Preety_India

I definitely need loving firm hand to support me. Just realised.

There are tiny challenges and then there are major challenges.

When I'm more relaxed I can focus better'.

Height is not a problem.

I feel better now. Took a short nap.

I'm trying hard to attract a man like me. I've read people on this forum use terms like "vibration"and "mirroring." They say if I upgrade my vibration I'll attract a partner who will mirror my qualities. I still suffer a bit of insecurity around this topic. I don't know why I don't believe it. I'm a super emotional person. I want to attract someone who is equally emotional as I. My qualities are -INTP, emotional, logical, sensitive,loyal. One problem I'm facing is that I have become so emotional that I'm scared of dating. I'm nervous around dating a man. The moment I think about meeting a man, the fear that runs through my head is - "what if I fall in love and this guy breaks my heart?" It's similar to the fear of rejection that men have yet it's a strong fear because of past trauma in relationships. Don't want to feel traumatized again. Difficult to give my heart and mind away.

Scared.

I've been a vegan for 1 whole year now. But I'm starting to feel weak. My diet contains following Soy milk Coconut Veggies Pulses Cereals Legumes Fruits. Not too much though Salad Veg cooking oil like sunflower Salt and sugar Corn flakes Oats Rice Garlic onion . Any tips on how to get more stamina and energy while being vegan.

I'll choose this one. Easy for me.

This is my definition of intimacy. I wrote this letter(it contains my personal pain) to be addressed to those who taught me what intimacy should be by their bad behaviour and it contains details of what I think is how genuine intimacy should appear. Letter- No false signals of fondness <-- very important line. People have used this technique on me for a long time. I fall for it because I'm emotionally weak and fragile. But no more. I need to be strong. No more false flags. They try to be sweet to me and then push me away. I have dealt with this a lot. And then suddenly talk to me the next day like nothing happened. I have a lot of people who do that. Why don't I just cut them out. That way there will be peace. They try to show superiority to me. Treat me like a kid. Show me nice side and then act rude or whatever. Then again when I try to walk away, chase me around and show me food. I'm not a poppet. I need to work on my self esteem and show how powerful I am. It's like taking advantage of my softness and weakness. Trying to be nice to me when they know I'm feeling mad. Chasing me later constantly. Putting me down at every opportunity and then acting like they are actually helping me. I'm not saying they are bad people but they want some sort of power on me, I attract them because I give them power, I become their supply, I make them feel good, but it's actually my own trauma response. I act through it. This is entirely my fault and my mistake and nobody should cry except me. I should identify this pattern and stop attracting it by not feeding it, if someone is being lousy, show them that, get up from the chair and walk away to the bedroom and shut the door and never open it. There is no need to cry but it's okay to shed a couple of tears. It's about vulnerability. Whenever I'm vulnerable this always happens, I attract the same type of people all the time, they will be nice to me, dominate me and then start taking advantage. But act like they care about me. I'm a sucker, I'm a fool. Because every time I fall for this. I need people who will uplift me and be supportive. Not like up and down,one minute nice and next minute ...party changer. Also direct. Always there like a strong person, sensitive to my needs, giving me affection and care and respect all the time, not constantly holding it back and switching it and then making me fall for it like a fool. Using my emotions to play with my heart strings. Making me Emotional all the time and then insulting me when I'm trusting. Emotional player. I will never find peace with them although they act like protector. I'll find peace with those who truly care and create trust. Trust is the word I should not forget. People who care create trust, so you don't feel confused, unusual or upset. With that trust you can always open up to them, it's not abusive intimacy. It's a strong trustworthy intimacy where you can open up to that person without fear and without ridicule and without shame, they support you as you go along.they are not being mule or passive or sucker for your affection,just being straightforward and respectful. They respect you and that's why they are honest to you and so they won't break your trust, they won't lie to you, they won't betray you. Such a person is trustworthy and is allowing intimacy to happen. So you don't risk being hurt by betrayal. They allow openness because they themselves reflect kindness and generosity and not selfishness and lack of empathy or disregard. That's how they create space for deepest intimacy to evolve.

Like a guy said chivalry and fake chivalry. There is intimacy and fake intimacy.

No point in pacifying me. I know this tactic. I have become clever and I can identify false signals of fondness. It's all passive aggressive nonsense. And it's a particular pattern. I'm getting better at detecting it.

To op question @SamC This is my definition of intimacy. I wrote this letter(it contains my personal pain) to be addressed to those who taught me what intimacy should be by their bad behaviour and it contains details of what I think is how genuine intimacy should appear. Letter- No false signals of fondness <-- very important line. People have used this technique on me for a long time. I fall for it because I'm emotionally weak and fragile. But no more. I need to be strong. No more false flags. They try to be sweet to me and then push me away. I have dealt with this a lot. And then suddenly talk to me the next day like nothing happened. I have a lot of people who do that. Why don't I just cut them out. That way there will be peace. They try to show superiority to me. Treat me like a kid. Show me nice side and then act rude or whatever. Then again when I try to walk away, chase me around and show me food. I'm not a poppet. I need to work on my self esteem and show how powerful I am. It's like taking advantage of my softness and weakness. Trying to be nice to me when they know I'm feeling mad. Chasing me later constantly. Putting me down at every opportunity and then acting like they are actually helping me. I'm not saying they are bad people but they want some sort of power on me, I attract them because I give them power, I become their supply, I make them feel good, but it's actually my own trauma response. I act through it. This is entirely my fault and my mistake and nobody should cry except me. I should identify this pattern and stop attracting it by not feeding it, if someone is being lousy, show them that, get up from the chair and walk away to the bedroom and shut the door and never open it. There is no need to cry but it's okay to shed a couple of tears. It's about vulnerability. Whenever I'm vulnerable this always happens, I attract the same type of people all the time, they will be nice to me, dominate me and then start taking advantage. But act like they care about me. I'm a sucker, I'm a fool. Because every time I fall for this. I need people who will uplift me and be supportive. Not like up and down,one minute nice and next minute ...party changer. Also direct. Always there like a strong person, sensitive to my needs, giving me affection and care and respect all the time, not constantly holding it back and switching it and then making me fall for it like a fool. Using my emotions to play with my heart strings. Making me Emotional all the time and then insulting me when I'm trusting. Emotional player. I will never find peace with them although they act like protector. I'll find peace with those who truly care and create trust. Trust is the word I should not forget. People who care create trust, so you don't feel confused, unusual or upset. With that trust you can always open up to them, it's not abusive intimacy. It's a strong trustworthy intimacy where you can open up to that person without fear and without ridicule and without shame, they support you as you go along.they are not being mule or passive or sucker for your affection,just being straightforward and respectful. They respect you and that's why they are honest to you and so they won't break your trust, they won't lie to you, they won't betray you. Such a person is trustworthy and is allowing intimacy to happen. So you don't risk being hurt by betrayal. They allow openness because they themselves reflect kindness and generosity and not selfishness and lack of empathy or disregard. That's how they create space for deepest intimacy to evolve.

I want to talk to Hulia. She likes me. I don't want to talk to you. She is not here right now. When she is back, I'll talk to her. I will talk only to her in this journal because I like talking to her. I hope I made it clear.

@Waken thanks

Today I was contemplating on neediness and why it hurts so much when guys and girls are rejected. And suddenly the insight that came to me was - "you need you." You need yourself more than anything. This is where everything ends. Your inner self needs you and you're depriving it by seeking things in the external world. It will never work. You need you. Go back to your self..your inner self. Your inner world. Heal it. Seek it. Find it. And come back. Then even if you engage with the outer world, you'll only find people who allow and support your growth. There will be no people pleasing or misunderstanding. There will be no need to impress. You play games out of the need to either solve something, redefine something or create something. You're trying to secure the situation/person to yourself with your manoeuvres. But this will never work. Because it's not grounded in simplicity. You're simply playing to make it work your way giving your own definition to things, causing it to objectively fail even though subjectively it all made sense to you, you thought everything was going according to plan,until you get the rude awakening that it was all your game and destiny had different plans, causing you to waste ample amount of time and opportunity to do good. Your mind creates stories out of your needs. To fulfill that need some story has to be accepted. Some story has to be created. You'll be strong and on your own. You won't seek people to complete you or compete with you. You won't be looking. You won't be searching. You'll simply be waiting like a container to be filled. You will have people who come up to you who will automatically get eliminated when they don't flow with you. You won't be hopelessly chasing. You will only have those who really passionately want you and who help your growth by being with you. You won't have to worry about them leaving you and even if they left, you won't be hurt because you never asked them to stay so it will be easier to let them go. You won't be too desperate. Especially with those who don't want you. So your focus will come back to those who actually care and resonate with you.. with these people you can then develop a bond. Of course this doesn't mean that these people won't leave. Yet you aren't desperately hanging onto those who genuinely don't care about being with you. You'll emit neutral energy. There won't be any connection unless they connect with you properly. You'll only feel invested when they're invested. There won't be imagined stuff where you think they like you when there's nothing there. Look inward because your inner self needs you

@robbinsarle that's awesome.

@Gesundheit2 I see. Maybe you should thank God instead of a matador.

Add later.

First I should ask myself - What do I really want ?

You need yourself more than anything. This is where everything ends. Your inner self needs you and you're depriving it by seeking things in the external world. It will never work. You need you. Go back to your self..your inner self. Your inner work. Heal it. Seek it. Find it. And come back.

I love Japanese houses that are shown in movies. The ones with minimal designs like tea houses.

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