Preety_India

I lost my job two months ago because of the pandemic and I have been depressed because of it. It has caused me to lose my self esteem. Also I haven't been keeping well since. Constantly having some or other health problem. I have been doing pretty shitty because of all this. My financial situation is not that bad right now. If I return back to normal health, I plan on working again. Till then I need a health break. Plus because of this pandemic I just don't want to take the risk of looking for a job right now. Sometimes I feel like ending my life because what's the point? Everyday is just a struggle. 2022 looks difficult to me. I don't even know what to do. I feel hopeless.

Update 2, January 16, 2022 I feel anxious again. I don't know what to do This is the same anxiety that used to grip me when i was 16-17. I just hate how it makes me feel. I hate every single thing in my life. Everything makes me anxious because I have anxiety disorder. I am tired of dealing with this. I think my anxiety is coming from Covid. I did pretty well for a few years without anxiety. But it's back again. I feel weak..

I'm feeling very tired right now as well as anxious.

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#empyrealideas

#violetideas Quote

I will label these new concepts with hashtags. #havehigherstandards #learncriminalpsychology #findhealthycopingmechanisms

#mauveideas Quote

To describe the above concept in a more theoretical way, I'll use colors. Lets say idealism, fantastical thinking, wishful thinking, dreaming is represented by the color purple And objectivity,reality, realism and pragmatism is represented by the color blue. So when purple and blue mix, they produce lavender or violet or magenta or indigo. That's the middle ground. That's what life is all about. That's life in a nutshell. Both aspects incorporated into a balanced healthy blend. #violetideas

I'm really feeling dumbfounded at the thought of picking out my flaws I think deep down we all want to see ourselves as perfect.

I think this is where idealism meets reality. You can't live life always fantasizing things. Because life is objective hard reality. Life is not fantasy. If you have cancer you don't magically overcome that. Much harsher realities out there. It's important to have a realistic outlook. A more pragmatic outlook. This is where I agree with hardcore stage Orange right wing conservatives They make sense. Let's say if someone is objectively ugly. They don't consider themselves ugly and that's a subjective thing. It can vary from person to person. But the fact remains that they are generally considered ugly as per market standards. Sometimes you want to think in dreamy ways and dream something magical happening in your life like meeting someone who won't judge your appearance at all. This is wishful thinking because in reality you know very well deep down that the chances of meeting a person who is way above your league are slim in your dating market. There is nothing wrong with wishful thinking just like there is nothing wrong with dreaming. Yet there should be boundaries. Too much of that might take you away from reality. And too much realistic means that you never dream of anything. You have to find the middle ground. The middle ground is where you get to keep your wishful thinking yet you also have to learn to deal with reality and be objective about things. As objective as possible without running away from it. This is where the idealistic soft Stage Green left wing meets the hard stage Orange pragmatic right wing. This is the middle ground. If you are objective about life and its realities, it might sound like it's literally destroying your dreams and taking away the positive energy you have or any positive motivation you have, this is an obvious downside. Yet the upside is that it makes you more practical, more pragmatic. It shows you truth and stops you from being exploited by illusions and lies. It helps you deal with life better. It also helps you to deal with the eventual shattering of illusions and the eventual disappointment that life brings especially in the end. Because you will have to deal with it one way or another. You better be equipped to deal with it because you can't escape reality forever. Although this approach appears nihilistic it still offers hope in a counterintuitive kind of way. This hope is useful. This hope (although hopeless) or the lack of hope is also reassuring in a strange way. Because it means you have the least expectations from life and so there is not much to be disappointed by.. This is also healing, just another form of healing. It's important to look at life like that as well. Not wanting to deal with reality is a form of psychological denial that is hard to understand or grasp.

I think that I have to come to terms with reality that I lived with a narcissistic mother throughout my childhood and that caused me significant mental trauma and suffering and depression. And it completed botched my self esteem. And I still live with that same mother who continues to verbally assault me every day like she just did today. I'm constantly looking for emotional space. But the problem is emotional space is very unstable phenomenon. It's like daily weather Today you are feeling good and tomorrow you don't feel good. It won't work. Because emotions are always fluctuating depending on the environment. Looking for that perfect day when everything is perfect, your emotions are perfect, everything seems jolly that's not going to happen. That "perfect perfect" day to jumpstart everything will never come. That day of perfect motivation is never going to come. You can't keep waiting for that perfect day forever. You have to do whatever you have to do in whatever circumstances you are given. This is your playground. This is your life.. You make it or break it. This is where you either emerge or fall through. This is where you start, in all this dismal conditions. You work right through it. For this you need objectivity, not emotions, no pillows, no crying, no tears. Just plain objectivity. Like what the fuck am I going to do now? Just think through it. Just do it. Just be confident. Just don't back down. Look at it objectively. Look at it scientifically. Look at it pragmatically. Like just do what you can do. Don't think too much or feel too much or talk too much. Because all of that doesn't solve the problem.. Just leave everything to fate. Don't be too involved in life. Don't be too neurotic about it. Do the best that you can objectively and then let it go.

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It's nice to hear all those words. But they don't really help much. Just being honest about it although I appreciate the gesture.

The problems that I'm constantly dealing with.

Why don't I have higher standards in life? Why I don't feel like I deserve something good? Why do I peg myself so low? Why don't I think of things that I can and must deserve? Why???

Update 1, January 16, 2022 I woke up to hear my mom yelling abuses at me loudly. It was pathetic. I haven't been feeling good. Just waking up to her yelling gave me an anxiety attack.

Where there is lawlessness. Where there is zero spirituality. Where there is greed and shallowness. Where there is no love. There you will find violence. Evil is not the presence of evil but the absence of good.

I don't know why this reasonated so much with me. Just stop thinking about what's bothering you. Can you leave it to God? Sometimes our problems are bigger than our solutions and bigger than our strength. I don't think humanity is really equipped to deal with problems We need psychic energy in this world Depletion of this energy causes chaos and problems and destruction. Destructive forces rise when psychic forces decline. As per my inner spiritual research psychic forces can only rise when we are deeply connected to God through prayer and psychic methods

It will happen in 3 months. Don't worry. I don't think this will last long. I most probably think Omicron is the last variant. There is no disease in human history that lasted forever.

I meant in terms of symptoms. I know it's not influenza.

@Tim R it is still a type of flu although lethal.

Covid is just a flu. But flu can take lives. In fact Flus have taken lives, many lives. Covid is already endemic. You'll need booster doses to deal with variants. The difference between Covid and flu is that a SARS like flu can be very dangerous and stubborn. Regular flu is no less painful. I'm still suffering from a flu and it takes a heavy toll on health.