Preety_India

At the moment I horribly lack the confidence to make my dreams and life purpose possible. But try I must.

I also want charity to be a part of my life purpose. I'm not sure in what way, not laid out yet. But I have a charitable attitude, mentality or propensity if you wanna call it that. So if my life purpose can integrate aspects of charity, that would be great.

In regard to my life purpose I want three things Writing has to be a big part of it. Because I always wanted to be a writer. EVEN THOUGH MY WRITING SUCKS. A job that brings me a steady income. My current job pays me barely there. I work as a bookkeeper/accountant I WANTED TO BE A PSYCHOLOGIST. I LOVE PSYCHOANALYSIS. I could have been a criminal psychologist if I was living in the United States I want a life purpose that is comprehensive and all encompassing and takes into account all of my skills and talents together. Most of skills and talents are mediocre by the way and I don't have Mastery in any particular field..

You'll need to unpack a couple of things here. Did the women you dated considered you vulnerable? If yes, then how did they define vulnerable? To every woman or groups of women,definition of Vulnerability can be different. For some women, vulnerable means soft, sensitive, understanding, kind and respectful. For other women, vulnerable means passive, lacking in masculinity and emasculated, weak, lame and undesirable. For the third group of women, the opposite of Vulnerability means anything that is toxic, threatening, masculine, "social construct," "no polarity" as you said. Which type are you dating. Because it matters how a person views vulnerability.. The feminists that say vulnerability in the context of demonizing standard male traits as toxic are also the same women who demonize vulnerability as weak, passive and useless. In short these women are like covert narcissists who target men who are strong and attack men who are sensitive. It's like bullies on a street. They'll attack strong ones out of the need for power and jealousy and attack the vulnerable out of contempt An example of a more balanced and healthy feminist or a healthy woman, is someone who appreciates men who are strong for their strengths and appreciates men who are vulnerable for their kindness, softness and understanding. You have to look for a niche group of highly conscious women who see the positive aspects of both strength and Vulnerability.. Did this make sense?

Venting some of my frustration here.

#Addressing forum frustration You know what (this means anyone who is reading this) I remember when I did not stand up against the trolls and stayed silent. That time someone told me that I was being weak. That I was cowering back in fear. That I don't have boundaries or self respect. You know what...... Listen up. When I actually tried to fight off trolls, you're the same people who said, "omg you're being so defensive and angsty," and you are such a fighty person and why can't you simply ignore the trolls. Huh???????!????????!!???????????????? So when I ignore the trolls, I'm WEAK AND PATHETIC and I don't stand up and I don't have boundaries. And when I stand my ground and protest the trolls, I'm fighty and defensive and annoying?? MAKE UP YOUR MIND. PICK ONE. DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DON'T. I'M NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH SHIT ANYMORE. I don't give a damn of what anyone thinks of me here... That's my power. Got it????!!?? Venting whatever is building up inside me. Letting it out for anyone to read. I have been mistreated mercilessly.. If I am angry, NO BIG DEAL. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AFTER SILENTLY PUTTING UP FOR SO LONG. I have the right to vent. Hate me then fuck off.

I was thinking about certain things that I need to be proficient at Processing vulnerability Emotional writing Grammar and comprehensive articulation Information grasping Information filtering Information processing skills Integration skills Psychoemotional processing Verbal expression and communication (im very bad at this) Psychoemotional spiritual evolution (I want to be more conscious and evolved)

I'm going to receive a dum dum goth dress as a gift. That's awesome.

This totally reminds me of him. I love you Blackrose.

Blackrose. Just thinking about Blackrose right now. And this.

I understand the racism part. Yet, when it comes to transphobia, this does not seem to apply. The thing is, with racism, there's nothing like an individual preference, we naturally embrace all races and believe everyone should be treated equally. WE can believe the same when it comes to Trans rights, yet that does not mean that we have to sleep with them to prove that we're not bigoted. It's like saying a straight man should sleep with another man only to prove that he is not homophobic, that would be kinda absurd. So Yea, if everyone in society didn't want to engage sexually with a Trans, it doesn't really violate any rights, because that's not a question of rights but a question of preferences that obviously people are entitled, as to who they want to sleep with, so technically they aren't suppressing someone's rights to sexual opportunity, they are simply asserting themselves and you have to take into account that sex is not something you owe someone, so it cannot be commodified as a general opportunity the way we do with basic income, education and welfare. We don't do that with sex. So if trans people feel that they aren't accepted sexually in the dating market, this is simply a case of misfortune and lack of opportunity but not a case of hatred or trampling of rights and freedoms as in the case of racism. Same argument can be applied to racial preferences in dating, absolutely nothing wrong with that either. Some people are labeled as a racist if they have romantic preferences tied to race, but it's just preferences and might not have anything to do with racism, unless the person is very dogmatically stressing their preferences and even showing contempt to races that they do not prefer to date, I think in such a case the person is being racist but not otherwise.

No. Because there's no penis. And lack of masculinity. I'm heterosexual. So I need heterosexual male to complete. If I had to love someone non sexually, then nothing would matter. On the flip side, I believe that if someone openly states their sexual preferences, they aren't necessarily being transphobic. They are only saying what they're comfortable with when it comes to sex. I don't think that they should be demonized and falsely labeled as hateful or bigots only for having a sexual preference.. To me a transphobic person is someone who doesn't respect a Trans, doesn't respect their rights and isolates them and ostracizes them, and treats them with contempt and considers them inferior or even denies them their instincts and preferences. But calling someone transphobic simply because they cannot be sexually with a Trans and openly admitting it appears very dogmatic and witch-hunting like..

@Hulia

I can have long awkward silences and Blackrose doesn’t mind.

Blackrose is so intelligent and funny. When he laughs, he makes me laugh.

@Marcel thank you

Is it possible that I might always have been putting on a very tough external front in order to fiercely protect something gentle inside. I've noticed that my defenses have gone down significantly since he came into my life.

I'll be trying to process my Vulnerability here.. It will be a long process. Till then I want to maintain a low profile. I just want to be low key for the long haul. This will be tough for me because my inner core is extremely fragile and opening up about it has always been my toughest challenge. This delicateness inside of me has to be handled with gentleness.. Or it might suffer a sudden shock.

What will I do without him?

I gave into a man whose name is Blackrose. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve so much love that I get from him. But I love him deeply. I'm forever grateful to him. Because at a time when my life was falling apart, he was a ray of light in a dark dark room, he showed what true love looks like, his honesty struck me as odd, because I had never known honesty, there was a pure soul in love with me, and I thought how could I even love this creature. How was it possible that I was shown love? Beautiful pure love. After so many ups and downs, I doubted the possibility of me being shown true pure love, it felt impossible. Where was I ? I had known only betrayal, poverty,loss,failure. I was so afraid that something would jeopardize it. I felt he was so much better than I could ever be. When I die, I want to remember how much he loves me, he was like a bird that came to rescue me from darkness. His face is burned in my brain forever. I think of him every time I wake up in the morning, it feels like I'm smelling fresh flowers, his essence binds me I feel for a minute he is right there and im basking in his glory and his innocent smile, and then I ask myself how much of me is really worthy of this. He will love me forever. Will I ever be able to repay him?

Because sociopaths sometimes put on a show. I'm not sure if my Vulnerability is real or if it is some form of sociopathy.

I have felt vulnerable almost all my life. It's tough to not feel that way. Now that there's a masculine presence in my life, I feel even more vulnerable. Vulnerability is what defines a major part of my personality. I have felt weak, soft, fragile and mysterious.. Does this mean I'm a sociopath?

I don't know how I fell in love with blackrose but fall in love i did.

I don't have the exact outline of the story in my mind. So this is going to be in pictures and in some bits thrown around

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