Preety_India

Wish life was simple but it isn't. It's strange everything has to be so tough yet we have find happiness in the simplest things

I have lost interest in life. It is only good as long as it is good like show business. I just want to be cold dead somewhere.... under some snow.... There is just no meaning to existence... Fed up trying to find a meaning. It's a shit show.... I just want to be cold and strong and never look back and never allow anyone to pry into me. My thoughts are mine. My life is mine. My problems and happy moments are mine. I don't want them to know if I am dead or alive. Doesn't matter. It anyways won't matter to them it seems. This whole experience has pushed me further into my shell and made me more of an introvert. It's like I don't care anymore. Let them go to hell. They don't care what happens to me. Who gives a shit what happens to them. I will just be myself and try to protect myself because they are predators and vultures everywhere. I always had a strong survival instinct. But I don't have a strong fighting instinct because I had never felt that people are bad in this world and I always depended on people for love because my own family couldn't give it. So I always assumed people are nice. But that's not true. There is a lot of greed and evil in this world. And I'm tired of that. I just don't want to share my pain with my family anymore. My dependency caused me to believe all the superficiality. But that's not how the world is. I never developed a defensive mechanism because of very low self esteem and self destructive behavior. But other people are very different than me. I observed that they fight back. They consider themselves important and they want to have their own life and they don't allow other to dominate and attack them. Maybe I need to Learn how to plan my life to make it constructive for myself and live on my own and not allow others to take advantage of me. Develop the fighter within me and not just be a survivor. Be a fighter along with being a survivor. To have love in life is to have everything. Because only when you have everything you can truly have and protect love. That's when everything suddenly has a purpose in life. You need everything to create a home and run it. To have love and cherish it.

Thee is no party or celebration. All is dead. My emotions are heavy. I have lost hope.

I want to sever all ties with my family. It has been too much to deal with and I never felt loved anyways. Just greed, ambition, selfishness and callousness. Nobody even bothered to ask. I will focus on living alone and try not to be attached. Anyway family is a joke. It has to be. It's just an illusion like all other illusions. I am fed up and tired and one of the reasons that confirms to me the fact that I should not have kids because I don't trust family bonds any more. They are all selfish. Nobody wants to help. I am fed up with all the family drama and all the hate. If two people can't stay together they are better apart. There is no love. I just want to be myself. I slowly began to lose trust humanity and in everything else. Humanity is a lost cause. There is no point in being positive about it. Also the hope is slim. There is no party or celebration. Women being bitches as usual. Lost trust in them.

Embrace yourself the way you are.

A 49 Marriage is a sign of manhood.

I deserve much better than what I have and what I get.

Nothing achieved today. Just lazy that's all. But it's ok. There were bigger things to deal with. Now that's is over I can finally focus on myself. Chaos..... End!

How is that affecting your life? Just another distraction I guess. Focus on what good can be done. The whole immigration thing is just a minor fall in the big tumble. Btw, people are already a part of a larger movement focused on these issues and so the common man sitting in the library doesn't need to concern himself much with these political upheavals. Eat your bread and butter.

Systematic psychological degradation Systematic psychological diminishment Systematic psychological confusion and destabilization Systematic psychological dehumanization.

Only the worst person in the world can do that. Gosh so abusive.

There's nothing like good out of bad. Or good out of evil. It's just a misconception. But it's more like power of good. When "good" happens, it triumphs over the bad and compensates for the damage the bad did, it surpasses or transcends or outweighs the bad which gives an erroneous perception that somehow good comes out of bad and so its okay for bad to happen because something good can come out of it. Well there is always a possibility of that happening which means there's hope in despair but that does not mean that bad is ok because the odds are less. It's too controversial or complicated. Just very paradoxical or something that depends more on the case and therefore cannot be a general axiom. It could be accidental. One of the things that has no straight answers or is very hypothetical and so many scenarios can exist but the most likely scenario or consequence is what usually happens. But one thing is certain. And that is that infinite permutations and combinations are possible in any given situation and there can be many possibilities and so there is hope and it would be foolish to be narrow minded to believe that things always have to be a certain way for everything to fall in place. Although it does show how so many possibilities can exist it does not mean that good can just be born out of bad, it's only how good has happened to surpass the bad or compensate for it. So it's just the power of good even when hope is slim and the situation is bad or undesirable. It again proves that nothing really happens as we wish but that it's all a part of Game called fate and we can just let it be played to see how things turn out. But this is the magic of it all.. This is the only way by which fantasy can turn into reality and the whole thing can come together to make it beautiful and romantic and adventurous in a dysfunctional way. It takes out the pain and replaces pain with pleasure. It removes the need for everything to be fair and perfect. In that way it couldn't have been more perfect because it accommodates all the bad and destructive and ugly and turns it into a piece of art and leaves no room for regret or sadness.

Today was a good day.

Male sexuality is very complex and completely misguided.

If the outcome is not good the only possibility is that it will be bad. *life is uncertain and full of uncertainties *you have to take risks either knowingly or unknowingly. There are visible risks and hidden risks * Accept and embrace and bravely face the uncertainties of life. *everything is a summation of dysfunction. * Accept the fact that life can have a sad ending especially when you see the possibility of it. It does not always have to be sweet and happy. It can be sad too. A sad ending is just a logical consequence of events and does not mean anything bad. Life is an adventure, an experiment and it can fail. Accept failure. *Don't be out of touch with reality. Mostly a cause of trouble. But dreaming something unreal is not bad either. *Work without attachment. Do not be attached to the outcome but be attached to the effort and the goal for which the effort is made. Work selflessly and with detachment. Your effort to solve problems and fight with circumstances to create a positive outcome is far more important and worth rewarding than winning or losing. Even if the outcome didn't turn out to be the desired one or doesn't look like you will have the desired one, you should not stop putting effort because that means giving up and also its okay if the required outcome was not achieved, you can always embrace and be proud of the struggle you put up to get there. You know that you played a fair game and did your best and done your part. The burden of guilt doesn't lie on you. Focus on your efforts and don't be attached to the outcome . Work without expectation of good/bad result or without attaching to the outcome of your struggle. 1) Do your duty, but do not concern yourself with the results. Keep working do not expect results. Do Not Become Attached to the Fruits of Your Labor * life is an adventure and hence its mysterious and can have both good and bad outcomes and endings. It was not meant to be a straight road with a perfect meaningful scripted ending. It was never meant to be beautiful or smooth. * expectations clash with reality resulting in frustration. * life can have a happy ending too. It's just a game of chance and luck. * nothing ever goes as planned. But good planning is important. * whenever anything is out of logic and sequence and there's disorder and chaos, the ultimate outcome is destruction. A good outcome is just a romantic fantasy. * Acceptance that life can have a miserable sad ending helps to cope with frustration and despair and gives Liberation from the cycle of guilt, self pity, conflict, dissonance and frustration. Lack of Acceptance leads to more frustration. * Do not take the final outcome of life too seriously and or be too attached to it or overly obsessed with it. This cause more frustration. Taking it lightly liberates you from tension, despair and frustration. It makes you feel like you are playing a game and winning or losing doesn't really matter. * life is for the brave and courageous. Have the courage to accept and face uncertainties and fight through them instead of letting them push you into hopelessness and depression. * life is not for the weak hearted that can't take risks and face setbacks. * Embrace your struggles. They help you learn, grow and become better and give you a hope that better things are on the way. How to make decisions in the face of uncertainties of life : * Decide with your brain. Take risks but take calculated risks. * keep Plan B ready as a safety net, so if you end up losing out, you don't lose much or end up in distress. Plan B always saves and keeps you afloat. * don't ignore your gut instinct and your heart. Not all decisions from the head work out as per the calculations. Not all decisions by heart can be relied on. It has to be partially divided between the two. Use both.

Need to see the cause behind my health problems and work on those issues.

A 40 Tomorrow need to check up on house rent and maintenance and see other bills. Pending bills. Keep the cards safe and make online accounts and do some programming work.

I have finally decided to break things off after a lot of contemplation and I'm not ready for another. Need to pay bills ______ Update : paid the bills

I'm too tired to do anything now. Fed up. Wanna breathe. Pack my bags and just go. This chapter is over and I need to close it and begin a new journey in my life. God knows where it takes me. Just too much stress in today's world. Need to start a time line based system of recording my activities . Too much has happened and I never really focused on myself... It has been a lot to go through and finally I have made up my mind. No more is no more..

I wanted to write an update and I just forgot. Lol... What was it??? Thinking..

Another toxic situation I'm stuck in.

I just need some peace of mind at least till Tuesday

Need to call the doctor for an appointment

This is a good one.

A 32 Monthly Goals Chart a day Daily Goals Chart TL = number of T completed as per goals chart. CL = points