Preety_India

@K Ghoul to be frank and honest, money never occurred to me as a problem in a relationship, It was the last and least of my worries and this has nothing to do with me being a female. Me and my ex used to look for opportunities to buy something for one another. It was a sweet adventure. We would both go shopping and sometimes he would buy for me and sometimes I would buy for him. It was a way of having fun together. I used to appreciate what he bought for me. He would be delighted with whatever I used to get for him. I found it cheap if I hesitated to get something for him, in fact he and I were more than willing to buy stuff for each other. In fact guys would buy me stuff even on dates. I would buy them stuff too. No hesitation. It's just having fun. I didn't see any materialism there. Just two people shopping and having fun. Heck, I used to do this for my friends and sometimes strangers as well. I remember getting a box of chocolates for a guy who I barely knew just so that he could have a good day. My current sweetheart gets me free jam all the time.

@K Ghoul maybe it just came up as a casual conversation. Like with my ex he casually said he didn't have stuff in the kitchen. I absolutely don't see a deal here.

@K Ghoul I think the girl is completely fine. It's just over blown. If she were to read this thread I would be curious to know her reaction. I suspect she would be mightily disappointed at the OP.

I don't see any problem in spending or buying things for a person who you're with. If it's not a relationship, it won't be cool to buy them things. But a coat is not a big deal at all. And if she is really suffering then you could get her one. It's just a gesture. Even strangers buy gifts for each other. I gifted my ex boyfriend a big steel bowl like a couple of them for $25 on our second date because he was really having a hard time cooking and I was constantly telling him to get some bowls and he wanted to save his money. So I decided to get it for him. I wasn't even sure if I was going to be with him but I felt bad that he was having a hard time. A coat would hardly cost anything. I wouldn't even think twice if I were a guy. She is not being materialistic at all. She didn't even ask for anything expensive or unnecessary. She didn't ask directly or make a demand. She simply said that her coat is too old and that's completely fine. You might be overthinking this so much. Girls aren't gold diggers maybe some are. But I've seen a lot of men have this mentality that any girl who is asking for any favor is automatically a gold digger. Some girls don't want to be with cheap men.. They want to feel special. Not in a big way though..

This is literally the story of my life. My dad ended up drinking a lot as well - it's hard to be around her. She wants me to clean the kitchen and take her dogs for a walk and I'm just not up for it because of the imposition. She thinks that I am not allowed to say, "No, thank you." to anything. I really don't want to walk her dogs when she is in a sour mood. I just don't feel comfortable and that should be just fine. I was offered a meal as well, I am not cleaning up a meal that someone made for everyone - like stop trying to get me to clean up your shit for you all the time and leave me the fuck alone. I won't eat offered meals then. I can just make something when they're gone and clean up after myself I am fine with that. She is going to have to learn she isn't entitled to use me as a maid, and the things that she does, she does because she wants to - she doesn't 'have' to. I don't like to be busy with constant work, I like to write... I tend to just get something looking nice for a while and then leave it and clean it when it gets dirty; I'm kind of disorganized... I just don't feel like doing things for people who think I owe it to them to do it. I don't. And I don't care. It sounds selfish, but you would have to live with it to understand it. I just want the control to stop, she doesn't need to go on a rant like an insane person just because I said, "no." She is going to have to learn that I am my own person. I am not a child to bully into doing "chores for an allowance." I am not a maid... hire someone else if you don't like the way I work. Just because I don't want to be doing things for someone ungrateful and entitled like you. You try to co-opt my time and my space - and my peace of mind - I just want to Be. You want people to be doing things all the time, non stop and that is not me. I like to be thoughtful. I feel such an aversion for doing things for you because of your perfectionist ways - I'm not going to be controlled. Controlling people is abusive. And that's the problem is it's a control tactic, she isn't asking me for help, she's acting like a victim. We don't get along at all - I am low key and laid back... and tomorrow I plan to start a routine for MYSELF and you won't be able to co-opt my time for your bullshit. I stand strong against control and I will not fall for it. I will be more independent so that they can't act like this anymore. I need to learn the bus system around here. I'll live here like a roommate as much as I can get away with. I don't want to be a part of the family in a way... There are pluses, but I really don't think I should have to walk their dogs and pick up the dog shit. They're not my dogs. And why am I cleaning their place for only 10 dollars an hour, no one would accept that. I would rather pay for a cleaner split four ways than keep arguing with her about getting things done. I just... don't want to do it. But she is OCD about it, so it is literal henpecking all day about getting things done... for her. She does stuff for me, but it comes with an expectation. I really don't want to do anything for her. I just don't... I'd rather live like a roommate because she doesn't have boundaries. After that fight she threw my coat by my door - like, she is OCD about anyone having anything they own outside of the room, only if it belongs to her is it allowed. It makes me feel invisible because I live here, too. I hate people that are control freaks about keeping everything perfectly spotless and clean and you can't leave anything anywhere or whatever, it's an annoyance. I'm messy, but not suuuuper messy, just, a normal amount. Passive aggressive behaviour really gets to me. And she will drive someone furious just to prove a point, she's kind of a real bitch. She is always trying to get me to do something I don't want to do in some form or another and works against me instead of with me when it comes to issues. A lot of little to zero compromise, do it my way or the highway - and she will do whatever it takes to get her way; she'll drive a person crazy being around her for too long, that's what it is like living with a borderline - it is why my father and I drink. I don't drink unless I live with them or are around them because they are so hard to handle. They fight all the time, they are socially not very gifted either and kind of embarrass me as a family; my mother acts like a control freak towards the family outside of the home as well. It gives me a lot of stress being under her thumb; just constantly nitpicked for small things, no patience, ect. So I want her to stop this behaviour and detach from doing it to me. The throwing the coat at my door was a challenge, just like putting dishes in front of my door. She co-opts my time with this kind of stuff. It is hard to live with passive aggressive control freaks, it really is... I just want the peace to heal and Be. I don't want the money anymore; it's not important. I just... want to heal and Be and that's all, and work on my hobbies and that will fix what's wrong. I don't... want to be focused on anyone else's shit. I want, desire, need a clear mind and environment in order to clear my mind. Breathe... tomorrow is the day it changes. I make changes. Big changes. Something I can add onto, and look forward to each day. You literally described my mother to the T. Almost every line was my mother. She has been doing this all my life where she tells me what to do and what not to do and everything I do has to be for her or else it won't be right in her eyes. She is OCD, perfectionist, passive aggressive control freak who always steals my freedom and constantly breaks my boundaries and makes me go insane. She would tell me some work and then remind me every 5 minutes that I have to do it. Every time I tell her a boundary about something I don't like, she does exactly just that. It's as if she is doing it just to piss me off and when I get pissed off she will label me a bad daughter. She becomes weirdly and insanely angry if I did even little things my way. She will tell me to do the dishes as though I'm her maid and then tell me that I didn't do it right. She won't allow me to cook, I always go to the kitchen when she is not around. If I ever went to the kitchen when she is in there she would get very insanely aggressive as though I committed some crime. Everything has to be her way or the high way. I have struggled very hard to get away from her control. Yesterday I discovered that she had stolen clothes from my room and my clothes were in her closet. Then when she went outside for her regular walks, I went to her room and retrieved my clothes and put them back in my room. And when I don't listen to her endless demands, she even gets violent and when neighbors come to check the commotion, she tells them that it was me who was acting violent and tells her sob story of how awful of a disobedient daughter I'm. I tried leaving her in late 2019 but by March 2020 the pandemic began and my owner threw me out so I came back to live with her. I even take her to the hospital for her scheduled visits but nothing I do is ever enough and everything I do for her is taken for granted and considered a "duty" I must do. My dad just couldn't handle her and she almost drove him to his death by overworking him. I didn't want the same outcome for myself.

Hmm. I tend to perform better in a drunk state.

You literally described my mother to the T. Almost every line was my mother. She has been doing this all my life where she tells me what to do and what not to do and everything I do has to be for her or else it won't be right in her eyes. She is OCD, perfectionist, passive aggressive control freak who always steals my freedom and constantly breaks my boundaries and makes me go insane. She would tell me some work and then remind me every 5 minutes that I have to do it. Every time I tell her a boundary about something I don't like, she does exactly just that. It's as if she is doing it just to piss me off and when I get pissed off she will label me a bad daughter. She becomes weirdly and insanely angry if I did even little things my way. She will tell me to do the dishes as though I'm her maid and then tell me that I didn't do it right. She won't allow me to cook, I always go to the kitchen when she is not around. If I ever went to the kitchen when she is in there she would get very insanely aggressive as though I committed some crime. Everything has to be her way or the high way. I have struggled very hard to get away from her control. Yesterday I discovered that she had stolen clothes from my room and my clothes were in her closet. Then when she went outside for her regular walks, I went to her room and retrieved my clothes and put them back in my room. And when I don't listen to her endless demands, she even gets violent and when neighbors come to check the commotion, she tells them that it was me who was acting violent and tells her sob story of how awful of a disobedient daughter I'm. I tried leaving her in late 2019 but by March 2020 the pandemic began and my owner threw me out so I came back to live with her. I even take her to the hospital for her scheduled visits but nothing I do is ever enough and everything I do for her is taken for granted and considered a "duty" I must do. My dad just couldn't handle her and she almost drove him to his death by overworking him. I didn't want the same outcome for myself.

How do I feel now? Drunk and perfect.

@K Ghoul those were nice men, gentlemen. They flirted with me throughout the time, but did not touch me inappropriately. I was feeling very pleasant and I could respond to them really friendly. The best part was that they appeared so flirty(they appeared much better to me when I was drunk) and that was okay with me, being sober might have caused me to not respond much or not even look in their direction. It's like I had rose tinted glasses on and I could feel their romantic gestures and they seemed to adore me when i was drunk and looking at them. Then they helped me to the bedroom because I wanted to rest.

I don't remember any negative memories with getting drunk, only positive memories. I was at a party and someone offered me a couple of drinks. After that I was pleasantly smiling at everyone, even laughing hysterically. All the guys there were looking flirtatiously at me, as though they wanted me. But I was smiling at those men. Not anxious at all. Normally I wouldn't smile at men and I would be a bit stiff and strict. But that night at the party I lost all inhibitions. I felt relaxed, happy and free. It was almost like enlightenment. I couldn't feel myself and everyone felt like they were me. I was laughing the whole time. I was the most friendly person in the room. I wasn't able to walk but somehow made it to the upstairs bedroom. I didn't sleep with anyone. I spread myself on the bed and slept off. Next day morning I felt warm and fuzzy and completely unbothered.. I was my happiest self that night So positive memories.

It's not so black and white. Feminism and Supremacy of the Left is not always the best scenario. You're looking at one side of the coin, not the other. White supremacist is not as bad as you think. Some white supremacists aren't racist. I have myself been a part of white supremacist groups. It's not so black and white as you assume. Not all right wing people are monsters out to get women

Maybe if I get drunk, I'll end up with a better version of myself. ✿۞✿•.¸¸.•*`*•✿✿۞✿✿•.¸¸.•*`*•.•✿☼۞۞☼✿•.•*`*•.¸¸.•✿✿۞✿✿

Awesome.

Flop into me pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase!

Let's consider an imaginary scenario. Let's say alcohol did not have any impact on your health and you felt fine the next day with no health issues. And it didn't cause any addiction. <hypothetical scenario > Would you then prefer to get drunk every time you approached a woman?

I feel so relaxed and chill right now. The best times of my life are when I feel calm.

Why?

I'm sorry it got embarrassing for you. Being sober and vulnerable is a bit tough sometimes.

Don't do anything. Just accept yourself. And drop all judgement. Everything is Self..

If this self includes everyone, then it's getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Right?

That means me + you = self? Or me = self and you = another self?

Alright. That's not a big deal. Many people struggle with this. You're not alone. It's fair to get provoked or triggered when someone says something that is not so nice to hear. I use this technique. I first react as much as I can and let off steam (because holding it in is equally bad) and later I cool down and give it a thought. Then I try to reflect on that criticism and see if I can accept it and integrate it and change my lifestyle to adapt to it. Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. Don't feel bad for reacting. It's normal and human. What you do after reacting is more important.

Connect with your gut instinct. See how you feel. Do you feel that that person is trying to hurt you? Do you think they have an ulterior motive? Or is their advice genuinely helpful? One key indicator is a quick litmus test - do you feel good about yourself (as in supported), or do you feel bad about yourself (as in blamed, triggered, made to feel less worthy, isolated or made to feel as though it's all your fault or that you don't belong (you better leave) then it's bullying.

Update 1, February 13, 2022. Feeling better today. The severity of coughing has reduced.