Preety_India

I'm in a confused state and a bit panicky. I still feel afraid. Like I can't talk. Or like talking is a crime. Predator A is probably responsible for how I feel. They were very close to me

I think the person who abused me many years ago were my predator I'll call them Predator A I'll however not reveal them as I don't feel okay

I don't want any comments in this journal. This is a super vulnerable thing for me. I don't want anyone to feed on my wounds. Just please leave me and my wounds alone. I don't want any pity I don't want any suggestions I don't want any sympathy I don't want my empathy I just want me and my trauma and my wounds to be left completely alone. It's up to me to deal with it. I don't want anyone in my private world. It's my world. It's my world in which I explore my wounds and I do not ask for any help. Just don't feel bad for me or pity me. I don't like it. Your pity only makes me feel worse about myself. I don't write shit for you to feel pity or bad about me. Just leave me alone, all of you and deal with your own shit.

I feel so autistic and my autism was/is just worse than ever. I feel super uncomfortable even talking about this shit. I don't even know if I can do this. I feel like something happened yet my memory is hazy. But this is my most vulnerable part of me. It's hard on me. Was I sexually abused at some point. I confided in my sibling 3 months ago about and they agreed. But the person who did it did not agree with me. Which is again hard. Because it's invalidation.

I did feel violated in a way. The only problem is that my memory just doesn't support me anymore

I'm feeling so happy today. I finally feel free. Like I'm free again. The only thing I need to work on is my root Chakra.

Devi is telling me that it's my autism that is causing me pain and trouble. I don't trust anyone Devi I don't trust anyone. My autism.

Devi, I just need people who fundamentally trust me and don't abuse my trust.

Mental disorders that Devi can cure. Bipolar, super npd, vulnerable covert npd, apd, autism, zero emotional content and paranoid schizophrenia.

Oki Devi I'll do as you tell me to You've been incredibly helpful along with Satan meditation. Both are like magic to my soul.

Ok I need to write some insights about my Devi practice.

And ironically it's me who needs a high caliber person. But the ways of the world are funny. Saying to myself - just deal with it.

Ironically, through all of this chaos, I'm finally coming to something more concrete and making a headway. It's God's way of teaching me stuff.

Yea he is pretty resourceful.

You'll need to do deep self reflection. Make a list after deep Contemplations on what you want, what you need, how you want your life to look like. Then go into the details of this framework.. You'll gain clarity the more you dig into yourself.

But my only choice is to move on.

I'm feeling deeply traumatized by the recent chain of events.

This song is healing.

It's all about the root Chakra. That's what I focused on in every meditation.

I can't call them goals but rather tools Wisdom is a great tool to navigate life. what's the most worthwhile thing to pursue in life? Wisdom and love(not romantic love)

Ok

Infinity of God's.... Does it mean at a certain level I can love my abuser?

@Thought Art oolong is my favorite.

Something has always been wrong with my root Chakra. My heart Chakra is of enhanced empathy.

My SECOND BOYFRIEND So I was sitting up in bed while watching Bud get dressed up for work. Meanwhile he began to say some things in a non chalant way. As if it was nothing. He said that his parents might find him a girl to get married to. From his own language and culture. Then he said, "well what can I do, if I have to marry, then I will have to marry her. I can't say no to my parents. Who can?" At first this new piece of information didn't seep into my head. I was foggy and just woken up. A bit listless and totally not ready to hear something new. I didn't take it the way it needed to be taken. Putting it more precisely, he didn't put it the way it needed to be put. He was being careful and manipulative. He was being difficult to read. He was making it look like it wasn't his fault. He didn't want this. But his parents are after it. They want him to get married, he can't help it yaada yaada. In reality his parents didn't even know that he was screwing me and neither did they talk about any marriage or anything. This was Bud's idea to gaslight me with wrong information, make it look like I have to accept whatever is inevitable and still keep a relationship with him for Love's sake. In short Bud was prepping me up for a future role. The role of a whore.. I will quote Leo here from a recent thread. Leo is so perfect in decoding psychopaths, it's unbelievable. The subtext of his decision that you are not properly reading is this: "I'm not happy with you. You're not the one for me. I want to go find other girls who are better for me." That's really what he told you. He just sugarcoated it so that it doesn't break your heart and so that it appears justified in his mind. Don't forget, he must fool himself here too because otherwise he couldn't get away with such selfishness in his own mind. Dating is a game, and both parties are trying to get the best they can get. He's looking for an upgrade but has to do it in way that won't make him feel like a total asshole. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. It's some brutal truth. Do not fool yourself with fantasies of trying to tame him, change him, or capture him for yourself. That will not work. Clearly he's not ready to commit to you. That doesn't fit your values, so you should seek a new man. Leo knows how men can be. They can sugarcoat things to appear nice and sweet and harmless. Meanwhile if you begin to read between the lines, you are going to be opening a can of worms. Learn to read a man word by word, intent by intent. Well at least before it's too late. These days I carefully calibrate every word that a man speaks to me. I also try to read between the lines. I have realized that the last thing that you should take for granted are a man's words. Everything you ever wanted to know about a man is in his words. His words are him. You decode the words. You decode the man.