guy was very handsome and tall, taller than me of course. He came from a really wealthy family which I didn't know at the time when I was dating him. I came to know much later towards the end of the dating period. So I was doing really good with my grades. All the girls around me were acquainted with him except me. One day I was at a bookstore trying to get some books because it was the start of the semester. A lot of the guys used fancy large bikes then. And they would wear sunglasses and ride these bikes, maybe show off a few stunts to the girls to impress them. I wasn't into dating at all. I was very nerdy and just kept to myself. I had a crush just a year ago before meeting Mr SHT and it didn't go down well. The crush was 15 years older to me, he was introduced to me by my older siblings. He was their friend. I instantly had fallen for him. His manners were very pleasing to me. I will call him Mr Raj. Raj is a very common name in India although his name is an extension of Raj. Raj was highly educated, extremely handsome, one of the most good looking men on the campus, to see or find a good looking man on the campus was a rare sight because most guys who were smart in studies didn't pay attention to their looks and looked very nerdy with glasses and all, they would wear torn clothes, their hair would be unkempt and they would generally appear wimpy and shabby. I was a bit nerdy shy girl too, but this would change later. Raj wore very nice clothes all the time, his hair was always in place, his shirts were always without wrinkles, he would neatly fold his sleeves, his table was always super clean and neat, his clothes were fresh, his face was always clean shaven. He was so clean that he was almost like a robot with his upkeep and discipline. His mannerisms were impeccable. He would always welcome a woman, open the doors for them, pull out a chair for her etc. All the good manners that men display around women. This was a rare thing. Because most of the guys on campus were arrogant nerds some of them were sexist and wouldn't care about mannerisms around women. So Raj was a refreshing change. Raj was also 15 years older than me but he looked 10 years younger than his age. So it didn't matter how old he was, he always looked young and fit in well with the younger crowds. I met him through my older siblings and he introduced himself. He had his eyes all on me. I was the youngest in the whole crowd of friends. I was extremely naive back then. I had no knowledge of men and no contact of men except for my dad. I just didn't know men. I was instantly taken by all the attention Raj was giving me. He would praise me constantly. I had very low self confidence. I was always extremely nervous around him, not even uttering a word, since it was an older crowd of people, I largely kept to myself and didn't say much at all throughout the gathering /party. Raj was probably impressed by my shyness and demure nature. I don't know. Maybe it was me being much younger than him. He would try to flirt with me, but not in a vulgar manner, just nerdy flirting, casual, not too strong. As days went by, I grew more attached to Mr Raj. He would my home nearly every day. Mostly in evenings. He would call on my home phone, the general land phone which was for all family members to use. I would feel very nervous talking to him on the phone, sometimes my hands would shake just holding the phone.

This is how I felt in my relationship. Being gaslighted for just being my Natural self. This particular paragraph is so important for my life. I never developed boundaries. This is the most important advice for me.

Today is rant day. Even I do ayahuasca, but I don't turn into a spiritual diddly doo. Thank God my orange soul is not dead yet. It compensates for my Green fuckery. I don't do this shit either.

I'm also going to talk about fatal self esteem which I left out last time.. During Occupy Wall Street I became enamored with the theory of anarchy. I vividly remember being different from the other anarchists, as I was coming from the lens of orange consciousness. I would sit at the anarchy table during the occupation and spend most of my time discussing Friederich Hayek’s The Use of Knowledge in Society, and the concept of free market anarchism. Needless to say, the red consciousness anarchists did not agree with my thesis. Below is a grid for authorities, Occupiers and others to examine anarchism overlapped with Spiral Dynamics. This post was inspired by the paper by Dr. Don Beck and Chris Cowan, Spiral Dynamics and Terrorism. Purple/ Red- Black bloc anarchists. This group uses destruction and fear as a way to eliminate what they see is the issue; blue consciousness structure. Many Black Bloc'ers spend time marching on jails, destroying property of the orange conscious status oriented people in society, and covering their face, because the authorities highly target such a group (due to their inclination to do harm.) *This group is more red than purple, but they have a strong tribal contingent. Blue- None. No anarchists can be grouped into Order consciousness in my opinion. Orange- Anarcho Capitalists. This group feels that the market’s invisible hand can handle all the needs of the collective, building roads, military, hospitals. This is an extreme version of the well known Libertarians in the United States. Green- Christian Anarchists and Eco Anarchists. Christian anarchists believe in a world of unity, a world of peace. There is a heavy doctrine of nonviolent civil resistance, as a way to defy (perceived) evil systems that perpetuate war and violence. Dorothy Day and the Catholic Worker movement held this theory, and I was exposed to it during a volunteer program in Los Angeles (hence my tattoo.) Eco anarchists can be both non violent (Thoreau) or have an inclination to destroy property (ELF.) I came up with an eco, civil resistance based community project, Guerilla Gowanus, for my final project in Andrew Faust’s Permaculture Design Course. The desire was to provoke blue consciousness (police, FBI and NYC federal officials) into a standoff as we cleaned up one of the dirtiest bodies of water in the United States, the Gowanus Canal. I no longer seek to disrupt, only go back through my consciousness development for frame of reference. Yellow- Holocracy, Chaordic Organizations. This is a second tier perspective, so it could only be viewed as anarchism from a first tier perspective (especially blue.) Yellow concentrates more on systems development and less on ‘fighting the man.’ According to the turquoise consciousness Buckminster Fuller, “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” Turquoise- It’s all about the meta and the micro combining. At this stage, there is no differentiation of anything, so anarchism would not be separate from Order. Anarchist or not, let’s all move to the second tier; Let’s Build the Future.

Talk as if you're talking to your soulmate. To a source that is nourishing. Like the spring water flowing from the mountains. Flowing from a glacial source. This is an example of a source. The mountain glacier being the source of water. The source is always perfect. The corruption always begins later The sun being the source of sunshine. Source of heat

Great idea

I'm horny and I want Tips to spice up sex

I just have to withdraw myself. There's no point in doing anything. Just accept how things are. I need to get away from all the bullshit. It just creates a hate circle. So final decision made. Just don't do it anymore. Enough now. Focus on self and get the hell out of the forum. Let the men have it. You're not going to win anyway. The universe is telling me right now to move in the direction of abundance I have to follow Michel De Montaigne, Charles Baudelaire, Guy de Maupassant, Jean-Paul Sartre and Jan Matejko. Plus I also need to follow the stuff that I wrote the other day which I called "21st century is the way." The model of the 9 Delphinium deck will be explained later. Right now setting a reminder for that The next few months I have planned to immerse myself into courses. I'm not going to pay for these I will just look online for free courses. Not gonna waste money on paying. When the universe tells you to move away from something you do that. That's the only way. Because the universe knows what's best for you.. When something or someone doesn't serve your purpose anymore you have to leave it. You have to leave people who have turned toxic. You have to leave things that are toxic and serve you no good. Do what serves you best. Is what the universe is saying right now.

Symbol for delphinium So my Delphinium tarot deck is complete. Set of 9 cards Kai Koyosta Diazunté jujenthurp Zezet Drury Snakeroot Bohemia Viini and Delphi

I'll call this system the Delphinium . A set of systems that form a framework. Kai Koyosta Diazunté Bohemia Zezet Jujenthurp Drury Snakeroot Viiini Delphi Delphinium represented by delphinium plant

I want to practice loving radiance meditation

An old rant against my mom. After meeting my bipolar boyfriend, there has been a gradual shift in my attitude to her recently and I wish to be more forgiving now. One thing I have realized that I need a super strong memory. I have a very bad memory. This affects my work very badly. Because of it I have trouble remembering what I need to be doing. I can clearly see the advantage that people with good memory have. A years ago my memory was solid gold. But after that I went into solid depression for a long time during my second ex. I was battling. All the stress of family and relationships took a huge toll and my stress levels skyrocketed. After that period, nothing was normal. My weight fluctuated, insomnia, I didn't sleep for months. It was horrible. And then my memory took a hit. I remember my memory being extremely sharp when I was 18. Those days will never come back. I wish they would. I wish I descended like an angel on my 16 year old self and told myself, get the heck out, live your life, please get out soon, and please not these relationships, don't listen to these dudes, focus on self,...... I probably wouldn't have ended up regretting myself so much. I regret a lot of my past mistakes now. Those relationships. Not urgently taking drastic action against my toxic family. Not really doing anything and just letting things the way they were. I curse my mom for that. I was an intelligent competitive kid. Because of her and her terrible level of control, I stopped imagining. I used to lock myself in my room and not even want to talk to anyone. I just didn't want to live. I felt caged, depressed, sad, lonely, relying on toxic relationships to get by. Wish I had a loving mom. I wouldn't have suffered so much. Wish this woman was never a part of my life. She ruined me. I hate her the most. I don't have any obligation to this woman. She is not a mother. She is a piece of garbage who ruined my father's life and then turned on me. I hate women who give birth only to feel powerful. As if motherhood is their entitlement. No... Motherhood is a responsibility. And if you can't be a good mother then get the fuck out. I felt caged for so many years. I was nervous to even hold a glass of water in front of her. I used to tremble in front of her. She was not a mother. She was a monster. She created terrible anxiety in me. I will never forget that. But I'm a PHOENIX. THIS IS TO MY MOM YOU WOMAN, YOU BLOCKED MY ENERGY. YOU BLOCKED MY SOUL. YOU BLOCKED AND ABUSED YOUR OWN CHILD. CHILDREN ARE A GIFT FROM GOD. THEY ARE NOT YOUR TOYS. YOU TREATED ME LIKE GARBAGE. YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE BORN. BUT LISTEN UP. I WAS BORN ANYWAY. I WAS THE BEST CHILD ANY MOTHER COULD ASK FOR. I AM BORN A WARRIOR AND A SURVIVOR. AND I WILL FIGHT TILL THE END OF MY BREATH TO LIVE THE LIFE I WANT. I WILL COME BACK AGAIN EVEN IF I WAS DEFEATED. I WILL RISE LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES AND FIGHT AGAIN FOR MY LIFE. BECAUSE IT'S NOT JUST YOUR WOMB THAT BIRTHED ME, IT WAS ALSO MY DAD'S SPERM. HE LOVED ME MORE THAN YOU EVER DID. AND I'M HIS DAUGHTER MORE THAN I WILL EVER BE YOURS. YOU TURNED ME INTO A WACKO. BUT I STILL TURNED OUT TO BE A FINE WOMAN. BECAUSE I AM ALWAYS BETTER THAN YOU, BETTER THAN YOU CAN EVER BE. SO I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF ME. YOU WERE THE REASON WHY I ESCAPED FROM MYSELF. YOU WERE THE REASON WHY I FELL FOR ABUSIVE MEN LOOKING FOR LOVE IN WRONG PLACES. I AM A GOOD PERSON AND YOU TRIED TO DESTROY ME. BUT I WILL LIVE AND I WILL THRIVE. JUST LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES. AND LOVE WILL WIN AND HATE WILL BE DEFEATED.

I want to order a burger. I m feeling these hunger pangs in the middle of the night And a burger does a good job. Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed me sending high vibes! Picture the most amazing mouth watering burger with everything you love on it. "Cheeseburger in paradise" Breathe the idea in right through your nostrils, salvage every intake. Each new breathe brings more balance, calmness, and relaxation You are now feeling bliss-ed out

I'm feeling so excited about these new concepts. I even created tarots for these. Now I can roll, finally. Kai Koyosta Diazunté Bohemia Zezet Jujenthurp Drury Snakeroot Viiini Delphi I like the name Delphinia and Delphinus.

Loving these necklaces This glass bead looks like the center of the universe

I love symbols. I have recently discovered a new passion for symbology. Since I use a lot of symbols and sigils in my work, I can learn a lot from different symbols around the world. A total of 9 conceptual systems.

Symbols for 6 cloves. Grace Cross. And dwarf umbrella leaves. Grace Swan C pendant or ring with a C pendant. Zezet Chain of beads Delphi Lotus buds or heart pendant Viini Meditation spindle Sage life A lifestyle centered around Wicca, Wicca hut and inscription and symbol cards. Symbol. Bowl containing sage or simply sage sticks. 8 cloves Viini Sage life Delphi Grace Swan Grace Zezet Klis Rose Witchcraft Now grace and grace Swan are a part of Zezet. Rose witchcraft and sage life are a part of jujenthurp. Klis can be a part of Bohemia.

Klis has 2 components 1 Positive anticipatory visualization - anticipation of positive events and work on self esteem 2. Building up of positive distraction and cutting off toxic situations and replacement with positive experiences stacked one on another. Combined with extreme resistance to negativity.

Different spheres 6 spheres Total 4 spheres to follow Religion.... Worship of God. Dealing with the divine. Paganism. Knowledge. The quest for knowledge. Logic and simplicity. Knowledge that is beneficial for life. Spirituality and philosophy - dealing with the mental emotional spiritual realm of life. Religion can be a part of it. It's usually a collection of different spiritual practices meant to achieve a better spiritual health and live a spiritually oriented life, to have spiritual guidance. It's a lifestyle. It's directed towards living a more spiritual life. There are many forms and practices. Different schools of thought and different lifestyles or ways of life. Wiccan - magic, sex, love, secret knowledge and beauty, aesthetics, way of life, "ability to bring about " or "ability to influence "... Different forms of Wicca. Paganic materialism - the realm of reality and the world. The bad part of paganism like status wealth Occultism and witchcraft - necromancy... Supernatural... Paranormal... don't follow this sphere. Sometimes I feel witchcraft is necessary in this world to get rid of evil and terrorism and people who cause harm to good people. 7 cloves Viini Sage life Delphi Grace Swan Grace Zezet Klis

I remember creating my own religion, the Swan religion back in late 2018 - early 2019. And in my old journal Priti journal I have described certain concepts that look very old to me now but I can bring them back. Of course I'm going to follow them. So here are the concepts imported from the Swan journal. Religion De Swan Grace.. Cross ❤ Grace Swan.. C pendant ❤ Zezet. Chain of beads. ❤Delphi.. Lotus bud. ❤ Viini.. I'll include these in my previous posts on concepts. I'll include Swan religion under Zezet. Zezet will also include Grace Christianity and Grace Swan.. Grace Christianity was a version of Christianity I had created based on inputs from Justin Peters. I saw a lot of problems with mainstream Christianity in 2018 while writing the journal. So I had proposed some changes to Christianity to fine tune it further and thus I created Grace Christianity. I integrated some concepts of Grace Christianity into Swan and called it the upgraded version of Swan and labeled it Grace Swan.. All of these will be under Zezet. Viini deals with the individual's struggles with spirituality Delphi is all about productivity. Similar to Shion. The last is Bohemia which means including the good of all systems, cultures and religions and traditions, and creating a ever evolving blend.

Images used to describe the above concepts 1....Kai By cactus or succulents 2.....Koyosta It's represented either by a lion or a bunch of daisies. 3......Diazunté 4... jujenthurp By a set of cards 5.......Zezet Represented by beads necklaces 6.....Drury Snakeroot 7.....Bohemia. 8......Viini 9......Delphi

I have come up with a few names. To describe all of my insights, philosophies, systems of living, and concepts. These will be represented by names, images and symbols. Some of the names Kai Represented by Koyosta Diazunté jujenthurp. Using horoscope Zezet - concept discussed in 2019 Represented by beads or closed circle Drury Snakeroot Or Bohemia Viini Delphi