Preety_India

Could it be that you have bipolar disorder? Honestly a lot of your symptoms match bipolar disorder, similar to my mom. You might want to look into it. ADHD could be along with bipolar. Bipolar is just more than mood swings. Bipolar people are unable to hold a job, constantly suffer restlessness, cannot sit still, get distracted easily, massive sleep disorder, boundless amount of energy, insanely creative, outspoken, hyper all the time, impulsive, reckless, keep forgetting or losing things, lose control easily, always tend to doodle whenever someone is saying something, can't be organized, chaotic all the time, can never pay attention, constant mood swings, phases of Delusions, can't sit still, hyper creative. All these symptoms match my mother and she is diagnosed with bipolar. She has been taking meds and she is doing better and more organized. With all your symptoms, don't rule out bipolar. There is a heaven and earth difference between symptoms of bipolar mentioned online versus actual bipolar symptoms. Don't be fooled by the internet. The internet gives a very basic limited outlook on a mental illness. It is not a whole picture. Relying on internet stated symptoms can lead to massive misdiagnosis. Get checked with a psychiatrist specialized in bipolar treatment and diagnosis. Also visit some specialist for ADHD diagnosis. Don't get misdiagnosed. This can't be done on the internet. You will need practical diagnosis with a doctor.

Yes you have a point. It's absolutely important whose opinions we follow. Many people have probably lost their lives due to misinformation. What baffles me the most is all of this runs rampant without anyone checking on it. There is no central authority or censorship to acutely control this type of misinformation. Much of censorship is either cancel culture or social. Not a proper logical authority. It is sad. YouTube has its own share of celebrities who spread misinformation. You can't ban everyone. But what they say can be monitored to some extent, especially if they have a huge influence. I like how Twitter suspended Donald Trump's account when he was encouraging violence. That was a great move in the direction of logical censorship on platform, not allowing a person to use a platform for inciting trouble, just because he is a president. That is necessary. I wish YouTube took similar initiative against misinformation and spread of propaganda. Even the TYT channel does a lot of divisive propaganda. I left watching all these YouTube channels long ago. They are a breeding ground for not only misinformation, but also propaganda, agenda and massive brainwashing. Since then I feel quite protected. They can really mess up with your head if you follow too much consistently.

This topic is kinda pointless. Just unnecessary debating on Joe Rogan's intellectual strength. Joe Rogan is just another YouTuber like several others. They are all flawed in some manner. This debating leads to nothing but pointless ruminating on pointless things. The bigger picture is to take something good out of a YouTuber and leave the bad out. If you're looking for a perfect person, that's not going to happen. Most YouTubers are just flawed human beings. Don't idolize someone or blind worship them. It leads to cult like phenomenon. Then they put out wrong stuff and you start absorbing that as well because you're so used to listening to them, you end up believing everything.. That's why YouTube is not such a great platform and it highly depends on how you use it. I was first Brainwashed by YouTube. It can have a huge impact. So follow carefully. Some of it is just toxic. There are white supremacist channels. Just to give an example. It's easy to get suckered in. I don't follow any particular YouTuber because they can be so misleading. It leads to brainwashing. Just take in something that is relevant and leave the rest. Don't put someone on a pedestal. Be it Joe Rogan, or Alex Jones or whoever. They all have an agenda. There is a reason why they want subscribers.. To imagine that they are all there for good reasons is a fallacy in thought. Most of them are cultish because they want a huge subscriber base aka crowds to control. Also if someone has a huge subscriber base and is a major public personality that large crowds are following, then it's important that they are right or at least logical about their opinions. Because gullible public can easily believe that Here the public personality has a responsibility. They cannot put out whatever they want. They have a certain responsibility on what they say. If Joe Rogan spreads bad information on Covid, then he is responsible for it. These public personalities act like they don't owe anything. Of course they owe proper information to the public. That's why I have lost faith in YouTube. Because shady people create channels and use it as a base to spread unethical views like the white supremacist channel I followed years ago. I was naive to the whole YouTube dynamic back then. I used to worship YouTubers or believe their every word. When you follow a person it can throw critical thinking out of the window. You get too involved in it. It's not the best thing..

Yes narcissistic abuse, especially through childhood can be very damaging. Narcissistic mothers are extremely selfish. Portray themselves as victims, constantly order and boss their children, discourage and insult their children, attack their self esteem, don't allow children to express their emotions, neglect them, don't allow them any sort of help or assistance, bully them, ridicule them (my mom used to ridicule my hair and make fun of it, or tell me that I'm not presentable enough), constantly say mean things to their children, don't give any freedom to their kids, only care about their own needs, neglect their children's needs in favor of their own needs, disable their children on purpose so that they can have more power (they like a sick child so that they can have power, my greatest fear with my mother was that she purposely wanted me to remain sick so that she can have control, she didn't want me to get treatment so that I always remain in a sick state, because of her I did not receive medical help for years, my medical problems are because of her active interference and negligence,) she would threaten if I got medication. They try to control every decision of their children. They try to disguise their controlling behavior as "over protective" parent, they aren't protecting anyone except themselves, they will tell others how much they love their children, but behind closed doors they will treat very badly, they will bully, trigger and provoke, they will act violent if you disobey and rebel them, they will threaten that they will throw you out if you don't do what they want or need out of you. They will start drama everyday. Every sentence is a hidden insult. There is zero empathy. There is zero compassion or mercy. Even if the child is crying, the mother will talk to friends or watch TV or do her makeup completely neglect the children's needs. Even if the child is hungry the mother won't bother about feeding them. Narcissist mothers purposely break down their children's boundaries, they want to weaken their children mentally. They want their children not as kids but as slaves. They treat their children as means to an end, their ends. If they do anything for their children, they show it as a big favor. They don't act like a parent but more like a boss and treat their children as employees. They will use every opportunity to insult their children. My mom used to publicly insult me in front of her neighbors or friends. It was a regular thing for her. She used to publicly humiliate and insult her husband. If any child tried to protest the mother, the narcissistic mother would punish them and make them feel unloved and unworthy or thrown out of the family as punishment. It's a horrible thing to go through. It leads to PTSD in extreme cases, like I got PTSD from my mother's treatment of me as a child. When confronted, the narcissist generally runs away or is b denial. When I confronted my mother about her abuse, she tells me that I'm lying. Typical way of avoiding accountability. It's a horrible thing to go through and I wish there was more awareness on this issue.

My life long dream was to be a criminal psychologist and join the field of forensics. That's not possible for now at least since I feel ill prepared for it. I have applied for psychology classes and they will schedule for the spring semester this year. But that's general psychology. I wanted to major in criminal psychology however currently there is no offer for it. The course administrators told me that they can hold courses if there are enough students wanting to enroll for criminal psychology. So that's that. Anyway I have decided to do my own private research in this area. One of the administrators told me that it is possible to enroll for classes in fall semester if they get a minimum number of students by then. So I can still try my luck later this year. Till then I'm left to researching things on my own. However having a professional degree helps a lot in case I want it as a full on career or if such a career opportunity even exists in my place. So anyway, I'll use this journal to record my important insights and ideas that I gather throughout my research and study. I'll use well known criminal cases and internet resources for my case studies that I can use as presentations if I strike luck and join a course. Here I go.....

I am slowly getting sympathetic towards criminals the more research I do in the area. I think a crime doesn't happen just because of the criminal.. But there are too many factors at play. It's almost like a mystery. The criminal is only a puppet in the whole story. They do what comes to their mind.

He could be an open minded individual. But he is obviously not as stupid as Alex Jones. Yet he spreads misinformation like him. He does not freak out like Jones. Yet he has issues. Why should anyone take something back? That's hilarious. Everyone has opinions. I don't consider him much better than Alex Jones. One runs a conspiracy channel and the other runs a gossip channel. That's how I look at it. I didn't know having an opinion on a celebrity was such a big deal. Ah wait a minute. I guess it's a right wing forum. When I said that he is like Alex Jones, that's not an ad hominem. Look at how things get distorted.i didn't even know that he was friends with him. How does it matter if he is friends or not? It was more like I was getting strawmanned, (instead of the other way around) a favorite strategy of the right wing, first project and then strawman. When I said he is like Alex Jones, I meant that he has a cult like following like Alex Jones. Both are cultish. They want a fan base completely devoted to them, even blindly.

Yes narcissistic abuse, especially through childhood can be very damaging. Narcissistic mothers are extremely selfish. Portray themselves as victims, constantly order and boss their children, discourage and insult their children, attack their self esteem, don't allow children to express their emotions, neglect them, don't allow them any sort of help or assistance, bully them, ridicule them (my mom used to ridicule my hair and make fun of it, or tell me that I'm not presentable enough), constantly say mean things to their children, don't give any freedom to their kids, only care about their own needs, neglect their children's needs in favor of their own needs, disable their children on purpose so that they can have more power (they like a sick child so that they can have power, my greatest fear with my mother was that she purposely wanted me to remain sick so that she can have control, she didn't want me to get treatment so that I always remain in a sick state, because of her I did not receive medical help for years, my medical problems are because of her active interference and negligence,) she would threaten if I got medication. They try to control every decision of their children. They try to disguise their controlling behavior as "over protective" parent, they aren't protecting anyone except themselves, they will tell others how much they love their children, but behind closed doors they will treat very badly, they will bully, trigger and provoke, they will act violent if you disobey and rebel them, they will threaten that they will throw you out if you don't do what they want or need out of you. They will start drama everyday. Every sentence is a hidden insult. There is zero empathy. There is zero compassion or mercy. Even if the child is crying, the mother will talk to friends or watch TV or do her makeup completely neglect the children's needs. Even if the child is hungry the mother won't bother about feeding them. Narcissist mothers purposely break down their children's boundaries, they want to weaken their children mentally. They want their children not as kids but as slaves. They treat their children as means to an end, their ends. If they do anything for their children, they show it as a big favor. They don't act like a parent but more like a boss and treat their children as employees. They will use every opportunity to insult their children. My mom used to publicly insult me in front of her neighbors or friends. It was a regular thing for her. She used to publicly humiliate and insult her husband. If any child tried to protest the mother, the narcissistic mother would punish them and make them feel unloved and unworthy or thrown out of the family as punishment. It's a horrible thing to go through. It leads to PTSD in extreme cases, like I got PTSD from my mother's treatment of me as a child. When confronted, the narcissist generally runs away or is b denial. When I confronted my mother about her abuse, she tells me that I'm lying. Typical way of avoiding accountability. It's a horrible thing to go through and I wish there was more awareness on this issue.

This video is also on point.

Continued from above Enable and forgive abuse Are insecure. Lack emotional intelligence Feel responsible for the narc's happiness and basic survival Yes yes yes. I forgave Joseph and my mom every fucking time. Guess what I was always supposed to be the forgiver meanwhile they get to do what they want. Are insecure - I was insecure of losing my mom's approval and validation. Because she had brainwashed me as a child into thinking that without her validation I was a zero. Lack emotional intelligence—I lacked emotional intelligence to recognize signs of abuse. Feel responsible for the narc's happiness and survival — yup.. I absolutely felt responsible for Joseph's happiness. My job was to constantly keep him in a happy mood.

Continued from above... Afraid of arguments..I have no idea how many times I denied medical help and hospitalization simply because my mother would get angry. It was the major cause behind my father's death. For some reason if any family member needed medical help no matter how urgent, my mother's first reaction would be "NO." she would be angry if someone fell ill. Nobody was supposed to fall ill because it meant the family income would be used. She wanted all the money for her own needs so if anyone fell sick except herself, she would feel absolutely angry that she would need to spend money on that member and not have enough to herself. So whenever my father fell sick, she would curse him and tell him to die instead of trying to help him. If I fell ill and asked for medical help, she would tell me to forget it. This happened once and I needed just 1 dollar to buy medicine. It was just an over the counter OTC medication that I needed for my infection. It was costing only 1 dollar and that was extremely cheap for her to buy. I was in my teens and I had no money. I was attending school. I begged my mother for 1 dollar to get the medicine. It was urgent because I was fainting and mostly unwell. She refused which made my infection much worse and permanently damaged my organs. I remember that moment very well when I was crying and begging her for money for a simple medical assistance and she kept refusing. She also refused treatment to my father that eventually led to his death. I will never forget that. That's what narcissism and narcissistic abuse does. She would control my father's money that he had earned and saved. And why didn't my father stand up to my mother? and why didn't I stand up to my mother? Because we both were afraid of arguments.

Yesterday I went through so many videos on the Chris Watts crime. And I saw so many videos of Shan (I'll just call her that). And there were so many similarities between her and my mom. I absolutely agree with some of the YouTubers when they talk about her behavior with her kids. It's so not normal. I mean that's how my mom was. That resulted into me completely becoming unstable emotionally. I just watched this video. I think that Shan was a narcissistic mother.. I feel bad for her kids. And many users pointed out the exact same thing. When I was growing up, my mom would laugh at me if I was scared. Instead of being worried. I was given the best clothes to wear. She would spend literally every thing my father earned. She was the boss who decided everything. It was terrible because everyone's Job was to appease my mom, everyone's job was to follow her command. It was always all about her. She would constantly shame me for every little thing. Everything was either my father's fault or my fault. The woman speaks the truth. So i read this comment and it makes perfect sense. This sounds so much like me. I can describe all of this. When I was growing up (and also when I was In a relationship with Joseph), I went through similar things described in the comment. I was put down and ridiculed I was always told what to do I was always supposed to be the caretaker My needs were never given a priority Groomed to feel special through helping. Joseph particularly did this specific behavior. He would constantly reward me whenever I helped him.. I was "wonderful," "special" and "big hearted" whenever I helped him. Yet when I wanted to do something I wanted to do and not available for him, then I was suddenly "bitch," "pathetic woman", "useless," "fat," "loser", and all sorts of horrible things in the world. I was being groomed to think that I was good only when I did something for him. Other times I was bad. If I was busy I was a bad person. If I was feeling tired and slept I was "bad and lazy."....... Yup that is something my mom would do all the time.. I was the bad child if I didn't discard my needs and do her work.. I was a very good child if I completely abandoned myself and only paid attention to her needs all the time. Out of touch with their own needs. This happened a lot around Joseph and my mom.. My needs were always on the back burner. Their needs were first. I lost touch with who i was.. Even the day I came back from the hospital, I wasn't given time to focus on my own health issues.. I was supposed to care for Joseph even on that day. Any permission to ask for time for myself would be frowned upon and looked as "uncaring or selfish".... Did I not have an identity? Was I not a human being with my own needs? Did I even exist??? I didn't think I deserve better. I still don't think I deserve better. It's extremely hard to convince myself that I deserve better. Why????????? Because narcissists make you feel hollow and undeserving. They make you feel worthless. Are willing to play dumb. I had to do this with Joseph. I had to play dumb. Why?? Because he had to win the argument. If he called the earth flat I had to call it flat as well.. If he said he knew more than me, I had to agree with a nod.... I had to act silly so that his Highness would forgive me for a small mistake that would be made into a crime. I had to play dumb all the time or else he wouldn't feel good. If I said any thing intelligent, I would be met with dismissal and humiliation. Dislike and avoid confrontation. Yes yes yes. I would avoid confrontation with Joseph because those confrontations were ugly. I would fear them.. He would act like a total boss and own every conversation. Even my truths were muted. I would dread any confrontation with him. Also I not only dreaded him confronting me, I dreaded confronting him as well. For example if he was acting nasty or clearly telling me a lie, I would not want to question him about it out of fear. I would rather let it go than confront him. This happened too many times that I lost count. I felt an absolute sense of fear if I wanted to ask him anything about anything because that meant enduring his rage, anger. If I ever said anything even slightly, the next few days were going to be torture, anger, abusive words, accusations and verbal assault. It was impossible to object to anything at all. He would make it absolutely clear that any objection would be disaster. In fact my mom would do this on several occasions. She would approach me like a gangster. Any refusal or objection to her would mean "hell" for me. It's like an indirect threat.

When I'm learning criminal psychology I am inadvertently developing sympathy for criminals. I feel like crying for them. I can finally understand victim shaming and blaming and why it happens Why is society so blind to the suffering of people who are hurt? Why do we jump to point a finger at a criminal and then completely forget underlying factors? I used to hate criminals. I don't love criminals now, of course there is no reason to love them. But I feel very different from what I used to feel before. There are always two sides to a coin. And I think this is the approach we need towards crime. If you truly want to end crime or at least minimize it, then you need to stop being judgemental. You need to step into the shoes of the criminal and think from their side. Why they did what they did? You have to get to the bottom of it. We say psychopaths are bad. We say narcissists are bad. But who is creating these people? Isn't society not responsible at all why crimes happen? We want to place blame. We want to point the finger. We want the witch hunt. We want someone to rot so we can feel justified Yes crime is bad and criminals are wrong but maybe, just maybe we can think for a moment, about the circumstances that lead to it, instead of solely focusing on the criminal.

I read this today — The voice of reason has spoken.

freeing-myself-from-delusionspracticing-self-honesty patterns-of-communication A town called Gentleness my-youtube-videos back-pain-journal positivity-bubble criminal-psychology-part-1 to-do-list my-flaws-my-issues-and-my-coping-mechanisms

My issues Mostly health related and physical Stress Inability to cope Trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety. My coping mechanisms Playing games. Abusive relationships Constant neediness Constant dopamine fix Distraction Lack of self focus Escape from reality

I'm asking myself - what are my flaws? Lack of confidence Unable to deal with reality Very sensitive by nature Unable to do things on time Procrastination Laziness Inability to stay active Lying sometimes Lack of self awareness Chaotic nature (this could also be because of PTSD)

I wish I had one female friend who I could hang out with. Of course my controlling abusive mother would never allow that. When I was a teen she would drive my friends away by speaking rudely to them over the phone. If the phone ever rang, she would hang up °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° How will I divide my time between Greta, Sabina and Jessica? I would spend evenings sitting with Greta. I would spend the whole day hanging out with Sabina. And I would have appointments with Jessica maybe an hour everyday or alternate day. That would help a lot dealing with my issues.

I'm thinking about what Greta would tell me. What will she tell me about my life and about my future? I think I always needed a friend in my life. An absolute friend. A trustworthy friend. A friend who was compassionate, understanding and kind. A true friend. A real friend. An authentic person.. A friend who would not judge me but care to listen and not just listen but would have wonderful ideas to suggest me. I always needed this kind of a friend growing up. A friend who was generous enough to give me her time. I also wanted someone like a therapist but someone I could be intimate with. I want Greta to take three forms. (I think abused children always dream up of imaginary friends) One form would be the crystal gazer. The other form would be someone who is deeply intimate that I can share everything with all the time, a true friend who understands and cares. The last form is a therapist. When she is a friend she turns into Sabina. That seems like a cute name. And when she turns into a therapist she is Jessica. So i have 3 versions Greta Sabina Jessica

I think I might need some imaginary friends. Just to get through this period. I have decided to have an imaginary crystal ball reader friend called Greta. I know this sounds absurd and I look like a nutter doing this. But I will do absolutely anything to cope with whatever I went through. If something imaginary can help me I will do it.

I love you. .. You are the one who helps me heal through all my struggles I know you are with me.

What I need is a shit ton of healing. I just need to heal physically and emotionally and mentally,psychologically. I need to use coping mechanisms but not to the max. I'm still feeling unstable. I still need courage. Anyone who suffers needs a guidance point. They need a crystal ball reader/crystal ball gazer/psychic reader. I need a psychic reader myself. It's funny because I'm a bit of a psychic myself. But my psychic powers aren't strong enough to guide myself. I bless people who help others through guidance. That is absolutely undoing of the devil. I wish I had someone that I could always go to for help and guidance. And they wouldn't cheat or scam me. But tell me the right thing for my money. Any guidance in the right direction would have changed my life. Sadly most psychic readers and gazers simply rip you off your money and tell you bullshit. Sometimes I feel I will die the way my dad did. That's my biggest fear. I just want freedom and peace.

One family member is already gone. Now I'm left with two. One is a narcissist, not necessarily evil. And the other is a psychopath. And I'm the mute spectator. Wow. That's a lot to deal with. I hope I can pass safely. This alienates me from the word family. I wish I could rewind back time and go back to when I was 18. I wish I had known. I wish I could escape. I wish I could have done something big to protect myself. Why didn't God tell me back then? I believe in God firmly. Why didn't God tell me what was to come? I feel like I am staring into blankness. There is fear, anxiety, nervousness and insecurity of the future. What will I do? I wish I could go back in time and I wish I had a friend like a crystal ball reader, who could whisper in my ears and tell me to plan my escape from a cultish family. When I was 18 I had lot of options. But I would have felt insecure. I tried running from home many times. It was futile. Because the fear of rape is too strong. It was deep fear when I ran away at 14 years old. I still remember that deep primal fear that I felt. I wish everything came to an end. I wish everything turned alright. I was a lost soul. I wanted to bury myself. All the anxiety was driving me crazy. I could not trust my family. They had broken my trust in every possible way. Controlling, domineering, tiger mom family.. My family dynamic was very dysfunctional. I used to envy neighborhood children who grew up in happy families.

He is egocentric . They first try to lure in people and then play their games on them. He is another version of Alex Jones These are like modern day cult leaders that operate through an online base.