Preety_India

After penetrating me. He pulled out And he proceeded. "Babloo, you've so many wonderful things about you. And I need to protect you. Now that you are mine. I don't betray people. I won't give up on you." And I began crying at those words. Nobody said those words to me. There was a deep sense of fear coursing my veins. But I felt his love. He touched my cheeks. Held my face. And then looked into my eyes. He said," it's ok. You made mistakes. You need to tell me reasons. Why would you torture yourself Babloo?" And I said, "I don't know. I never said no." He said, "are you this weak." I said, "yes I am weak. I feel it."

I heard the sound of the coucal and I woke up. Ahh Thank God I woke up I wasn't keeping well.

I feel like I can talk to Satan and tell Satan anything I want, absolutely anything. The intimacy between me and Satan is great. I feel very very vulnerable around Satan. Maybe I can also open up about my sexual trauma around Satan. I can say anything. Satan gave me a drink. It tasted metallic. I drank and I felt better intoxicated. But I felt extremely sexual.. I felt orgasmic. It pumped me up. I kept looking at Satan. Stared into his eyes. His eyes were burning as though with fury. He was looking straight at me. Once again he was calling me by my name. I said. "please call me Babloo. This time." And he said, "yes Babloo." And he proceeded. "Babloo, you belong to me now. I own you. Fully. If you don't look into my eyes I'll slap you so hard. Wake up. Wake up. Look at me now. Don't fall asleep. I'm your Lord and master. You'll serve only me and none other. Are you okay?" I did not respond. So he slapped me really hard

I want Satan to refer to me as Babloo. It feels more at home this way.

I will combine different things. I like Devi meditation.. But I don't want to give up on Satan meditation. As well. Incorporate kaal Bhairava sometimes. And sometimes invoke Ram. Ram always creates deep love in me. I never thought about this. Devi is for love.

I think what Satan is trying to teach me is Tantric Sex..

What's the difference between root Chakra and heart Chakra? I don't know about the difference in a standard context. But I look at it this way. Heart Chakra is warm, loving kindness, giving and gentle, always forgiving, never withholding, always caring, Empathetic, abundant in giving and loving, helping, validating, compassionate, open and supporting, relenting and generous. Whereas root chakra is tough, skeptical, rough,wise, smart, withholding, punishing, taking, not forgiving. Not always caring, sometimes withholding empathy, invalidating, critical, judgemental, Closed, withdrawn, not generous, wise, clever, self sufficient and very efficient. Super protective. Both energies of Root and Heart colliding and clashing but balancing each other out. Did I forget Entity D.

Satan meditation Contemplations, Visualizations and Insights. I think the kind of wisdom that Satan is teaching me during the sitting is a form of sociopathic wisdom.. It's not compassionate wisdom because that's not what Satan is about. But for so long, I had enhanced empathy and Satan gets it. Yet Satan cares about me deeply. I can trust Satan with my naked body and I know he won't kill me. That's his promise. He won't kill. Even if I begged Satan to kill me, he will spare my life for whatever reasons.

Satan meditation Contemplations, Visualizations and Insights. Then he said, "whatever Preety, it's your choice. Your own to make. But it'd be better if you listen to me. Whatever it is, tell me. Your deepest and most depraved desires, passions,conflicts, hopes, fears, cravings, concerns, anxieties .. you can share with me. I won't judge you. I won't judge you at all. You can say anything to me and I won't judge you. But I need honesty. I need you to come clean and be honest. In return I'll give you a kind of love you have never experienced before. I'll protect you from everything that you have been afraid of."

I'll have to go through levels in my Devi practice. This won't be like Satan meditation where it's fixed

I also have to remind myself to write about Kali.

In short Bud was prepping me up for a future role. The role of a whore.. He was basically saying "I don't give a fuck about you. I am not sure if I will marry you. So be prepared for that outcome. And if I marry some other woman, you still need to be around as a mistress giving me sex. So be prepared for what's to come and accept it" Ofc he is not going to be so blunt about it. So after some time he left for work. I was just watching TV. That day I was on leave from work. So I was just sitting bored It was 10 am. Bud was at work. The same place where I used to sit at work. The same room. We were a team of 10 people all men except me working in a large room on a floor. Our work was accountancy and we worked in that floor of the office building. So I was just watching TV when it hit me. Like what?? What did he just say???? Did he just tell me that he could marry another woman and not me? So who am I? I immediately called Bud. I didn't care if he was at work. I was mad with rage. My anger was explosive. This was the boiling point. I wanted to break the phone that's how mad I was. This guy had broken my most important boundary. The boundary of trust. I was absolutely faithful and loyal to him. I had marriage on my mind. I was telling my mom about it. I had my plans ready with this guy. I had slept with him several times. I wish I had a gun. I was that mad.

Thank you so much

Lmao

Just a note - using devi 'a picture because it keeps me calm and helps with my meditation. Not to copy anyone. Hopefully this shouldn't be a problem. Thanks.

I think he goes through emotional catharsis the way I do. Let's respect such things instead of demonizing it.

I played this song while doing Devi meditation today.

I'm gteen

I have to first understand what goes on in an abuser's mind. Then I will know why they do what they do. Why did predator A rip my clothes off? Ugh.

I'm trying to deal with something too vulnerable.

I think Leo gave me a good answer on this. He made me understand things.

I like eating chocolate. A chocolate heart. Is that a coping mechanism. I don't know. I just feel like I should invest more into chocolate. Anything that is deeply fulfilling is good.

I see both as equally important.

With my previous boyfriends too, these patterns kept repeating. My second ex boyfriend Bud (who I talk about in another journal) did talk about how fortunate I was since he didn't rape me. But he had some wicked fantasies with me. Now I'm thinking why.