Preety_India

@Marcel I love you so much. You are the only one who truly understands and loves me. I'm so lucky to have you.

Maybe tea is responsible for raising my body temp.

I might put off the light and drink some water. Then do pooja later when I feel better.

I'm at least having the energy to stand up. But I can barely stand. My feet are aching like hell.

I don't know what to do right now It's so hard. The pain returns every few hours. And it's still inflamed. My sinuses are feeling stuffed. I had a terrible night. Pain, spasms, anxiety, stuffed nose. I really don't wish to go to the hospital. It must be full of Omicron patients. I'm too scared at the moment. I hope there is peace at home.

A moment of silence for user Waveintheocean. Can we all hold a moment of silence in the memory of a community member waveintheocean who departed in the month of December by committing suicide. Condolences and prayers to his family and anyone who is mourning his loss. I don't remember interacting with the user waveintheocean (perhaps rarely if at all) and so I do not know much about this user, although I deeply regret his loss since he was a member of this community, I feel a sense of connection that way. I was hesitant on making this post, not sure about what I wanted to say, but I thought it was my social responsibility to compose a general message in the hope that others will pick it up and not repeat the same. It saddens me deeply that user waveintheocean did not try to seek help either through this forum or privately before this tragedy occurred. You're truly missed Waveintheocean. It's sad that you left us. Maybe you could have let us know what you were going through and we would have helped you in whatever way we could. It's sad and unfortunate that this opportunity was never given. Your loss affects us more than you know now that you are gone. Many people on this forum feel suicidal. I personally been through those struggles. My heart goes out to you and understands your pain. Last night I cried thinking about you and how you left.. I felt as though you felt a sense of emptiness and felt this life was pointless. I want users to know to not take non dual teachings so seriously that they lose the zest for life. Life is worth living in your darkest and emptiest days. Don't ever lose hope. Your life is precious. Every life is. I personally don't know what sort of a hell the user waveintheocean was going through days before his death but it seems he saw no way out. He probably even felt that psychedelics and non duality was a solution to his emptiness and life's issues but sadly non duality can be very misleading for those who are looking for a way to live a fulfilling life. Often people come to the forum complaining about how non duality made them lose interest in everyday life things, perhaps we as community members can pay more attention to such complaints rather than just debating frivolously on non duality. If it impacts people negatively, there must be some truth to their complaints, there might be something for everyone to learn and understand that if something doesn't really help you find what you need in life, then you shouldn't cling to it out of herd mentality. Non-dual teachings are not meant to lead toward leading a happy or fulfilled existence as seen in the past 2 suicides on this forum alone. Maybe it's an illusion to think that you will magically find the truth in non duality. I'm not bashing non duality here, simply mentioning that it might work for some but not for others. Also this forum has a tendency to float this view that life is boring without infinite consciousness states, yes I agree that life has both materialistic and spiritual paradigms, but it's wrong to assume that life is pointless petty if you haven't achieved God realization or infinite consciousness or enlightenment. Life is worthy with or without. Your life does not become pointless because you did not follow non dual teachings nor is death a way to achieve such truth. Remember you could be using non dual teachings as escapism and taking life for granted. Please don't. Life is too precious to think of losing it even it meant you're reaching some form of truth. Nothing is more Valuable than life itself. Even though this sounds cliché, it needs constant reiteration. 1. Psychedelics and non duality are not the end all be all. Please take psychedelics seriously and not something that you should do as an experiment especially if you are dealing with some form of mental disorder psychological issues like mania, depression, suicidal ideation, trauma etc because taking psychedelics purely for experimental or recreational reasons when your basic state of mind is in chaos could be a disaster. Be careful while trying to find the truth especially when psychedelics are involved and don't take unnecessary risks. Your insights while tripping on such things meanwhile having an unstable mind/emotional state could easily lead you to a path of suicide and chaos. Please don't go straight to the idea of enlightenment even when your basics aren't in order or figured out. You're adding too much too sudden to your already complicated existence. Be grounded in reality. Your insights need to have some structure, some tethering to reality. If you feel that you are experiencing chaos, immediately stop the usage of psychedelics and first come to a ground state. Your basic life should have some order in order to keep suicidal thoughts out. Non duality is just a concept. You don't have to and you don't need to turn it into an ideology and it's not the best one at that when you are looking for healing and psychological well-being. Don't think about it as a road to ultimate happiness, in fact it is anything but that. Most people don't register themselves as happy and fulfilled when they follow these paths anyway. It overlooks other aspects of life terribly .. aspects that are paramount to human happiness. Most people don't have a fundamental grounding and the necessary family support to cope, when they begin to get trapped into these rabbit holes of non dual spirituality. They find themselves in sudden chaos and life becomes to seem endlessly confusing, chaotic, mundane, boring and their detachment to life reaches such high levels that they begin to feel disoriented and dissociated from basic existence and see suicide as a cop out from their confusion and malady and see death as a means of attaining truth and liberation, a classic rabbit hole and fallacy. Please consider this. 2. Embracing Reality. I recently came across this insight that a part of my spirituality kit was to embrace reality as much as possible, whether I like it or not. It's important to embrace reality. Suicide does not lead to truth. A lot of users confuse Mahasamadhi and the concepts of infinite consciousness with death and try to bypass life to get to it. That's an error. If you do not embrace reality, it's difficult to get the most out of life, plus some way or another reality will come and slap you in the face at some point if you don't make peace with it. Please understand that reality is not your enemy even if it's often cold and harsh. It's only a mirror, a tool to navigate through the maze of life. 3. Importance of compassion. No matter whatever negative opinions we have about others on this forum, it's important to hold compassion for everyone. One way to practice compassion is to hold a completely non judgemental view of the other. We never know what someone might be dealing with or going through. We are not in their place/shoes. Our opinions are merely opinions at the end of the day. We are here to uplift each other. People who seem to be doing well in life or generally happy or seem to be making tremendous progress on the spiritual side might still have their psychological and emotional demons that they're dealing with. It's not necessary that if someone is spiritually progressing they are automatically perfect and not struggling with anything. Please don't judge. Don't judge someone struggling in life as incomplete, unwise, defective or "misusing the forum" or "trainwreck" or unworthy of help or a lost cause. We all need some form of help. That's why we are all here in the first place. This is not a competition of who is perfect and who is defective. Let's not play favoritism games. Everyone deserves help and fully entitled to receive help on this forum in whatever way they see fit. Let's not judge how they seek to get help, it's up to them. If we stay non judgemental on serious issues like suicide and depression, people will be more likely to open up about their struggles without hesitation and fear of judgement and we can stop them from an actual suicide. Maybe they can't afford therapy. Maybe they don't have access to therapy or insurance. Lady Gaga very recently emphasized on the importance of awareness on mental health struggles and how millions of people cannot afford therapy in America alone, think about the situation in poorer countries. People who look perfect on the outside or seems like they are well put together, could be falling apart on the inside, maybe they have some sort of internal conflict, some sort of internal pain that is bothering them, maybe they don't feel like talking about it out of the fear that they would be judged or that they would be perceived as not so perfect or they would be stopped being taken seriously. It's important to not make a person feel like they committed some crime or failed to show proper growth (as per forum standards), whenever they became vulnerable and opened about their personal struggles. Shaming someone, judging someone for their personality, personal life or flaws is a big reason why people don't dare to open up about their truest deepest struggles. Is out forum so drenched in scarcity mindset that we cannot accommodate or give space to people who are struggling? Do we constantly need to engage in ego validation debates of who is better than who. We need to drop this and reduce the stage orange competitive nature and adopt the compassionate approach. No matter how wise, spiritually advanced, calm, centered one appears, deep down they could be struggling as well, nor is there a need to judge someone who is vocal about their struggles and forsake them or deem them unworthy of appreciation. If we can talk about having compassion for pedophiles, then we can definitely extend compassion to those who feel weak, helpless, struggling, those who feel depressed, suicidal, those who have emotional issues because everyone deserves compassion, not just a specific group. Let's not invalidate someone's struggles nor their need for appreciation and acceptance. Everyone deserves a chance to open up without being subjected to your biases and invalidation or your judgement. There's a tendency on this forum to demonize suicide or suicidal depression by constantly saying "this is not the place." I understand that someone dealing with such issues might need real world help like a suicide hotline, therapy etc, yet constantly headlining that people with such issues should go look elsewhere is a sign of dismissiveness, indifference and disowning such people and their issues, simply because we don't want to deal with it, we want to turn a blind eye when we can do at least a tiny bit to help people with such issues by simply giving them space to open up and by being non judgemental. The more we judge and shun people with suicidal issues/depression/trauma issues, the the harder it will be for people like that to come forward for treatment. You definitely want them to seek other forms of help, but you want them to seek help in a safe place in a safe way without turning them away. 4. Using practical help Not everything is healed by spirituality. It's important to seek professional help if you have the means to do so. Don't rely on this forum completely. After all it is just a forum where anyone can join, not a paradise. A lot of disordered people join here and it's best to not take advice from them. Don't follow any advice here blindly. Don't abuse psychedelics. Don't take Leo's advice with a grain of salt. If Leo's advice is not applicable to you, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. If you're in a critical situation, best to avoid the forum as much as possible because it can fuck with your head kinda badly. If you have medical problems don't consider psychedelics and non duality just because Leo tells you so. First work out on your problems safely and with assistance. Be open to ask for help. If someone is trying to play spiritual dick measuring contest with you, avoid them. You're here primarily to help yourself, not to prove anything to Leo or anyone. Namaste and condolences. Preety.

I hope the pain will subside today a bit.

I'm still feeling shitty. Pain in muscles. I tried to sleep but I couldnt..

@Amannl3in thank you

I don't want to bash her but I have to speak my reality. I need to release bottled up emotions.. Stuff that I can never say to her.. Her abject boasting is remarkably immature and so different from reality. What if a bankrupt person boasted that they're a millionaire? That's who she is. It's sometimes very frightening to watch. I could be dying in the hospital bed and she would still act like nothing happened. It's very sad..

I had barely slept this last 10 days of January. Mostly because I kept waking up sneezing, coughing and vomiting sometimes. This has been an absolute curse. The only time I got some sleep was 2 days back when I slept like a baby and didn't wake up to sneeze. My nose and throat were feeling slightly better and that helped me get good continuous sleep. And yesterday I thought I'm finally getting better. And suddenly an hour later I began feeling pain in my muscles and I could barely move. Survival is so tough. The human body is such a rough thing. If you are born healthy, you won't be able to appreciate it enough.. The thing that I'm observing now is that my body temperature is rising higher and higher.. Since the last four hours my body temperature has been rising. Right now my body feels like a hot oven. It's that hot. I have no idea what is causing this. There is no fever. I think I ate something wrong? I remember 2 days back having loose motions/bowel issues because my body temperature just wouldn't drop. Something has probably caused this. I also noticed changes in temperature outside. It's no longer cold. It was suddenly hot in the afternoon. My body is extremely sensitive to outside temperature. So if the outside/outdoor temperature rises or drops, my body's temperature clock doesn't adjust and begins to react severely. I can get hot flashes or sudden drops or rise in my body temperature. It can completely wreck me. The muscle pain could also be a reaction to drastic changes in the body.. I'm trying to sleep on hard wood floor in order to release the heat from my body. One mistake I made yesterday was that I felt quite exhausted and slept off in the afternoon. When I woke up I saw the sun shining on me brightly because I forgot to draw the curtains since I slept off out of exhaustion from the illness. I absorbed all the sunlight while asleep in the hot sun shining on me and it caused my body to heat up considerably. My body was noticeably hot when I woke up and I felt extremely uncomfortable. Plus no matter how much I tell my mom, she keeps making spicy food and that is definitely not helping my body temperature. I don't know what to tell this woman, if she will ever understand her daughter or even care to listen. She keeps making my medical issues worse than they already are.. Whenever I enter the kitchen to cook something for myself, she blocks me and begins screaming at me. So I always have to leave because she is such a bipolar control freak who has to have everything absolutely her way down to the letter. Or she starts a big fight over very little things. I feel like punching her sometimes to get her stubborn ass out of my way. What a pathetic freak. These days she has been adding a boat load of chilli to the food causing me massive cramps and diarrhea. I'm tired of dealing with this woman. Tired of telling her that I absolutely detest her and everything she does. Yesterday she played loud music in her room while I was asleep. I kept requesting her to turn the volume down because I couldn't sleep plus I have been feeling sick She turned the volume down and 20 minutes later the volume was back up again. Very frustrating to live with such an inconsiderate pig of a woman. She barely ever cares about anyone. She used to play loud music when my father used to return late from work exhausted and sleeping. I was barely 12 years back then and even then I had the maturity that this is wrong behavior. I used to scream at her to stop the music and not disturb my dad Honestly why do such pig women get the license to breed and produce children? Like why? Just because she was beautiful and hot when she was young, a fact that she keeps bombarding into my face. This is what happens when you marry a bitch. It's children who end up paying the price when a man marries the wrong woman. Bring such a woman home and everything turns into a mess. She literally destroys everything in the name of womanhood and motherhood. My dad suffered horribly under this woman's 24/7 rule. Narcissistic pathetic violent woman. Her abuse never allowed him to feel free. She pressured him to work to death. She used to threaten him with violence and if he stood up to her abuse, she would start using the woman card, the victim card. She ruled everything. She acted less like a mother and more like a bully and a beast. She had horrible control issues. My dad wasn't allowed to even buy what he wanted. Every little thing in our house needed her ultimate approval. She doesn't even know how to raise kids. She would keep boasting about being a mother. Honestly if you're such a good mother, shouldn't that be reflected in your children? Shouldn't they love you and feel happy around you? My siblings left her in my care. They don't want to live with her. They don't want her period. They don't even speak to her. Such is her motherhood that every child grew up to hate her and avoid her? And she boasts about it? Isn't that what narcissists do? "we won bigly," when you actually lost. She reminds me of Donald Trump. Everytime something fails, she claims a victory. It's like she simply cannot see failures. Totally delusional. Things are going bad and she will suddenly announce a house party. I will be like — for what? What are you happy about? She is simply happy. It doesn't matter if the rest of the family doesn't wish to join in the celebration. It's all about her. Even if we are all going through a rough time, we should suddenly act like everything is perfect because she demands it.. She cannot get any closer to Trump.. It's difficult to convince narcissists. If they feel grand, then everything is grand. Like Trump would say that he won the election when he actually didn't. She takes credit even for my school grades. The irony of the situation is that my school grades would have suffered terribly had I not lived at an old lady's house for 6 months before my exams to escape my mother's vicious yelling and screaming and constant making noise. Her behavior had made it impossible for me to study even for an hour. And now whenever she claims credit over all the pain and hardships I took to score good grades I feel very ashamed and embarrassed. What a woman. Completely delusional to all the harm she caused to her own husband and children and the nerve to turn around and make it look like she was a blessing. She did the exact opposite of whatever she claimed.

She will get her karma anyway. I'm feeling pain in my muscles. It's like my whole body is aching and tender. I feel like I am in a hospital. Yesterday I was feeling a bit better and suddenly I'm feeling so much worse today. The pain came back. I can't even move my feet. I am living from minute to minute. I always felt like my life was on the edge. Within a minute things go from happy to absolute misery. Especially with physical ailments there is no real happiness. You feel miserable. You don't like anything. You feel like tossing everything out. You don't feel like talking to anyone. You feel moody and stressed out. I couldn't get sleep because my feet were in pain.

I feel absolutely miserable. I feel like my body is giving up. The flu hasn't gone away completely. I feel very weak. My muscles feel tender.. My feet feel tired and weak My bones feel like they're going to break. I'm having pain in my arms and it feels sore and it hurts terribly. My siblings don't care to talk to me or my mother. I feel suicidal again. I feel like jumping off from a building. Life feels very tough. Babloo what are you gonna do? How are you going to deal with this? There are a few moments of peace here and there. But the suicidal feelings come back as soon as I begin to feel anxious and miserable.. I have reached a stage where I would need 24/7 care by a therapist which is hard because therapists that I contacted can help me only for 1 hour per week.. Not even an hour, just 30 minutes. That's barely anything given the scope of my issues. Doctors can't figure out what's wrong with me. The tests always come back negative.. I get body pain and weakness in different parts and the source is unknown. I feel absolutely miserable. The last time I felt slightly better was on Christmas when I took my current profile picture. At the time my flu was in the early stage and I wasn't feeling too sick Then it progressively got worse on December 27, I was fainting and having dizzy spells.. The sneezing, coughing, and fever continued from December 27 to January 8. Only the past 4 days I got some relief from coughing. Sneezing and weakness still exists. I'm again at the mercy of my mother. I hope her monster heart will have some pity on me. She has been feeding me really bad food. It's worsening my cough. I wish I could feel an ounce of energy to be able to do something. I managed to water the plants somehow.

I wish her nothing but to rot in hell. She didn't leave my father and she would do the exact same thing to him. Absolutely zero regard for someone's life A single person can cause so much harm in their lifetime to everyone. She was hell bent on destroying the lives of my siblings who escaped her torture by living with friends I was bad at socializing so I had no friends. As a result I couldn't escape her although I tried many times

I was about to kill myself in August 2021 because I was done living with a controlling bitch. I could barely cope with my health struggles. She is directly responsible for my medical issues. She gave me insomnia for months after she hit me violently.

I feel quite miserable. Sometimes I feel like I want to go to the hospital and get myself checked. I feel very angry at my mom. She made my life a total hell from late 2020 (August) till May 2021. These were crucial months for me because I was dealing with breakup with Joseph.. This was also the time of lock down and the coronavirus situation being really grim. This was also the time I wanted to get vaccinated and I lost crucial time because of depression. I was mostly sick during this time and I had trapped myself in my room for months out of depression.. I had reached a suicidal point by the first week of August because I wasn't able to take it anymore. My mom had made my last few years a total disaster. She wasn't allowing me to eat. She would be after me constantly almost to the point of torture. Very mean and controlling. I wasn't allowed to go any where out. She would tell me that she would lock me out. I lived in fear 24/7.

January 11 Yesterday I had pain in my neck. It was severe and lasted longer than an hour. .

Not easy mentally.

I actually love Islam a lot. It has a huge potential for spreading love. It has wonderful teachings. It embraces love and peace. The whole terrorist thing is a stain on Islam created by people who don't want to truly follow the religion. In fact I have met Muslim people who were even better than my Hindu friends. Islam does not encourage haram. This concept doesn't even exist in other religions. Concept of haram keeps people away from unhealthy ways of living life. Also in Islamic culture, there is no place for money or wealth which is exceptionally good about Islam. Islam does not preach greed or accumulation of wealth. This is not practiced in either Hinduism or Christianity. You'll see huge donations in certain Christian ministries and even in Hindu temples, not only people offer huge donations but also pray for monetary benefits. However Islam does not encourage such practices. Even gold is considered Haram in Islam. So it practically teaches a person to not be greedy which is awesome. Islamic culture is very famous for its rich poetry, decoration, literature, the Urdu language which is extraordinarily beautiful, conservatism which appears very cultural and traditional (Refer old Bollywood movies like Pakeezah which is my favorite for the depiction of Islamic poetry, designs and styles). There is a wealth of cultural enrichment within Islamic culture which is well adapted into Indian culture and tradition. Also prayer is a central concept in Islam. Prayer is an absolutely fundamental aspect of connecting with God (if you're a believer in God). My biggest fear is that when people decide to leave Islam (that is when Muslims who decide to become atheist) they might cause the disappearance of ancient Islamic culture, concepts, decorations, styles, poetry, art, lifestyles due to excessive westernization and they might leave it all behind and eventually lose touch with it. The best part of Islam that it helps to mould a person into honest selfless and loyal individual if the person follows Islam properly and correctly. Islam does not encourage terrorism. It's radical groups who want to spread their toxic ideology under the label of Islam.

My bare honest opinion. I have had Muslim friends. They were nice people. At the same time I have to confess that they tried to impose their religion on me. This never happened with the vast majority of my Christian friends. Nobody ever tried to convert me. But my Muslim friends would constantly indirectly signal me to take up Islam. It seems that Muslims have low tolerance for other religions and they try to impose their religion on others whenever they get a chance. They complain that others aren't tolerant of their religion, but it's mostly the other way around. I was never intolerant of their practices or rituals or religious ideas. In fact they were not tolerant of mine. A simple example of this is when my friend who was Muslim told me to wear a burqa. I had to explain to him that I'm a Hindu and that I don't wear hijab and burqa. But he said that I should wear it despite that and that all women should wear burqa. Then I had to tell him to not impose his way of living on me. Other than that I never ran into any trouble with Muslims. The only part that caused some stress was that they are not very accepting of another religion. The other thing that I noted is that Muslims rarely ever tolerate a negative opinion on Islam/Muslims especially from a non - Muslim, they get very defensive and act offended and make any criticism of Islam by a non Muslim look like a crime. Not trying to offend, just giving my opinion based on personal experiences.

Part 3 https://youtu.be/CD8dwSRQIT0

Part 2 https://youtu.be/Swd3ISRF_wY

Part 1. Write later

@Marcel I agree Mónee

I really tempted to write about vintage Bollywood. Something about it that is so attractive in a dreamy way. A bygone Era that will never come back. Trying to bring it back.....