Preety_India

May 24, 2019. D day. I was desperately waiting to hear good news from Joseph about the court case. Joseph calls me and tells me something that I'll never forget. He tells me that they are arresting him for a pending case filed in Mukilteo months ago by Yogjif. I'm like....... What????????? For a moment I became numb. My senses were paralyzed.. That's the last thing I wanted. The last thing I could take. My heart was pounding. This is just not and this just wasn't acceptable to me.. Joseph was talking to me before they took his phone away and all contact ceased. He told me to pray for him. And this is where my real nightmare began.

May 2019. Joseph told me something that month. He told me that Rebecca had gone to court and asked for a name change for their son. She wanted the last name of their son to be changed to hers. Joseph was furious. Totally furious. He wanted his son to have his own name. Understandable. Any father would. No idea why Rebecca was playing games with him. So my very first thought was - "Wait a minute. How can I tell Joseph that I'm leaving him when he is going through so much. He needs me. This is when he needs me the most. I need to be by his side. This one last time I will be with him and when this court thing is over, I'll tell him goodbye and leave him forever and never come back." That was my plan. And it appeared reasonable enough. The court date was scheduled on May 24th. I decided to wait till May 24, 2019 till the end of May and then tell him that I'm breaking up. My empathy for Joseph cost me dearly. Little did I know....

I FEEL LIKE MY BPD DISORDER HAS BECOME THE BIGGEST SCAPEGOAT ON PLANET EARTH. ANYTHING GOES WRONG IN ANY ONE'S LIFE. THEY BLAME IT ON BPD LMAO.

I want to dance and have fun. I am a turtle

I want to make noises.

Treat each other with some fun and games. Cmon you guys you go batshit crazy over petty things. It's time for me to do my dance. Elmo teaches me to wiggle.

That's fine. Just don't tell Spiderman. I'm scared of spiders.

I thought you were offended by me. That's all.

I hope you are chill with me. I'm damn scared though.

Now everyone came to know. Pfft.

I did it for fun. Because I like playing with damn pics.. No need to think creepy about me though.. What the big deal anyway. I'm just playing and having fun.

Pfft.

I like it anyway. Thank you for allowing me. I'm having fun actually because I'm doing it for fun not for serious reasons.

Thanks.

@Benton it's not for creepiness. You're taking it the wrong way. It's just the Devi pendant that I like. Please don't take me wrong way, just please.

Great points and all valid. Noting.

Very good Carl. Excellent. I totally agree. We shouldn't complain to mods like school kids. We need to handle it like grownups and just leave the fighting. Thank you for the post.

May 2019. I make a firm decision that I needed to part ways with Joseph. I don't tell him right away. I so so wish I had. The confusion and chaos that ensues just wasn't worth it. Hindsight, I haven't been able to understand why things happened the way they did. What was God trying to tell me? I simply didn't deserve to go through what was to come. I could have broken up in May 2019 and walked away from Joseph for good. Why didn't I? It was the most unfortunate circumstances that ever happened in my life beginning May 2019. I so wish I had told Joseph clearly that I wanted to break up.

May 2019. Joseph continued his abusive behavior. On May 7th I finally had enough.

In the month of April 2019, I went back to Joseph.

Joseph apologizes profusely to me for the birthday incident. And I get back with him. I tried breaking up with him numerous times in the past. But I was deeply attached to Joseph. Back then I had no idea I had BPD. BPD means you're are strongly attached and can't let go. Abandonment fears. With Joseph, it wasn't just the fear of abandonment holding me on to him, it was also my extraordinary empathy for him. This extraordinary empathy is called ENHANCED EMPATHY and is often observed in BPD victims. BPD victims tend to empathize with their abusers through trauma bonding and self sacrificial behavior.

March 2 2019. I am fed up with Joseph. I wanted to reach out to someone. So... I login to my favorite game and find Tracey a British woman. I tell her I'm in deep distress and that I need to talk. She offers to video call me.. I talk to her for an hour, tears rolling down my cheeks. And Tracey says, "He is using you as a punching bag. Don't be with him." And I thank her for the support. That day I make a firm decision to leave Joseph once and for all

January 2019 This month was mostly uneventful. February 2019 Uneventful. Just few fights. March 2 Joseph's birthday.. I ordered a cake. I tried to wake up Joseph. He yelled at me and called me a bitch. I told him many times not to call me a bitch. I felt awful... I sat with the cake. I had custom designed the cake to have Joseph's photo on it. I am fed up with Joseph's horrible behavior. I have nobody to talk to about it..

My official BPD diagnosis came on April 10th. I had suspected I had BPD long before that..

I've been officially diagnosed with Bpd. I think people should not psychoanalyze each other with BPD on the internet.