Preety_India

My SECOND BOYFRIEND I'm a very raw and direct kind of a woman. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. When I take a man, I take him head on. What's to lose? Why in the world would a man lie other than for his own benefit? To understand a man, you really have to look into his shadows rather than the good side he is constantly displaying. Men are experts at dating. That's how and why we have so many kids on the planet. It's a man's need for control. In places where men want more control over the female population, you will see more kids, more population, just look at the map. Men have learned the hunting game. And now stuff like pua helps them even more. Most women are very naive and don't realize all this. They are not exposed to all this information on men. Women just fall in love and don't bother to study men. Men on the other hand bother less about falling in love and more about studying women. Why. Because it's easier to get the next catch. Men might try to convince you that all this shit is for evolutionary advantage, that they are guided by biological forces, then wouldn't it be nice if all the men with less stamina, less mental abilities or less overall leverage stopped dating and only allowed successful men to date. Wouldn't that be an evolutionary advantage. Because men don't do things for biological reasons as they say. They do it for themselves. Obviously they are not going to tell you the truth. They deliberately hold back a truth about themselves because they don't think it's their responsibility or obligation to tell you a truth. Always go for a truthful man. Always. He is 95 % better than most men and save you a lot of time and frustration. Bud was very manipulative. This was the month of May. I was sleeping with Bud in my bed. My mom wasn't home. She was spending time in the US on vacation to Florida. Bud had told me not to tell her that we were sexual in our relationship. He wanted me to pretend that it was a platonic relationship. I guess he was afraid of Mamma Bear. Bud woke up at 4 am. I decided that I need to fix breakfast for him. He had to leave for work in a while. So I made some coffee and some oatmeal and a cereal bowl. I kept it for him on the table. Then I hopped into the bed and just sat there looking at Bud while he was getting dressed. He started saying a few things. He said that his parents might find him a girl to get married to. Someone from their own culture. Me and Bud came from different states and so our cultures were different even though we both were Indians. This is difficult for people to understand but India is a cosmopolitan mix of different cultures. All Indians don't speak the same language. As per Google, currently there are 22 languages in India. I speak 3 out of these 22 languages.

@Thought Art true. After watching his stuff, I actually went to the store and got different types of tea

So I did the meditation.

Is it given that those who arrive at the truth won't suffer?

How can someone be this deluded?

I think you can use sexual energy with or without psychedelics, no?

I'm INFJ-T Introverted intuition and emotional

Do you suffer bipolar/bpd?

I have been watching his videos since last 6 months. Love it

I feel very very happy. Yooooohooooooo

And Devi is helping me too. Devi was really powerful this time.

I'm tired and sick of myself. Thank you Ram. For showing me the way. Tu hi bigade tu hi saware He Ram. I'm in tears. Tu hi Antaryaami tu hi swami.

https://youtu.be/K0JgbJxIDXE

I think this thing has really helped me and has been helpful already. I had no idea such a thing even existed.

I have never tried Devi meditation before Not even deity meditations. This is a whole new concept and practice for me. If I write long paragraphs like extremely long, I'll use a mix of numbers as breakers. That's good. I can also use the divider that's used above.

My name is Preety. A lot of people who pmed me kept referring to me as Pretty. I guess they had a confusion. So just letting you guys know. Also my name has nothing to do with the word pretty. My name in my language means "connection." Preety is pronounced the same way you would say Sweetie or Tweety. I will use this journal in a more autobiographical sense and it will also cover some of my meditation insights. At home everyone calls me Babloo. I almost don't identify with the name Preety because nobody calls me that in my community and neighborhood. Everyone calls me Babloo only.

God lies in faith God lies in authenticity God lies in intent God lies in courage God lies in purpose God lies in empowerment God lies in truth God lies in strength God lies in kindness God lies in forgiveness God lies in empathy God lies in love God lies in compassion God lies in abundance Devi is abundant.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND Bud kept telling me that his phone cannot be recharged because he can't pay the phone bill. He would say that he didn't have money for a prepaid top up for his phone. I said to Bud, hey no worries. I will do the top up. After a week I realized that Bud is asking for money again. Hmmm. I was like okay. I paid his phone bills for that month. He used the phone to call me and text me. But he also used it to text others and call others. I paid all of the costs. I did this because I was feeling pitiful for him. I was very sympathetic to Bud. I felt very sorry that he was so poor. So I always thought it was my duty to help him. I was very naive. I was in love. I was blind. I had paid for Bud's monthly bills for almost a year now. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my relationship with Bud is this If a man is ever evasive about marriage or commitment, JUST LEAVE. Men can give many many reasons for not marrying or committing. Just understand that no reason is justifiable by any means. Any man who is with you but doesn't want to commit to you is a manipulative man not worth your trust. Men calculate a lot. They probably sit with a set of boxes to be tick marked These boxes are Do I get enough sex from her Is she hot enough Is she easy Is she satisfying my needs Do I lose anything with this girl because I don't want to spend a dime on her Do I need to commit to her. Men want a woman who is carefree about commitment so that they can get away with it. If the woman is pressing too hard on commitment, they will make her look like a criminal for needing commitment. To women my message is that commitment is necessary in a relationship. Let no man tell you otherwise. All this relationship things that men tell you is simply manipulation. There is just no reason why a man wouldn't want to be with you long term. If he says he has Insecurities about how things are going to be then just tell him that you are giving him a fixed time. He is supposed to make up his mind before that time. Why? Because your age as a woman is not on sale. That's why. He cannot simply try you out and get sex from you and then try another. Women are not a shopping mall where men get to try clothes.. You are not his cum bucket. Men are very savvy. They are masters. They have learned how to survive through centuries of training. They are a master at it. They are not what they show. They know the magic tricks on getting a woman. Men lie about a ton of things. But somehow act like they are very honest. The truth is that men are not very authentic in relationships, not as much as they would like to believe. If a man wants to try you out then let him try you out but NO SEX ok. No sex. That's not necessary for the trial period. You as a woman have nothing to lose.. Just remember that much. You have the leash in your hands. Just tighten that leash. He cannot be expecting you to act and serve as a wife and at the same time act like he needs to think about commitment. Then he needs to drop certain expectations if he is only trying you. Tell a man to make up his mind. Does he want you or not. I see that a lot of women are weak with men. They don't ask them questions. I used to be very hard on my boyfriend. If I asked him a question I would look straight into his eyes, straight to his face. Boldly. I will demand that answer. He would just fumble. As a woman you need to be bold and courageous with men. You need to take them head on and challenge them. Challenge their views rather than accepting those views. Ask them directly instead of feeling dumb or nervous about asking. If he says he loves you, then he should have the ability to prove it. Words are shallow and empty. I wish there was an institution like a college that protected women and taught them how to pick partners so they wouldn't end up miserable with no man or exploited by men for sex and casual company. Women want something deep. They want a connection, a marriage, a family, a foundation for a lifetime, they are not looking for a cheap jerk-off.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND Bud used to always evade the question of marriage . If you love a woman, why would you not want to marry her. It never made sense to me. If I were a man, I would have instantly wanted to marry my girlfriend. There is no reason why I wouldn't. Other than if I knew that I'm fooling her. Bud's behavior makes me feel like men are very manipulative in retrospect. Men manipulate women to get a girlfriend. If they were honest and authentic, they wouldn't land a girlfriend or whoever they are attracting will leave. Bud lied to me about marriage. He told me that he would eventually tell me about marriage and discuss the plans. I was like okayyyy. I was trying to fast forward my marriage to Bud. Bud was an extremely poor man. Here I was a girl who lived a rich lifestyle in a swanky apartment and Bud used to live in the streets. He was totally broke. Whatever money he earned from his job went in paying the debt that his parents owed to someone. Bud's father was an alcoholic. He had blown a lot of the family's money on alcohol. Bud never told me all this in the first 6 months of our relationship. He always hid a lot of things from me. I always believed that Bud had the best intentions. (Bud was the worst guy I dated) Sometimes I think to myself that even if I had terrible experiences in relationships with manipulative men, it's all good because I was probably saved from a greater misery of marrying such men.. Today I think retrospectively, what if I had married Bud. My life would have been a disaster living in dirt with him, compromising all my basic needs to live in poverty with Bud only to figure out later that he was an opportunistic selfish bitch who had his eyes on my money. Bud had his eye on my money. I didn't know it at first. He knew I was financially better than him. He would tell me how broke he was Yada Yada. I told Bud in the park. "hey, money is not a problem. It's okay if you are broke. Love is not about money. I love you. We will get married. We live together and work just like my parents did. And if we work hard, even our financial problems will be gone. What we need is only love. " But Bud had other plans. When I get flashbacks of Bud, it traumatizes me deeply, Bud was a psychopath, a total psychopath who had learned how to keep a veneer of a stereotypical good guy and win people's trust to get them to do him financial favors. This was the true character of Bud. He was a fake. A total hypocrite. A total fake. Bud was no good man. He only pretended to be. It served his purpose. Bud would take money from many people. The manager who I was working with gave Bud her phone that was worth $600 for free. Bud was used to getting things from people out of pity. Since Bud was virtually broke, he would make up stories, a lot of stories to people and they would easily give him money. He would return it later but he would return it very slowly. Bud would brag to me how helpful people are to him. Unconsciously he was trying to guilt me into helping him.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND Bud became a huge part of my life. We would meet on Sundays in a park. There was no option to live in together because I was living with my mother at the time. And Bud never talked about living together. Bud used to never talk marriage, family. I used to always remind him that I wasn't the "no marriage" girl. If I was having a relationship, I wasn't having it for nothing. I either wanted it to be a lifetime commitment or just drop it altogether. I had no patience for these short term flings and dating for a couple of years. Truly this is a waste of time. Either be with someone for life or not be at all. I had a savvy mind even in my relationships. This savvy side in me comes from my Hispanic-ish mother. She is damn savvy about everything, even about something that only costs a dime. Sometimes being savvy helps. It's a life skill. You can't be a lazy poodle walking through life. You got to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and understand not to fall for shit that people throw across you.. Don't be naive like me. I was naive. I ended up paying a high price for my naivety.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND So it was October and I was feeling very comfortable in the company of Mr Bud Eventually I decided to make the first move. In hindsight, I don't know if a woman making the first move is the best idea. I'm not sure. I think it's the consequences of a relationship that matter rather than who is making the first move. So I decided to tell Bud how I felt about him. For a long time I hadn't really felt secure around men, I had felt very insecure. My relationship with SHT had burned a hole in me. I had become miserable not wanting to ever date again. Bud provided me with much needed relief. (a relief that would later turn into a nightmare). I wished I had never dated Bud. I so wish. Hindsight regrets. So I told Bud how I felt. He was trembling and then he said he felt the same way. From that day we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We started texting and chatting and calling each other during break time and when we went home from work. When I used to come home it would be 10.30 or sometimes on early shifts I would get home by 8 pm. I couldn't make it home before that even with best of my efforts. I would come home, shower, get dressed in my loose clothes like a sleep shirt or or just a top and pyjamas and get ready for dinner and then sit back on my bed and text Bud.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND My family used to call me Babloo for short. It was a nickname given to me. Everyone called me Babloo. Babloo for baby. I was always called the little baby of my family. Now it was the month of October. I had spent a considerable amount of time in the office with Bud. He was very caring and gentle. I was slowly getting drawn to him. I thought to myself "this guy is so helpful and nice and funny. He would be such a nice husband to me. Together we will be so happy. He loves me. Maybe I'm not giving me the chance to be with me. Maybe he really likes me. He also cares about me. He doesn't look good but so what. It seems he is a nice guy. " Back then Bud seemed like such a nice person. The stereotypical nice guy. He would say everything a woman would want to hear He would be cooperative, helpful, always thinking about my safety when I returned home from work. He was like the Mr Family Man. He played that role really well. He always acted like he cared about me. He would go the extra mile. Maybe all of this was just to impress me. But I never had someone care so much about me. Not even my family, except my dad. My dad was everything for me. I lost my dad to kidney and heart failure early in life. He was the pillar of my life. My mom was mainly responsible for his death. She was instrumental. Her bipolar disorder ruined his life. It's a sensitive chapter I almost never talk about. It's the main reason why I hate my mother so much. She took from me the most important person of my life. I was Daddy's little girl. Much of my pain and self pity came from witnessing my father's death and his life of misery under my mom. This created an intense conflict in me Also no man I met until now ever compares to my dad. My dad raised my standards for men. He was the nicest husband and the best father I could have ever asked for. He was my pillar. I live today only for him. I remember him telling me when I was 14. "Babloo always be a strong girl, no matter what."

My SECOND BOYFRIEND I recall one night while returning home from office. We usually use the term office for job or work. So I had to board a bus. It was raining heavily. It was 8 pm. I had a late shift. So I got the bus. Then I took another bus. By this time it was already 10 pm. Since the streets are jam packed and crowded the busses move slowly through traffic and the wait time in traffic is easily 15 minutes at different spots, so a short distance would take an hour to cover. So it was 10 pm. Now the busses slowly reduce in frequency as the night draws on. I could hardly see a bus. I waited and waited and waited. I saw a minibus. Minibuses are privately operated busses, they aren't controlled by the governments and hence they run at anytime, there is no schedule for these busses and they are not regulated well. You see a lot of drunk and nasty people in these Minibuses. These buses are notorious for rapes. A lot of rape incidents have happened in such buses. I used to always tell my mom to never board such busses. And she used to exactly board these busses. She has this old generation mentality where she has to save money at all costs, even at the cost of life. It's so stupid. I often suffer because of her stupidity. So one of these notorious Minibuses arrived. Now I was intently looking at my watch. It's 10. 30 pm. It's now or never. No government bus will come by now. Even if it comes, maybe it will be very late. So either sit at the bus stop forever or board this minibus. I had no option. I hated those mini busses because I knew there were always nasty people in it. But it was raining. Soon the streets would be cleared and I will be the only person on the street at night. If I'm alone at this bus stop with nobody around, any drunk or homeless man can rape me. Plus there are always groups of men during such times who look for vulnerable women to rape them. So I was literally trembling in fear. I had to get home as soon as possible. I didn't think much and boarded this minibus I got in and sat in a secluded place. I could see a man sitting on the opposite bench or seat. And it seemed he was drunk. There were a group of 5 men sitting behind me. I wasn't facing them. I was looking out the window. The whole time my heart was pounding harder and harder. The ticket collector was a young boy, probably just 15 years old. He came up to me and I paid him the money for the bus fare.. Then he collected money from all those men. After some time, the drunk man on the opposite seat came near me and stood next to me and made gestures for me to move near the window. I didn't pay attention. He started to touch my shoulder. I just removed his hand off myself. By now I knew this guy was trying to sexually harass me because he saw that I was the only girl in the bus. All the men behind me said nothing to him, and did nothing, they simply watched. He kept trying to touch me on my shoulders and on my arms and I would throw my bag at him to tell him to get off me. Then I put my feet up on the other seat so he couldn't forcefully push me. Finally the ticket collector saw his antics and shoved him into his seat. Then he grabbed this pathetic drunk man by his collar and took him to the exit stairs and told him to get off the bus and pushed him. The man was left there and the bus moved on. I breathed a sigh of relief. This 15 year old boy saved my life. I could have fought that man but what if he carried a knife? So sometimes it's better to not defend aggressively. This incident reminded me of the ever present threat of rape usually in lonely dark places while returning home at night from work. Next day I went to my boss and told her to put me on early work shifts so I never have to work to return home late at night. She was pissed but she agreed. She was a total bitch. She was extremely fat and obese and she would give me these mean looks. Maybe she was jealous of me, that I was getting a lot of attention from men. I mean. I just didn't care what all these people thought. I just wanted to mind my own business and work and come home. I didn't want any drama in life. I was a brave girl. I battled a lot of odds, usually because of men, to be able to just secure a job and work. It's being difficult being an independent woman here. A lot of men try to challenge you, as if they are jealous of you trying to better in life. back then I had a real issue almost on a daily basis.