Preety_India

That seems like a great idea. I pour out my heart in my journals. Sometimes I don't even know how to say those things directly to you. I'm not too spontaneous in the sense I don't have anything to say off the top of my head, I simply can't think of anything but when I sit down to journal all of my inner thoughts lodged in my subconscious begin to flow like water running through a hose. And I feel electric. It goes on and on almost like talk therapy, as though I'm sitting in a chair talking to a therapist and the journal acts like a therapist. Venting out and releasing all inner thoughts helps me clear up stuff and brings a degree of self awareness, Vulnerability and openness into the workings of my mind. I get to explore myself so much deeper into how and why I do what I do. It helps me with understanding myself better. Lately I've been doing a lot of these self reflection journals.. I used to talk about other stuff a couple of years ago. But there is a user here called Raphael. He really inspired me to talk to myself.. Now I tend to talk to myself and deeply explore my own mind. I never thought of doing this before. It's like self talk. It's a very innovative approach it Seems. So far it is yielding good results for me I'm going deeper and deeper into myself and lots of hidden emotions are coming out. I never knew I was actually capable of doing this. Next step will be integration of these thoughts.

@Marcel Thank you for the feedback hun. Love you. It means a lot to me. I honestly can't believe you read the entire thing. That's kinda incredible. Thumbs up.

Then I told myself in the dream that it doesn't matter even if people were throwing stones at me. Because that's their karma not mine.

I have found that my trigger levels have gradually declined. Over the last few days I tried observing myself. Yesterday I contemplated on why I get so triggered. And the answer is very simple. Any triggering event tends to resurface my trauma associated with verbal abuse and bullying. That's the wound that doesn't heal. That's the wound that keeps getting fresh everytime I encounter something mean or harsh. But yesterday was a different story. I thought things through. Whats the most that's going to happen even if someone said something mean to me? The answer is - nothing. I was thinking what's the worst thing that is going to happen if anyone hated me? The answer is nothing. Then why do I feel so bothered by other's hate towards me? It generally and technically shouldn't.. Yesterday I had a dream where people were throwing stones at me.. Like literally..

And I'm not sure if this has helped me or done me more harm. Maybe I developed a shadow against being cold and rough. Maybe it caused me to attract narcissists? Maybe I wasn't able to stand my ground or fight it when I was being bullied or manipulated or had my boundaries broken?

Oki so where was I? I was saying that I would never call someone a failure in life. This has a certain reason behind it. My mom raised me in a very dysfunctional way where she would constantly call me a failure It stuck with me. I learned early on that I shouldn't do that to anyone. And I'll never do that. Somewhere in my heart it hurts me intensely whenever I say harsh things to anyone. It puts me in a guilt cycle.

Having no parent is better than having a shitty parent. There is absolutely no loss. In fact it serves as a saving grace. How many children ruined, how many marriages ruined just because two people thought divorce was a bad idea. Also a father can always exist if he really wants to, get the hint.

I say to myself - I'll never hurt anyone in word. This mentality that I don't wish to hurt anyone lands me in trouble especially when I have to defend myself against bullies. I don't get too offensive. Not as offensive as I need to be. Sometimes you need to be a bit offensive to repel certain kinds of people

What kind of people I never get along with. I don't get along with these type of people (also the next question is going to be - what kind of people/behavior trigger me) People who play games. Sneaky nonsense. People who openly use offensive words. People who are generally Right Wing People who are too dogmatic People who constant analyse the character of a stranger. People who comment on personal stuff People who can't give others privacy People who don't give space and are too imposing and overbearing. I'm a free spirited bird. The last thing I would want is someone dictating me terms. I find it narcissistic and obnoxious People who are authoritarian. These people are like the worst. Instead of making things better, they always make things worse because they automatically assume that they know more and their view is final and ultimate. They also act like others should follow their rules. I'm almost an authority repellant. It goes well with my stage Green persona. I also don't like people who call others a failure or ugly. These are the people that I detest the most. I never consider any person a failure in life. Yes they could be immature or idiotic. Ignorant. But to call someone a failure is the lowest low and the work of a narcissist. Also those who call others ugly are the worst in my mind. I never like to even use that word, unfortunately there aren't many options Ugly is an extremely offensive word. It hurts like hell Nobody likes to think that they are ugly, man or woman. A person who judges someone as ugly is too much of a rotten scumbag for anyone to deal with.

It's not exactly the people who trigger me. It's rather their mentality, style of communication, attitude, words, comments, behaviors, etc that I find triggering. I have high standards with respect to behaviour and how you present yourself. If someone is acting dumb and incompassionate, they're generally canceled in my mind by an auto process of filtering. I have also realized that if I have to attract authentic and respectful people I should be the same to get that. From now on my interactions are going to be carefully curated, self censored and self monitored. And I'm going to be on my best behavior. I'll call this new technique Nahming after our mod Nahm. I'll go Nahming basically. I mean at some point it had to happen I guess. Nahm had to convert everyone into a Nahm.

I'm going to label it for what it is. Instead of saying friendship and inviting unwanted problems and undesirable interactions and unnecessary manipulative games and disappointment, I'll use this label - "Authentic interactions with authentic people" This is a better description of how I want my relations with people from now on. It neatly fits into my comfort zone. ------------------------------- From now on I only want to interact with people who I consider as truly authentic, respectful, resonating with me and my situation, trustworthy, compassionate, matured, cool and understanding.

Uploaded a video again

If I remember (I'm sorry about my memory), I think I have interacted with you in some manner. You seemed to me as an authentic person. I wish you luck on your journey. Never bend to authority.

Thank you so much. Well put. Resonates with my inner self. I don't want to feel forced to do something that I don't wish to.

I can say that over time and many many interactions I have gotten better at detecting authentic people.. It takes time and patience but it's worth the trouble. All you need is a few authentic people around you who give you feedback that resonates with your equation in life. And people who show some degree of respect, maturity, understanding and compassion and no sneakiness.. There you go... You don't even have to be friends with people for something as simple as this. All you need is basic humanity and decency. Rest is GAMES.

The simplest definition of above behavior is this — they aren't really keen on building a deep emotional friendship with you. They basically don't give a fuck but show you the opposite, show like they care. They only want you what they want you for and its not love generally. This lack of sincerity of emotion is their biggest giveaway and this usually shows up after a while in the relationship as they act distant or unbothered and engage in blatant blame game to slowly rid of you. When you are disappointed by their lack of emotion or by their betrayal, they feed you breadcrumbs to get you back They feel entitled to your devotion to them even when you don't feel reciprocated by them. They want your undying devotion and loyalty meanwhile they can do as they please. ---------------------- Now coming to the subject of friendships I don't think that I need friends anymore. I have outgrown that stupid phase of friendships. I just need people. I no longer crave for deep intimate friendships. There's a valid reason behind this. I want friendships with men. Not women. Because, let's be frank, I'm done with women. I have to seek friendships with men. But in a way that is not invasive, intrusive or flirtatious since I'm in a solid relationship, I shouldn't have anything that will threaten my relationship. I always have to be careful about that. Coming to friendships. I don't need deep intimate friendship. Because I know they are a gateway to invasion in relationships. I have had experienced this with my second boyfriend. All his friends pulled him away from me. That's when I understood the nasty power of friends. The last thing I want is a friend who comes between me and my relationship. Nope. Get lost. And I am BLUNT AS FUCK WHEN I NEED TO BE BLUNT. AGAIN. I am a psychopath in big bold letters. You don't fuck with me. I'll see it and stop it right there. My psychopathy is my only survival weapon. I throw one arrow and it hits right on target. It's like to be good you also have to be evil. Otherwise evil will punch you. But before it comes to you, you have to be like a giant Cobra and throw your venom at the enemy to protect your territory. I have that mama Bear spirit in me (which is often and generally mistaken for confrontational behavior or fighty problematic person). Nope. I'm cool as a cucumber. But if need arises, I can be in rage if that's what it will take to protect my territory/home. I am feisty and fiercely protective of those I deeply love. No friendship can stand in my way of loving those who I deeply love. ----------------------------- Now coming to people. I only wish to be surrounded by authentic people. And authentic interactions. These people have to be serious, no nonsense, having some integrity (I don't expect a lot of integrity from people, as I'm well aware that being perfectly moral is an insane expectation and is highly inappropriate given the conditions of survival). Yet some integrity is an absolute necessity. These are the people I should surround myself with. Zero manipulation and no covert games. Simple. Direct. Plain. Understanding and showing maturity and compassion. These are not easy to find.

They feign emotion. The example I can come up with is that of Joseph. He told me in a moment that he was cheating on me with absolutely no remorse. It's like zero conscience. I had a mental breakdown after he told me that. (this was last year). He simply gave no fuck. He just didn't care that I was hurt. Such people have hideous intent. They hide their intent all along. Keep manipulating you. Their actions are very different from their words. There is absolutely zero consistency They easily gravitate towards gullible people like me because they are aware that I will believe and trust them. They are very predatory. They have zero concern of how you will feel when they break up with you. They have zero emotional investment. They act weird, manipulative and detached. The reason they talk to you or want friendship with you is simply because they want something out of you. They string you along. Until they find a replacement. They treat you like a disposable.. They want to appear as though they care about you but they don't want to actually do things that will make you feel secure about the relationship. In short Predatory behavior Manipulative Inconsistency between thought/word and action Mind games Zero Sincerity Zero integrity Zero emotional investment Zero intimacy Zero conscience Facade Use honesty as a weapon High IQ or at least pretend to Will drop you at the drop of a hat Inability to create trust Suspicious behavior Agenda driven. They are not transparent and hide important information They don't publicly acknowledge your relationship or friendship with them. They never apologize or take responsibility or accountability. In the end they blame you and cut you out. They are hypocrites They block you. They don't resolve things with you if they don't find it necessary They are not about friendship but more about "what am I getting out of this?" Their business mindedness is acute They place heavy demands on the friendship. They don't have emotional needs They act detached

It's quite hard actually. Even with my insights and psychic intelligence I'm not able to crack this. It flies under my radar and escapes. My difficulties are I'm an empath I have low IQ I'm gullible I have psychic intuition that compensates my low IQ Oki... I'm putting this in order My insights about inauthentic people You should be able to detect and remove inauthentic people before you can move on to the authentic ones. These people are highly manipulative They have an agenda behind being friends with you. They aren't friends with you simply for wanting your company or to create a bond with you. Because else, they would have tried to solidify that bond. But they don't. Rather they move away when you are trying to solidify that bond. They are afraid of intimacy. They are not fully open with you because they don't you to know all the secrets. They withhold information from you. They are not transparent with what they tell you. They hide a lot. Like Joseph. He used to hide the reason of his divorce. Joseph also had an extremely high IQ They have absolutely zero integrity, they have zero sincerity of intent, zero sincerity of word. They can easily flip their promises with no accountability of consequences. They don't give a fuck if you feel hurt. They don't involve you if they don't see a valid purpose for it. It's business minded. They have zero emotional investment and will flip at the drop of a hat. Their interest in you is at best temporary. They have zero consideration for your needs They have zero understanding of what you are going through.

This is a very high IQ behavior Such people generally have a high IQ and that's why it's so hard to filter them. What are the hints? It's so hard that I'm literally scratching my brain over this. Hints. Yes yes yes got it now. They act so super close but don't have close conversations. They pull away when you really want to be close. I observed this with at least 5 people who are like this. They fear intimacy. That's the biggest red flag. They have high IQ. Second hint They don't publicly acknowledge your relationship or friendship with them. Because.... They are scared. They fear their reputation. They don't want to be exposed or outed in some manner.

How do you detect such people? One way of detecting such people is that they are super friendly. This is a red flag and a give away. If they are acting super friendly and almost trying to get along with you, there is something to watch out for. This is not a real person. It takes a lot of work to know this person. They have zero emotional investment. They could care less how you feel. They aren't keen on resolving conflicts. They boast a lot about helping people. They also boast a lot about self growth. They almost appear perfect to no fault. -------- These are not the only ways to detect. There are subtle red flags that you don't want to miss. Like? This is going to be quite hard. They are a hit or miss. This is one of the hardest things to do because it's so subtle you could easily miss the flags.

Sorry but I don't want your comments. You always say something that never resonates with me. I don't see any compassion or true understanding in your words. Authenticity never means lack of compassion. Sorry but you got it screwed.. Talking to you is like talking to an old uncle who simply doesn't get it.

@NoSelfSelf yes thanks for the advice..

How to spot an authentic person (from personal experience)? > authentic people don't act trollish. In a way trollish behavior is a pretty good indicator of to who to avoid. It immediately separates the wheat from the chaff. It's a process of auto elimination. But this is just a cursory or surface level way of determining the real from the inauthentic. This in no way means that people who aren't trollish are all authentic people. This is just the entry level of Elimination. Elimination will happen at several levels till you're left with a small niche group of people. >often when people appear serious it can be a huge facade. It's only to appear so with no intention to back it up. These are people who are intensely delusional. They are highly narcissistic. They appear serious and yes they are serious. Until you experience the bomb. The bomb means you see something completely different from what they project. You feel disillusioned. You feel betrayed massively. You feel awful. You feel used. Everything they do is a facade. It's a pretense. Their actions aren't consistent with their words. They drain you .. They have a cultish attitude. They gather friends like cult devotees. They demand an acute loyalty from you. They want you to keep secrets. Run for the hills. These are the people who will change at the drop of a hat. They are creepy. Once a cheater always a cheater. Once they have turned their back on you or refused to give you respect, that's absolutely no point in pursuing it further with them. Just leave. They are not what they appear to be. They are simply using you for something and being polite. They can easily turn cold once they think they don't need you anymore. How do you detect such people? One way of detecting such people is that they are super friendly. This is a red flag and a give away. If they are acting super friendly and almost trying to get along with you, there is something to watch out for. This is not a real person. It takes a lot of work to know this person. They have zero emotional investment. They could care less how you feel. They aren't keen on resolving conflicts. They boast a lot about helping people. They also boast a lot about self growth. They almost appear perfect to no fault. > >

Yes. I find you authentic.

I have lied many times just to survive. That's why I can relate with psychopaths. They do things to survive. It makes total sense If someone lied to feed their children, I wouldn't judge them or blame them. They had no better option. I avoid lying unnecessarily. I only lie if It's going to help my survival like basic survival. For example if I'm hungry and if my roommate wants to eat, I might lie and say I don't have stuff because I need to eat stuff myself. I cannot compromise on basic survival. I don't care about morality or moral values if my basic humanity is in threat. I simply cannot understand why someone would consider moral values as important when their life is in danger You'll do whatever to save your ass.