Preety_India

I really want to get deeper into Hinduism. I derive inspiration from many Gods like Shiva, Ganesh, Lakshmi, Santoshi, Kali and Allah. These gods are fascinating and they are making sense to me.

She keeps talking about money all the time. She resents that we are poor She is very greedy. She wants more money even if she has enough for her survival. But she keeps complaining how if I don't give her more money then I'm a worthless daughter I'm not her cash cow. I don't have enough money for my own needs Indian parents can literally harass and torture their children for money

She has heart problems. I have heart problems too. Living with her since childhood and taking her abuse gave me heart issues as an adult I already congenital heart problems but they got severe after her abuse. Now I'm on heart medication. All the screaming is not good for my heart but in those moments when she is assaulting me I feel helpless. The only place where I feel a sense of peace is the internet Journaling helps me to go to a different world of exploration. Things I would have wanted to do in my life if I was financially free. The last 3 years were a lot of financial issues piling up.

Anyway I just have to focus on leaving her somehow But I'm always conflicted between leaving her or being there for her. There are moments where I feel kindness for her and I think how lonely her days will be if I left her What if she needs my help? What if she gets a heart attack and she is unable to call me? Neighbors won't check on her. We have some of the nastiest neighbors who only come for complaining but not for checking

What she does can be categorized as follows Domestic violence Physical assaults Criminal intimidation She would have gone to prison long ago. But this is how toxic femininity works I guess. I don't believe that she is inherently evil because there are moments where she will cry thinking about her childhood. But I think that there is a mixture of both evil and mental illness in her case that makes her abusive. I always feel like my dad never had the balls to stand up to her

I'll keep working hard till the day I get freedom from all the abuse I suffered and keep suffering. Yesterday she slapped across my face when I left my room Then at first it didn't feel anything. I have even lost my memory because of the stress. Next day I felt something on my face. So I looked in the mirror and there was a bruise. Only later I realized she had put her nails into my face. Those nails had created bruises on my face. I tried to push her off but she gets monstrous energy in her arms. She held my arm and kept twisting it till I screamed very loudly. I pleaded her to leave me alone. Then she pushed me on the floor and left me. My whole body was bruised and I kept crying. I kept screaming that this is domestic violence. Violence that I witnessed her doing to my dad when I was a child. Nobody ever did anything to her because she would threaten. I remember everyone being scared of her My dad had suffered in silence. She is very strong. I just cannot match her strength. Yesterday I told my neighbor that she hit me. They don't believe me even if I showed them my injuries on my arm. She looks old with grey hair They told me that it's not possible for her to hit me. They asked me why I didn't hit her back. I told them that I just froze out of fear. I go into freeze mode every time she physically assaults me. It is impossible to think anything. I don't know if I can hit her because she can land me in jail. People will believe her but they won't believe me One thing she uses as a powerful weapon is tears. She will act like a monster with me but start crying like a feeble woman in public and I will watch helplessly because I'm the victim of her violence but she will pretend like she was the victim. This is her nature where she can quickly change from a violent monster to a hapless victim in seconds. What I suffered with her is plain narcissistic abuse Narcissists have a different face in public and a different face behind closed doors. She can swiftly make everything work in her favor I try to fight back as much as possible. So far resisting her has worked. I'm trying to get rid of the fear she put in me since childhood. Every time I see her face, I go into freeze mode.

I'll keep working hard till the day I get freedom from all the abuse I suffered and keep suffering. Yesterday she slapped across my face when I left my room Then at first it didn't feel anything. I have even lost my memory because of the stress. Next day I felt something on my face. So I looked in the mirror and there was a bruise. Only later I realized she had put her nails into my face. Those nails had created bruises on my face. I tried to push her off but she gets monstrous energy in her arms. She held my arm and kept twisting it till I screamed very loudly. I pleaded her to leave me alone. Then she pushed me on the floor and left me. My whole body was bruised and I kept crying. I kept screaming that this is domestic violence. Violence that I witnessed her doing to my dad when I was a child. Nobody ever did anything to her because she would threaten. I remember everyone being scared of her My dad had suffered in silence. She is very strong. I just cannot match her strength. Yesterday I told my neighbor that she hit me. They don't believe me even if I showed them my injuries on my arm. She looks old with grey hair They told me that it's not possible for her to hit me. They asked me why I didn't hit her back. I told them that I just froze out of fear. I go into freeze mode every time she physically assaults me. It is impossible to think anything. I don't know if I can hit her because she can land me in jail. People will believe her but they won't believe me One thing she uses as a powerful weapon is tears. She will act like a monster with me but start crying like a feeble woman in public and I will watch helplessly because I'm the victim of her violence but she will pretend like she was the victim. This is her nature where she can quickly change from a violent monster to a hapless victim in seconds. What I suffered with her is plain narcissistic abuse Narcissists have a different face in public and a different face behind closed doors. She can swiftly make everything work in her favor I try to fight back as much as possible. So far resisting her has worked. I'm trying to get rid of the fear she put in me since childhood. Every time I see her face, I go into freeze mode.

I have suffered enough in life. I feel like giving up. My family is horrible.. And growing up that way left me with horrible scars.

@captainamerica i watched this video today. It was awesome. Kinda brought some sunshine into darkness

@captainamerica I don't like programming hehe. Regarding depression, I have intermittently suffered depression all my life. But past 2 years it has been acute.

@Raphael thanks for the suggestion.

@Raphael I can't write.my salary here. But let's say I earn A amount. Then I need to be earning 6 times A to be able to afford living on my own

@captainamerica I don't do psychedelics anymore. Stopped doing those long time ago because I started suffering auditory hallucinations. I'm doing transcendental meditation and Om Mantra meditation. I'm also learning different chants and mantras . But the core practice is to focus on contemplation and insight meditation.

How would you know an extrovert is unhappy ? Isn't socialization supposed to feed our dopamine circuit through validation and stimulate happy hormones ?

@Karmadhi just adding my opinion as a woman.(of course not every woman's opinion is the same) I think I'm never impressed with a guy showing his high value. I know you must be giggling thinking that I'm lying, but seriously I really don't like guys who do that because it screams as "show off" and fakey. I was always repelled by such men because the immediate thought process in my mind , maybe this guy is too full of himself or that he won't value me enough. It gives me a "player" vibe you know. I'd rather go with the natural and playful because he makes his character the center of my attention and not his guy stuff like bikes, weightlifting that I'm seriously not interested in peeping into. Because that's not my girly stuff. He is better off boasting to his friends. Now If he is doing a stable job even if it's boring or uncool that's fine because at least I don't have to worry about financial insecurity. Let's say I'm not even thinking long term and a high shot guy approaches me , would I be jumping up and down to be with him because he is popular like Elvis Presley? Umm no. Because he is still boasting and his value in terms of money won't matter to me Because I'm not that stage Orange you know what I mean. So if he is funny and sweet and friendly and a bit Fierce and protective that would be extremely attractive because I can spend good moments with time. I think value means different things to different people. So I will judge the guy's value in my eyes on how he makes me feel in his company rather than his achievements in life.

The mystery of the Kailasa temple

Going to look into the History of India. Ancient India secrets. This will be an exciting exploration.

A video on Ancient Engineering Marvels of India

Why don't you make a video on this thought? That would be awesome

I think the Indian movies that were made between 1950 and 1980 were an imprint of true Indian culture. They provided a cultural script to Indians. These movies showed a way of life although they are considered outdated by Indians today. But these movies represent art, culture, history, beauty, grace and dignity.

@captainamerica all I can say is that I'm trying. Spiritual awareness is helping me to heal.

@Raphael I have severe social anxiety. So I rarely talk to people. I feel scared around people. So I work from home. I want Emotional support because I feel alone. I also suffer depression and suicidal ideation which is extremely difficult to remove from my head. I have been suicidal since I was a kid I used to see my parents fighting. It gave rise to anxiety disorder. I have been on medication but the medication caused me heart rhythm problems so I stopped it. I suffered PTSD because of the beatings and mental abuse I received as a child. That's when suicidal feelings began I also started doing self harm. These days I have been able to control self harm behaviour significantly. But the feelings of suicide keep haunting me. I feel like death will bring freedom from a trapped life because I always felt trapped as a child My biggest desire was to not be born into that family. I wish one day I get freedom and then I will be a free bird at last. I try to think everday about it. Somehow I can be free from this family .I feel very bad for my dad. He died. I feel like he died because he wanted freedom so bad that his body became sick spiritually and delivered freedom to him Last week my mother told .me - "why don't you just die because you are anyways a loser like your dad. And even if you don't die I'll kill you." Since then I began getting nightmares and in those nightmares I see her strangling my neck while I'm asleep and trying to kill me and I wake up in deep fear shouting and screaming out of fear. I feel like her agenda is to handicap me for life so she can continue abusing and controlling me Because she wanted my dad to be sick and so he got sick..she used to deny him medication. When I was 14 I needed medication for my lung infection but she denied it .I needed money for medical help. I only needed $10. But she refused. My lung infection became worse and I suffered permanent lung injury and breathing problems. She denied me medical help many times because of which my health problems became much worse. I often get unconscious because of my breathing issues and I easily get tired if I have to walk. I quit my previous job because it was a 9-5 job that made my breathing problem worse because it required traveling. So I work from home. But she does not allow me to focus on work. She keeps harassing and bullying. Police will not do anything to her because police believe parents are like God in India. I once told the police about her behaviour when I was 14 that she is abusing the whole family but the police told me that a mother can never abuse a child. They told me to go back to her As a child I ran away from her many many times but everytime I was captured by police and sent back to live with her I feel like she doesn't want me to leave her because she is an abuser. And she will do everything in her power to stop me from leaving. She likes the sense of power and control. She also gave me death threats many times if I decided to leave. In the year 2019 month of December tried to leave after I collected my savings from my job and I got a place on rent. Then she came to the place. She went to police and made a false complaint against me that I'm not taking care of her and abandoning her. So the police came to my place and ordered me to go back to her or allow her to live with me or else they will send me to jail.. Because of her I started hating bossy women because bossy women are more dangerous then abusive men. Bossy women like her can make false complaints to police and put people in trouble. In India there are many privileges for parents. Parents are treated like Gods. There are no privileges for children. Many Indian parents treat children like bonded slaves. She is treating me like a slave. If I leave her, she tells me that I'll be in trouble. But once I have enough money ,I will try to have enough courage to leave her cage she has created for me There are millions of children in India suffering child abuse. Many children commit suicide at the age of 14 because of parents abuse and torture. There is no justice. Police does not register a case against parents . They make it look like it's the fault of children to be so weak and commit suicide . It is not seen as a problem although the rate of teens and children committing suicide is increasing everyday but it is brushed under the carpet The concept of child abuse does not exist in India. The law exists but it's namesake law, there is no implementation. There is rampant child abuse where parents beat children mercilessly. They pressure children psychologically and abuse them emotionally. If the child decides to leave then there is emotional blackmailing, threatening and police threats. CPC or child protection service exists in America. But it doesn't exist in India. There are no foster homes.. either you live with abusive parents or you commit suicide if parents are bad Children who suffer child abuse are sent back to abusing parents. When I was a child I complained to my teachers about child abuse but they didn't take it seriously. I hope no child is born to Indian parents If I ever decide to finally die, my last words will be a curse to a culture that tortures children and takes away their rights. If I die I won't die simply, I will write long letter explaining how child abuse ruined my whole life and the person who abused me will never rest in peace, I will seek justice even in death. My soul will keep seeking justice, my death won't be in vain. We need a revolution in my country regarding abused children. Something has to happen. Somebody has to hear the screams of children crying in pain. Somebody has to bring justice to millions of children who suffer PTSD in my country the way I suffered, millions who committed suicide because they could not escape their parents evil torture. Maybe one day a revolution will come Parents who commit abuse belong in prison. They should not have the license to become parents in the first place. Indian parents are extremely controlling. This is already a known fact. But the problem is not limited to control. There is blackmail, threatening, gaslighting, isolating, invalidation and the extreme form of this is harassment and physical violence. Even normal indian parents who don't beat are difficult to live with because they control every aspect of the child's life. And the abusive ones are extremely hard to deal with. There the only way to deal is legal action to stop abuse/violence. But the court doesn't believe children/adults. The court always believes parents. The judgement is always in favor of parents even if parents are abusive I pray one day I get freedom from my horrible family and I get peace at last. If I save enough money for next 3 years maybe I can get a place to live and I can have enough money to go to court if she makes threats or goes to police. So I'm focused on saving money but right now it's impossible to get freedom. She is very violent. Last year I had an injury on my arm because she hit me so badly. She hit me with a bat. When I showed it to police, they told me that I'm making unnecessary drama. I was in hospital because I was not able to move my arm . It was very sad

Death is death. Passing is passing. Someone's loss might not be big to you but big to someone else.

@Zeroguy I'm facing financial difficulties due to debt related issues..so it's tough for me to simply jump out of this situation. I'm trying to save as much money but the expenses are high. I'm not able to save enough So I'm stuck.

His death came as a huge shock. Yesterday was a very bad day.