Preety_India

@marcel It's time to be practical, to integrate emotional side and to resolve trauma.

@Marcel You are loved hun. I love you

@Marcel We talked about mom Grandad issues... Felt unsafe and uncomfortable as a teen How compassion is needed to heal mom's issues. Using gentle approach The incident with dad. After that a phone call with grandmother. He had npd. (avoiding conflict) did not understand when you were 15. Cold behavior And that there is conflict between. You don't tolerate disrespect. You won't take disrespect. Expenses, how many euros were spent in different ways? Money mis management Start working in 4 months. 4 months time for emotional healing, psychological healing, cultivation of compassion, ignore dad, mental health struggles, problems with expression, suicidal tendencies, open communication and sharing, you want to be able to access emotions properly, mental instability, no control over emotional state, weight loss, physical exhaustion (over exertion and body and mind abuse, self destructive behavior), existential crisis, confusion state there is no sense of direction, feeling all emotions at once, music was having a bad influence, mental and emotional exhaustion because of crying and pent up emotions, talking about and crying was making you feel better, healthy crying, uncontrollable crying causing exhaustion, you want to work out 3 times a week for 30 minutes. You cut out superficial friends Past addictions - TV, overeating, music and video games, walking, over exertion, studying Stage Orange mindset (from family) blue in family, maternal is green Suicidal tendencies Free therapy - planning to go to a therapist conflicted about therapy due to bias and bad experiences with therapists in the past Integration of masculinity Shaming your own masculinity Free expression of feminine side Morgue helps you. Some of his work Bob Proctor - stage orange Struggle with Stage Green emotional side. Can't relate to it Dominant and submissive side Food preferences changed - vegetables and fruits. Walking in early morning for 30 minutes Sleep quality - all over the place. Very sleepy. Over sleepiness. Not a proper schedule. Not able to keep a schedule for more than 2 weeks Don't watch porn Emotional issues - majority /major Definition of spirituality - to develop love, compassion and care and understanding Suicide attempts - 2, 18/20 Loneliness 2 years (last) Pyramid scheme- it helped you become more extroverted. Don't regret it. Lost money on it. Regret losing money on it. Overall negative experience. Interacting with different people was a positive part of the experience Number of friends - very very few. Bullying - 7th grade (13 years) to 10th grade (16 years ) cold environment Defensive at times in teens Some anger issues due to suicide based trauma Emotional Maturity - need to develop. Access to feelings needed. Impulsive during triggers. Less control on emotions. Dealing with everything all alone

@Marcel Yesterday we were talking about grand dad. And you had an emotional release. We won't divulge into details. So you say that you do miss him and you had a huge release.. You let it all out. How did you feel after releasing? You felt like your heart was lighter.

2 factors (actually many more) 1...One is resources like upbringing, financial, emotional resources, your immediate environment and its degree of toxicity, your support system around you, your moral system around you and your relationship with the general survival market, your basic leverage in the world 2...the amount of education you take. I'm not talking about scholastic education. I'm talking about real life guidance and education to deal with life. How much guidance you get, how you implement and how early you receive this guidance with respect to age

2 factors (actually many more) 1...One is resources like upbringing, financial, emotional resources, your immediate environment and its degree of toxicity, your support system around you, your moral system around you and your relationship with the general survival market, your basic leverage in the world 2...the amount of education you take. I'm not talking about scholastic education. I'm talking about real life guidance and education to deal with life. How much guidance you get, how you implement and how early you receive this guidance with respect to age These 2 factors are deal breakers.

Maybe far far far away there's someone that feels exactly like I do.

Why do I feel like I am rapidly changing? I am becoming more and more matured in ways that I might not like. I was always a bit childlike. But my body is forcing me to enter into zones or states I was never used to I could be sitting on a couch right now and have a conversation with a guy that resembles a boss in an office. And he might even appreciate my maturity. Ughhh I hate this stuff. I hate myself. I am such a submissive obedient person that I just hate how I always try so hard to fit in It feels like there are only two selves on the zodiac. One in the upper zone, the dreamy zone from January to July. Stage Green And the Lower zone, the more nerdy vindictive practical Stage Orange zone. Both are competing for a piece of the pie. Where am I lost in this world of checks and balances? Why did God make me? I don't belong in this shitty planet.

Why do I feel like I am rapidly changing? I am becoming more and more matured in ways that I might not like. I was always a bit childlike. But my body is forcing me to enter into zones or states I was never used to

This. I might need support and growth but do i need specific people for that?

Try to know that it really doesn't matter if you're special or not. Simply laugh at yourself. Don't take yourself too seriously when you get such thoughts. It leads to a Superiority complex and beware of that because it will block your growth. Being ordinary and humble gives you more room for infinite growth. Insult yourself some times just to be funny

@Marcel @Marcel That's me. Definitely me without any doubt.

@Marcel I feel a lot like this dancing kid when I'm with you. You bring out my inner freedom.

@Marcel thank you honey. You help me so much gosh. You are literally my savior. I love you hun.. ❤️❤️

@Marcel I feel like this with you these days. I feel like a child playing on the sand. I feel like my inner child is so free to express itself with you. You bring out my true vulnerable self more and more. It feels like emotional healing. You make me so open and vulnerable I feel like a child running on waves.

@Marcel you are having such a great impact on me. You're helping me so much. I feel like your love is healing me slowly. And I'm like a baby running towards waves finally able to play freely. You bring out the child in me. You make me feel very open and free. Your love heals my wounded inner child. You are making me a different person.

@Marcel Yea this is quite amazing. Actually with my first ex I never cried because he did not make me comfortable. My second ex. I never cried at all. Because he was the only one talking all the time. Plus he was always acting superior and judgemental. It was impossible to cry in front of him. I usually used to cry in secret when he was not around. With my last ex Joseph, he used to discourage any crying. He would cry a lot but if i cried he would tell me to stop and call me weak and useless

Healing is the only remedy for dealing with negative forces

I should also focus on rapid information processing.

It wasn't your fault. It's completely okay that you felt judged and agitated, it was an obvious response to a trigger It was my fault that I didn't understand your situation correctly. You response was perfectly normal given the fact that you felt judged by me. And I admit my mistake.

I'm extremely sorry that I Completely misread your post earlier and I thought that you needed hard advice I wasn't trying to judge you, I simply happened to misread it completely and took it the other way. I feel that you should slow down because I can literally sense your frustration. It seems you're in hyper survival mode and in such a mode it's quite easy to take wrong decisions especially when it comes to relationships, there's always a possibility of getting into a toxic relationship especially when you have unmet needs, I had a similar situation as yours where my father died and I was left to my own devices and I had a string of abusive boyfriends because I was looking so hard for love. It doesn't work. I really want the best for you. And as much as you feel good about working hard, also notice that your mental and physical health is equally important. Too often when we are stressed out, we forget self awareness and stop caring for ourselves, there's a tendency to give into self destructive behavior and this is because we're looking for some sort of coping mechanism due to trauma. From your posts it sounds like you're overwhelmed, stressed and deeply unhappy which gives me a signal in my mind that these are indicators of depression. You need lots of emotional healing and please don't mind other's judgement, meaning your parents and mine as well. I'm sorry I was a bit harsh earlier. You might feel very tempted to get into a relationship right now but my suggestion would be that it can be a bad decision sometimes. Try to be more secure and confident about yourself. If you have root issues, a relationship might help you but it won't fix it. And the probability of attracting a toxic relationship is pretty high when we're overwhelmed with loneliness.

@Yeah Yeah @Yeah Yeah OK. I read everything. It was a bit faster than I could process. It seems you're suffering from some form of trauma as a result of your father's death and your mother's behavior in the aftermath. This is perfectly understandable.. Yet you have to look back at your history and see how you could have handled the same situation better so these scenarios don't become repetitive patterns in your life henceforth. It seems that you're very tensed right now and I get that you're frustrated however you need to collect yourself together before you can take hardcore decisions in life. Your situation seems to be a bit overwhelming to say the least and I'm proud that you pulled yourself out of it, yet the coping mechanisms that you used like cigarettes and weed were pretty unhealthy and I hope that you aren't doing that anymore. I'll be a bit softer with you if you want me to. But sometimes a soft approach causes a person to remain stuck in a rut. So I felt like telling you things the harder way, it's ok, it's completely fine, I understand that you're sensitive and the hard approach won't apply. Ignore the advice I gave you earlier. You need to be able to fully cope with the recent events in your life. You still have a lot of time so there's no hurry. A relationship can easily and drastically change your life so take things slowly. Do not be in a hurry to be in a relationship. It's counter productive. You have to first work on your trauma and the overwhelming stress of your situation I can see that your mother is not supportive and neither are your siblings. This is the reason why you are feeling lonely. There's nothing inherently wrong with you and it seems your family has shamed you severely and it will take a lot of effort on your part just to feel better everyday I'm adding more to this post. Please give me time to type.

@Yeah Yeah give me some time because I'm constantly re-reading your post and it seems there's a lot compacted into one post. It will take me a bit of time to re-read and make sense of everything, it seems a bit chaotic to me when I'm reading. I'll get back with a better response. I'm sorry for my earlier response.

@Yeah Yeah give me some time to process all your incoming info. I understand that you are feeling very emotional but I'm more worried how this is all going to pan out. Your first post seemed like you were into drug addiction if I'm not reading it wrong. I felt a bit alarmed and that's why my hasty response. I am sorry about that.

This post was a good boost. JUST DO IT.