Preety_India

@kellyjo true girl.

@The0Self which new account is banned ? Does he have more? His current account is not banned. It's his old account that was banned

I want to dip my soul into Japanese imagery and mystique. It attracts me. It's beautiful and sober and calm. Japanese stuff has always intrigued me. I love to study new stuff. So I'll be exploring a lot more.

I feel a bit suffocated and stymied with my femininity. I see males around me are quite active, assertive and dominant. They take quick decisions. They are good at cutting down too much fluff and emotion whereas I'm more like " girl crying into pillow not wanting to leave bed." I kinda admire the cutthroat masculinity in males. Of course I love my graceful chaotic femininity, yet it is not helpful with achieving goals. I see masculine people doing better with goals. My submissive female instinct causes me to surrender very quickly(imagine feminine sexual surrender). This makes me passive, submissive,docile but also less strict. I always imagine I feel the need of a man(masculine figure/archetype) holding a whip and acting strict/disciplinary to make me do things. My submissiveness craves dominance to complete aspects that lack in dominance in my psyche. I wanna achieve this on my own and integrate things that I lack. I remember months ago Emerald(from Diamond Net) did my tarot reading and told me that I need to become more masculine or add masculine aspects to myself. She was right on the money.. As a strong feminine, I feel very comfy, girly girly and less purpose driven(please I don't want to sound sexist, so please don't make my thread into "I'm sexist" nonsense, I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel as a woman). So I wanna ask - how to be more masculine ? Additional information (added later)- I need to cultivate masculinity but finding it difficult because I don't naturally posses it. I have always been surrounded by females. I never talk much to men. So I'm kinda closed off to their masculinity. There is no male in my life right now. I think having a male helps with such things. To have some influence. Like whenever I'm surrounded by many men, I watch them, learn from them and I feel motivated to do better, I try to rub their qualities on me little bit, generally dominant males help me achieve this. Also the men that I allow in my friends circle are feminine tame gay type men because if I allow those masculine dudes, they will quickly try to get sexual with me. So there's an inherent "fight off" feeling with such men and I don't allow them to be my friends. I kinda push them out to avoid sexual tension. I only allow the girly type men to come close and become friends.. Masculine men obviously generate some primal fear in me(images of forceful sex etc creating fear ) not that I'm afraid of such men but it can be a bit challenging to be around them unless it's a romantic scenario.

I like Japanese stuff.. It makes me feel very peaceful and loved and accepted. As though Japan is calling me, come, 来て.

Yūgen is an important concept in traditional Japanese aesthetics. The exact translation of the word depends on the context. Yūgen is not an allusion to another world. It is about this world, this experience… “To watch the sun sink behind a flower clad hill. To wander on in a huge forest without thought of return. To stand upon the shore and gaze after a boat that disappears behind distant islands. To contemplate the flight of wild geese seen and lost among the clouds…” –Zeami Motokiyo Japanese aesthetic ideals are most heavily influenced by Japanese Buddhism. In the Buddhist tradition, all things are considered as either evolving from or dissolving into nothingness. This “nothingness” is not empty space. It is rather a space of potentiality. If the seas represent potential then each thing is like a wave arising from it and returning to it. There are no permanent waves. There are no perfect waves. At no point is a wave complete, even at its peak. Nature is seen as a dynamic whole that is to be admired and appreciated. This appreciation of nature has been fundamental to many Japanese aesthetic ideals, “arts,” and other cultural elements. In this respect, the notion of “art” (or its conceptual equivalent) is also quite different from Western traditions.. Japanese aesthetics is a set of ancient ideals that include “wabi” (transient and stark beauty), “sabi” (the beauty of natural aging), and “yūgen.” These ideals, and others, underpin much of Japanese cultural and aesthetic norms.. Thus, while seen as a philosophy in Western societies, the concept of aesthetics in Japan is seen as an integral part of daily life.

How my life is after jail ? Or how my life is going to be ?

I'm free. Even though I'm caged.

@Gesundheit2 @Mu_ You aren't unbanned. Your account says gesundheit2. Your original banned account is @Gesundheit with same picture. You simply created new account by putting number 2 after the name. Your original account is still banned. You lied

Yup.

They call me psychologically disordered, mental, crazy, lunatic, maniac, childish, immature, bimbo, whiner, overly dramatic, attention seeker, desperate, stupid, weak, basket case, vain woman. I remember Joseph routinely calling me a dipshit. I didn't even know what that word meant. Then someone told me it was a derogatory slang. Now that word haunts me. I can hear it echoing down the hallways. Him calling me a worthless woman. And sometimes rotating it by calling me "a wonderful person"...his compliments were no favor especially after a long term of verbal cusses thrown at me. Maybe it was easier for him to taunt me because I was an Indian girl, not much worth in his eyes, he was a white guy after all. I bet if he ever spoke that way to his white blonde ex wife, not really. I never heard him speak to her that way,he never dared to. Those words were only reserved for me. And then I had to fend for myself. Licking my wounds in a cold dark corner, crying alone, thinking why nobody could love me, despite being so nice to everyone. But in this jail, there's no Joseph. There's nobody to hurt me anymore. I can be an attention seeker if I want to. Nobody can call me a narcissist here. I can be me,myself and I, unapologetically.

I was thinking about how to survive jail. But then I thought - what I'm trying to survive ? I'm trying to survive nothingness. There is nothing to survive. When I was a child, I survived poverty. When I was an adult, I survived loss and pain. Loneliness. I don't like sunlight. It hurts my eyes. In jail, there's little light. I live in my chamber, locked away with little light coming in. I have to walk to the bars to be able to see light. This is an island. Very little activity here. My cell is placed away from the sun. So I hardly get sunlight. Only a few rays that enter through the slit at the side of the door. There's makeshift arrangement outside my cell that pretty much blocks a lot of the sunlight coming in. Some days they move the makeshift, and on those days there's ample sunlight coming in. I feel a bit abnormal sitting in this prison. Whatever you call it jail, prison. Prison seems like a strong word and a modern word. I prefer calling this jail. It's an old style of referring things. Before I can think of how my life will be after jail, let me think about how my life is being in jail... One thing....it feels like liberation. Nothing to worry. What can be a worse punishment than this, a worse form of ostracization ? They say I shouldn't torture myself. So I decided to torture myself in the worst manner possible.

Maybe me wanting to go to jail was a way of imitating my inner state. My inner state of feeling punished by society for just being normal. For being shamed, guilted, demonized for nothing. Requiem of a dream....... And being in jail was a way to accept and embrace this punishment and act it out, enact this inner trauma, so I no longer fight it. Being in jail meant complacency. Not allowed to fight anymore. Not allowed to rebel anymore There's only quiet. No desperation. No jihad. I'm finally put to rest in a non dead manner. I can speak no more..you can hear no more of me. You don't have to act anymore that you're annoyed by me. Because I no longer exist. I'm no longer your nuisance. I'm discarded. Because I'm a piece of shit. Well at least I was always treated as one.

Maybe me wanting to go to jail was my subconscious need to be anonymous. Because I felt unbelonged, rejected.

I have decided I'll go on a hiatus. In this jail. I won't talk to anyone. Because it hurts everytime I do. I'm treated like an outcast. Being in jail is better than being treated like an outcast. What do you know about me? What do you know about my heart ? Deep down I'm so lonely and nobody cares. I better be in prison than live in society. I told Joseph, my ex American boyfriend that I wanted to go to jail, it would be so good. He told me that it's the worst life ever in jail. How can any life be worse than what I'm living already ? I don't think jail life is bad. It is good. At least I'm safe from this terrible society. All these social rules and norms. All pathetic. It hurts. I'm not allowed to be a human. Hear me or kill me.. I feel suffocated in this life where there is no love.. I can't even die because even dying is difficult. Nobody understands my pain. Everyone just laughs or ignores. Live my lonely terrible life and you would understand that hell is better than this existence. Only if I had someone with me. Someone to hug me, hold me, kiss me.. Someone to love me....

Sometimes I thought this was the best life. Locked away from the world. Allowed to suffer alone. Nobody to hurt me anymore. What could go wrong ? We had breakfast, dinner and lunch. I ate boiled carrots and some beans for breakfast. There are Catholic nuns who do a lot of the kitchen work. They also take me to reading. They are so kind. If I had only found a man to live the rest of my life, I wouldn't need to be here.

So this is serious daydreaming. I really saw myself in jail. All those bars. I was holding firmly. My hands red from hurting. My delicate fingers clutching the bars hoping for an escape. Is this heaven or is this hell? Is this my life forever ? He came to visit me. A guy I flirted with. Then he left. He was only allowed 2 minutes of time. Life can be so cruel. Society can be cruel. What was I doing in jail ? Will I embrace this life as the best life ? What will happen of me ? Or will I be safe ? Maybe I'll be protected this way from all the bad things. There's a kind nurse in jail. Sister Margarita. She occasionally comes and checks on me. And an old guy called Uncle Logan. He is quite old. Tougher in build, tall, strong. He is always guiding me about little things. I respect him.

So I was daydreaming that I was in jail. I was sent to jail for flirting with a guy. Imagine that ? How can society be so cruel ?

My father was a super emotional guy. He is no more in this world. I will never call him spineless. My mother was pregnant with me and wanted to go to the hospital but couldn't walk. My father requested his boss for a day's leave on medical family urgency. The boss didn't allow. So my father ripped out his belt and threw it on the table and said "I won't have a job that hurts my wife." The boss got impressed with my father's bravery and defiance and told him that he could take my mom to the hospital. I learned this defiance from my dad. He used to cry a lot during family gathering or emotional events. But he was the bravest man I'll ever know. He was a military man. I salute him. He cared for his wife all his life

Hey these are stereotypes and very harmful ones

@Mason Riggle why are you calling chivalry fake?

I wanted to feel cuddled.

@dflores321 tanks

I cried so much that I felt sleepy