Preety_India

White rose of York The White Rose of York (Latinised as rosa alba, blazoned as a rose argent) is a white heraldic rose which was adopted in the 14th century as an heraldic badge of the royal House of York. In modern times it is used more broadly as a symbol of the county of Yorkshire.

Everything you mentioned has more to do with traditional notions and norms of patriarchy and less to do with women. When women judge, it's basically the trickle down effect of being judged by men. That's why women tend to be more judgemental in traditionally patriarchal societies from the East than liberal feminist societies in the West.

Polyantha rose Floribunda rose China rose Mr Lincoln French rose Beach rose Dog-rose Cabbage rose White rose of York Eden rose 85 Rosa Queen Elizabeth Rosa Peace Rosa Rubrosa Knock out Rose Damask Rose https://www.google.com/search?q=damask+rose&oq=damask+rose&aqs=chrome..69i57j46i433i512j0i512l6.5500j0j9&client=ms-android-xiaomi&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#scso=_WRDMYfGsONqaseMPv7-p2A43:457

I was looking into different types of roses I'm so fascinated by this. Recent entries

It's women who contributed to the sexual revolution more than anything. It's the patriarchy that forces women to follow conservative norms and shames them if they don't. It's the exact opposite. Women constantly support breaking traditional norms. Men constantly force women back into tradition. A 1000 years of patriarchy. It's old.

Be ready for growth. The new year is coming. I can relate to your growth. No growth happens without pain and frustration. You got this.

Time to add stuff in this journal. I was looking into different kinds of roses. I'm also interested in studying unique plants.

You made a bunch of fair points. Spiral Dynamics is a quick handy model and I bet it sometimes gets overused a bit. Yet it helps with gaining a basic perspective on measuring one's progress psychologically, socially, spiritually. I would liken it to Chakras which has a similar concept. You're right about many aspects of the meditation section.

Agreed. Actually I can say I'm somewhere early or midway in green. I'm aware of toxic green, mean green. But that's unhealthy green. I can see how that can overshadow healthy aspects of green.

There is also a healthy side to stage Orange that focuses on improving productivity, improving quality of life, discipline, staying organized, staying fit and healthy, getting better at work etc. I wish these aspects were prominent than the toxic aspects of unhealthy competition, toxic materialism, unhealthy addiction to work, objectification of people.

Good point, in fact a great point. That's a lot of truth you packed in that little post.

This is an ego based perspective. Not everyone helps others to look "good." There is something called empathy and compassion towards someone else's suffering and the desire to put an end to the suffering without an expectation of a reward or a pat on the back.

When you are at stage orange, the locus is more towards the self, in stage Green and above, the locus is external and extended to community. Working for oneself and working for community are two entirely different things, their fundamental intention being irrelevant. One benefits the self and the other benefits the environment, even if the other benefited the self, it doesn't matter. For example if I had a certain amount of time, if I spend it at a gym to lose weight, versus I use that time to rescue a kitten and raise it. There's a huge difference. In one the sole beneficiary is me alone, in the latter, the kitten benefitted from my benevolent act, it was saved. Maybe I might have some internal gain in it, yet the kitten still benefitted from my act. Helping yourself and helping others will always be entirely different things, don't take it in a moralistic way. Take it practically.

Update 3 December 28 I'm feeling much better now. The anxiety has cleared up. Surprising. The anxiety was pretty strong earlier and I was feeling very uncomfortable as though I was going to have a panic Attack. And now I feel so much better. I don't feel as anxious. The guests have left. It's 4.25 pm. I want to work on my depression and the void of feeling unaccepted. Also I have renewed my spiritual values It's compassion Wisdom Judgement Maturity. Embracing Reality Update 4 December 28 A damask rose and a floribunda rose.

@Marcel accepts happily.

Update 2 December 28 But I managed somehow and now I'm feeling much better. My temperature came down. And my sneezing has been significantly under control. I'm still having some headache. Now feeling better. Yet I'm still experiencing flu like symptoms.

New entry. Take stuff from old journals.

I have decided to stay away from that hotel once and for all. You would better be careful to not get duped when you stay at one of these hotels. The only way to deal with that is to give it what it deserves.. Zero investment. .

I don't know where this is going.

I think one of the reasons why I feel so depressed is because I placed quite high expectations on everything. Now I'm looking at the environment as some basic cheap ass hotel (you know those kinds that you see in tourist places), where cheap people buy tickets, dance on the floor, drink vodka and sell drugs to each other and then next morning many guests realize that they have been scammed and many women realize that they have been taken advantage of. It leads to nothing but feelings of emptiness and zero love/intimacy/compassion or Purity. It leads to feelings of not being considered or simply just another ATM machine for people to use as they please. I'll call it the Grove hotel. I remember when visiting a coastal city, I came across a hotel with that type of name and the moment I entered it, it felt gross and cheap, scammy people all around, shady peeps who would deal drugs and conspire to kill someone, a weird vibe like nobody cared and nobody could make you feel secured, just unusual and straight out of some sleazy stuff, everyone doing alcohol to see if they could get someone drunk to get their money. Golddiggers swarmed that place. Men who appeared polished, it was all an act. If someone got murdered they would cover it up. Because reputation was more important than quality of service.

I have especially been feeling suicidal today. I don't know why. Maybe the guests who came aroused my feelings of anxiety and withdrawal. I hate my family. They are very cold and distant. They say nothing. Everything they say is devoid of any affection or warmth. I try to approach them happily and I'm constantly put down and dismissed. If there is an occasion for dinner or a get together, everyone talks to one another except for me. Nobody talks to me even if I try to talk. It constantly creates a painful feeling. Like being treated like a discard. I don't want to keep people pleasing because that's not a great idea. It only leads to continuation of feeling neglected. I don't even know how to deal with feeling unloved. I mean how much can you try. At some point I give up. Because there is no point. There is no point in being sweet because they act cold and look away. So the best is that I keep to myself. Generally people speak to me only if they need me for something. That feels like being used.

"I don't have time for petty drama" Something I need to tell myself more often.

I'm trying to bring things together. I'm trying to reflect on the nature of reality.

I appreciate your caring. It means a lot to me.

You definitely make me feel wanted. However there are some things that I need to work on. Primarily I want to feel a bit positive. The constant feeling of void inside is troubling me. It has a lot to do with my mother and how she treated me. I think I really and terribly needed the validation of my mother. However her abandonment of me meant I felt like a piece of trash. I think somewhere I wanted my family to accept me but that never happened. I mean I have a mother who refuses to talk to me but is more interested in talking to her neighbors. Right now she is talking to guests. She barely talks to me and it's usually in a very dismissive manner. One of the guests even sarcastically suggested that she should probably spend more time with me than other people. Because she is completely clueless. It's almost like I'm totally invisible to her, like tunnel vision. She only talks to me if she has something to be done. I could literally be dead in my room and she wouldn't even know. She talks to everyone except her own child. Right now she is loudly laughing with other people. It's hard because growing up she never gave me any attention, care or even barely a hug. Just total emotional neglect. It hurt like hell. There was no love, no understanding, no care. Pure narcissistic abuse and neglect. I grew up feeling abandoned, unwanted and discarded. I still feel that void. I am still trying to figure out how I can feel a bit more tethered and less lonely/depressed. Obviously I have to work on my trauma and the majority of my time in January will be spent in researching resources for those who feel lonely /deeply /neglected /traumatized. I just want to escape the emotional hell that my PTSD created for the last 3 years. I don't want to feel ignored or neglected anymore. I don't want to feel unworthy anymore. Narcissistic parents do a lot of damage to their kids. I'm finally coming to terms with it. It's hard. Maybe someday my own experience of narcissistic abuse might help neglected kids understand why they feel what they feel. I really want to work in the areas of child abuse as a psychologist (I have classes scheduled next year), and help children deal with whatever I had to deal with. I don't want a child to go through the emotional hell that I went through..